Behold The CW!!!

I'm getting my own network!
I would have picked ChasTV as the name, but "The CW" works just as well. I promise to have reality shows that barely resemble reality... I promise to have black sitcoms that exagerrate stereotypes... I promise to take beautiful 30-somethings and make them pretend like they're teenagers to give real teenagers' self-esteem an abortion kick to the gut. All this plus a third rate newscast made up of stories you don't give a shit about, told by people who don't know shit about them.
Now for a catchy slogan...
"The CW... one letter away from 'The Cow'"
"You'll see double when you watch the CW"
"The CW... no it don't stand for country and western or The Crack Whore."
"Must 'C W' TV"
"The station that plays the 'Mama's Family' Reruns."
"The CW... hating Ryan Seacrest since 2006"
"You're money back if we suck."
"We've merged the WB & UPN.. can you say 'Nice package'?"
"WWJW?..The CW!" (What Would Jesus Watch?)
"Is Fonzie Busy?"

What do you think? Hit Comments and release your inner Van Der Beek.

Speaking of TV... NBC has cancelled one of my favorite shows, The West Wing. It jumped the shark about 2 seasons ago, when the original creators left the show. Oh well, the reruns still rule!

1. Name three songs that have the word "rain" or "water" in the title. To make it harder, I'll do 3 of each.

1. Purple Rain - Prince(how obvious)
2. Mandolin Rain - Bruce Hornsby
3. Rain - The Beatles

1. Waterfalls - TLC
2. Something In The Water (Does Not Compute) - Prince
3. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel

2. Ever been to a concert where it was raining? If not, is there a band or festival that you would want to see even if it meant standing in the rain? Yeah, Kiss & Aerosmith once and Jimmy Buffett. Both times were at the Ampitheatre Formerly Known As Lakewood. I'd stand in the rain for Prince, and thats about it.
3. You're a movie producer, and you need a soundtrack for a weather scene. Pick songs that you think would fit with the following pieces of action:

a) Clouds coming in - Clubbed To Death (Kurayamino Mix) - Rob D. Its dark and ominous, but it moves.
b) Rain starts to fall, wind starts to blow - Metallica - One. The song starts slow and builds to a crescendo, much like a rain storm.
c) Sun finally comes along and makes everything better again - Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles (kinda obvious) Starts out quiet and ends on a happy note, like when the sun comes out.

1. Before I walk out the door, I always check to make sure I have my wallet phone and keys.
2. I can't seem to catch up on my _______. Bills
3. The one surface in my house that always seems to get cluttered fast is _______. Desk
4. If I sleep past _____, I feel that I've slept in too late. Sheeit... you can never sleep too late.
5. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to _______. be satisfied.
6. I hope to have my income taxes done by _______. One day after I get my w2s.
7. This year I'd like to make more time for _______. putting cornrows in Willie the Homeless Wino's nappy hair.

Stayin' Alive... barely

The real reason Cheney's had foot problems... too much disco.

The Revolution Has Begun

"You're going to be trapped in an elevator with seven comedians for three hours. Choose seven famous laugh-makers, living or dead, that you'd most like to spend time with when they were in their prime."

1. Chris Rock The funniest stand-up for years. His movies aren't all that funny, but as far as standing on a stage making people laugh, he's the man. Even from his early days on SNL and his cameo in I'm Gonna Get You Sucka you could see he knew he was funny as fuck.
   Embarrassing Stumble: Down To Earth. A dead Chris embodies an old rich white guy. Cliches run amok.
   
2. Dave Chappell This guy is scary funny. His stand up is funny, and his show is funny as hell. Rick James, Lil Jon both owe the resurgence to him and his making fun of them.
   Embarrassing Stumble: The token black buddy in You've Got Mail. 'Nuff Said.
   
3. Early 80s Eddie Murphy Back in the day, his act was so funny and so dirty, that as a young kid it blew my mind. Listening to him talk about The Honeymooners, his uncle at the barbecue, and taking a dump was groundbreakingly funny. "Raw" is a comedy classic, and a very accurate title of a comedy concert movie. Now he's turned into a family-movie star. He went from Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood to Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. He went from talking dirty to talking with animals. He went from talking about nuts to being the Nutty Professor.
   Embarrassing Stumble: Anything after 1990, including that video he made with Michael Jackson. Tito bring me a tissue.
   
4. Early 90s Andrew Dice Clay When he did his first HBO special about 1988, and brought his Dirty Nursery Rhymes to the world... it was mind-blowing. Nobody talked like him. Then after about a year, his schtick got old.
   Embarrassing Stumble: He tried to be the caring dad on a CBS sitcom. Lasted about 10 minutes. Imagine that.
   
5. Rodney Dangerfield One of the originals. One of the first guys to have a catch phrase. "I don't get no respect." He made funny movies as well. Watch "Caddyshack" and "Back to school" and then tell me he's not the king of the one-liner!
   Embarrassing Stumble: Lady Bugs. Coach Rodney turns a kid into a cross-dresser so a girls soccer team can win. How heartwarming.
   
6. Dennis Miller His intelligent wit mixed with a good old-fashioned funny joke gave him his own niche. His rants are peppered with pop culture and obscure references that make you feel like you're a genius if you pick up on it.

   In the elaborate wardrobe of human emotions, guilt is the itchy wool turtleneck that's three sized too small. Guilt may be difficult to articulate, but when it surfaces, it's as unwelcome and distinct as Jethro Bodine in the lobby of an Ian Shraeger hotel.

   Do you know who Jethro and Ian are?
   Embarrassing Stumble: Became a Conservative
   
7. Artie Lange He's a fat Italian guy who likes to curse and crack wise. I can't imagine why he'd be one of my favorite comedians. :) He's the everyman comedian. You'd think he was just the guy who sits next to you on the bus or that works down the hall from you, until you realize he's the funniest mufuka on the planet. He also has the best beginning to a story: "Ya ever been high on heroin and shit your pants?"
   Embarrassing Stumble: Played the token fat buddy in The Bachelor the Chris O'Donnell movie where he has to marry Renee Zellwegger to inherit some money.
   

In general, I usually hate stand-up comics. How many different jokes can you make about the president, flying, hotel rooms, and socks in the dryer? I also think that people seek out the spotlight and feel the need to make people laugh because of something in their childhood. Mommy didn't give them enough attention or they had overly strict parents. Wah. The funny thing is, most comedians will incorporate that into their act.

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Would you rather:
1. get a prank phone call at 2:00am OR sit on a whoopie cushion on a public bus? Get a prank call... I like a good prank call. As for the whoopie cushion on a bus, who gives a shit.
2. get poked in the eye OR get a wedgie?
The wedgie, cuz you can pull out a wedgie. You can't unpoke your eye!
3. taken to the hospital because of a freak accident involving a llama and whipped cream OR an allergic reaction on your nipples from latex?
The nipples one. I could make up a story about why latex was on them. I don't think I could lie about my llamasexual experiences.
4. get bit by a rabid chihuahua OR a wild badger?
Badger? Badger? We don't need no stinking Badger!

1. Something that bothered you last week. Bills.
2. Something that made you smile Every minute I spend with Abby
3. Something that made you sad. Going to work.
4. Something that made you angry Useless Reporterettes whose personal problems become my problems.
5. Something that made you happy 1-9-05 Stern Uncensored!
I finally got my Sirius radio hooked up. I haven't listened to many of the stations beyond the Stern Channel and the classic rock one. Just being able to listening to Howard on the long commute to work is worth the price of admission. The other 100+ channels are a bonus. Not to mention its an alternative to the shitty Atlanta stations.

"Rusty Cage" by Johnny Cash is one of the best songs ever.


Can you guess what this is a picture of? Hit comments and release your inner Jethro Bodine.

All is Quiet On New Year's Day...

1. From a financial standpoint, was 2005 a good year or a bad year for you? Do you expect 2006 to be better or worse?
Bad, very bad. See #2 for why...

2. What was your least favorite moment of 2005? February 25, 2005. I had a baby on the way, a house being built, and I got fired... the other worse moment (among many) was riding to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta with my 3 month old daughter in an ambulance.

3. Did you lose anyone close to you in 2005? If so, who were they? No, thank God.

4. Take this quiz (if you haven't already!): What do you know about blogging?

Well, You Know What a Blog Is...

You got 3/8 correct! But, truthfully, most blogs probably bore you.

How Much Do You Know About Blogging?

I really don't give a shit.

5. Where were you when 2005 began? Where were you when 2005 ended? I was in a shitty apartment with a pregnant Tina... As the year ends, I'm in my own home, with Tina and my little angel, Abby.

6. Did you make new year's resolutions for 2005? If so, how many did you keep? No resolutions, if you want to do something, just do it. Don't wait for the beginning of the year. Does the change of the calendar year really give you more willpower? Do you know of anyone who has had a resolution that's stuck?

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I know its been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been busy with work and the holidays. This year is now over, and I've got nothing but good thoughts for 2006!