Oily Residue

So the oil spill is still spewing, despite a cap on it. What the hell? After day 50 the president decides he should follow the media's suggestion and get mad. Day 50. Really? He needs to get the 50 greatest environmental clean up engineers and sit them in a room... then put the 50 greatest underwater oil well dudes in another room. He walks in and tells them, "You have 7 days to figure out a way to stop the gusher and clean up the mess. If not, expect to be audited every year until you're 65. Expect to be called for jury duty on the first day of summer every year. Expect your ATM fees to be double what they should be. Expect the cable guy to come sometime between 6:30am and 9:30pm. Expect to be put on a no-fly list. Expect your computer to only connect to the internet via dial-up. Expect the garbage man to drive past your home. And finally, expect that hot chick that won't talk to you at the gym to seduce your wife. So good luck, see ya in a week."

Since I'm in an advice-giving mood, I have some suggestions for BP's horrendous PR department. I understand BP is the easy whipping boy. Their carelessness criminal neglect caused this crap, they deserve the blame. And I'm sure they want an end to it fast, since they're losing money and have a PR nightmare on their hands. Here's how to fix it: Stop running commercials patting yourself on the back. It makes you look worse than you already do. Don't let Ringo the CEO be your spokesman anymore. We hate him. Get an American with a comforting southern accent. Paula Deen maybe. Then make a bold move. Move your headquarters from Houston to New Orleans. Then you can say, "We're here for the long haul." and promise the many fishermen who provide the state with much-needed income that they can come directly to the HQ and make a claim. Then change your name. BP now means "We shat in your gumbo." Call yourself Louisiana Energy or Gas Orleans or Bayou Vroom-Vroom Juice. Will this work? Ask AirTran. They used to be ValuJet until they crashed into the south Florida swamp. Now they're based out of Orlando, and everybody loves them. Except Kevin Smith. Then go to every higher education institution in Louisiana and give them enough money to rename their agricultural or environmental science building "Bayou Vroom-Vroom Juice Hall." But first, plug the damn hole, clean up your mess and compensate the fishermen you fucked over.