The Chas Chronicles

Izzit Wrong?

2011-11-30T08:11:00.001-05:00

Izzit wrong that I told a woman at work her 6-day-old turkey leftovers smelled like the twat of Satan's mother-in-law?If your food stinks, keep it home. I bring a sammich and ramen noodles that have no smell for this very reason. I don't wanna smell your shitty food, I don't expect you to smell mine.

Izzit Wrong?

2011-11-17T10:51:00.001-05:00

Izzit wrong that I called a random co-worker "Welcome Back Kotter" just because he has a jew fro and a mustache?

Izzit Wrong?

2011-11-14T09:12:00.001-05:00

Izzit Wrong that I didn't apologize to the weather anchor for taking a shit while he was putting on his make up in the newsroom bathroom?Izzit Wrong that I told a black lady at work she looked like Tara's crackhead mama on True Blood?

Twatsticles

2011-08-21T14:15:00.003-04:00

I got no idea what that has to do with anything. I haven't written anything here in a while, so I'm writing something. It's the roadrunner and coyote.
I don't even know if coyotes really eat roadrunners. Just another fact I learned from cartoons. Like cavemen wrote on tablets with woodpeckers and when you bang someone on the head with a pan it makes a funny noise.

I've been writing business news on TV for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that my best advice is for people to stop watching business news on TV. It'll just drive you crazy, may cost you money, and cause unnecessary panic. Yet my paycheck is based on reporting on such craziness, some of that paycheck gets invested in the things that I write about. Not quite a circle of life, but I think its interesting nonetheless. I've attempted several times to write stories that amount to telling people to calm the fuck down, but it's been poo-poo'd. Oh well, what do I know? People say our situation the US is so bad, but it's not. It ain't great, but it's a hell of a lot better than the rest of the world. What's the alternative? Living in China? The economy's great there, but you're living in fucking China. And those who blame the president or congress, if you're waiting for Washington to make your life better, you're deserve what you get. You think they can make the economy better? They can't. They can help it out, but in the end it rests on the shoulders of the people. Not the knuckleheads in DC, certainly not the guy sitting in the oval office. Of course I say this while we have 2 great jobs in our family. But that wasn't always the case, and I didn't whine, I worked like hell to make my situation better. I sacrificed, busted my ass, and didn't ask for the government to magically bestow a better job upon me. I learned many lessons, and now years later, I still work 6-7 days a week, even though I don't have to. I do it because want a lifestyle where I don't sweat when I'm paying bills and one that isn't dependent upon anyone but myself.

And what is this planking shit? Are you people retarded? Go fuck yourselves.

Louie is a good show.

What do you think? Hit reply and release your inner Denis Leary.

Annoying Newsroom Comments of the Day

2011-07-22T19:17:00.002-04:00

From the same attention-starved idiot:
Let me go put my VEEEGGIIIEE BUURGGEERR in the refrigerator.
I'm used to places delivering until 3 am.

Whatever makes you feel better honey.
Jeez

Annoying Newsroom Comment of the Day

2011-06-21T16:18:00.002-04:00

"Okaaay, talk to me later!"
Loudmouth broad's way of saying 'I'm so cool, this is how I end conversations.'
When I snap, that corner of the room's getting it first.

Newsroom Quote Of The Day

2011-05-18T20:28:00.001-04:00

"He's funny for all the wrong reasons."

G, Cadd9, Am, D

2011-04-26T14:58:00.001-04:00

And I'll lie too and say I don't mind
And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully

Annoying Newsroom Quote of the Day

2011-04-22T16:47:00.002-04:00

"They been saying kids should eat dirt, cuz it gives them local immunity."

So much stupidity in so few words.

Humorous Newsroom Comment Of The Day

2011-03-31T16:26:00.001-04:00

Anchor on the traffic getting into work Wednesday:
"Is there some kind of special needs conference going on downtown?"

Rare Newsroom Compliment of the Year

2011-03-15T20:07:00.003-04:00

"02 was nicely nicely done. clear, concise and a pleasure to read"
After getting brow-beat all day, the anchor floated me some props.
It turned my shitty day around.
For now.

Annoying Newsroom Quote of the Day

2011-03-14T15:46:00.003-04:00

"Alright, nobody talk to me until 5 o'clock."

It must be nice to be so important you can be a dick to your co-workers.
Co-workers that are working hard to make your dumb ass look good.

Annoying Newsroom Quote of the Day

2011-03-12T18:47:00.001-05:00

"My mouth is completely salivated."

Congrats.

Annoying Newsroom Comment of the Day

2011-03-11T13:26:00.001-05:00

"I'm so mad, he bought that yellow hat I wanted."
Really, fancy boy? Really?

Annoying Newsroom Comment of the Day

2011-03-08T15:09:00.002-05:00

"Daddy used to plant peanuts."
You're an adult, talk like one. He's not my daddy, don't talk about him like he is. I know this is a southern colloquialism, but that doesn't make talking like a retard ok.

Annoying Newsroom Quote of the Day

2011-03-07T13:54:00.001-05:00

"My moral center is so different than everyone else's, I couldn't bear to eat cake."

It's the little things.

2011-03-03T14:35:00.004-05:00

Sometimes the little bad things mount and seem like a big bad thing. Then the little good things add up and make the ride worth it. For a while, it felt like my bad days were outnumbering the good days. I know I have no reason to complain, I have more blessings than I deserve, but sometimes I still do. Then all of things little things pop up and restore the spirit. I look forward to those tiny blessings, and hope they come more often. I remember what Oscar says:

Annoying Newsroom Comment of the Day

2011-02-07T16:53:00.002-05:00

"Most of the sugar I get is in wine."
Such a health nut.
The sheer banality of discourse here is incredible.

It Stings

2011-01-27T19:06:00.001-05:00

The priest has said my soul's salvation is in the balance of the angels

Annoying Newsroom Comment Of the Day

2011-01-21T13:19:00.002-05:00

"My favorite Falco song is... Of course, it wasn't a hit over here, just in Germany."

How fucking worldly.

Alex Takes A Stand

2011-01-16T22:54:00.002-05:00

The boy's been fighting it for a long time now. But he decided it was time. I have no idea why he has no clothes on, and Abby has a jacket on. I swear we're not trailer park people. They don't have Kool-Aid stains in their face and have never watched wrestling.

"Hey Chas, why did you use Vimeo, rather than YouTube, like you usually do?"
Because YouTube, R.E.M., and Warner Bros. are all a bunch of dicks. I can't put a song to a video of my kid because a bunch of corporate bitches and overpaid pretentious rock stars are worried it'll take away from their bottom line. Congratulations douchebags, you've successfully protected an overrated band against a little kid. OH wait, the video still got online. Warner Bros. records and films still suck.

Annoying Newsroom Comment Of The Day

2011-01-14T18:00:00.002-05:00

"I can't go out drinking tonight, I've drank 3 days this week. That's a lot of sugar. and sodium."

Sugar isn't really the problem, is it fancy boy?

Snowmageddon!

2011-01-11T15:45:00.003-05:00

What snow days are all about: Playing in the snow with the kiddos. We didn't play for long, it was too damn cold. I slid down a little hill in my backyard. Notherners are probably laughing at Atlanta's shitty snow response, but this is why we live in the south... so that we only have to deal with this bullshit once a year. I don't know why I felt the need to dress like a cross between Kenny McCormick and an Afghan woman.

Cynicism

2011-01-06T13:12:00.003-05:00

If I say I don't like cynical people, does that make me a cynic?
I realize the world is not a series of rainbows, lollipops and unicorns, but things aren't that bad. Especially among the people I work with. I sit at my workstation that has Internet and cable, there's heat in winter and ac in summer, and up one flight of stairs are vending machines and clean restrooms. Down one flight of stairs is a food court and tourists who ask you about the cool job they think you have. The company pays well and has benefits among the best in the country. What could anyone have to bitch about? The answer: Everything.
I hear "The company this.. the company that...:" or "this person said this and that." Today I sat and listened to two people go on and on about how celebrities who help charities are assholes. Sure its all fake and stuff, but why the vitriol? It annoys me when people look at the shitty side of everything. "That asshole Santa Claus is probably jacking off to your family's pictures when he's bringing presents."
Things could be worse, much worse. There's no heavy lifting, we don't leave work smelling like grease and we're not paid in pennies. In this economy, we should be glad we have jobs at all. Sure I bitch about my job, etc., but if I told anyone about the pride I feel when I walk into work, they'd laugh at me. LAUGH HARD at me. Why is that wrong? I just hope other people's shit is not contagious. Is my ignorance bliss? I'm so not looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. My motto in life has always been "It's all about perspective." Why is a positive one the exception and not the rule?

Annoying Newsroom Comment Of The Day

2011-01-05T15:49:00.001-05:00

"It's easier than trialing and erroring."

This from someone who works in the communications business. Jeez.

Annoying Newsroom Comment Of The Day

2010-12-17T21:20:00.002-05:00

"OH, I know all the dirt, but it was too soon to ask."

Sure ya did, Mr. Showbiz.

Chas's 17th Annual Christmas Special

2010-12-13T16:18:00.004-05:00

Oh hey teens,
I didn't see ya there, I was just doing a little Christmas present wrapping.

Welcome to my Christmas special. Unless you're a Jew, Muslim, Atheist or Shintoist, then welcome to my special pile of fun that coincides with the Winter Solstice.
Let's get things started with a quick song from Abby Welch.

She was practicing before going caroling at an ole folks home. That's why she left out the "like Monopoly" comments. The older generation frowns on such shenanigans inflicted upon a beloved Christmas carol. That is unless it's sung by... Put your hands together for... Mr. Robert Goulet!

One of the things that heralds the Christmas season is the arrival of Christmas cards. We've received some doozies at the Welch household, but nothing along the lines of these!
One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Please Come Home For Christmas." Mostly because I've had several Christmases when I was away from family and friends. James Brown, Willie Nelson and the Eagles are among the many artists who have covered the song. But when it comes to who has the best handle on the song, you have to hand it to Jerry Phillips.

Travel is also a big part of the holiday season. I remember as a child some of my fondest memories are of wreaking Yuletide havoc with my cousins from San Antonio.
But this year, travel has taken on some big changes. Just ask grandma...

Many of you may remember that classic TV Christmas special from 1977 that featured the unlikely duo of Bing Crosby and David Bowie doing "Little Drummer Boy" I always wondered why David Bowie would go to a neighbor's house to use the piano when, by 1977, Bowie was a millionaire and could afford his own piano. Also, would David Bowie really not know who Bing Crosby is? In 1977, I was 4 years old and I knew who Bing was, mostly because he was one of my Grandparents' favorite singers. Anyway, awkward and forced banter aside, their version of the song was pretty good. But it's nothing compared to the new version, performed by the stars of "Step Brothers," Will Ferrel and John C. Reilly.

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy with Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly from Will Ferrell

As a child growing up in New Orleans, Christmas time meant my relatives are complaining about how the Saints screwed up the season, and what they should've done. But in recent years things have turned around for the team. New Orleans trumpet legend Kermit Ruffins put the city's wish for a merry Who Dat Christmas in a song.

Well, that wraps up another Christmas special. For more fun celebrating the birth of Jesus, check out last year's Christmas spectacular.
We say goodnight with another number from Abby, with backup vocals by Alex.

So from all of us, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Now piss off.

John Lennon

2010-12-08T19:25:00.002-05:00

This week there are many tributes and retrospectives of John Lennon's life marking the 30 years since his death. Even though Lennon is one of my Rock N Roll heroes, I'm not watching any of the coverage. I think its one thing to celebrate the guy's life, but it feels like we're celebrating the guy's death. That's something I want no part of. I won't even call it "the anniversary of his death." Anniversaries are something to look forward to. The manner in which he died was so tragic, so grisly, that I think its best to let that chapter of his life be. It makes me think of how dead celebrities are raised to immortal status, but while they were living they were shit on. Michael Jackson is another example of this. He couldn't give away his records for the 10 years before his death, then he dies and everyone's his biggest fan. All those who shit on him are calling him a musical legend. It's no different with Lennon. They couldn't wait to kick him out of the country in the 1970s. His albums weren't big sellers, then he dies and his albums are now classics. People like that fucking Fox news did specials about the last days of Lennon's life. Had he been alive, he would have despised everything Fox stands for. But hey, it's ok, let's exploit the death of an icon. All you need is ratings.

Annoying Newsroom Comment of the Day

2010-12-06T15:46:00.002-05:00

Me: "All I did was..."
Douchebag: "I KNOW what you did."

Canadians can suck it. Is it custom up there to cut people off mid-sentence with a bitchy remark?

Annoying Newsroom Quote Of The Day

2010-12-02T18:17:00.002-05:00

"It's definitely a headphones-only thing. Not for speakers."

Annoying Newsroom Quote of the Day

2010-11-30T15:27:00.001-05:00

"Why is my Farmville crashing?"

Annoying newsroom comment of the day

2010-11-24T14:40:00.003-05:00

In television news, a "tease" is a short story right before a commercial break that tells you what's coming up without giving away the story. In a sense it's the most important story of the show, because it is meant to keep people past the break when they want to flip the channel. Despite this, many writers think they're a nuisance and save them until last and rush through them. I love writing teases because it presents a unique creative challenge: sell a story without telling it. CBS Sunday morning can do this with just two or three words written to match the video. I'm no Chas Osgood, so I require a few more words. That being said, my assignment is to write a tease for a story that's important, but depressing, and is filled with video of a burned up Afghan woman. I couldn't even watch the story. So how the hell do I write a tease that makes you want to a) watch this depressing horror story, b) stick around for another 15 minutes to see the story, c) not gross out international audiences and d) not trivialize it? Why do we want to tease it in the first place? I get this note from the producer regarding the video to be used in said tease:

I CUED TO WHERE IT'S NOT SO DISTURBING...
ALSO JUST MINDFUL OF THE TZ... SINCE IT'S A DISTURBING STORY, AND VO

Jeez, thanks I was gonna make it a laugh riot.
My point is not that we shouldn't run the story, its very important.
My point is, don't tease it at all. Show some discretion.

Here's the tease I eventually wrote, I opted for quick and generic rather than specific and disgusting.

AND DESPERATION IN AFGHANISTAN LEADS TO DRASTIC MEASURES FOR SOME WOMEN.
YOU'LL SEE EFFORTS TO END THE CYCLE OF ABUSE.

Would I stick around to watch that? Maybe. But had I written something about "disturbing video from Afghanistan's abusive husbands.." I would definitely change the channel.

Writing about car wrecks, apartment fires and gas main breaks was so much easier.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T13:02:00.002-05:00

1. What do you most look forward to about Thanksgiving week?
This year I have to work, so really not much, maybe less traffic. But I have much to be thankful for in general.
2. How many people do you plan to have around the Thanksgiving dinner table this year?
Just the 4 Welchs.
3. What Thanksgiving food do you most look forward to?
Dressing and Green Bean Casserole.
4. Which Thanksgiving food do you avoid?
Pumpkin Pie, cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes. I'll eat the marshmallows, though.
5. Take the quiz: What Fall Spice Are You?

You Are Nutmeg

You are a harmonious and peaceful person. You are surprisingly adaptable and flexible.

You are a typical girl or guy next door, but you also have a undying thirst for the exotic.

You dream of tropical places, and you have a true appreciation for far away flavors.

You are easygoing enough to enjoy a full day on the beach. "Island time" sounds like the perfect time for you.

What Fall Spice Are You?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

6. What aroma most reminds you of fall?
Thanksgiving dinner being cooked.

I'm not feeling creative today. Sorry. You can get a refund at the ticket office.

Annoying Newsroom Quote Of The Day

2010-11-15T15:50:00.002-05:00

"I don't have a TV at home, but..."

Really? REALLY? You work in TV but don't have a TV? I guess that's like a gay gynecologist.

Annoying Newsroom Quote of the Day

2010-11-02T18:34:00.003-04:00

"Hello? Hello? HELLO? HELLAW? YEAH, SOME KEEDZ MUST BE CALLIN ME ON YO PHONE! hello?"
Newsroom cleaning guy yelling into his phone 5 feet from where the sports guy is anchoring a show.

The Little Pumpkin

2010-10-29T17:27:00.000-04:00

Annoying Newsroom Quote Of The Day

2010-10-28T15:05:00.002-04:00

"I have some gluten-free pad thai if anyone's interested."

Sting

2010-10-25T15:55:00.001-04:00

If I could break down these walls and shout my name at heaven's gate,
I'd take these hands and I'd destroy the dark machineries of fate.

Service with a sneer

2010-10-21T13:02:00.003-04:00

1. You order takeout from a favorite restaurant. You’re at the counter paying for your dinner by credit card and the host hands you the charge slip that includes a blank for a tip. Do you leave one for takeout?
No way. All they did was put the food in a container. You didn't dirty up a table or require any service. That's what tips are for, to tell the server they went above and beyond their duties. Taking money for food is not above and beyond their duties. If they delivered or something it would be different.

2. You’re having dinner at a restaurant you’ve never visited before and you receive poor service, a wrong item on your plate and you have an inattentive waiter. Do you leave a tip anyway, or would you leave nothing?
No way. Shitty service gets you a shitty tip. I worked in food service for many years, and I know customers can be a pain in the ass, I know how it is to work for shitty wages, but if you take a job that pays half-of-minimum wage, you should damn well bust your ass to get at least the $4-$5 an hour to make up the difference. If some self-righteous waiter... 'scuse me, server thinks he deserves a tip just for bringing my food from point A to point B without tripping, falling, or spitting in my food, fuck him. Do your job well and you'll be rewarded.

3. You’re under the weather and you decide to make a doctor’s appointment: how likely are you to search the web for your symptoms and walk in with your own diagnosis already in hand (or in mind)?
Of course! You're paying him a lot of money to make you better, and if you think you have something, tell him why. At the very least it'll force him to tell you why you don't have it. Within reason. Don't tell the doc you think you have a hernia just to get your balls juggled. That's a mistake I won't make again.

4. You see a drug ad on television promoting a “miracle cure” for a condition you know you have. How likely are you to contact your doctor and ask about that specific medication? Very likely. Once I wrote a long story at work about a new medical breakthrough technique that gives sinus relief to everyone who underwent the procedure. I asked my Asian ENT doc about it. The bitch never heard of it. How is it that a specialist in the field didn't know about something that had been around long enough that it was being put into practice and I was writing about it? I dunno. I never went back.

5. A cell phone company sells you a phone that fails to do something you feel is basic. They advertise a money-back guarantee, but the fine print says there’s a $35 “restocking fee” for returning the phone. How much are you likely to fight that charge because of the phone’s inability to do what you need it to do?
If you bitch, moan, and complain enough they'll either waive the fee or give the service to you for free.

6. You decide to buy a new computer, and there are two computer stores in town: one has low prices and an almost-absent sales floor staff, and the other has higher prices but very friendly, helpful staffers. You decide to get information from the well-informed staff at the more expensive store. If you knew you could save 25% or so by going to the cheaper store, how likely would you be to buy from the more expensive store that gives you better service?
Easy answer, go to the fancy place, get your questions answered, then go to the cheap place and buy the cheaper product. Or better yet, call the fancy place, ask the questions, then drive to the cheapy place. Even better, go online, get the answers from knowledgeable people rather than the douchebags that work at electronics stores and buy it online, and save 35%. What I do, is get my info online, and build the computer myself, save 50% That's just me.

What about you? Surely you've had some awful customer service experiences. Hit the comments and release your inner Dwight Schrute.

New Orleans

2010-10-10T16:30:00.002-04:00

We're back from our trip to New Orleans. It was fun, we caught up with so many family and friends that we haven't seen in a while. It was also a time to see the changes in the city in which I grew up. Much of it has changed, but much has stayed the same. Of course I wouldn't expect the city to stop changing just because I moved away 18 years ago. I guess you're always jarred by things changing. My view of the city also changed. The trip was jam-packed with things to do. We enjoyed much good food, including po-boys, crawfish pies, and breaking with tradition, BBQ. Much is said about New Orleans food, and many of the locals will tell you just because the restaurant is pretty shabby the food will still be good. I believe that, sometimes. Here's why: We drove 8+ hours to NO, and the last thing I wanna do is sit in some shithole of a restaurant because they make good sandwiches. For Mr. Pete's sake, 70s paneling on the walls and taped up pictures of Saints players ain't "flair," its crap. It's emblematic of the entire city. Driving up and down the roads, I see the same old rotting buildings and houses I once knew, right next to new buildings. Why should they change? That's the way its always been, and that's the way it'll always be. At City Park (where the above pic was taken), we brought the kids to "Storyland," which is an old ass mother goose-themed kiddie area. Right next to it, was a beautiful "Great Lawn" with more new construction next to that. I used to be amused by that shit and say, "Only in New Orleans..." but I'm tired of that. After Katrina, A Super Bowl, and the BP disaster, it's time to set the bar a bit higher. Don't get me wrong, I love the city and I'm already planning my next trip there. Or maybe I'm the one that needs to change.

21 Nights

2010-09-03T19:35:00.003-04:00

We ran a story tonight about a CNN floor manager that just went to his 100th Aerosmith concert, and the network set up a meet 'n greet with the band. Here's the story:

That got me to thinking about who I'd like to meet. The first name that comes to mind would be Prince. I'm not sure I want to meet him. I've heard good and bad things, and there's the old saying, "Never meet your heroes because they'll always disappoint you." That being said, I would have to be an idiot to pass up meeting him. Shit, I'd be an idiot to pass up meeting any rock star. Maybe I'll tell CNN I'm going to my 100th Prince concert, maybe they'll set me up a meet 'n' greet. Yeah right. I started thinking about how many more concerts I'd have to see to reach 100. It's 78. That sounds like a challenge, and one funky ass road trip. :) Here's the list so far:

1. The Summit, Houston, November 27, 1988, Lovesexy Tour
2. The Alamodome, San Antonio, August 8, 1996, Jam Of The Year Tour
3. Frank Irwin Center, Austin, November 2, 1997, Jam Of The Year Tour
4. The Tabernacle Atlanta, November 22, 2000, Hit & Run Tour
5. Cricket Arena, Charlotte, November 26, 2008, Hit & Run Tour
6. Atlanta Civic Center, Atlanta, April 14, 2001, Hit & Run Tour
7. Atlanta Civic Center, Atlanta, April 15, 2001, Hit & Run Tour
8. Symphony Hall, Atlanta, April 3, 2002, One Nite Alone Tour
9. Symphony Hall, Atlanta, April 4, 2002, One Nite Alone Tour
9.5 Club 1120 (Aftershow), Atlanta, April 4, 2002, One Nite Alone Tour
10. Paisley Park, June 21, 2002, Xenophobia
11. Paisley Park, June 22, 2002, Xenophobia
12. Paisley Park, June 23, 2002, Xenophobia
13. Paisley Park, June 24, 2002, Xenophobia
14. Paisley Park, June 25, 2002, Xenophobia
15. Paisley Park, June 26, 2002, Xenophobia
16. Paisley Park, June 27, 2002, Xenophobia
17. Veterans Coliseum, April 27, 2004, Musicology Tour
18. Philips Arena, Atlanta, April 30, 2004, Musicology Tour
19. Philips Arena, Atlanta, August 9, 2004, Musicology Tour
20. Philips Arena, Atlanta, August 10, 2004 Musicology Tour
21. The Tabernacle (Tamar Show), March 15, 2006, Tamar Tour

Eye Que

2010-08-31T14:52:00.004-04:00

So Abby took an IQ test, after being moved out of Kindergarten into first grade. It seems she's smarter than many of our U.S. presidents. Including George W. Bush, which isn't saying much. I couldn't get an exact number on the presidents, the best I got was ranges, and she's above most of their ranges. That's good for my 5 year old, but bad for the country. I'm not only proud of her, I'm simply amazed.

Hold On Tight

2010-08-02T20:34:00.000-04:00

Accroche-toi à ton rêve
Accroche-toi à ton rêve
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir
Quand tu sens ton cœur se briser
Accroche-toi à ton rêve.

Florida Vacation July 2010

2010-07-20T23:02:00.001-04:00

My little sunflowers

2010-07-05T01:26:00.002-04:00

Oily Residue

2010-06-09T21:12:00.003-04:00

So the oil spill is still spewing, despite a cap on it. What the hell? After day 50 the president decides he should follow the media's suggestion and get mad. Day 50. Really? He needs to get the 50 greatest environmental clean up engineers and sit them in a room... then put the 50 greatest underwater oil well dudes in another room. He walks in and tells them, "You have 7 days to figure out a way to stop the gusher and clean up the mess. If not, expect to be audited every year until you're 65. Expect to be called for jury duty on the first day of summer every year. Expect your ATM fees to be double what they should be. Expect the cable guy to come sometime between 6:30am and 9:30pm. Expect to be put on a no-fly list. Expect your computer to only connect to the internet via dial-up. Expect the garbage man to drive past your home. And finally, expect that hot chick that won't talk to you at the gym to seduce your wife. So good luck, see ya in a week."

Since I'm in an advice-giving mood, I have some suggestions for BP's horrendous PR department. I understand BP is the easy whipping boy. Their ~~carelessness~~ criminal neglect caused this crap, they deserve the blame. And I'm sure they want an end to it fast, since they're losing money and have a PR nightmare on their hands. Here's how to fix it: Stop running commercials patting yourself on the back. It makes you look worse than you already do. Don't let Ringo the CEO be your spokesman anymore. We hate him. Get an American with a comforting southern accent. Paula Deen maybe. Then make a bold move. Move your headquarters from Houston to New Orleans. Then you can say, "We're here for the long haul." and promise the many fishermen who provide the state with much-needed income that they can come directly to the HQ and make a claim. Then change your name. BP now means "We shat in your gumbo." Call yourself Louisiana Energy or Gas Orleans or Bayou Vroom-Vroom Juice. Will this work? Ask AirTran. They used to be ValuJet until they crashed into the south Florida swamp. Now they're based out of Orlando, and everybody loves them. Except Kevin Smith. Then go to every higher education institution in Louisiana and give them enough money to rename their agricultural or environmental science building "Bayou Vroom-Vroom Juice Hall." But first, plug the damn hole, clean up your mess and compensate the fishermen you fucked over.

Attention Whores

2010-05-28T05:16:00.004-04:00

They annoy me. So your mommy didn't pay you enough attention, so now I gotta placate you? It's not even just people I know, though in my bidness there are A LOT. The inspiration for this rant was some numbnut I saw walking into work as I was walking out. They guy was wearing tighter than tight biking shorts and shirt, bright yellow. Then the guy had a bike helmet with a rear-view mirror attached to it, with some big sunglasses. We get it, you ride a bike. Then the douche had the nerve to cinch his bike, not to the bike rack like everyone else, but to a pole 6 inches away from the rack. While I have absolutely nothing against people who ride their bikes to work, I think that's great, fewer cars on the road, this bitch is too much. He's probably the CEO of the company and would love nothing more than to cut me loose like Lance Armstrong's missing nut. Smug bastard probably loves the smell of his own farts and looks down on the rest of us for not being as green as him and his tour de farce outfit.
This is what goes through my head when it's too early to go home and go to bed, and too late to have more coffee.

A ribcage!

2010-05-27T02:22:00.000-04:00

I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!

Shame Shame Shame

2010-05-26T05:16:00.002-04:00

I've been writing stories about this oil leak in the Gulf for 35 days now. That's about 34.5 days too many. Every day there's something worse than the day before.
It's easy to say BP is to blame and they screwed up royally... they did. And it's easy to say the government displayed Bush-like ineffectiveness in dealing with the disaster... they did. But my concern isn't who did what... it's who is doing what right now. The U.S. has access to the greatest fucking minds in the world, and we're waiting on BP to come up with brilliant ideas. The best they can do is "shove cement, golf balls, and tires in it." Why are we trusting them to fix something when they're the ones that made the fucking mess in the first place?
Louisiana seems to the center of the universe when it comes to natural disasters that are magnified by human error. Five years after Katrina, things seemed to have come full circle. The Saints won the Super Bowl giving the region a much-needed shot of excitement after years of bad news. Then this happened. I can only hope the rest of the world realizes that New Orleans isn't on the Gulf and that its still the vibrant city it's always been. Oil, tourism, and fishing all have this symbiotic relationship that keeps the state afloat. When tragedy strikes one, the others suffer. I don't have the answer, and I don't think anyone has a perfect solution, but there needs to be a John Wayne dude to come in and get something done, instead of watching BP, the Coast Guard and the Government sit and bicker like junior high girls.
Like Smiley says...

Sleep. Rest. A Jedi craves not these things.

2010-05-25T07:29:00.002-04:00

It's week two of my vampirical existence. So far no major problems, besides being tired and prone to nap at any moment. I'm working the 10p-8a shift at work. Who did I piss off to get that shitty shift? Well, I asked for it. The way I see it the benefits outweigh the problems. My 10-hour shifts give me a 4-day work week, with Weekends and Friday's off. Ya can't beat that. Plus I get a bump in pay, and I'm home for dinner every night. Before I was working nights and weekends, and had to get up at 6am, after working until 1am just to see my kids before they're off to school/babysitter. Then I would have to cram a week's worth of activities with them into the few hours before I had to work on the weekends. My breaking point with that schedule was when I had to request vacation time for my daughter's birthday party and dance recital, then hope no one else had that time off. I know nobody cares about my work schedule, but I've been up for about 23 hours now and I need to do something to get me through the next hour. My Dad sacrificed by standing on his feet 6 days a week running restaurants to make sure we had nice things. I think a little sleep deprivation is the least I can do.

2010-04-27T17:47:00.003-04:00

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I get writer's block, actually, its not really writer's block, its "they can't handle it the truth" block. It reminds me of a line from a movie I can't watch anymore:

A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay.

I was reminded of this a few minutes ago, when I said the funniest shit ever, and I just got stares. OK, it wasn't funniest shit ever, but it was worthy of a mercy guffaw. I was just told to "calm down." Maybe I should make sports references or something. I can't since, as Bud Brumner pointed out, I'm not gay.

One.

2010-04-23T00:58:00.001-04:00

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head?

2010-03-13T15:39:00.002-05:00

Dayum I should update this piece mo often.
Let's catch up. How've you been? Did that thing on your ass cheek heal? Oh congratz.
Anywayz, here's this:
The Super Bowl: The Saints won. My hometown team. I don't watch football, I don't really care beyond whether the Saints win or lose. But I had to get behind their road to the Super Bowl because of something else: The healing power it has over the city. In the four and a half years since Katrina, the city went from having the country's pity to having the country's envy. And that transcends a game, a fan chant, or any lawsuit surrounding it.

The Academy Awards: I actually made a point to watch some of the movies nominated this year. Here are my thoughts:
The Hurt Locker: (Best Picture winner, et al) Long, but really good. It kept my attention, which is my litmus test.
Inglourious Basterds: (Best supporting actor)Very Tarantino. I liked it. I'm always fascinated by his use of music in his films. He doesn't use music that "fits" the scene, but yet it still conveys the emotion of the scene. In this movie about WWII, there was music I can only describe as 70s Jazz Funk. The story was really good, too. Bradolph Pittler was a little too over the top with his hillbilly accent though.
Star Trek: (best makeup) They give awards for this? I loved the movie, though.
Losers: Up In The Air: Was exactly the same as Jason Reitman's other film Thank You for Smoking. Except instead of an asshole selling cigarettes who ultimately doesn't change, its an asshole firing people who ultimately doesn't change.
District 9: While I'm glad there's more sci-fi being considered for Oscars, this movie was long and boring. The effects were nice, but that doesn't make up for a shitty story. Yes I'm looking at you Lucas. Plus this flick was up against Avatar, so it had no chance.
Food, Inc.: I watched this documentary thinking I should be outraged and not want to eat meat or only buy organic or locally grown food. But I said, meh, and ordered a pizza.
Princess and the Frog: I liked it because it featured Anthropomorphic African-American animals, but Disney pulled out every New Orleans cliche and put it in a formulaic cartoon movie.
Movies I didn't see this year:
Avatar: Never got around to it, the hype turned me off
Precious: I'd sooner stick red hot skewers in my eyes. And also, the long ass subtitle was so obnoxious. Stern was right.

It sucks that Cher's soon-to-be-son's name is Chaz, as is Roger Ebert's wife. I'm glad they spell it with a Z and not an S.

What do you think? What was your favorite flick of the last year? Who was robbed of an Oscar? Does anyone give two shits about them? Hit comments and release your inner Roger Ebert.

2010-02-06T20:17:00.002-05:00

It's been like 5 weeks since I've put anything on this thing, so I'm going back to the well. Check facebook for more substantive outpourings of my genius.

What’s the one thing that really annoys you? People who think they know everything, while knowing absolutely nothing. If you're dumb accept it. Case in point, I overheard a woman going on about how her firsthand dealings with a sick relative makes her an expert on "Old Timer's Disease."
If it was the end of the world what be the last thing you would try to do? Two chicks.
If you had the choice of designing a mobile phone what one feature would you add to it? Tomorrow's lottery numbers, or x-ray vision.
Diamonds or pearls? I'm a dude, why would I wear pearls?
Silver or gold? Silver, Gold can't kill a werewolf or a vampire!
Are you at home or work? If you're a co-worker reading this, I'm at home. Otherwise...
1. What is the most extreme weather you’ve experienced where you live in the past week? 32 degrees with rain.
2. What’s the worst kind of storm you’ve experienced in person? The tornado that ran over CNN Center and Centennial Olympic Park. I've been in several Hurricanes, but (knock on wood) they didn't do much damage.
3. Where are you more likely to get your weather forecast: on TV, on the radio, in the newspaper, or online? Online. Just type "Weather" then your zip code in google and you're set. The local news usually isn't on when I need it, and I don't listen to local/terrestrial radio.
4. Do you have access to 24-hour channels like The Weather Channel or WeatherPlus? If so, how often do you watch them? Rarely. The Weather Channel tells me the weather for every other city in the world before mine. Plus when they have the local forecast it plays creepy elevator music.
5. Take the quiz: What Kind of Storm Are You? Online quizzes annoy me, so I'll just tell you. I'm a quiet storm.
6. What’s your favorite kind of food to eat when you’re home on a chilly, rainy day? Clam Chowder.

Christmas throwdown '09

2009-12-26T22:16:00.002-05:00

And so this is Christmas. It was a wonderful 3 day vacation from work. On Christmas Eve, Tina and Abby wrapped gifts, while Alex and I hung out. After the kids were in bed, we proceeded to put together the "some assembly required" toys. I actually just played with Abby's little video game. It had a star wars game. What was I to. Tina arranged the gifts under the tree, and we crashed. 90 minutes later, Abby came in our room saying "Mommy, the rain woke me up, and I saw under the tree.. HE CAME! and gave me all the stuff I wanted!" This was at 2:15am. We convinced her to stay in bed until 6:30. She continued to talk and talk about what she thought she saw. We spent the next day playing with our toys that Santa brought. I got a guitar hero. Tina got a new camera. Abby got a scooter, and Alex got this thing called an "exersaucer," which sounds like something from an infomercial. In the end we had a wonderful time, had a great dinner, and now it's off to 2010. The year of the non-event.

Tiny Dancer

2009-12-21T16:51:00.002-05:00

This was Abby's first dance recital. We schlepped two kids across the metro-Atlanta area in the cold and rain to the Griffin Performing Arts center, which has no parking. Which is appropriate, because I don't believe anyone artistic would perform in this hillbilly hamlet. Abby's group was the #18 song. Out of 21. So we had to sit through 17 songs that where mercifully short, and watch other people's kids. They were fine, but I've got the attention span of a gnat, and at that point I had no patience. Don't even get me started on the white trash parents that had screaming kids and bladders the size of chick peas. Anyway, Abby did great, I'm so proud of her, so it was all worth it.

Chas's Christmas Spectacular

2009-12-09T16:35:00.004-05:00

Like any entertainment giant, I'm putting on a Christmas Spectacular!! I've gathered my favorite clips, etc. for your Holiday enjoyment.

First up, a musical number to get us in the mood. Here's Run DMC with their ode to Chicken and Collard Greens, "Christmas In Hollis."

A bit of trivia about that song, it uses a sample from Clarence Carter's tune about Santa's yearning for some dirty love, "Back door Santa."

Now for the culinary part of our program. Let's check in with NPR's Delicious Dish, and one of my favorite snacks. I'll take a sackful, please!

Hey let's take a moment to talk about family and the holidays. It's a time for being thankful for having family near, and renewing the ties that bind. Then they arrive. Just kidding, but it reminds me of a bit of prose spoken on a December morn by one Clark W. Griswold.
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn
The clean, cool chill of the holiday air
And an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.
And with that I give you... The shitter was full.

Full indeed, full of Christmas cheer!

Who can forget those Christmas mornings as a child, when you'd run to the tree and see what Santa brought you. The night before it was so hard to go to sleep, and you'd have all the possibilities swirling in your head. What will he leave? I remember wondering how the hell Santa Claus got into my house since we didn't have a fireplace. Then nanoseconds later I would see the mound of Star Wars toys tucked gently under the tree. It would be 5am and I knew I had a good 3 hours of playing time without any interruptions from anyone. The weeks leading up to Christmas would consist of me scouring the Sears Catalog, looking at the kaleidoscope of action figures and stuff that Santa would seemingly pick up on his way to my house. Adding to that anticipation, the machine gun delivery of the kids in the Star Wars toy commercials that conveyed a sense of urgency. Oh, they taunted me every Saturday morning.

I had most of those toys, if only I knew where they were now. I could put them in a box in the attic and think about how much they'll be worth in 50 years!

But Christmas is not just about toys, it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus, if you're Christian. If you're Jewish, it's about... Well I dunno. But I know who does. The star of Spanglish and Mr. Deeds, Adam Sandler!

Well that concludes our Christmas Spectacular!!. I hope in this holiday season, you take a break from the doorbuster values, drunken parties, and shitty claymation TV specials to give thanks for what you have, and honor your fellow man.
We leave you with some new Christmas classics, courtesy of the four little boys from South Park.
So from my family to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

"So you're the one who bought that CD..."

2009-11-15T19:34:00.003-05:00

Top 5 musical purchases you regret (or would like to cast aside to the nearest used CD store)
Well, since I download 99.9% of my music, I just hit delete. Of the CD's that I've actually paid for, here are the shittiest ones:
1. Ace Of Base - The Sign. I liked those 2 hits before they got big, then I got the CD and it was like an aural enema. It's what drove me to MP3s.
2.Peter Gabriel - So. Sledgehammer and Big Time are great, the rest was pretentious garbage.
3. Arrested Development - the album with Tennessee. The CD had 2 good songs, the rest was crap.
4. De La Soul's 2nd Album - I love love loved their first CD. This one was monumentally bad, unfunky, unclever, unlistenable.
5. Johnny Gill's CD with "Rub you the right way" and "My My My" - I bought it to play when I was gettin' busy with a woman. She wasn't impressed and laughed at my music choice. I bet no broad ever laughed at Johnny Gill.

Surely you have some stinkers in your CD collection. Hit comments and release your inner Donny Osmond.

Halloween

2009-11-02T21:50:00.002-05:00

Ok Ok Ok, I'm sure you've seen a thousand pictures of people dressed up or their kids dressed up. So here's mine.
Dorothy and the scarecrow.

Dorothy

and the Scarecrow

Alexander The Great

2009-10-03T22:02:00.003-04:00

Abby Gets Funky

2009-10-02T22:39:00.000-04:00

Why yes, the funk does run in the family.

2009-09-19T05:23:00.001-04:00

There aint no easy way out I will stand my ground And I wont back down

Da Kiddoz

2009-09-16T15:25:00.001-04:00

I don't know what I did to deserve these to angels.

Who should I be pissed at?

2009-09-07T12:00:00.003-04:00

My son is now 17 days old. In his short time on this earth, he has overcome a bruised face, acid reflux, jaundice, constipation and now blood in an uncomfortable place. The German doctor lady tells my wife on that last thing: "It could be nothing, or it could be something serious." Thanks, Frau, now return to the militant wing of the Salvation Army. My insides are infected by frustration, anger and pain, and I can't imagine what its like for an infant to go through this. Despite this, he's a happy baby and a fighter. He'll get through this tough spot and be stronger for it. Until then, my hands are tied, I'm paralyzed. I hate not being able to do anything. There's no one to yell at. No one to blame. I find myself pissed at the world asking, "What's next?"

2009-09-05T05:37:00.003-04:00

What was your favourite show on TV when your were little? When I was like 4 I loved the show "Emergency." It was about firemen, and starred the bar owner from Roadhouse. The other guy's name was Randolph Mantooth, the greatest actor name ever. I wonder if he's related to Wes Mantooth and his mother Dorothy Mantooth, who is a saint, btw. Then Star Wars happened, and that all went out the window.
What’s the first CD/LP that you bought? Again, when I was 4, I had a record player, and my first two 45's were "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" and "Rhinestone Cowboy." That should give you an idea of when I was a kid!
Who is the most famous person you have ever met? I interviewed Matthew McConaughey. One day I'll upload the video, and hunt down the picture of him, Tina and I. I also interviewed Vanna White (about crocheting!). I had Cybill Shepherd on my show once, she was a pain in the ass. I had Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits on my show, and insulted him by asking him to autograph a bootleg CD. You should see the note he wrote on the CD! I've also briefly met John Travolta, Matt Damon, Kevin James, and Willie Nelson.
What’s your most guiltiest of pleasures? Krystals. But I pay for it 3-4 hours later.
What’ the worst habit you have or had? All of them, except substance abuse. I don't do drugs, and rarely drink.
Describe yourself in three words? What The Fuck?

Maybe I'm Amazed

2009-09-02T18:28:00.001-04:00

My Nest

2009-08-22T21:05:00.002-04:00

I like to have all my birds in my nest. When I hit the bed at night, the very least of my worries is where my wife and daughter are. When they're out of town or something, I worry. None of that compares to my worry tonight. Alex, who is all of 42 hours old, is in the NICU at the hospital. I know its for the best, and he's getting good care, but when a mother comes home, so should the baby. Tonight, that's not the case. He's apparently having trouble breathing since he was 4 weeks early, and his little lungs aren't fully developed. Making my heartbreak worse, they told us he'd probably come home today, and even had us bring in the car seat so they could make sure he could breathe OK in it. He's fighting to get well, and there's not a damn thing his father can do but wait and pray. I keep telling myself its much much better that the doctors are in a prevention mode rather than a reaction mode, and I know it'll all turn out OK, but I want my nest complete.

Here Comes The Son

2009-08-21T10:16:00.002-04:00

The Welch name will live on. Alexander James was born at 4:31 am, weighing in at a whopping 8 pounds! He was 4 weeks early, but he wanted to come out. He's obviously headstrong like his uncle with the same middle name! Mom and Big Sis are excited, Dad is elated. I can't wait to teach him about Star Wars, Prince, how to build a computer, dick-n-fart jokes, and about how if a gadget is good, but the newer, faster one is better.

Too Fat To Fish

2009-08-19T21:10:00.003-04:00

[Listen] What music did your family listen to as you were growing up, and did that music end up influencing you in any way? My Dad always had Beatles playing. I still love all their music. We just went and saw Paul McCartney last weekend, so I guess it influence me.

[Watch] What is your most quotable movie? And if you want, share a couple quotes from it. Coming To America and the Austin Powers movies.
"His mama call him Clay, I'mma call him Clay."
"This ain't my first rodeo, Cowboy."
"Brooklyn Heights own Mister Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate"
"That ain't no woman, it's a man, man."

[Read] Think about the last book you read. In what ways were you similar to the writer or narrator? I read Artie Lange's book "Too Fat To Fish." I'm similar to him in many ways. The most obvious: being a fat Italian guy. The book is both hilarious and sad at the same time. Like me as well.

2009-08-09T05:33:00.002-04:00

Best concert: Prince, 2002, MPLS. 7 days in a row, at his house, with nothing but hardcore Prince fans in the house, and chilling with my home skillet Bino. He laughed incessantly when I wound up on my ass in the middle of the street in front of Paisley Park.
Song you can listen to over and over and not get tired of: Too many to list!
Band/artist you never thought you'd like but you do: Jimmy Buffett. He's too country and kinda cheesy, but I enjoy his concerts, and I'm not ashamed to say I only listen to his hits. :) Also, in my old age I don't mind Duran Duran. I hated them with a passion in the 80s, but now I sing with the radio when their tunes come on.
Worst movie music soundtrack or score: Full Metal Jacket. Crappy 80s synthesizers over a movie set in the 70s doesn't sound right.
A song you wish wouldn't get stuck in your head but always does: "There is always something there to remind me..." and any song that's on a kids show that Abby watches. Why yes, I have hummed the Dora theme song while not watching the show.

Milestones

2009-08-03T12:01:00.002-04:00

Today my daughter hits a milestone. She goes to school. I'm blown away by the whole situation. A mere 4 years ago, Abby was this little thing I could hold with one arm and prepare a bottle with the other. I know it's just Pre-K, but it's at an actual elementary school. Now she has a backpack, a bus number, and a teacher that's addressable by a last name. When did my baby become a little girl?
I have no issues with separation, she's been in day care since she was a baby. I have no worries about how she will interact socially with classmates, since she's been in day care and has gone to play dates all her life. I have no worries about how she will do academically. Abby can count to 100, backwards from 10, and to 10 in Spanish... and can read books above her age.
Maybe I'm just taken aback by how proud I am of her, and how excited I am to see her take the first step in to a much larger world.

Hey I'm all man, lady!

2009-07-20T12:00:00.001-04:00

Brandi: Second suitor, if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Well...

2009-07-05T12:37:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it's a good day.
Sometimes it's a bad day.
Sometimes a monkey washes a cat.

Smack Smack

2009-07-01T19:10:00.000-04:00

Fair to partly crazy.
Deep down we're all the same.
Every single one of us, knows some kind of pain.
In the middle of all this crazy, one thing still remains.
If you love somebody, you're life won't be in vain.
There's always a rainbow at the end of every rain.

OH BOY!

2009-06-05T17:36:00.002-04:00

We found out today we're having a boy. His name is Alexander James. It has a royal sound to it. So did my first choice for a name (which Tina veoted): Prince Skywalker.

Careless Whisper

2009-05-27T19:12:00.002-04:00

[Listen] See how many songs you can name off the top of your head that have an animal in the title. Easy, just think of The Beatles: Rocky Raccoon, Piggies, I am the Walrus, Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey, Hey Bulldog. Am I forgetting any?

[Watch] What’s the most moving animal-human relationship you can think of that you’ve seen in a movie? I saw some disgusting animal-human relations on the internet, but that's another story altogether. I'd have to say The Lone Ranger and Silver. or maybe that kid and Ole Yeller.

[Read] Who is your favorite animal-based character in a book? The Roach in The Metamorphosis.

mon coeur sur le disque

2009-05-19T16:54:00.003-04:00

Abby Pontificates

2009-05-03T18:52:00.000-04:00

It's just one lousy dime...

2009-05-01T15:24:00.001-04:00

Battle of the Network Pitchmen

2009-04-30T11:02:00.002-04:00

In this corner, a hooker-beating douche with a weird eyebrow... put your hands together for Vince!

And in this corner, a brave young man who turned his inability to control the volume of his voice into infomercial gold... let's hear it for the Bearded Bandit, Billy Mays

and the winner is... the American public.

Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.

2009-04-18T12:21:00.000-04:00

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

In A Large Room With No Light

2009-03-30T17:39:00.001-04:00

Lana drew a picture in school 2day
One that made her mother cry
A picture of a woman with a drink in her hand
Standing by a child with no eyes
Washington reaction based upon revenge
Babies blown to kingdom come

Damn the logic
Cartoon characters look better when they're on the run
Danny dropped the dime on his girlfriend
He said he didn't wanna go to jail alone
The seed lives in the same mind
With the thought that says we all should be stoned
And people lookin' for angels in the sky

Whenever they're broken-hearted
Love is grown, seeds are sown
A fire don't burn unless it's started
Did you ever feel that life was like lookin' 4 a penny
In a large room with no light?
A sophisticated man reduced to company in no-win situations
That aren't right
Everytime you wake up there's a little motherfucker
Talkin' big stuff in your face (Are you happy?)
You only get the kind of people that open their mouth
just to swap feet
Welcome to the rat race
Did you ever feel that life was like lookin' for a penny
In a large room with no light?
A sophisticated man reduced to company in no-win situations
That aren't right
Oh, if you could just pass your history class
Maybe life would be alright
Until then you'll be lookin' 4 a penny
In a large room with no light

Kenny Powers

2009-03-30T11:51:00.001-04:00

The best line ever from Kenny Powers:
“Listen here you beautiful bitch. I am about to fuck you up with some truth.”

I'm gonna miss that fuckin show.

3 the hard way

2009-03-16T12:20:00.000-04:00

Another dumb thing i put on my facebook thingie. If you're on there, drop me a line.

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Chas
2. Charles
3. Daddy (only by Abby!)

THREE INTERESTING PLACES I'VE WORKED IN MY LIFE
1. CNN
2. WGCL
3. Golden Corral

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Atlanta
2. New Orleans
3. Rio Grande Valley, TX

THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. Simpsons
2. The Office
3. Eastbound & Down (my new fave)

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. Mexico
2. Memphis
3. Minneapolis (I was feeling the M's)

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. New York
2. L.A.
3. D.C.

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. Pizza
2. Hamburger
3. Chick Fil-A

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. The new Baby
2. My April Stay-cation
3. When the world realizes my genius

THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. Lil Pepper (Our current and last pet)
2. I'm not a dog person
3. I'm not a cat person

THREE FRIENDS WHO WILL REPLY
1. Barack Obama
2. Stephen Tobolowski
3. Willie Nelson

THREE FAVORITE BANDS Or ARTISTS
1. Prince (of course)
2. The Beatles
3. Billy Joel

THREE FAVORITE TEAMS TO WATCH
1. Braves
2. Thrashers
3. Hawks

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Coke
2. Coke Zero
3. Orange Juice

The Joker isn't a rap fan

2009-03-09T07:44:00.001-04:00

Hey Teens

2009-03-01T07:09:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted anything in a while. I went on vacation to Orlando. It was nice, but tiring and expensive. Then we came back and it snowed in Atlanta. What the hell is that about? I'm sick of winter. Bring on the Hotlanta I know and am scorched in.

I also discovered facebook, and found I know more people than I had previously thought. I do it at work and on my phone. So if I'm not posting here, I'm over there.
And I also like failblog.org and its affilated websites. Good comedy over there.
Other than that I haunt the usual suspects, ajc.com, drudge, cnn, etc.

So if I'm not here, by all means, go over there and be my friend.

Am I an idiot for being on a social networking site?
Hit comments and release your inner Kenny Loggins.

That first step is a doozie!

2009-02-02T10:53:00.001-05:00

Happy Groundhog Day!

Groundhog Day is one of those movies I can watch over and over and still enjoy. What did you think? Hit comments and release your inner Ned Ryerson.

Have you seen this suspect?

2009-02-01T07:44:00.001-05:00

Karma is so gonna kick my ass for laughing at this.

I'm copper

2009-01-31T11:49:00.001-05:00

You Are Copper

You are provocative and challenging. You help people realize who they really are.
You live a very balanced life. You always take time for love and art.
You are both a powerful and generous person. You always have time to give back.
People find you to be incredibly ethical and loyal.

What Metal Are You?

I thought I'd be Motley Crue, but the question wasn't "What Hair Metal Band are you?"
Oh well. Hey, hit comments and let me know what metal you are, and release your inner Tommy Lee.

Social Networking

2009-01-28T13:48:00.003-05:00

1. What social networking sites do you use? (Myspace, Facebook, etc.) None, just this page you're looking at. I think if I was a more sociable person, I'd be on a social networking site. So I'm just making my own social network. Hit comments and say something, and I'll respond. How's that for social?
2. What do you use them for? This site is for nothing more than making you numbskulls laugh, and giving me something to play with for literally minutes a day. :)
3. Do you have any applications on your profile? What's your opinion of them? There's a thingie where you can listen to music, and another thingie where you can watch my youtube videos. They're on the right side of the screen, since I don't have a "profile."
4. What's one thing you would change about social networking sites? More nudity.

I'm going to give you a list of drinks and you give me a song/album/artist that fits that particular drink:
Espresso: "It's the end of the world as we know it" since I think you have to be hopped up on caffeine to sing at that speed.
Wine: "Spill The Wine" It's on the Boogie Nights soundtrack. The song's pretty cool.
Beer: License To Ill. Lots of beer-induced frat-boy rap. They quickly changed their tune.
Milk: John Lennon had an album called Milk and Honey
Water: "Don't go chasin' Waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to." It was the first water song that came to mind.
Tea: Ming Tea insert Austin Powers imitation here
Cappuccino: The Godfather Theme. It's Italian like the drink.
Margarita: No brainer here, "Margaritaville"

Batman and The Joker

2009-01-25T08:14:00.002-05:00

The password is what?

2009-01-23T20:07:00.002-05:00

A laugh to end your week:

I added some more funk to the mix. If you listening to it and you ain't groovin' in yo seat... something's wrong with yo ass. I changed some stuff around a bit too. What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner Jerome Benton.

The Moment.

2009-01-20T12:18:00.002-05:00

"Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

President Barack Obama
Washington, DC
12:30pm, January 20, 2009

70s Funk

2009-01-16T08:38:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling in a 70s funk mood today, so I put some tracks in the mix for yall. Where's that mixtape thingie that used to be to the right? Apparently the company's business model of streaming other people's music for free didn't hold up in these tough economic times. So now there's a new jukebox at the bottom of the page. To hear the funk, scroll down, way down. These aren't you average 70s funk tunes you hear on commercials, etc. These are rare tracks teeming with funk.
Do you have any additions for the list? What are your funky favorites? Hit comments and release your inner Bootsy Collins.

So... freakin... cold

2009-01-16T08:01:00.002-05:00

This morning as I left my house, it was a scorching 18 degrees, by the time I got to work, it was 16. That's just re-gotdam-diculous. I know you northerners say, "Try dealing with cold and snow for months!" To which I reply, "Move." That's why I live in the south, cuz it ain't that cold. Even the one day a year when it does snow, it's not that cold. Oh well, you know what they say about the weather, everyone bitches about it, but no one ever does anything about it.
How cold is it where you live? Hit comments and release your inner Jack Frost.

Did yall see the news yesterday about the plane that landed in the Hudson River? That pilot must have balls of steel to not only pull off a water landing but also have the skills to do it without any casualties. They say you should treat every day as a blessing, I hope the people on that plane who are making the tv news show rounds do just that.

Santa tells Abby a joke

2008-12-22T10:08:00.002-05:00

"So I tell Mrs. Claus, 'That ain't no Yule log!'"

Kay Ef See

2008-12-12T10:29:00.002-05:00

I was quite amused by the story of the girls bathing in the KFC sink. Especially the fact that it was on the news before the manager knew about it. I worked at KFC in high school, and I saw many things. Nothing involving half-naked chicks though. There was the time Tommy 2-Short, a diminutive rapping chicken-frier, who got blown in the men's bathroom (while he was supposed to be cleaning it) by a pregnant white trash co-worker. There was the time a co-worker and I were supposed to go get drunk, but he couldn't make it cuz he was in jail for attempted murder. Then there was the time I dared this black dude to throw a ball made of flour and water at the owner's son. He did it. There were some other bizarre shit that went down but I have to plead the fifth on the rest.

I think anyone who has to work at a fast food restaurant deserves a break, somewhat. It's degrading, it's nasty, and it doesn't pay well. If nothing else it inspired me to work hard to get a job that doesn't involve cleaning deep-fat fryers. Don't get me wrong, these broads shouldn't have done something so unsanitary. No customer deserves to have a stranger's ass and vagina slime on their food. At least they're bathing, which is more than can be said about many of the fast food employees I've run into.

What about you? Surely you've had some shitty job that has permanently scarred you. Hit comments and release your inner Dave Thomas.

Abby voted for "Rocka Bama"

2008-11-05T12:27:00.001-05:00

November 4th, It's either sadness or euphoria.

2008-10-23T17:15:00.003-04:00

I'm often asked about who I'm voting for in the upcoming election. I haven't written about it, since (according to my Dad and Brother) I'm a member of the liberal elite media, I don't want to take sides. I will say this: We live in the greatest country on earth, and we're forced to pick between the lesser of two evils.
One of my favorite performers, Billy Joel, today was asked which of his songs fits each of the candidates. He didn't answer, but played this song which I think sums up the painful yet necessary evil we call presidential politics.

Summer, Highland Falls.
They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lover's eyes
And I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise
And realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
Our reason coexists with our insanity
And though we choose between reality and madness
It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria

I'm hungry and it ain't lunchtime yet.

2008-10-12T11:17:00.002-04:00

What is your favorite…

Breakfast Food: Eggs, bacon, grits, toast. Why yes, I am from the south and obese, why do you ask?
Pizza: Anything thin crust, and Domino's philly cheese-steak pizza.
Ice Cream: Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup. Them hippies make a helluva ice cream.
Caffeinated Beverage: Coke. There ain't no other.
Vegetable: Funyuns
Fruit: Skittles
Dessert: Chocolate Cream parfait from KFC. I don't think they sell these anymore, but when I was a kid they were the shit.
Fast Food Chain: It depends on my mood. But I can usually eat Taco Bell any time of the day or night.
Store-bought Beer (or soda if you don’t drink beer): I rarely drink, but the only beer I ever actually enjoyed was Mini-Coronas in Mexico with those lil limes.
Type of Cuisine: Mexican
BONUS: What kind of food are you the best at cooking/baking? I'm good at cooking everything, yes everything. except pancakes. My spaghetti and meatballs are an aphrodisiac. Think they ain't?

What about you? Hit comments and release your inner Paula Deen.