StrangeLove

Strange ain't the word for the new VH1 Show with Flavor Flav and Bigfoot. I think these two are meant for each other. They're two polar opposites, brought together by their mutual eccentricity. He, the ghetto jester raised on hip-hop... and she, the former fashion model turned sasquatch, bred on the finer things. You have to admire their chutzpah, Flav flies across the world to try and rip her away from the Italian boytoy to whom she's engaged. A romantic gesture doomed from the beginning. Flav's tenacity is second to none. He knows he's totally no good for her, she knows she can never be with a guy like him. Despite that, he knows in his heart he needs to be with her. Not for the fame, not for the fortune (unless they really believe there's no such thing as bad publicity). Maybe he sees in her everything he isn't: a strong sophisticated person who grabs life by horns and doesn't let go and can survive anything. Maybe she sees in him everything she isn't: someone with a big heart, and lets it all hang out without a care... or maybe thats what makes them the same. Maybe she sees in him a lost soul with no road map. You can see this when he gets angry whenever he feels inadequate, like when she tells him to take out his gold toofs. Beyond all of that, he knows its love. He knows what he feels for her. He's gotta know she's never going to drop everything and be Mrs. Flav. But he knows its love, and for a few fleeting moments he wanted to feel that fire. Love is like a dying ember, and only memories remain. Will they get together and walk down that aisle at the funky Vegas wedding chapel? Only time will tell... or you can just watch the show.

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He came from somewhere back in her long ago
The sentimental fool don't see
Tryin' hard to recreate
What had yet to be created once in her life

She musters a smile
For his nostalgic tale
Never coming near what he wanted to say
Only to realize
It never really was

She had a place in his life
He never made her think twice
As he rises to her apology
Anybody else would surely know
He's watching her go

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
And nothing at all keeps sending him...

Somewhere back in her long ago
Where he can still believe there's a place in her life
Someday, somewhere, she will return

She had a place in his life
He never made her think twice
As he rises to her apology
Anybody else would surely know
He's watching her go

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
There's nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees...

In honor of Elvis' 70th Birthday today, I thought yall would like to see this pic. I saw it at an art store in Savannah. Its made up of little Christmas ornaments (or something like them). Pretty impressive. 

Patrick's Place

Patrick's Place:1. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #38: If you could live in a foreign country(or city) for one year, which would you choose and why? Mexico. Its sooo much fun. and they have Mexican food there... and mexican women.

2. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #39: Did you have a security blanket, stuffed animal or toy that you were attached to as a child? Do you still have it? Nope.

3. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #40: Favorite alcoholic beverage? Jack & Coke, but I don't drink that much. I abuse my body too many other ways.

4. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #41: What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Tom & Jerry.

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #42: Is there a chore you enjoy doing? Vacuuming, thanks to the badass Dyson.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #43: A time machine will let you travel 10 years into either the past of future. Which would you choose and why? The future, definately. The past is the past, let it go. The experiences of the past make us who we are, why change that?

I'm an OutKast B-Side

I Like the Way You Move by Outkast

"There, there on the dance floor Now they got me in the middle Feelin like a man whore" You've had better years, but you're still feeling fine!

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

Evening Dispatch

• I've found my true worth at my job. Forget my nearly a decade of experience, forget my award-winning writing abilities, or my stellar newscast producing... today my most important assignment: putting a 'Sex And The City' ringtone on my boss's cellphone.
  
• Speaking of Journalistic high points, the highlight of tonight's broadcast: Fred Powers showed his bandaged staph infection on the air. Luckily the folks at home eating dinner at 6:15 pm didn't get to see what was under the bandage. We in the control room were not so lucky. I may not be able to sleep tonight. I thank da lawd he didn't do a story on his 'roids. Whats the grossest thing you've seen on TV?
  
• Everywhere I look today, its: Justin and Cameron are engaged. Who gives a shit. These two idiots deserve each other.

May The Hype Be With You

Let the Buzz Begin. I usually avoid Pre-Star Wars movie hype like the plague. In the past its ruined the suspense when the movie finally does come out. Despite that, this is just cool. Vanity Fair has a fold-out cover shot of all the major Star Wars players. To add to the hype, there's even a guy whose already in line for the next movie, even though its 5 months away! He doesn't even know if its going to be at the theater outside which he has planted himself. Now there's talk that Mark Hamill and Kevin Smith are teaming up to do a Star Wars TV show. Call me crazy, call me a nerd, but thats fucking cool. I remember as a young Chas, my dad took me to see Star Wars at a Drive-Inn. Maybe I'll be able to do that with my kid one day.

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This month will begin the last season of The Osbournes. I'm kinda glad, its time to give them to rest. I love Ozzy, I love his music, and I love his pre-Reality Show persona. Overnight, he went from the Prince of Fuckin' Darkness, the elder-statesman of Metal to America's Favorite Daddy Doofus. Sure, he made a buttload of money, he's now an even bigger star than before, and his TV show was a hit, and his family members are now household names.... But look what the poor bastard gave up: He lost his privacy, he relapsed into drug use, his ole lady got cancer, and two of his kids went to rehab. Godspeed Osbournes, Godspeed.

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And in a shameful ploy for hits, I'm mentioning Ashlee Simpson. This broad gets creepier all the time. First her father had a "Virginity Ceremony" with Jessica Simpson, now Ashlee reveals the Sisters Simpson can each burp the alphabet. Nice. No wonder your no-singin' ass has acid reflux! But she's got talent. Jeez. I hear they can queef the Star Spangled Banner too. In case you missed her getting booed at the Orange Bowl, this guy posted a video clip of it. There's also more hot pictures of Jessica as Daisy Duke in the new Dukes Of Hazzard flick.

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And this really taps my nuts... After all the bantering about how digital music downloads are ruining the music busines... CD SALES ACTUALLY WENT UP! Atlanta hometown heroes Usher, Lil Jon and OutKast had record-breaking years. It just goes to show you, the market will straighten itself out. Give people what they want! So to all those RIAA punk ass bitches out there who are suing little old ladies and children and broke college students: eat a dick.

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

"Mike, you're writing checks my ass can't cash."

Fish, Chips and Mushy Peas

Onesome: Fish- Do you have a favorite outdoor hobby or are you a strictly stay at home type? Sheeit, I'm a lazy ass stay at home type.

Twosome: Chips- Do you gamble? Lotto, weekly poker night or weekends in Vegas? I don't gamble, I like my money too much. I don't play lotto because I have such a small chance of winning, my money would just go into some other asswipe's pocket. So screw him! I don't play poker like all these trendy people. I play blackjack online every once in a while, but I don't lose any money that way!

Threesome: and mushy peas- What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?
No complaints so far. :)

Pretty Vapid

Ashlee Simpson was definatley *not* lip-synching at last night's Orange Bowl... she got booed. This is freaking hilarious. Its karma. You try and cheat by lip synching, then when you really sing, your crappy voice is blatantly obvious. I heard a bit of the other talentless twat Lindsey Lohan singing on the Ellen DeGeneres show. She's just as talentless. The backup singers save her hot ass. Can you imagine what's going through the back-up singer's minds? They hone their craft from their younger years... they go on audition after audition... taking vocal lessons, etc. Then they finally get a big break, and its singing backup for this chick who has no talent and has everything handed to her. Same with Ashlee Simpson, her band on SNL took the rap for messing up the lip-synch performance... think about them. They took lessons from a young age, they eat shit and live in tiny ass apartments just so they can spend their lives doing what they love. Then they get a chance to be on a national tour, and play with on a national television show. Then what happens? Their reputations are shot to hell because some made-up spoiled ass idiot with zero talent gets show up on TV. While I think this is a messed-up situation, they know this is show business. They know this is the life they've chosen. So the bottom line is, the public will weed-out the talentless idiots, and a new manufactured image will take their place, and thousands of talented people will go un-discovered.

Midweek Music Questions

What’s your favorite unlikely duet? David Bowie and Bing Crosby on the 1970s Christmas Special. Eminem and Elton John on the grammies a few years ago. Bono And Frank Sinatra did something a few years ago. and Nelly and Tim McGraw did something last year. I think producers put them together because the novelty is worth nothing else than one look.

I'm feeling remarkably well considering I had my head drilled today.

Movie Reviews

Here's my reviews of the last few movies I've seen.
Garden State. This was a nice little movie. One of those coming-of-age learning-myself movies. It teetered on being stupid, but it kept my attention pretty well. Natalie Portman was great. I was impressed that young Zach Braff wrote and directed this deep movie by himself. Zach is a kid who comes home to Jersey after being out in LA for a while. Once back his past comes rushing back while colliding with his present and future. He's filled with the same questions that we all face, where am I going? Does my past determine my future? In the end he meets quirky chick Natalie Portman and they live happily ever after. The End. If only it was like that in real life. I kept waiting for the Dr. Cox to come in and call him a girl's name like on Scrubs.

Napoleon Dynamite. This is sure to eventually be a classic. Its a story about a dork's life. Me being a dork, I can identify with this. He lives in a surreal world. There's very little story per se, its more of like a weird underdog story. Except there's no bad guy, and in the end, the character doesn't really change from the beginning, which is usually what you want in a character. Its pretty funny I would recommend it. This will be one of those quotable movies, like Wayne's World, Austin Powers and Anchorman.

Polar Express was a cute little Christmas movie. I can't see it watching it at any other time. The animation was amazing, except for the facial expressions, which are next to impossible to make perfect. Good flick to bring kids to.

I didn't get to Meet The Fockers which is apparently the best movie of the Holiday Season. I don't get it. I didn't see it, but how can any movie with Barbra Streisand be any good? What movies did you see? Hit comments and release your inner Ebert.

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

On The World Of Coke:
"I won't go there because they don't address the one thing I want to know about... That they used to put the equivalent of a line of cocaine in every bottle."

Tuesday is Choose Day

Tuesday is choose day

Would you rather:
1. work at a company that regularly tests hair care products on animals OR regularly buries toxic waste illegally?
Hair care products on an animal. The toxic waste would hurt humans, and we're a shitload more important than some cat that someones putting some lipstick on.
2. for an entire month, eat everything through a straw OR deep fried?
Deep Fried without a doubt!
3. invent the next popular kids toy OR sex toy?
Sex Toy, because at one point you'd have to have a hot chick test them out.
4. find out your neighbor is a spy for an enemy nation OR a black ops assassin for your government?
Black Ops for the government, at least I'd know he's working for our side

My new years resolution

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Wear my underwear outside my pants. Get your resolution here

Waste Of Time

Looking for a way to waste your time? (Even more than when you read this page) This guy has you beat. Sure you get free long distance on nights and weekends with a cell phone, but that doesn't mean you should call 867-5309 in every area code!

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I'm sure you're all sick of year-end lists, but this one's pretty funny. Its 2004's overused words. Make sure you journey back to my blog my nizzle, every day you'll find all new stuff, and more! Its the über-improvised explosive device or "da bomb!" (sorry that was 2001's overused term) Sure there are some pockets of resistance out there, but trust me, I'm safe and effective!

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Yesterday's deeds descend on raptors wings
talons flair and slice into my mind
tearing through the carefully constructed facade of hope
i bleed, into tomorrow
ancestoral wounds reopen with vengence
defacing logic and maming reason
proclaiming the torment of self loathing valid
i bleed, fill with sorrow

Misusing The Airwaves

I laughed like a schoolgirl when I made my anchor say, "AND FOR THE FIFTEENTH YEAR IN A ROW... A GROUP OF MINNESOTANS PURIFIED THEMSELVES IN THE WATERS OF LAKE MINNETONKA." Of the thousands of people who were watching my show last night, probably only 3 knew there was a Purple Rain reference there. Too bad I couldn't put video of a naked Apollonia in my show. Maybe on my last show. :) If you were getting ready to be fired from a TV show, what would you put on the last show? Hit comments and let the funk flow.

Friday Feast

Appetizer
Using only 5 words, describe how 2004 went for you.
You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding.

Soup
Name something you did in 2004 that you'll probably never do again.
I could write a book.

Salad
What did you learn about yourself in 2004?
I'm annoying, people hate me and want me to die, and I need to apply myself more at work.

Main Course
What notable news event from 2004 will stand out most in your memory?
Janet's Tittie

Dessert
Name something you purchased in 2004 that you really, really like. This LCD Monitor, my cell phone.

Yay! I'm not white trash!

I AM 11% WHITE TRASH! I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com

No wonder George Carlin was such a dick to me, he was probably sleepin' off a load of E&J or all hopped up on goofballs! Getting bitched at by a comedian is about as fun as pissing off an oldies act. 

The Nose Knows

1. What is your favorite scent?

2. Can you get your favorite scent in a candle, spray or plug in? A Plug-in, sometimes. ;)
3. What do you use to make your home smell good? (ex: spray, powder, candles, incense, oils, stick ups or plug ins) I clean it.
4. What scent do you dislike the most? Why? Patchouli or Ammonia.
5. Is there any natural scent that you really wish they could bottle? See #1

Evening Dispatch

1. Did you travel for the Christmas holidays? If so, how did you get where you were going and how was the trip? I drove from ATL to Savannah, then to Jax, then to Orlando. The trip was OK since it was split into pieces. We were like the Beverly Hillbillies with an Xterra full of presents to give on the way, then presents we got coming home. The trip was tiring, and I was glad to sleep in my own bed again.
2. Did you get most of the gifts you were hoping for? I wasn't really hoping for anything special. Its good just to have people in your life that care enough to get you anything. All the presents I got were thoughtful and great.
3. If you were to check Santa's list, would your name appear to indicate that you had been good enough in 2004 to have DESERVED those gifts? You'll have to ask Santa.
4. If you HAD to make one New Year's Resolution next year, what would it be? Not to make resolutions.
5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #36 from Mrs. L: What is your favorite kind of Christmas cookie or dessert? Mrs. Fields cookies made by my grandma, and raw ranger cookies.
6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #37 from Promise: Who inspires you the most in your life? I can't narrow it down to one person. I find inspiration everywhere. From friends to musicians to authors to regular people I meet.
What about u?

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

Regarding the Tsunami that killed 45,000 people:
"It should've hit L.A... They had it coming, after all that plastic surgery and stuff."

Dorothy Mantooth Is A Saint!

The greatest movie of the year drops on DVD today... Anchorman. All those Best Buy gift cards I got for Christmas will be put to good use! Three discs of Ron Burgundy goodness. Speaking of Willie Ferrell, I checked out Elf and Best Of Will on SNL while on my Oprah-sized vacation. Elf was cheezy and Christmassy, but funny. The SNL DVD is pretty funny, but after a while you're looking for other skits besides Will Ferrell Stuff.

I'm back to the grind after the big Holiday Tour '04, hitting Savannah, Jax, and Orlando. It was nice being with family and meeting new family, but if they could all congregate at one place (preferably not Atlanta!) so I don't have to drive, that would be nice of them. I think what I'll remember most about this vacation is having to have the bag o'pills close at hand the entire time. How was your Chrismakwanzakah? Hit comments and release your inner Grinch

A word from Record Producer Bruce Dickinson

I've got a fever, and the only prescription is...

Sofa King True!

This guy counted down the 25 most annoying newsmakers of 2004. I agree with every one of them! Who do you think is most annoying? Hit comments and get it off your chest!

Happy Xmas

1. What is a fond holiday tradition from your childhood? I remember as a child, being so excited to see my cousins around Christmas, and spending Christmas Eve at Grandma Ducci's house, then going to bed, and waking up to Star Wars Stuff left by Santa, then Going by Grandma Welch's house and getting more presents there. My Grandma would hide her homemade cookies in her bedroom closet, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE would sneak in there and get some. It was all so innocent and simple back then.
2. If you could start a new holiday tradition, what would it be? Any tradition is a good one, if you're doing it with those you love, and its fun.
3. What is your favorite Christmas song and who sings it? "Please Come Home For Christmas" The Eagles.
4. Is there a certain event, food, television program, etc. that makes your Christmastime complete? Just being with family is Christmas enough for me. If I'm not with loved ones, then its not Christmas. Nevermind the decorations, presents, food, etc. The Holidays are about putting the important stuff into perspective. Like even though we sat in the car for 2 hours waiting to see the retarded lights at Lake Lanier, we were with friends and had a good time.
5. Does is traditionally snow where you live at Christmastime? If not, do you wish that it did? It snows here in Atlanta once a year, usually not at Christmas time. I'm happy for that. I hate the cold.

... in other words...

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken, "Oh, the Things I Know", 2002

While I usually wouldn't quote an ultra-liberal ultra-bland comedian, this quote was up on a meme webpage, so I figured it was as good as any other quote to write about. I have made more mistakes than I care to remember... nor will I. But I've tried to learn from each of them. I've often not heeded that lesson learned. I've hurt people who don't deserve it, I've hurt myself by not heeding those lessons, I've wasted time and energy that could have been saved by seeing the writing on the wall. Billy Joel said your mistakes are the only things you can truly call your own. So I take ownership of those mistakes, and their lessons, and I appreciate them. You have to own up to that responsibility for those mistakes. This may or may not make sense, I'm tired, I hurt, and insomnia has become an unwelcome nightly visitor. Besides being another of life's cruel ironies, insomnia has a way of making you remember those mistakes. So you have no choice but to face them, or shut the hell up. I choose the latter.

Me and Bill Cosby spending Xmas Together it seems

You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy. You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

Funny photoshops

Hooray For Hollywood

1) Which movie do you think was THE BEST of 2004? The worst? Anchorman was by far the best movie I've seen this year. The worst movie ummmm... I've seen too many stupid flicks to remember... "Ladykillers" and "Envy" were pretty bad, those are the only ones I can think of offhand.
2) If you were handing out the Oscar's this year, who would pick as Best Actor and Actress. Name the actor/actress and the film. I can't think of anyone who really blew me away.
3) The category is 'best film of 2004'. There are 5 nominees. What 5 movies would be on your list. Anchorman, Bourne Supremacy, Farenheit 9/11, Jersey Girl, Team America.
BONUS) Is there a moving coming out in the upcoming year that you're excited to see? If so, what is it? Batman Begins, June 17, and maybe Clerks 2: The Passion Of The Clerks (I'm not sure if its coming out in 2005)

What are your picks?

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I'm in so much pain, I can't see straight. I can't wait until January 5th.

Make your own Christmas Carol!

You have to have some amount of musical talent, but if not, its still fun to play with. Czech it out. The Star Wars Christmas Carol is my favorite.

I Love Whitney...

...not because I love her singing, or her acting, or anything she'd want to me to love. I love her because no matter how stupid you think she could act, she always some something nuttier. Today, at about Five O'Clock, Whitney drove her car into a MARTA bus in Alpharetta. Way to go Whitney! Some people just can't light a crack pipe and drive at the same time. Whats your favorite celebrith gaffe? Hit comments and share.

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

"I'm gonna go rub my ass all over the afternoon meeting."

Just what you wanna see under the tree on Christmas morning 

Christmas Cheddar

1. What do you like most about Christmas? Getting to see the people you don't get to see a lot during the year. While some people you don't want to see, you mostly make time to see the ones you love.
2. How have your Christmas perceptions changed over time? Over time I've looked past the commercialism aspect of it, and I've looked for whats important during the Holidays: being with family, showing those you love how much you care for them. It used to be about the ritual of it... taking time off school, buying presents, giving them, eating dinner, getting back to your daily routine.
3. Is it truly better to give than to receive? Yes. I receive shit all the time, but I don't think I give enough. When I do give, I halfway feel guilty because it gives me pleasure to give someone something. If that makes any sense.
4. What's your all time favorite Christmas present? Zoë learned to say my name Christmas before last.
5. What gift are you most proud of giving to someone else? Ask me in a few months.

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You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

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Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas

For you, it's all about sharing times with family. Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Elton

"Sometimes when I'm nervous I stick my hands in my armpits, then smell them."

Evening Edition

• On Monday, December 13, 2004 our Noon News beat WXIA’s Noon show with a 3.0/8.0 HH Rtg/Shr.
  
• Badass Christmas II is done. Thanks to the one person who sent in a suggestion. I literally searched through about 3,000+ Christmas mp3s to find the perfect tunes. If you ask nicely you might find one in your stocking. Next to that other crap you're probably just going to return.
  
• While I love the lesbians, I don't see what Portia diRossi sees in Ellen DeGeneres. Is it the obnoxious dancing? Is it her premier cunnlingus skills honed between the legs of many a New Orleans dyke? Or is it just for publicity? Weigh in with your thoughts.
  
• Who knew there was remote control etiquette?
  
• While shopping for some kids on the Angel Tree, I was wondering if there's a similar program for hookers who won't get any presents for Christmas, or Hanukkah. Pimps take all their money, and they don't make that much to begin with. Would it be called the "Ho Tree"? Take off a tag with the name of a hooker, what size bra, what size clear-heeled shoe, and g-string she wears, then bring them back unwrapped to the local 7-11, adult bookstore, or Bus Depot. Never has so little gone so far.

Trick or treat, smell my feet. She's got more money than God, but yet she can't stop at Target and get some $3.98 Odor-Eaters. You can take the girl out the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out the girl! I think Britney and Paris are in some kinda competition to see who can be the richest, but act the trashiest. I have a feeling that The Federlines have a Mercedes up on blocks in front of their mansion.

Shaking Loose the Mortal Coil

So you find yourself dead. Can't control what happens next, or can you?
1. The split second before you're about to die, time stops and you can accomplish one last task before the end. What is it? Cure whatever the fuck I'm dying of... Eat a whole muffaletta... seriously... I'd see my family for the last time, and hope that they were smiling, and not sad that I was gone.
2. The Nacissistic Death is all about you - in what manner did you die? If I'm going to die Narcissistically, I'm going to go on a reality show and do it there. That way the pundits will say, "Has Reality TV gone too far?" Plus everyone would see me, and I'd have my 15 minutes of fame, just after I'm dead.
3. What music/song would you like played at your funeral? Sometimes It Snows In April.
4. RIP? You can do better than that - what finals words to the world are etched on your tombstone/urn? Is that it?
5. Apparently, there's suppose to be happiness in the afterlife. What age are you and what's different about you that makes you oh so happy to be here? 21. I was legal, I had only a few bills, I was relatively non-obese, I had a ton of fun, I had a world in front of me, so much potential. What the hell happened to me? That's what should be on my tombstone.

Friday Night

• James Brown has prostate cancer. James said his first sympton was a cold sweat. He expects to beat it and feel good soon.
  
• The trailer for "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" is out. I hate it. Willy Wonka looks queer as fuck. Since its not called "Willy Wonka ..." its technically not a remake of the Gene Wilder flick. Thats the only good thing about this flick. Its fucking edwards scissorhands with chocolate. I'm boycotting this blasphemous hunk of shit.
  
• Do the terrorists get their ideas from Dr. Evil? The government says the terrorists may use "lasers" to blind pilots when they're trying to land. What the hell? Next they're going to steal nuclear warheads to drill into the earth and hit liquid hot "MAGMA." Surely this is a joke. Is Osama bin Laden really gonna be sitting on side of Hartsfield-Jackson-Franklin International Airport with a laser pointer taking out AirTran flights full of tourists? I'm sure our airport security could twart a retarded plot like this. I think someone made a joke, and a reporter overheard it, and then ran with it.

Happy Hanukkah

Or is it Chanukah?
This is funny as hell. Shalom to my jewish friends. Enjoy!

Afternoon Dispatch

• I think I'm the North Georgia Correspondent. Twice in the last week I have trapsed up I-75. I went to do a story on a military send-off on Friday in Dalton, the carpet capital of the world. Then yesterday I hauled ass up to Ringgold, which is almost in Chattanooga to get a 20 minute interview. I talked to the father of the soldier that asked Rumsfeld the question about their armor. The dad was a nice guy, even though we interviewed him out in the cold on side of a BP station. We hauled ass back and and fed our video from the hill at the US Play. When the photographer and I were done, we were exhausted. Tonight I'll probably get sent to Nashville to cover something stupid. OH well. To make matters worse... I missed the best night of TV, Superman, West Wing, and South Park.
  
• There needs to be a Paris Hilton - Lindsey Lohan Bukkake video out. I'm tired of hearing about these idiots. They need to be taken down a few notches. I know what you're thinking, "You mean your pithy comments aren't enough to tear down their celebrity empires, Chas?" Sadly no. So keep your fingers crossed for the Bukkake.
  
• Hot Lesbian Love Tryst on The O.C.: CONFIRMED!
  
• Who would've thought that a guy named Dimebag Darrel would hang with a bad crowd?
  
• Sinus Infections suck ass... and snot.
  
• Adam Sandler should stick to dick and fart joke movies. Will his big paychecks replace the testicles he had to sever in order to get the big role in the spanish chick flick?
  
• These broads are funny as hell.
  
• I'm sure you have some thoughts on this bullshit. Hit Comments already, or tell your hotter, more popular, more literate friends to do it for you!
  

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

"Big Mama, I'm gonna keep a bottle of whiskey up here for days like this."
"If I hold any more hands, it'll be like I'm going steady in junior high school"

Imagine

Today is the day John Lennon was killed outside his New York City apartment in 1980. In his life, his music changed the lives of so many people. He never claimed to be more than just a guy with a guitar who spoke out about what he believed in... all without pretense. What would the face of music be if John had lived? I'm sure he would have been on the cusp of anything new and exciting just like he was during his short life.
A BBC Report From That Day.

Black People Love Us!

Sally and Johnny are wack, yo!

Desk Quote Of The Day

Desk Quote Of The Day: "I swear to God I'm gonna pull a Pete Townshend in a minute."

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Prince got 5 Grammy nominations, of which he'll win none.

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Keep Me In Your Heart
Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called 'When all is said and done'
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Jesus, Mary and Posh Spice

Religious folks in England are getting pissy because they've made a nativity scene with wax statues of famous people. Lighten the hell up, bloody wankers. Its not like they're showing a crucifix in a vat of pee. Do you think that if they put up a nativity scene with random wax figures that anyone would be talking about anywhere outside Madam Toussaud's neighborhood? If that gets at least 5 more people talking about religion, or the spirit of the Christmas season, then its worth putting Hugh Grant's face on Baby Jesus.

Jessica Simpson's Oscar Winning Portrayal of Daisy Duke

I'm sure the Academy will not gloss over Jessica Simpson's portrayal of Daisy Duke in this new Dukes of Hazzard movie. It seems Hollywood can't find any new ideas, so they're taking all the old TV shows and recycling them. Starsky & Hutch, Charlie's Angels, what else? "She's The Sheriff - The Movie" coming soon to a theater near you. Anyway, enjoy the hot ass picture of future Oscar-winner Jessica Simpson. Will Snoop Dogg do a cameo as Cooter?

Hope For The Future

Every while in a once, you come across an invention or something that makes you say, "damn thats a good idea." These guys have come up with a cell phone cover that turns into a sunflower when you throw it away. I guess sometimes you have to put your faith in your fellow man that they'll make everything alright, despite the sayers of nay. When you throw something away, have faith that one day it will grow into something beautiful.

Damn I love TV

Have I mentioned I love TV? More than that, I love girl-on-girl action on TV. The latest show to muff-dive in... The O.C. Apparently chronically-depressed Marisa will forego the chronically-depressed Ryan and the chronically-Mexican gardener, and go straight for the pink. God Bless The O.C. This could rank up there with such lesbian lip-locks as Madonna and Britney at the 2003 VMAs, Allie McBeal and that chinese chick back in the 90s, Jaime Pressly and Tiffani Amber Theisson on Fastlane, Sarah Michelle Gellar and that nerdy chick in Cruel Intentions, and Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in any of those movies they were in.
While the internet can provide hot lesbians 24 hours a day, its nice to see it on regular TV now and then. Its more taboo if you see it on TV. It leaves more to the imagination I guess. And I've got quite an imagination.
I think playing the lesbian card is a last ditch effort to revive sagging ratings. Its seems to have replaced the "lets add another baby to the show" formula. They've learned their lessons from the many series that have jumped the shark. I'd rather see some hot sitcom rug-munchers get it on instead of a warm cuddly family crack wise about changing diapers.

Lazy Sunday

Its cold and rainy here, and it has a bad effect on my mood. Thats why I like the summer time. I live in the south for that reason, I like it here. I like southern people. Anyways, I have no brilliant thoughts so I'll bring you the day's questions:
1) Which stone is your birthstone? Do you like it? Amethyst, a purple stone originally thought to make all who touched it sober if they were drunk. I'm not sure what that symbolizes. What do you think?
2) Do you prefer silver or gold? Neither, Platinum, yo.
3) Name the jewelry that you wear whenever you leave the house. Watch and Pimp Ring.
4) What is your most precious and valuable item of jewelry? My Dad gave me the pimp ring when I graduated High School.
5) Do you carry insurance on any of your jewelry and if not, why not? No. Jewelry is just an object. Its the thought behind them thats important. Not what other people think about you when you wear it. The object can be replaced, the thought behind it should endure.
Political ?s
1. Are you for or against George W. Bush? I think you should be for the President whomever it may be. Not necessarily be a blind follower, but respect the office, even if you don't respect the man. I voted for the other guy in the election, but that doesn't mean I hate Bush. I think he could've done a much better job, and I don't know if he'll do any better in the next four years. I respect the fact that he was democratically elected, and that along with the great freedom we have in voting comes the great responsibility of respecting the majority winner. In this country we also have the freedom to express disagreement with said leaders, and that,to me, is more important than any other right.
2. Are you for or against Firefox or Internet Explorer? I'm for whatever gets the job done. I like that firefox set out to create a better product than the one thats shoved down our throat. The market seems to agree, as IE has gone down to a 90% share of the browser market. Like everything else in the computer game, it'll eventually change. There was a time when Netscape clobbered Mosaic. Do you know anyone who still uses either of those browsers?
3. Downloading music: a gift from the heavens or something that should be outlawed? Easily a gift from the heavens. Like the browser war, the market has spoken. People don't want to pay $15 for a CD with one good track and 11 other shitty ones anymore. Now the industry that's still scared of MP3s is slowly beginning to embrace it. The new U2 album was available legally a week before it hit the shelves, and the album still hit #1. It also forced the market to find new ways to get people to buy CDs. Prices fell a bit (not enough), and they started adding incentives, like videos on the disc or added DVDs. I applaud those moves, but I'm still gonna download my mp3s for free. Screw the record industry. The digital music medium also gives unknown or obscure bands an even playing field on which they can get their music out.
4. How do YOU think the gun control issue should be dealt with? Common sense. Be strict with licensing and selling firearms. Don't sell an assault rifle to a kid or someone with a violent background. Yes, you do have a right to bear arms, but you don't have a right to fill somebody full of holes because you think they came to rob you. If you want the gun for honest reasons, then you should have no problem going throught he legal channels to get one. You have to go through legal channels to get a drivers license, a high school diploma, or a marriage license, so why not a gun. Besides, the spirit of gun control laws is to keep guns out of the hands of criminals. Last time I checked, the gang-member who shot and killed the kid who was playing basketball with his friends in the hood did NOT give a shit about getting a license. You can ask him politely if he's got one, though.
5. Would you ever donate to a charity? (Be honest.) I donate my time and energy every week to charity, I don't have extra cash to donate, so I try and do things to help those in need.

Keep Your Eye On The Ball

Normally, I wouldn't link to a piece of video of a guy Playing with his balls, but this guy is amazing. Check it out.

Phobias

1. If you have a phobia (or something close to one), what is it? Retarded people.
2. How long have you had the phobia (or something close to it)? Since I was a kid and my mom let me run around in Schwegmann's Grocery Store, and there was a retarded guy who worked there, and it scared the shit out of me. Since then, I freak out.
3. If you know anyone with a phobia (or something close to it), how does s/he act when s/he is experiencing it? Nah, if you have one, tell me.
4. What is one phobia you would wish not to have? Umm anything... thats a stupid question.
5. What is one phobia you wouldn't mind having, if you were to face one? Umm I guess fear of vomiting? Vomitphobia? Another stupid question.

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1. Think back to weddings you have attended (other than your own): what was the nicest part of the one you liked the most? Kathy and Davids. I got to wear a tux, I got to drink, the food was good New Orleans food, the music was good, it was a lot of fun. Its the standard by which all other weddings should be judged.
2. What is your favorite color and which room of your home has the most of this color in it? Black & White. My living room has a lot of black and white in it.
3. What is your favorite kind of popcorn:
A) Unsalted Yuk! Hell no. Why bother?
B) Buttered Rarely.
C) Extra Butter Aw hell yeah! The more the better!
D) Kettle Corn My new most favoritist flavor!
E) Caramel Corn Very good, but not different than other popcorn.
4. Take a little time (!!) for a quick inventory of the clocks in your home: how many do you have and what is the widest difference between any two of them? Just a few seconds. The last time we set the clocks back in October, I set them all with my watch, which is calibrated daily from the Naval Observatory in Fort Collins, Colorado. So blow me!

5. When was the last time you used a real rotary dial telephone to place a call? Jeeez, maybe in the mid-80s? We got cordless phones at my house fairly early. I remember that we had one before anyone else I knew. It was a badass invention!
6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #34 from Shannon: What is your favorite sport and why? Absolutely none.

Its a BK Christmas!

This is sad. Ding! Fries are done!

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what decade does your personality live in?


quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

Journalizzle

What is "Journalizzle?" Its what Snoop Dogg would call a cross between journalism and sizzle. Last night I watched as workers pretended to rescue
Fred Powers from a trench. To the people at home, it was pure eye candy. They saw him strapped to a basket, then get pulled out. He wasn't "buried alive" like we promised over and over during the day. The piece was a follow up to a story about a guy who really was buried alive in a trench collapse. Now can you imagine whats going through that poor bastard's mind as he's watching this shit on TV? This BUFFOON is doing a re-enactment of the horrible accident that put him in the hospital. Is this news? NO. Is it journalism? No. Does it give the viewer any more insight into what happened at the trench collapse? Maybe. Now back in the control room, there was a producer and executive producer YELLING at Fred in his earpiece to put more dirt on himself because it didn't look like he was buried. The OSHA guy on the scene wouldn't let the workers actually bury him. Well it was supposed to be four minutes of riveting TV, but it was 3 minutes of painful, mind-numbing idiocy. I'm sure people at home got some comedic value out of it, but I was just embarrased for our station.
It brings to mind the line between getting ratings and informing the public. When I write a story my first thought is, "how will this affect Aunt Edna?" Aunt Edna is the average person at home. She doesn't care about the latest budget battle, she just cares that her garbage gets picked up. She doesn't care about a gas leak on the other side of town, she just cares that her ride home is going to be an hour longer. Too often the news is judged not by what people want to see, but what news managers/producers/news directors want to see on their air. Does Aunt Edna care that a certain station was the only station that talked to some chick who saw a hooker get busted? Nope, but I bet that you'll see the "EXCLUSIVE" bug plastered all over it. So whats behind this hairy mole on the ass of Journalism? Its a number of things. Increased choices among tv stations. If you don't like the news on one station, there are at least 8 other news outlets where you can get your news. Its also because peoples lives are so much more fast-paced than in years past. They don't have time to sit and watch a 5 minute piece on Middle Eastern Peace Talks. Give it to me in 20 seconds or I'm gonna flip over to Judge Judy. And in general, TV viewers have a shorter span of attention. One casualty of that is the TV theme song.
So what is the answer? Pickier viewers. Go for the steak, not the sizzle. Will that happen? Hell No. Thats why reality TV is so big. You get what you think is reality, in small, safe, morsels. I think I need to get out of this business... simply because I've given up on Aunt Edna. I'm ready to strap her to the roof of my family truckster and drive her off a cliff.

The Year Of The Blog

They're saying 2004 is the year of the blog. Its apparently the most popular word of the year according to Merriam-Webster. I've been doing this since 1999 as a "blog" (I've had web pages since 1996). I guess the rest of the world is seeing how easy it is to be a publisher. Since the election was this year, more people had things to say. And if you've looked around at the blogs out there, everyone's got an opinion. Including me. I think its great that you can publish your opinion with a few clicks of the mouse, and have it all nicely formatted and pleasing to the eye. So keep it up! Speak yo Mind! Hit Comments! Now!

Speaking of speaking your mind, this woman says porn is like Cocoa Puffs. Are you coo-coo for cocoa puffs?

Make Love Not Spam

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Weird Wednesday

1. Why does Santa bring presents? He brings presents so parents will have a reason to buy stuff. Santa himself brings the gifts because the FedEx guy doesn't have all his teeth.
2. Why isn't rooves the plural of roof? Its a contractual deal with the Roofers Union. Don't mess with the union.
3. Why do too many cooks spoil the broth? Would too many accountants also spoil the broth? And if so, how many accountants is too many? Too many cooks spoil the broth because they all want to put shit in it. Accountants would also spoil the broth because they would be too concerned with the numbers and the recipe. It doesn't allow for flair, which is why too many cooks spoil the broth, they'll put too much flair in it. As for how many accountants are too many... well its the exact same number of buttons on a TGI Friday's uniform.

4. In American football, why does the center have to snap the ball to the quarterback? Why doesn't the quarterback just start with the ball? Again, talk to the union. If the center didn't have his hands on the balls, what would they do?

5. Compare and contrast the food turkey with the country Turkey. Turkey the food contains Tryptofan, and people in Turkey trip on fans. Turkey the food is browned before being served, Turkey the country is served by Brown, aka U.P.S. Turkey the food makes good sandwiches the day after, people in Turkey make good sandwiches.