My Pimp Name Sucks.

Your Pimp Name Is...

Pimptastico Bling

What's Your Pimp Name?

Innovations

"CNN recently ranked the top 25 innovations of the past quarter century. What would your top seven innovations be? Do you agree with their top seven, or would you have a different take? Remember, we're talking about innovations of the past twenty-five years ago."

1. Pay At The Pump Gas stations - Anything that prevents me from having to deal with Habib behind the counter and wait in line behind Willie The Wino is wonderful in my opinion.
   


2. Cottonelle Asswipes - Its like a cool drink of water for your sphincter. A dingleberry's worst nightmare. Keeping your backend clean is very important.
   


3. Personal Computers/The Internet - Computers revolutionized the way people get things done, and changed the way businesses ran. Then along came the internet, and revolutionized the way people communicated.
   


4. Cell Phones - Not for the way most people use them, walking down the street talking too loud, but for the technological aspect of it. The cell phone industry infrastructure is continually changing, and due to consumer demand, businesses are keeping up. Four years ago, having a camera phone was a little novelty, now you can take video, and send it to another person in a few key strokes. While that probably doesn't have a lot of practical use beyond playing around, the fact that you can do it at all, amazes me. Its an example of business following what consumers want, and competition bringing it to them at a price set by consumers. Not to mention the fact that if you're being chased by bad guys or break down in a spooky forest with Scooby and the gang, you can call for help, without walking a mile to Cooter's Garage to trade a joint for him fixing your tire.
   


5. ATMs & Debit Cards - Not having to stand in line at the bank or sitting in the drive-through lane is great. You can now pretty much do everything via the machine or even on the internet.
   


6. MTV & MP3 - They both took the music industry and tossed it on its ear. Before MTV, the only time you saw what singers looked like was on the album cover or a rare TV appearance or that poster in your bedroom. Its not just about what you sound like now.. .its what you look like. MTV gave artists another way to reach the audience: visually. That's also what MP3's did, except the way they reach listeners is via the internet. I think the full effect of digital music on the industry has yet to be determined. I think the dynamics are still in flux. MP3s essentially made record companies obsolete. A guy in his basement with a computer, some talent and a net connection could put out a song at virtually no cost, and get it to the fans faster and more efficient than a record company. Who needs to get a deal, record an album, press it, then distribute it? Just record it and promote it, and you're set. As for the copyright issue, that will always be there, I think eventually, the legal downloading will bring the labels enough money that they won't be as worried about file trading. Much like in the 80s when guys used to trade mix tapes.
   


7. Digital Cameras - An entire photoshop in your hand. No more buying film, no more getting it developed. You get a good camera and printer, and within seconds, your photo is in your hand. All for less than $300.
   

The Music Memoirs

Name at least 2 songs with days of the week in the title
Manic Monday (The Bangles) and Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting (Elton John)
Name at least 2 songs about the weekend
Workin' For The Weekend (Loverboy) and Saturday In The Park (Chicago)
Name at least 2 songs with months of the year in the title
Sometimes It Snows In April (Prince) and September Rain (Guns & Roses)

C'mon Gimme something difficult! When will I be able to use my mundane music knowledge for good instead of evil? When, Lord, When? When's gon' be my turn?

George W. Bush Does Lennon

Great Pretenders

Great Pretenders: "If you could freeze the time for less than an hour, since you’d be the only living thing that’s “alive” in that moment:
1. What would you do?
Find the nearest womens locker room. Then I'd steal a shitload of cash from a bank, then go back to the locker room for a while, then I'd put news anchor's hands in funny positions so when they come back on the air, they're smacking the weather guy's ass or something.
2. Why would you do that?
Because I'm demented.
3. Why you wouldn’t be able to do it if everything were normal and the time weren’t frozen?
Because hot lesbians usually don't invite me into their locker rooms, and bank robbery is illegal, and the anchors only slap weather guys asses off the air.

What about you? Hit comments and release your inner Bruce Almighty.

Elvis Crossed Jabba For The Last Time

The Music Memoirs

Name your three favorite songs from the 90's.These are random songs I liked in the 90s:
1) BBD-"Poison." It was da shit when it came out. Every brutha rockin' a high-top fade doing the running man would be singin' this tune.
2) Jesus Jones "Right Here Right Now." It was popular when I was graduating high school. I thought it was cool because it was about things happening in the world at that moment, and I was feeling the same way. The fall of Communism, the 1st Gulf War, Seinfeld.
3+)Jane's Addiction - "Been Caught Stealing", REM - "Losing My Religion" and RHCP - "Under The Bridge." and of course, "Smells like teen spirit." They all remind me of starting college. They played those damn songs over and over in the dorm. At least the white kids did.
Name your three favorite artists from the 90's. Prince of course, Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg, and umm Rico Suave. If they were any good in the 90s, they'd still be around in this century.
Name your three favorite albums released in the 90's. "The Chronic," Snoop Dogg's first album, and ummm that's about it. I discovered MP3s in 1995, so that ended my CD buying, unless it was something really good.

Name...
1. Two types of music you dislike most?Country & Opera
2. Two types of food you dislike most? High-Fiber foods, and umm that's about it.
3. Two types of TV programming you dislike most (reality, sitcoms, dramas, etc.) ? I can't stand reality TV, and any most news talk shows on Fox News Channel.
4. Two celebrities you dislike most? Only 2? Bill O'Reilly and Oprah. Celine Dion comes in at a close third.

5. Two conversation topics you dislike most (politics, family, employment, etc.) ? Politics, definately. Because you're either a brainwashed follower, or a radical hippie. There's never a way to end the conversation unless one of you changes point of view to the other's. Either that or you're just preaching to the choir. And most people who talk about politics think they know everything, and they're usually full of shit. It makes those of us who do know everything look bad.

Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a Champagne Supernova.

Hit comments and release your inner Katie Couric. I even took that spam blocker thing off for you.

Prince In Atlanta 3/16/06

The Next thang fo yo Escalade...

Those spinning rims are so 2002! You need a digital display on your rims. Forget the spinners: pimp rims go high-tech. I think they're incredibly tacky, but damn if they aren't neat to look at.

Maybe if a company was to provide me with the rims, I'd advertise their wares. How cool would it be to have your rims sport a digital viagra logo or an ad for the new Vince Vaughn movie, "I'm a 38 Year Old man child, but I'll change my ways for this hot piece of ass." Co-starring one of the Wilson brothers and at least one cast member from Anchorman. But I digress...

I think as long as people keep making their cars look like Mardi Gras floats, someone will create something tacky to put on it. What happened to the days when you could just slap some rims on a mini truck and put some of those double-windshield-wipers and some AutoZone stickers on the side and call it pimped?

On all those "Pimp My Ride" shows, not once have you seen them put the most practical innovation in a car: a toilet. How cool would it be to hit a button on the steering wheel, and the bottom of the seat opens up, to reveal a toilet? You could put a toilet paper holder on the center console, and a some Purell to sanitize your hands afterwards. Then when you flush, the poo and pee is converted to fuel, which saves you gas money. Then automatically, your choice of 3 refreshing scents are sprayed into the car: Cherry, New Car, or Vanilla. You could theoretically eat a big breakfast that included some high-fiber cereal, and drive from LA to New York without stopping to refuel or use the bathroom. Just bring along some granola to keep the "fuel flowing."

Why am I the only one to think of these things?

What would be your dream upgrade if your car got pimped? Hit comments and release your inner Xzibit.

Yet another reason to hate Nascar

So this weekend I was supposed to see my first Nascar race. Not that I give two shits about racing, but my Dad got 4 free tickets, I figured what the hell, its free. So my parents come in town, check into the hotel that came along with the tickets (it was a package deal). The night before the race my Dad says, "The last bus leaves here for 8, so be here about 7:30." 7 am rolls around, and my ass is still in bed. I only had like 5 hours of sleep the night before because I had to work 430-Noon. So my Dad's pissed because I'm probably going to miss the bus, and I'm pissed because I want to go back to bed, and I'm getting stressed about an event I don't care about. My Dad had reason to be pissed, it was supposed to be him, me and my brother going together. My brother decided he wasn't going to go the night before, because he had a bad cold, and wasn't going to go sit in the cold rain with 120,000 inbreds watching cars go around and around for 4 hours. So here it is 7:30, I'm hauling ass down 285 to get to the hotel so I can get on the bus with my Dad. I get there with 10 minutes to spare, and I call my dad. He thought I was going to meet him at the speedway, so he was already on the bus... with the tickets. After careful consideration I say enough is enough and tell him to enjoy the race, I'm spending the day with my brother's family and my mom. So my Dad's at the speedway trying to make the best of it. He finds his seat, buys a cap so it won't rain on him, eats an overpriced hamburger and then they cancel the damn race due to rain. He's cold and wet and the only cars he saw were in the parking lot. I felt bad for him, but I was dry, and didn't have to wait in line behind Cletus for hours just to take a piss. Dad hasn't talked to me since. :)

Now share your thoughts on this stupid pastime.

The Music Memoirs

Name your three favourite artists from the 1960's. The Beatles, The Stones, Hendrix.
Name your three favourite albums released in the 1960's. Let It Be, Abbey Road, Rubber Soul
Name your three favourite songs from the 1960's. Gimme Shelter, most Beatles Stuff, The Weight

I'm back from Hiatus. Still getting my shit together. Drop me a line, etc.

Hiatus

I'm on hiatus for a few days, getting my shit together.

Thank God For The FCC...

CollegeHumor Movie: Best of Jimmy Kimmel's Unnecessary Censorship.

Monday Music Mambo

1. What's your favorite movie about music? Purple Rain. What else is there? Spinal Tap is a far 2nd.

2. What's your favorite music concert video? Sign 'O' The Times. In 1987 I bought the video with my first paycheck. :) I still have the video. Its worn the hell out. I now have a semi-bootleg DVD of the movie, which will have to do until Prince gets off his ass and makes a really nice DVD of it.

3. What do you pay more attention to in a song: the music or the lyrics? Oooh, good question. It depends on the music. If its dance pop shit, then neither. If its rap, I listen to the beat and the words, giving neither much credit. I think it should be a 50-50 deal. Some people have great lyrics and shitty music, and vice versa. I like that Elton John realized early on that he wasn't a brilliant lyricist, but that he was a great pianist. I'm sure that's played a huge part in his success. Or maybe it was that Donald Duck outfit.

4. Here's a serious question involving a touchy situation. You've won a backstage pass to meet your favorite band! You go there after the show, very excited to meet everyone. When you arrive, you see some of the band members doing something illegal (drugs, weapons, etc.). After you've greeted the band, had them sign autographs, etc., do you tell anyone what you saw? Or do you keep quiet because you're sure they do this kind of thing all the time and it's no big deal? Tell everyone. While I'm not that naive as to think that bands are role models... I do believe that you should know the people you're looking up to. And if I saw a performer doing coke or meth or something, thats a personal flaw, regardless if he or she is a great musician. That doesn't give you a pass to be a druggie. Would Hendrix, the Sex Pistols, Motley Crue or the Doors been as good as they were without drugs? I don't know, but as a person in real life, you're known by the company you keep. I wouldn't hang out with a drug addict, regardless if he plays a mean guitar.

February Abby Video

Question of the Day

1. Name five famous Georges

1. George Washington
   
2. George W. Bush
   
3. George Clooney
   
4. George Jefferson
   
5. George Jetson

2. How many one-dollar bills do you have in your wallet/purse right now? 3

3. Ever been to Washington, D.C.? How about Washington State? Tell us a little about your trip to either of those places. And if you haven't been to either place, tell me what Washington, D.C. monument, institution or tourist attraction you most want to see if you ever go there. I went to DC when I was a high school senior. It was very interesting. At the time I didn't appreciate it as much as I would if would go now. I was more interested in the fun things and the chicks in the group rather than the educational benefits. Like when A.J. Soprano went to DC and he told Tony all he did was play Playstation 2 in the hotel. :) There are a few things I remember about DC: I had an appointment to meet both a Senator and a Rep from Louisiana. Both were in Louisiana while I was in Washington, so I got a tour of their stupid offices. How exciting. And I remember the Jefferson Memorial because the tour guide/counselor explained that the phrase "Peeping Tom" came from the memorial because the statue looks into the White House bedroom. I also remember the Iwo Jima Memorial, because the tour guide/counselor said there was one extra hand pushing the flag up, and that was to represent the hand of God. And also I went to the Israeli embassy, and knew nothing about Israel, but felt compelled to ask the guy (who may or may not have been someone important, he just had a thick accent) if Israel had nuclear weapons. He looked at me and said, "If we did I wouldn't tell you." L'chayim, asshole. I also went to the Lincoln Memorial, and the tour guide/counselor said there was one word misspelled, and we should try and find it. We never did.

I've never been to Washington State, and have no desire to go there. It probably smells like teen spirit. Eeeew.


1. A song by a Beatle "In My Life"
2. A song featuring piano as the main instrument "Piano Man" Billy Joel duh
3. A song with a woman's name in the title "Michelle" The Beatles
Sont les mots qui vont trés bien ensemble
4. A song with a man's name in the title "Real Slim Shady" Eminem
5. A song about money "Money" by Pink Floyd, "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits
6. A song with weather in the title "Purple Rain" Prince, "Here Comes The Sun" The Beatles, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" BJ Thomas.
7. A song with parentheses in the title. "Something In The Water (Does Not Compute)" Prince
8. A song made by a punk band "God Save The Queen" The Sex Pistols
9. A song with the word "song" in the title "Your Song" Elton John
10. A song you love so much you stop and listen whenever you hear it.
Hmmm... too many. I can't pick just one.

My message to those asswipes who are rioting and murdering because of that cartoon of Muhammed: LIGHTEN UP.

Monday Music Mambo

David Bowie or David Lee Roth? Bowie. David Lee Roth is a so-so singer. He's more of a personality. David Bowie is a music legend with talent beyond just singing and acting goofy.
Hotel Calfornia or Heartbreak Hotel? Hard one... Both are classics. California is like the #1 classic rock radio tune of all time, but Heartbreak is one of the genre's earliest hits. I'd say just because of the complexity and various layers, Hotel California is better. Maybe its the warm smell of colitas talking.
KISS or Love? Kiss. I never heard of a band called "Love." I know Courtney Love, and she's scarier than 4 middle age guys in clown makeup.
Jimi Hendrix or Jimmy Page? Hendrix. though the two are neck-and-neck, I'd say even Page would agree with me. Jimi re-defined playing electric guitar. Very few can come close to him on the guitar. Page is one of them, though.
Faith Hill or Faith No More? Faith No More, simply because they rock, and Faith Hill is a girly country singer.
Safety Dance or The Hustle? Eeew neither.
George Clinton or George Strait? No competition, Clinton. One guy sings about an Atomic Dog, the other sings about a dog under the porch. Besides, you think George Strait would wear a diaper on stage, and name one of his albums, "Hey Man, Smell My Finger."
Elvis Presley or Elvis Costello? Presley, he's the King. Costello is overrated.
Little Richard or Lil' Jon? Lil Jon, cuz I don't think he'd take one up the ass.
Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger? A tie. Both are awesome singers and showmen. Tyler my have a little more vocal skill than Mick, but Mick has the experience of helping define rock over the last four decades.
Keith Richards or Joe Perry? Another tie. Neither is better than the other. Both are skillful and have done some of Rock's most classic anthems. However Keith may have a slight edge because of his age and experience.
Live album or studio album? Its apples and oranges. Both have their merits, and both have their downfalls. I think they're different animals. Studio Albums sound better but Live albums have an energy that you don't get playing in a studio doing multiple takes. On the other hand its those multiple takes that make things sound great. Plus on a live album you can really see someone's skill as a musician. In the studio, you don't know if its studio tricks thats making something sound like it does.
Fender or Gibson? I don't play, so I really can't tell. I think its mostly the player and not the instrument. Hendrix playing a $20 box from Sears would sound better than me playing an original Les Paul. So there ya go.

Chas & Abby

Behold The CW!!!

I'm getting my own network!
I would have picked ChasTV as the name, but "The CW" works just as well. I promise to have reality shows that barely resemble reality... I promise to have black sitcoms that exagerrate stereotypes... I promise to take beautiful 30-somethings and make them pretend like they're teenagers to give real teenagers' self-esteem an abortion kick to the gut. All this plus a third rate newscast made up of stories you don't give a shit about, told by people who don't know shit about them.
Now for a catchy slogan...
"The CW... one letter away from 'The Cow'"
"You'll see double when you watch the CW"
"The CW... no it don't stand for country and western or The Crack Whore."
"Must 'C W' TV"
"The station that plays the 'Mama's Family' Reruns."
"The CW... hating Ryan Seacrest since 2006"
"You're money back if we suck."
"We've merged the WB & UPN.. can you say 'Nice package'?"
"WWJW?..The CW!" (What Would Jesus Watch?)
"Is Fonzie Busy?"

What do you think? Hit Comments and release your inner Van Der Beek.

Speaking of TV... NBC has cancelled one of my favorite shows, The West Wing. It jumped the shark about 2 seasons ago, when the original creators left the show. Oh well, the reruns still rule!

1. Name three songs that have the word "rain" or "water" in the title. To make it harder, I'll do 3 of each.

1. Purple Rain - Prince(how obvious)
2. Mandolin Rain - Bruce Hornsby
3. Rain - The Beatles

1. Waterfalls - TLC
2. Something In The Water (Does Not Compute) - Prince
3. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel

2. Ever been to a concert where it was raining? If not, is there a band or festival that you would want to see even if it meant standing in the rain? Yeah, Kiss & Aerosmith once and Jimmy Buffett. Both times were at the Ampitheatre Formerly Known As Lakewood. I'd stand in the rain for Prince, and thats about it.
3. You're a movie producer, and you need a soundtrack for a weather scene. Pick songs that you think would fit with the following pieces of action:

a) Clouds coming in - Clubbed To Death (Kurayamino Mix) - Rob D. Its dark and ominous, but it moves.
b) Rain starts to fall, wind starts to blow - Metallica - One. The song starts slow and builds to a crescendo, much like a rain storm.
c) Sun finally comes along and makes everything better again - Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles (kinda obvious) Starts out quiet and ends on a happy note, like when the sun comes out.

1. Before I walk out the door, I always check to make sure I have my wallet phone and keys.
2. I can't seem to catch up on my _______. Bills
3. The one surface in my house that always seems to get cluttered fast is _______. Desk
4. If I sleep past _____, I feel that I've slept in too late. Sheeit... you can never sleep too late.
5. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to _______. be satisfied.
6. I hope to have my income taxes done by _______. One day after I get my w2s.
7. This year I'd like to make more time for _______. putting cornrows in Willie the Homeless Wino's nappy hair.