Vacation, all I ever wanted

Hey Teens,
I just got back from vacation. We visited the two families in Florida.
It was nice, 3 days in Jax and 3 days in Orlando is the perfect amount
of time. It was the first paid vacation I had taken since Christmas of
2004 (except for the 2 months I was on severance pay!). Anyway, the 3
grandmas, 4 grandpas, 3 uncles, one aunt and a cousin all doted on Abby.
But its good to be home and back with all yall no-comment-leaving
bitches. So go ahead, hit comments and release your inner Clark
Griswold.

In memory of Whitney & Bobby's Marriage

I'm the modern day John Bender

Grrr.

I hate not being in control. That's why I was a mess recently when I had to deal with getting the car fixed after my little accident. I couldn't just drop it off, get a rental car, then bring it back when the car was ready. Many forces working against me prevented that. Forces beyond my control. The same thing happened yesterday. Abby is allergic to peanuts... so at daycare they have signs posted up all over the room saying just that. So guess what fucking happens yesterday? She ate a peanut butter sandwich. They said she took it from some other kid. I call bullshit. I think they just gave all the kids the same thing without paying attention to the 50 signs around the room saying not to. Why they even have peanut butter in a facility with at least 2 kids with severe allergies is beyond me. So after she threw up and got severe hives, she was eventually OK. The thing that bugs me is that even if it WAS an accident shouldn't they have been watching closer to see what my kid was doing on a day when ENTIRE class had something that could potentially kill her? The whole thing angers me to no end... not to mention my distrust of these people. We only have to deal with them another week. On top of that, It drives me crazy that I'm not in control of the situation beyond just taking her out of there. I could go to the school and start hitting people with a shovel and disembowling them, but that won't solve anything. It all drives me crazy. I wake up every day now wondering whose going to kick me in the nuts today. I have to say those idiotic bitches at daycare got in a good one yesterday. How about today? anyone anyone? no? no? ok.

---

Star Wars or Star Trek? Definately Star Wars, but I do love Star Trek. I consider them apples and oranges. Never shall the two intermingle. It would be just wrong.
Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? Hmmm. neither. Both movie series relied on special effects to make up for a long drawn-out boring story. I know tons of people like them, but I just didn't see what the big deal was... beyond being just special effects movies.
Internet Explorer or Firefox? Firefox without a doubt. I have to use IE at work, and it drives me crazy. Plus the fact that it's forced on me if I want to use Windows really ticks me off. FF is safer and faster, plus I like the ease of using it. Like the tabs, the themes, the pop-up blockers, etc. You can do most of that stuff on IE, but you have to download and install 50 additional programs. Just put it all in there in the first place.. . like firefox. Plus ff rarely crashes, unlike IE.
iPod shuffle or iPod Nano? I've never used either of these. I would have to say, just by what I know about them that the Nano is better because the shuffle is pretty much just shuffling your songs and doesn't give you any choice in the matter.
Camera phone or mp3 phone? Neither. They're both gimmicks. Buy an MP3 player or a Digital Camera. phones on cameras have notoriously shitty picture quality. And if you're going to listen to mp3s on your phone you're running down your battery for no good reason. I would rather have a good quality phone that just sends and receives calls than dick with that other shit. I don't mind phones with PDAs included, since the two actually go together.
Dilbert or Jon from "Garfield"? Again, neither. Dilbert isn't really funny and Garfield is funny if you're 8.
Mac or PC? PC without a doubt. Macs have their place, just not in front of me. They're too expensive to begin with and expensive to upgrade, etc. If I can't crack open the case and start moving shit around, I don't want to mess with it. Much like laptops. I don't have one because I can't open it up and rebuild it myself.

More Media Mania!

Hi Teens!
Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Every second I'm not informing the world about the salsa-flavored hurricane thats going to kill us all... or the guy from sprockets that killed Jonbenet... I'm at home spending time with the family... and that ain't much between the two gigs.

Anyways...



Guess what crazy freak-looking mainstream media... YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED!
Stevie Wonder could see that this was a pedophile who just wanted to inject himself into the story. Hope he enjoyed the free first class ride back from the world's premier pervert destination, Thailand, after all, our tax dollars paid for it. But the bigger picture is... why did the media rush to judgement on this guy? From Jump Street, every news channel slapped the big graphic on the screen that said, "SOLVED?" What happened to due process? Had he confessed to killing a poor black girl, would we have gone through all this?
Meanwhile, CNN's Kyra Phillips is going to have one shitty Thanksgiving:


In addition, I am disgusted by the "Katrina... One year later" coverage. I see dozens of stories on how people are still screwed, but nothing on whats being done for them. I saw this poor bastard on CNN yesterday who made headlines because he wife died in front of him... and he was a mental wreck. All the while Kyra "Control Freak" Phillips pushed for more soundbites. No questions about whether he's getting mental help or counseling... just "tell us how it felt when Katrina ate your wife."

A big LIGHTEN UP to the people in Lexington, Kentucky. Yes it is horrible that a plane crashed killing 49 people... but to complain because Conan O'Brien's Emmy Awards opening had a plane crash in it on the day of the crash... that's ridiculous. Do you really think NBC did that on purpose? Or that the thought crossed their minds to take it out? Think about it: If you're the producer of a major network awards show... on the day of the show... are you sitting around watching the news wondering who you're going to offend? It was a sad coincidence... take it as that. He also spoofed that Internet Predator Dateline show... but you don't hear the advocates hollering about that. Why? Because they know its a joke. Now watch it and enjoy it, dammit.



Some good things happened today... The bank took back a $35 NSF fee for me going $1.66 over... and John Pruitt complemented my writing... and I may have cookies waiting for me at home. These days I'm looking for the little drops in the bucket.

What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner John Mark Karr.

Isn't She Lovely?

This was a video I made when Abby was like 6 months old. She has changed so much since then.

Musical Youth

1. Do you use email much?
Aw hell yeah. It's part of my job, and I use it to keep in touch with family and friends. I wouldn't talk to anyone if I didn't have email.
2. When did you start using email? 1992... It was Prodigy.

3. How many email addresses do you have? I can think of 7 off the top of my head.

4. If you could send an email to your favorite actor or musician, who would it be and what would you say to them?
TO: mel@gibson.com
FROM: chas@chaswelch.com
RE: F'ing Jews
Dude, chill out. You can be an anti-semitic wino, just keep quiet about it. You're starting to look like a nut. Well, an even bigger nut than one that made $600-million on a Jesus flick in a dead language. By the way, how is "Lethal Weapon VI: Operation Auchwitz" coming along?
Love
Chas

1. What's your favorite album cover from your collection? Sign 'O' The Times

It looks like an accident, but it's so visually interesting you can't look away. Also, The Stones have had some great album covers. Sticky Fingers with a real zipper... Satanic Majesties with a 3d picture... Tattoo You with a weird looking lady... and there was another one that looked like 1960s ads for wigs.

2. What album cover makes you wonder what the designer and/or band was thinking? Prince's Lovesexy. He's naked...and the record company made him airbrush his leg in front of his pecker, so it looks awkward, and just downright disturbing.


3. Do you own the White Album by The Beatles or the Black Album by Metallica? I own the white album by the Beatles, no to the Metallica one. Prince also has a black album with just the catalog number on the cover. Spinal Tap has an all black album called "Smell The Glove." See the movie for an explanation.

My favorite female musician is _Sheryl Crow.
My favorite guitarist is _Eric Clapton/Eddie Van Halen (tie)_.
My musical guilty pleasure is _hehehe I download shitty pop tunes_.
My favorite Beatle is _John_.

Now, let's see how good your musical knowledge is. Fill in THESE blanks.

"Stand By Me" by _Ben E._ King.
"8__-5__9" by Tommy _867-5309 by Tommy Tutone_.
"The Girl's Got ________" by AC/DC.
"What's So Funny 'Bout (Peace, _Love_ and Understanding_)" by Elvis Costello.
"One ______ At A Time" by Johnny Cash.
"Save A _Horse_, Ride A _Cowboy_" by Big and Rich.

I missed two! I see myself as the master of all things musical and trivial. OH well. How many did you know? Hit Comments and release your inner Tommy Tutone.

In My Daughter's Eyes

Video of Abby Lane. Shot over the first 6 months of 2006

It's always something

You ever feel like no matter what you do... something always stands in your way. Life ain't never easy. Case in point, I'm trying to crawl my way out of debt and make a better life for my family, so I work two jobs. I'm trying to do the right thing and not just be a bum shuffling debt, so I'm putting my nose to the grindstone to get it done. I'm tired all day long and I miss my family. I haven't spent any time with them in a week. I'm getting one day off this entire month. But I press on... Nothing good comes without sacrifice and hard work.

So on the way to start my third 12-hour day in a row... I rear ended this girl. The damage wasn't bad, but for the next who-know-how-many-days I'll be dealing with the car. Insurance companies, repair estimates, rental cars, deductables... This will be my life for the foreseeable future. Now the money I'm busting my ass to earn will be poured into fixing the car.

Now I know what you're saying... It's all your fault, Lunchbox... Stop yer bitchin. Nobody forced you to work 2 jobs, nobody forced your foot to mash down on the gas pedal, or get into debt. I admit that's true. But can't a brutha catch a break? I sit here at work informing the world of the latest hijinx by an anti-semitic mad max and an incontinent communist leader, listening to everyone else talk about taking weekend vacations. I'm in need of a vacation and my ride just got crashed up. I feel like singing a refrain from a little ditty by my man MC Rappin' T. "I caught some hell... Livin on this day."

My Girl

My biggest challenge today was getting Abby's pigtails to be even. I'd make a horrible hair dresser!

May The Force Be With Yall!

This is the funniest damn thing I've seen in a while!

One can wish...

Rock's top 10 wussiest acts

Blender magazine ranked the top 10 wussiest rock acts.  I have to agree with them.  I’m surprised Michael Bolton isn’t on the list, and where are all those American Idol fags?  Maybe collectively they should rank as number one. They royally suck ass.  And Michael Jackson… has his wussiness transcended this feeble attempt at listing the wussiest music acts? 

 

10. Hilary Duff - I didn’t even know Hilary Duff did music.

9. Chris Martin – He’s so depressed, wah.  Lighten up, bitch.

8. Babyface – the name alone is gay enough.

7. Rascal Flatts – Maybe if they sang about their dog dying and their truck breaking down.

6. Kenny G – No explanation needed.

5. Peter Cetera –  eew.

4. Boyz II Men – the wussiest guys that could probably kick your ass. 

3. Dan Folgelberg – brought wussiness to a new level in the 80s.

2. Nick Lachey – Gayer than gay.  Needs an ass kicking. However, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one of his songs.

1. James Taylor – invented wuss rock.

 

What about you?  Who do you think holds the microphone with a limp wrist?  Hit comments and release your inner Simon Cowell.

The sexy side of Star Wars

Who knew such a thing existed? Well it don't. Unless you count the semi-incestuous kiss between Luke and Princess Leia erotic. I was 4 when Star Wars came out, I thought it was gross. Something I think is not gross is Natalie Portman naked. Yes, our Princess Amidala is going to bare it all in a movie soon. Wait... hear that? Thats the sound of nerds everywhere sporting stiffies. OK, me too. The original intergalactic temptress was, of course, Princess Leia in her metal bikini in Return of the Jedi. That set many a young man's heart aflutter. OK, me too. Now after 23 years, those metal cups-o-love are still tend to uplift the spirits of nerds everywhere. Ok, me too.

What about you? Who do you think is the hottest sci-fi character? Click comments and release your inner Chewbacca.

Tea Vee

1. What are your favorite TV shows? If you can, also tell us the one show you absolutely HATE to miss. I spend my life in front of either a computer monitor or TV, so thinking of these is hard because there are so many. Off the top of my head, favorites include: The Simpsons, King Of The Hill, Scrubs, The Office, My Name Is Earl, West Wing, and the list goes on, but the one show that I watch religiously and I have never missed is The Sopranos.

2. Who handles the remote control in your household? Me Me Me

3. How many remote controls are there in your house? Not counting your childrens' appliances. I can think of 10 off the top of my head.

4. Do you flip through the channels mindlessly, or do you stick with one or two channels? I usually find 2 shows and flip back and forth... but the journey to find those shows usually takes one or two trips up and down the dial.

5. Adam Sandler's latest movie is "Click," about a guy who discovers a remote control that works on life. If you could have such a device, how would you put it to use? I would just use the rewind and pause. I don't want to fast forward... I'm already too impatient and with my 4th grade span-of-attention, in no time flat I'd wind up as a 90-year-old man sitting on the beach with my hot younger girlfriend waiting for her to give me a sponge bath. And I would fast forward to next week's lottery drawing and get the numbers, then rewind and buy a ticket.

Sports suck.

There is nothing I care less about than World Cup Soccer, yet its everywhere.  What the hell?  Maybe it’s because I work with people from other countries.  I know I have an arrogant Ameri-centric view of the world, but I just don’t give a shit about this crap.   At least no one tries to start conversations with me assuming I give a shit.  I get that about football all the time. “Did you see the game yesterday?” asks my sports fan friends.  I reply, “I watched a video of this woman who shoots Jack Daniels out of her private parts yesterday… Is that what you’re talking about?”  That usually says more than, “No, and I really don’t care.”

Musical Firsts:

First CD/Album Purchased: It was an album... I predate CDs. Back in 1982... I think it was Queens Greatest Hits then Ozzy's Diary Of A Madman.
I got the Queen album because I had heard most of the songs on the radio a lot and I liked 'Under Pressure,' and my uncle played bass in a a band at the time, and they played it. Then came 'Diary Of A Madman,' and that was it for me. I was a 9 year old metalhead.

First Concert: My parents took me to a Willie Nelson concert when I was 7 but I don't remember much about it... The first real concert I went to was Men At Work. It was right when they were about to hit it big. They played on a riverboat. My cool uncle (the one who had a band) took me to go see them. He promised that we would meet the lead singer with the googly eyes, but he couldn't get backstage (even though were were on a boat and the band couldn't leave until we did).

First Over 21 Show: I was 21 in 1994, and by that time I had been to quite a few concerts.

First Musical Obsession: Ozzy at age 9, then Prince at age 11. I still like Ozzy, but Prince is still my favorte at age 33.

First Musical Crush: Olivia Newton-John. I was like 8 and we had 'Grease' on beta, and I watched it over and over. What kid wouldn't want the slutty Sandy? Tell me about it, stud.

First Musical/Musical Movie: I always like music-related movies because I was such a music fan at an early age. The previously-mentioned Grease was an early favorite. Then of course there was Purple Rain.

First Stereo: I had a hand-me down stereo from my parents when I was like 7 or 8, then when I was 10, I got a cool all-in-one record-player, cassette deck and radio. It was badass.

First Portable Device/Player: I got a cassette walkman when I was 11, then when I was 12 I had the first Sony portable CD player. It took 6 C batteries that lasted the duration of 2 CDs. Now you can get a $30 portable that runs on AA batteries for hours and hours.

First Musical Format Owned (i.e. LP, Cassette, 8 Track, CD) I first had a little phonograph that played 45s, then I got the hand-me-down stereo that played LPs, then the all-in-one monster. I never had an 8-track, but my parents had one in the car.

First 45/CD Single Purchased: My first 2 45's were when I was 4 years old. They were "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," by Elton John & KiKi Dee and "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell. I then got YMCA by the Village People, and it wasn't until 10 years later that I realized what the hell they were talking about. It turns out its not about the place where I took swimming and art lessons!





We're putting together a band, but the band members are going to be historical figures!
The lead singer must be a former U.S. President Bill Clinton. He's probably the only living ex-prez that could pull groupies. Even though I hear Gerald Ford is hung like a horse, he doesn't rock like Clinton.
The lead guitar player must be a famous author Jackie Collins, she'd probably have some wild stories to tell. And I don't know too many other authors.
The bass player must be a scientist Dr. Alfred Nobel.. cuz he's the bomb. Get it?
The drummer must be a famous criminal. Because, drummers are . . well, you know how they are. O.J. Simpson. He and Clinton would probably party like it's 1979.
If you want to add a rhythm guitar player or keyboard player too, choose a retired and/or dead baseball player. Babe Ruth, just because all I know about him is that he was an overweight drunk but still managed to be a star. Kinda like me. except i'm not a drunk... and I'm not a star... and I don't play sports... but I enjoy the candy bar named after him.

What would I call the band? The Infamous Fallopian Tubesteaks.

...til the end of time

Media Hijinx

"Hijinx" is a funny word, as is "Hooliganism."

Anyway, today's is apparently "World Refugee Day." I feel for the millions of people who have been driven from their homeland due to the horrible conditions. But what I find insulting is that the only reason I know today is "World Refugee Day" is because Angelina Jolie is doing an interview with Anderson Cooper on the subject. I applaud her efforts to bring awareness, but I deplore the idea that it takes the star of "Tomb Raider 2" to bring it to light. What did they do before she came along? It's the media's fascination with celebrities whose hearts may be in the right place, but they take themselves too seriously.
The other sad media note today is about Dan Rather. Danny was the face of CBS news for years. He served at the network for 44 years. The guy makes one mistake, or rather, takes the fall for one mistake, and he's tossed out on his ear like yesterday's trash. I think it signals the official end of the network evening news dominance. Who needs to wait until 6:30pm to get a wrap up of the nation's news. Just turn on one of the many cable networks (I have a few suggestions ; ) to get in-depth analysis 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Dan is now reportedly headed to HDNet, a high-def network headed up by billionaire Mark Cuban. This may sound funny, but I equate Dan's exit from network news to Howard Stern's exit from terrestrial radio. Both men were titans in their field, basically re-writing the books on how its done. They inspired a new generation to do what they do. Both got a raw deal, and headed into uncharted territory for a new phase in their careers. Satellite radio is in its infancy, much like High-Defintion television. I wish the best for Danny. Godspeed, Danny Boy, Godspeed.

So ya had a bad day...

I'm having one of those days where I keep singing that stupid song. One of those days where people shoot spears at you from every direction. One of those days where nobody gives a shit about you or what you need, just what you should've done. If I drank I would get drunk. The only good thing is that its friday, and my day is officially half way over.