Figure Skating?

Will Ferrell is gonna do a movie about figure skating with Napoleon Dynamite. It looks to be the typical Ferrell fare, but still funny as hell. I'm sure Chazz Michael Michaels will be honored alongside such larger than life luminaries as Ron Burgundy and Ricky Bobby. It made my day to hear that Willie would be playing a character named Chazz. Too bad he spelled it wrong!

Holy Shit

Ketchup

Hi Teens,
It's been a while since I posted something meaningful (or never, according to some of you!). I've been sentenced to the vampire hours at work, so during the daylight hours I'm in zombie mode. It's taking a toll on me physically and mentally, but it could be worse. I could be working the vampire shift as a spunkmopper at the adult movie theatre. Notice the 're' at the end? I'd only mop spunk at a classy joint.

Anyways, Bring the pain:
• Yesterday I completed 34 revolutions around the sun. They always ask, "Do you feel older?" and for the first time ever, I said yes. I have gray hairs, everything hurts, I worry about bills and retirement, I worry about my kid's future, and a bunch of other stuff I don't even want to get into. It seems like just yesterday I took off of work for a week to hang out at Prince's house for a week. Now I keep thinking of the lyrics to that old Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide."


• Britney's New Hairdo. Who gives a shit. I feel kinda sorry for her. We all have our meltdowns, but we have the privilege of having them in private. On the same token, she knew the price of celebrity. My main objection is to the intense coverage of it. Who gives 2 shits that she's bald. It'll grow back. "Has she hit rock bottom?" Maybe she has, now what does it say about we (i.e. the media) who choose to publicize it to death? I'm sure the 24 year old mother of two in Peoria who isn't a pop star who shaved her head in the middle of a tattoo parlor wouldn't get a second look. I'm guilty of it too... I watched the video of her shaving her head over and over... and I looked at the pictures of her giving the paparazzi a gynecological view of herself numerous times as well. But then again, I'm a scumbag, obviously with a lot of company.


• Anna Nicole Smith passes. I feel sorry for her as well. This woman had the best and worst luck all at once. But I totally understand how losing a child could take your soul. The woman was an idiot and surrounded herself with wolves in sheep's clothing. If the people around her had any respect for her, they wouldn't turn her death into a media circus. But of course that's like asking a leopard to take off his spots. My only hope is that her little baby lives the rest of her life in anonymity and normality. I hope she's not the Lindsey Hilton of the next generation. That would turn this tragedy into something much worse.


• Crazy Diaper Astronaut. I got no sympathy for this crazy bitch. You're smart enough and have the drive to make it into space... yet you still got psycho hose beast sitting on the mental launch pad ready to blast off as soon as Johnny Spaceman gives you a glance. I hope this woman joins the Pop Culture Hall of Shame alongside Lorena Bobbitt, Amy Fisher, and OJ Simpson. People like that have no concern for the outcome of their actions. The families of all those involved are forever tarnished, countless hours of needless bullshit must be undertaken by police and NASA, etc.


• Sirius and XM Merge. Wow, I never thought it would actually happen. Hopefully it will mean more people are drawn to the medium. I've been a Sirius fan since Howard started there, and I'll never go back to regular radio. After listening to all that great music, interesting people, and infinite choices of music, I don't think I could go back to the crap that passes for local radio. Why would you listen to "Boomer and the Diz " on the local morning zoo when there are 100+ other choices waiting for you. Its the best $13 you can spend if you have a craptacular commute like I do.
  

What do you think? Hit 'comments' and release your inner Howard K. Stern. Anwayz, that's it for now. The Welchs are on vacation this week.

All Along The Best Of U

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Bare-foot servants too
Outside in the cold distance
A wild cat did growl
Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
I will choose
I swear I’ll never give in
Yes, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool

Super Bowl XLI Final Score: 31-21

I have a very very faint interest in football. In fact I just found out tonight that my hometown team, the Saints are like one win away from going to the Super Bowl. And now Prince is going to be the halftime show? I'm actually looking forward to the big game! Let's get ready to rumble! Oh wait that's boxing.

Another football note: The Florida Gators won because of one thing... their good luck charm:

What are your thoughts, sports fans? Hit comments and release your inner Marv Albert.

Interview With A Vampire

Its day 4 of my new gig on the overnights. I think I may have tried all the tricks to get used to this unnatural schedule. None of it works. I guess I just have to deal with it. Coffee makes me sick, it's too cold in here to keep drinking Cokes, sleeping during the day doesn't work well for me... so I'm just stuck. It ain't so bad, I got internet, tv, and a heater at my feet, plus I get paid well for being here.

It just occurred to me that this is my first post of 2007. I think back to my old BBS back in 1994, and realized here I am doing the same shit on the computer. Just on a much faster one, with more people seeing it and better graphics.

2006 was a great year for me, my little girl got older and discovered many new things... 3 media outlets were vying for my talent services and paid well to get them... all that with no major bummers for the year. Anywayz, here's to a wonderful 2007.

Anyone have any hopes for 2007 or resolutions? Hit comments and release your inner Dick Clark.

Season's Eatings!

Since the holidays are upon us, I thought I'd show everyone the origin of my favorite holiday treat.


What's YOUR favorite Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice treat? Hit comments and release your inner Pete Schwety.

Tis the season...

We're a good ten days off from Christmas, but it seems to me everyone is
knee-deep in it.
I'm looking forward to a quiet Yuletide at home. I'm spending a few
days with the Florida family for my brother's wedding, then after that,
its quiet time.
In years past I've felt compelled to go to my family's homes for
holidays, but with my own family and home, I'm ready for them to start
coming to me.
This year, it feels good to be able to have money to buy everyone gifts,
rather than being broke as a joke. Though I'm still a joke.
The Dad from Raymond, Peter Boyle, died. I liked him as an actor. He
brought to TV those immortal words, "Holy Crap."
What do you think? Hit 'Comments' and release your inner Frank Baronne.

Film @ 11

November is sweeps month in TV land. That's why you don't see any reruns, and newscasts are chock full of sexy stories to make you tune in... So they can charge more for commercials that will usually prompt you to change the channel. It's a vicious cycle, but somebody's making money from it, so they stick to it. Anyway, I found this list of sweeps stories from a stations in California.

"Would you let a registered sex offender into your house? You might without even knowing it!" (Channel 3, KCRA) Are they going to show us the secret handshake to identify them?

"I'm Pallas Hup. This summer I went to prison. No, I wasn't convicted. I was on assignment. Behind the Barbed Wire!" (Channel 13, KOVR) I bet he's going to say that jail is bad. Maybe they'll show him getting raped in the shower. Pixelated of course.

"Cruise Crime! Your safety on the high seas may be highly compromised!"
(Channel 3)
PIRATES! ARRR!!

"What online predators can do to your kids. Tonight at 11!" (Channel 3) I think people are well aware of what predators can do to kids, but thanks for giving rookie pedophiles some ideas!

"Your doctor could be battling a drug or alcohol problem. ... But don't expect anyone to warn you." (Channel 13) Why would I? Is the report going to give me a list of doctors on the pipe?

"Any station can bring you a story about crime. But only KCRA's Crime Tracker can keep you from being a victim." (Channel 3) Are they going to stand outside my car and make sure no one steals the radio? Maybe they should be with the reporter in jail to make sure he doesn't get shanked in the yard.

"The crime scene! The clues! The invasion! Dave Bender tracks killer storms!" (Channel 13) I've suspected those storms all along!

"In five days, we're breaking into one of these homes -- live! Will it be yours?" (Channel 13) Not if you don't want a lawsuit.

"Born again virginity: Why are these 20-somethings giving up sex?"
(Channel 3)
They're ugly.

"A weather pattern that makes you feel sick!" (Channel 13) Ask anyone with sinus problems and allergies... All of them make you sick.

"Never pay taxes again! All you have to do is become your own religion!"
(Channel 13)
OK this one I want to see.

"Your most private information posted on the Internet, all because you ordered a pizza?" (Channel 13) In their defense, it was a very good pizza.

"Uses and potential abuses of nanotechnology." (News10- KXTV's Cristina
Mendonsa)
We are Borg. Resistance is futile.

Men's body image, featuring a bunch of six-pack abs. (Channel 3's Adrienne Bankert) Yeah, thanks for the help.

"Salvation Navy": A reporter poses as a fake charity worker outside Ikea. (Channel 13's Tony Lopez) Been done 50 times in every market. How is giving to a fake charity any different than giving money to the bum on side of the road who needs a dollar to "get back on his feet."

The bottom line, local news stations are up against a wall. Get ratings to sell more ads so the news budget can grow so you can do better reports that will get better ratings to sell even more ads so the news budget can grow even larger and so on... All this while the budget is being cut back and the staff is being cut back and there's another
station that's trying to do the same thing and take your viewers. The
end result is that the viewer gets screwed because the real journalism is left to newspapers and cable outlets which has more time, and money, to delve deeper into topics. How deep can you get when you're looking for mold at the local Moe's Burritos?

Thanksgiving

What up yo.
It's been a long time since I've posted, I know. I have been busy.
So much has happened in the world just begging for me to make a smartass
remark about. But first lemme say Happy Thanksgiving. I have plenty
for which to be thankful. Much more than I deserve. I have my family,
which makes life worth living. I have a great job that I love. How
many people walk into work smiling and walk out of work smiling? Very
few. So I hope everyone eats lots of turkey and enjoys the things that
make them happy.

Now on to the torture...
Michael Richards. *sigh* What the hell were you thinking? Whether or
not you're a racist, Kramer, I don't know, and I don't care. Even if
you are a card-carrying member of the klan... You should know better
than to yell that shit in public. You've been in the business of show
for nearly 20 years, you know you can't do that shit! But it just goes
to show that someone who is seemingly benign in the public eye can be
thrust into infamy by one bad move. Somewhere I picture Kramer, Mel
Gibson, and Mark Foley sitting in a bar bemoaning the media and our
culture of trying people in the media and of course cell phones that
receive text messages and take video.

More later, work calls.

Abby, Warhol Style

This is what happens when I'm on vacation and bored... or rather putting off stuff I have to do! I was fiddling with photoshop and came up with this.

Friday Musings

Its Friday... 2:27pm... 3 minutes before I'm off on vacation... At least
from this job.
I accidentally put on my underwear on backwards, so the dick flap is in
the back.
So I figured I should take advantage of it, so I shat with my underwear
up.
In keeping with the theme, I felt I should poo in the urinal.
I didn't mind it that much, but the 4 people waiting in line to use it
were not happy.
The moral of the story is...life is all about new experiences.
Or if you're gonna shit in the urinal, bring toilet paper before you
sit.

I would kill to go to this concert!!!

If something like this were ever possible it would rock beyond belief. Anyway, I thought it was funny. Enjoy the clip.

War! What is it good for?

1. What's your opinion of nuclear war? um I have a bad opinion of it. Nobody likes it.

2. Do you believe a country has the right to possess nuclear weapons? Why/why not? No, not at all. If they have nuclear weapons that means that they consider annihilating the entire planet an option. Don't fool yourself, there will be no isolated nuclear bombings. Once one missile is launched... they all will be launched. And I don't trust countries like North Korea and Iran with that kind of power. Their past behavior proves they don't value human life.
3. What do you think of this whole North Korea testing a nuke thing? Does it make you nervous? Do you care? Why/why not? It doesn't make me nervous right now. I think the nuclear test they say they conducted was a fake. There's no evidence it was a nuclear test... just a big ass bomb that registered on seismographs. I think it was Pyongyang's way of getting Washington's attention. Now watch that patented "cowboy diplomacy" that sent us to a tiny oil producing country in the middle east run and hide behind the so-called "international community." There are two options now for the world... that is the U.S.-controlled U.N.: either change N.Korea's behavior or change the regime. We see how good our regime-changing skills are working in Iraq. Let's see how well it works in a country that's swinging a nuke in our face. The US needs a tough negotiator to go in there and tell Kim Jung Il what to do and make him our bitch. He needs to be wearing Levi's jeans, drinking Coca-Cola, eating Apple Pie and have his lips firmly planted on the US asscheek. Anything else and we're stuck at the point we are now... with some lunatic armed with a nuke and no idea how to use it.

Bonus Question for Comments: Do you think there will be a WWIII or something similiar to it? What do you think will be the outcome? No WW3. The world is past the point of wars like we had in WWII or in the Korean War. Vietnam is the proof of that. Our enemies now are strong because they don't have the thing that keeps most sane people fighting... a fear of death. Plus our enemy has no homefront... no battle lines to be drawn. The new enemies hide in plain sight and kill themselves as they kill others. The wars of yesteryear with guys in foxholes shooting at Charlie are gone. We need to win the modern day wars with idealistic things like: If you don't stop shooting, your family will starve and die while your selfish ass goes to heaven and collect your 74 virgins.

North Korea is another story entirely. I don't think NK will do anything to start a war, since all of its neighbors would side with the US. China feeds and fuels that country, and without trade with other countries the "Dear Leader" will bring his country to its knees. Then all of his citizens will flee the shitty conditions there and fill up the slums of South Korea and China, then Japan, and eventually the U.S. It's a lose-lose situation for Kim, he has one bargaining chip, and that's his reported nuke. What I see happening is that the world will give this little guy a ton of incentives to stop his program, he'll collect them and laugh all the way to the bank, while the rest of the world pats itself on the back for saving us from destruction. Is that the best solution? Of course not, but its what's going to happen. Then in a few years, Kim will die and the next guy will have to test the limits of global diplomacy and we give him more stuff. Checkmate.

Gargle

Hey Teens,
Bunch of shit in the news has me ticked off.
First of all, Florida Congressman Mark Foley. How stupid do you have to be to talk dirty over the internet with a congressional page WHO KNOWS WHO YOU ARE? He should be put in jail for being a dumbass. Now he's entering rehab so he can have an excuse. Why can't he man up and say he likes teenage boys? That rest-stop loving governor of New Jersey did it.
This may be off the radar already, but I like Bill Clinton's heated exchange with Chris Wallace on Fox News. That network is the most biased one-sided piece of Conservative propaganda since Nazi Germany. And for them to stand back after the incident arrogantly saying, "Who? Us?" is insulting to the collective intelligence of this country. Of course that intelligence is called into question when you look at the ratings for Fox News.

Anyway enough of the nastiness, now to the cuteness:

Vacation, all I ever wanted

Hey Teens,
I just got back from vacation. We visited the two families in Florida.
It was nice, 3 days in Jax and 3 days in Orlando is the perfect amount
of time. It was the first paid vacation I had taken since Christmas of
2004 (except for the 2 months I was on severance pay!). Anyway, the 3
grandmas, 4 grandpas, 3 uncles, one aunt and a cousin all doted on Abby.
But its good to be home and back with all yall no-comment-leaving
bitches. So go ahead, hit comments and release your inner Clark
Griswold.

In memory of Whitney & Bobby's Marriage

I'm the modern day John Bender

Grrr.

I hate not being in control. That's why I was a mess recently when I had to deal with getting the car fixed after my little accident. I couldn't just drop it off, get a rental car, then bring it back when the car was ready. Many forces working against me prevented that. Forces beyond my control. The same thing happened yesterday. Abby is allergic to peanuts... so at daycare they have signs posted up all over the room saying just that. So guess what fucking happens yesterday? She ate a peanut butter sandwich. They said she took it from some other kid. I call bullshit. I think they just gave all the kids the same thing without paying attention to the 50 signs around the room saying not to. Why they even have peanut butter in a facility with at least 2 kids with severe allergies is beyond me. So after she threw up and got severe hives, she was eventually OK. The thing that bugs me is that even if it WAS an accident shouldn't they have been watching closer to see what my kid was doing on a day when ENTIRE class had something that could potentially kill her? The whole thing angers me to no end... not to mention my distrust of these people. We only have to deal with them another week. On top of that, It drives me crazy that I'm not in control of the situation beyond just taking her out of there. I could go to the school and start hitting people with a shovel and disembowling them, but that won't solve anything. It all drives me crazy. I wake up every day now wondering whose going to kick me in the nuts today. I have to say those idiotic bitches at daycare got in a good one yesterday. How about today? anyone anyone? no? no? ok.

---

Star Wars or Star Trek? Definately Star Wars, but I do love Star Trek. I consider them apples and oranges. Never shall the two intermingle. It would be just wrong.
Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? Hmmm. neither. Both movie series relied on special effects to make up for a long drawn-out boring story. I know tons of people like them, but I just didn't see what the big deal was... beyond being just special effects movies.
Internet Explorer or Firefox? Firefox without a doubt. I have to use IE at work, and it drives me crazy. Plus the fact that it's forced on me if I want to use Windows really ticks me off. FF is safer and faster, plus I like the ease of using it. Like the tabs, the themes, the pop-up blockers, etc. You can do most of that stuff on IE, but you have to download and install 50 additional programs. Just put it all in there in the first place.. . like firefox. Plus ff rarely crashes, unlike IE.
iPod shuffle or iPod Nano? I've never used either of these. I would have to say, just by what I know about them that the Nano is better because the shuffle is pretty much just shuffling your songs and doesn't give you any choice in the matter.
Camera phone or mp3 phone? Neither. They're both gimmicks. Buy an MP3 player or a Digital Camera. phones on cameras have notoriously shitty picture quality. And if you're going to listen to mp3s on your phone you're running down your battery for no good reason. I would rather have a good quality phone that just sends and receives calls than dick with that other shit. I don't mind phones with PDAs included, since the two actually go together.
Dilbert or Jon from "Garfield"? Again, neither. Dilbert isn't really funny and Garfield is funny if you're 8.
Mac or PC? PC without a doubt. Macs have their place, just not in front of me. They're too expensive to begin with and expensive to upgrade, etc. If I can't crack open the case and start moving shit around, I don't want to mess with it. Much like laptops. I don't have one because I can't open it up and rebuild it myself.

More Media Mania!

Hi Teens!
Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Every second I'm not informing the world about the salsa-flavored hurricane thats going to kill us all... or the guy from sprockets that killed Jonbenet... I'm at home spending time with the family... and that ain't much between the two gigs.

Anyways...



Guess what crazy freak-looking mainstream media... YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED!
Stevie Wonder could see that this was a pedophile who just wanted to inject himself into the story. Hope he enjoyed the free first class ride back from the world's premier pervert destination, Thailand, after all, our tax dollars paid for it. But the bigger picture is... why did the media rush to judgement on this guy? From Jump Street, every news channel slapped the big graphic on the screen that said, "SOLVED?" What happened to due process? Had he confessed to killing a poor black girl, would we have gone through all this?
Meanwhile, CNN's Kyra Phillips is going to have one shitty Thanksgiving:


In addition, I am disgusted by the "Katrina... One year later" coverage. I see dozens of stories on how people are still screwed, but nothing on whats being done for them. I saw this poor bastard on CNN yesterday who made headlines because he wife died in front of him... and he was a mental wreck. All the while Kyra "Control Freak" Phillips pushed for more soundbites. No questions about whether he's getting mental help or counseling... just "tell us how it felt when Katrina ate your wife."

A big LIGHTEN UP to the people in Lexington, Kentucky. Yes it is horrible that a plane crashed killing 49 people... but to complain because Conan O'Brien's Emmy Awards opening had a plane crash in it on the day of the crash... that's ridiculous. Do you really think NBC did that on purpose? Or that the thought crossed their minds to take it out? Think about it: If you're the producer of a major network awards show... on the day of the show... are you sitting around watching the news wondering who you're going to offend? It was a sad coincidence... take it as that. He also spoofed that Internet Predator Dateline show... but you don't hear the advocates hollering about that. Why? Because they know its a joke. Now watch it and enjoy it, dammit.



Some good things happened today... The bank took back a $35 NSF fee for me going $1.66 over... and John Pruitt complemented my writing... and I may have cookies waiting for me at home. These days I'm looking for the little drops in the bucket.

What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner John Mark Karr.