Battle of the Network Pitchmen

In this corner, a hooker-beating douche with a weird eyebrow... put your hands together for Vince!


And in this corner, a brave young man who turned his inability to control the volume of his voice into infomercial gold... let's hear it for the Bearded Bandit, Billy Mays



and the winner is... the American public.

Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.