And so this is Christmas. It was a wonderful 3 day vacation from work. On Christmas Eve, Tina and Abby wrapped gifts, while Alex and I hung out. After the kids were in bed, we proceeded to put together the "some assembly required" toys. I actually just played with Abby's little video game. It had a star wars game. What was I to. Tina arranged the gifts under the tree, and we crashed. 90 minutes later, Abby came in our room saying "Mommy, the rain woke me up, and I saw under the tree.. HE CAME! and gave me all the stuff I wanted!" This was at 2:15am. We convinced her to stay in bed until 6:30. She continued to talk and talk about what she thought she saw. We spent the next day playing with our toys that Santa brought. I got a guitar hero. Tina got a new camera. Abby got a scooter, and Alex got this thing called an "exersaucer," which sounds like something from an infomercial. In the end we had a wonderful time, had a great dinner, and now it's off to 2010. The year of the non-event.
This was Abby's first dance recital. We schlepped two kids across the metro-Atlanta area in the cold and rain to the Griffin Performing Arts center, which has no parking. Which is appropriate, because I don't believe anyone artistic would perform in this hillbilly hamlet. Abby's group was the #18 song. Out of 21. So we had to sit through 17 songs that where mercifully short, and watch other people's kids. They were fine, but I've got the attention span of a gnat, and at that point I had no patience. Don't even get me started on the white trash parents that had screaming kids and bladders the size of chick peas. Anyway, Abby did great, I'm so proud of her, so it was all worth it.
Like any entertainment giant, I'm putting on a ChristmasSpectacular!! I've gathered my favorite clips, etc. for your Holiday enjoyment.
First up, a musical number to get us in the mood. Here's Run DMC with their ode to Chicken and Collard Greens, "Christmas In Hollis."
A bit of trivia about that song, it uses a sample from Clarence Carter's tune about Santa's yearning for some dirty love, "Back door Santa."
Now for the culinary part of our program. Let's check in with NPR's Delicious Dish, and one of my favorite snacks. I'll take a sackful, please!
Hey let's take a moment to talk about family and the holidays. It's a time for being thankful for having family near, and renewing the ties that bind. Then they arrive. Just kidding, but it reminds me of a bit of prose spoken on a December morn by one Clark W. Griswold. Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn The clean, cool chill of the holiday air And an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. And with that I give you... The shitter was full.
Full indeed, full of Christmas cheer!
Who can forget those Christmas mornings as a child, when you'd run to the tree and see what Santa brought you. The night before it was so hard to go to sleep, and you'd have all the possibilities swirling in your head. What will he leave? I remember wondering how the hell Santa Claus got into my house since we didn't have a fireplace. Then nanoseconds later I would see the mound of Star Wars toys tucked gently under the tree. It would be 5am and I knew I had a good 3 hours of playing time without any interruptions from anyone. The weeks leading up to Christmas would consist of me scouring the Sears Catalog, looking at the kaleidoscope of action figures and stuff that Santa would seemingly pick up on his way to my house. Adding to that anticipation, the machine gun delivery of the kids in the Star Wars toy commercials that conveyed a sense of urgency. Oh, they taunted me every Saturday morning.
I had most of those toys, if only I knew where they were now. I could put them in a box in the attic and think about how much they'll be worth in 50 years!
But Christmas is not just about toys, it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus, if you're Christian. If you're Jewish, it's about... Well I dunno. But I know who does. The star of Spanglish and Mr. Deeds, Adam Sandler!
Well that concludes our ChristmasSpectacular!!. I hope in this holiday season, you take a break from the doorbuster values, drunken parties, and shitty claymation TV specials to give thanks for what you have, and honor your fellow man. We leave you with some new Christmas classics, courtesy of the four little boys from South Park. So from my family to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Top 5 musical purchases you regret (or would like to cast aside to the nearest used CD store) Well, since I download 99.9% of my music, I just hit delete. Of the CD's that I've actually paid for, here are the shittiest ones: 1. Ace Of Base - The Sign. I liked those 2 hits before they got big, then I got the CD and it was like an aural enema. It's what drove me to MP3s. 2.Peter Gabriel - So. Sledgehammer and Big Time are great, the rest was pretentious garbage. 3. Arrested Development - the album with Tennessee. The CD had 2 good songs, the rest was crap. 4. De La Soul's 2nd Album - I love love loved their first CD. This one was monumentally bad, unfunky, unclever, unlistenable. 5. Johnny Gill's CD with "Rub you the right way" and "My My My" - I bought it to play when I was gettin' busy with a woman. She wasn't impressed and laughed at my music choice. I bet no broad ever laughed at Johnny Gill.
Surely you have some stinkers in your CD collection. Hit comments and release your inner Donny Osmond.
Ok Ok Ok, I'm sure you've seen a thousand pictures of people dressed up or their kids dressed up. So here's mine. Dorothy and the scarecrow. Dorothy and the Scarecrow
My son is now 17 days old. In his short time on this earth, he has overcome a bruised face, acid reflux, jaundice, constipation and now blood in an uncomfortable place. The German doctor lady tells my wife on that last thing: "It could be nothing, or it could be something serious." Thanks, Frau, now return to the militant wing of the Salvation Army. My insides are infected by frustration, anger and pain, and I can't imagine what its like for an infant to go through this. Despite this, he's a happy baby and a fighter. He'll get through this tough spot and be stronger for it. Until then, my hands are tied, I'm paralyzed. I hate not being able to do anything. There's no one to yell at. No one to blame. I find myself pissed at the world asking, "What's next?"
Saturday, September 05, 2009
What was your favourite show on TV when your were little? When I was like 4 I loved the show "Emergency." It was about firemen, and starred the bar owner from Roadhouse. The other guy's name was Randolph Mantooth, the greatest actor name ever. I wonder if he's related to Wes Mantooth and his mother Dorothy Mantooth, who is a saint, btw. Then Star Wars happened, and that all went out the window. What’s the first CD/LP that you bought? Again, when I was 4, I had a record player, and my first two 45's were "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" and "Rhinestone Cowboy." That should give you an idea of when I was a kid! Who is the most famous person you have ever met? I interviewed Matthew McConaughey. One day I'll upload the video, and hunt down the picture of him, Tina and I. I also interviewed Vanna White (about crocheting!). I had Cybill Shepherd on my show once, she was a pain in the ass. I had Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits on my show, and insulted him by asking him to autograph a bootleg CD. You should see the note he wrote on the CD! I've also briefly met John Travolta, Matt Damon, Kevin James, and Willie Nelson. What’s your most guiltiest of pleasures? Krystals. But I pay for it 3-4 hours later. What’ the worst habit you have or had? All of them, except substance abuse. I don't do drugs, and rarely drink. Describe yourself in three words? What The Fuck?
I like to have all my birds in my nest. When I hit the bed at night, the very least of my worries is where my wife and daughter are. When they're out of town or something, I worry. None of that compares to my worry tonight. Alex, who is all of 42 hours old, is in the NICU at the hospital. I know its for the best, and he's getting good care, but when a mother comes home, so should the baby. Tonight, that's not the case. He's apparently having trouble breathing since he was 4 weeks early, and his little lungs aren't fully developed. Making my heartbreak worse, they told us he'd probably come home today, and even had us bring in the car seat so they could make sure he could breathe OK in it. He's fighting to get well, and there's not a damn thing his father can do but wait and pray. I keep telling myself its much much better that the doctors are in a prevention mode rather than a reaction mode, and I know it'll all turn out OK, but I want my nest complete.
The Welch name will live on. Alexander James was born at 4:31 am, weighing in at a whopping 8 pounds! He was 4 weeks early, but he wanted to come out. He's obviously headstrong like his uncle with the same middle name! Mom and Big Sis are excited, Dad is elated. I can't wait to teach him about Star Wars, Prince, how to build a computer, dick-n-fart jokes, and about how if a gadget is good, but the newer, faster one is better.
[Listen] What music did your family listen to as you were growing up, and did that music end up influencing you in any way? My Dad always had Beatles playing. I still love all their music. We just went and saw Paul McCartney last weekend, so I guess it influence me. [Watch] What is your most quotable movie? And if you want, share a couple quotes from it. Coming To America and the Austin Powers movies. "His mama call him Clay, I'mma call him Clay." "This ain't my first rodeo, Cowboy." "Brooklyn Heights own Mister Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate" "That ain't no woman, it's a man, man." [Read] Think about the last book you read. In what ways were you similar to the writer or narrator? I read Artie Lange's book "Too Fat To Fish." I'm similar to him in many ways. The most obvious: being a fat Italian guy. The book is both hilarious and sad at the same time. Like me as well.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Best concert: Prince, 2002, MPLS. 7 days in a row, at his house, with nothing but hardcore Prince fans in the house, and chilling with my home skillet Bino. He laughed incessantly when I wound up on my ass in the middle of the street in front of Paisley Park. Song you can listen to over and over and not get tired of: Too many to list! Band/artist you never thought you'd like but you do: Jimmy Buffett. He's too country and kinda cheesy, but I enjoy his concerts, and I'm not ashamed to say I only listen to his hits. :) Also, in my old age I don't mind Duran Duran. I hated them with a passion in the 80s, but now I sing with the radio when their tunes come on. Worst movie music soundtrack or score: Full Metal Jacket. Crappy 80s synthesizers over a movie set in the 70s doesn't sound right. A song you wish wouldn't get stuck in your head but always does: "There is always something there to remind me..." and any song that's on a kids show that Abby watches. Why yes, I have hummed the Dora theme song while not watching the show.
Today my daughter hits a milestone. She goes to school. I'm blown away by the whole situation. A mere 4 years ago, Abby was this little thing I could hold with one arm and prepare a bottle with the other. I know it's just Pre-K, but it's at an actual elementary school. Now she has a backpack, a bus number, and a teacher that's addressable by a last name. When did my baby become a little girl? I have no issues with separation, she's been in day care since she was a baby. I have no worries about how she will interact socially with classmates, since she's been in day care and has gone to play dates all her life. I have no worries about how she will do academically. Abby can count to 100, backwards from 10, and to 10 in Spanish... and can read books above her age. Maybe I'm just taken aback by how proud I am of her, and how excited I am to see her take the first step in to a much larger world.
Brandi: Second suitor, if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make? Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee? Brandi: You know, being intimate. Brodie: What? Like fucking?
Fair to partly crazy. Deep down we're all the same. Every single one of us, knows some kind of pain. In the middle of all this crazy, one thing still remains. If you love somebody, you're life won't be in vain. There's always a rainbow at the end of every rain.
We found out today we're having a boy. His name is Alexander James. It has a royal sound to it. So did my first choice for a name (which Tina veoted): Prince Skywalker.
[Listen] See how many songs you can name off the top of your head that have an animal in the title. Easy, just think of The Beatles: Rocky Raccoon, Piggies, I am the Walrus, Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey, Hey Bulldog. Am I forgetting any?
[Watch] What’s the most moving animal-human relationship you can think of that you’ve seen in a movie? I saw some disgusting animal-human relations on the internet, but that's another story altogether. I'd have to say The Lone Ranger and Silver. or maybe that kid and Ole Yeller.
[Read] Who is your favorite animal-based character in a book? The Roach in The Metamorphosis.
In this corner, a hooker-beating douche with a weird eyebrow... put your hands together for Vince!
And in this corner, a brave young man who turned his inability to control the volume of his voice into infomercial gold... let's hear it for the Bearded Bandit, Billy Mays
One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Lana drew a picture in school 2day One that made her mother cry A picture of a woman with a drink in her hand Standing by a child with no eyes Washington reaction based upon revenge Babies blown to kingdom come
Damn the logic Cartoon characters look better when they're on the run Danny dropped the dime on his girlfriend He said he didn't wanna go to jail alone The seed lives in the same mind With the thought that says we all should be stoned And people lookin' for angels in the sky
Whenever they're broken-hearted Love is grown, seeds are sown A fire don't burn unless it's started Did you ever feel that life was like lookin' 4 a penny In a large room with no light? A sophisticated man reduced to company in no-win situations That aren't right Everytime you wake up there's a little motherfucker Talkin' big stuff in your face (Are you happy?) You only get the kind of people that open their mouth just to swap feet Welcome to the rat race Did you ever feel that life was like lookin' for a penny In a large room with no light? A sophisticated man reduced to company in no-win situations That aren't right Oh, if you could just pass your history class Maybe life would be alright Until then you'll be lookin' 4 a penny In a large room with no light
I haven't posted anything in a while. I went on vacation to Orlando. It was nice, but tiring and expensive. Then we came back and it snowed in Atlanta. What the hell is that about? I'm sick of winter. Bring on the Hotlanta I know and am scorched in.
I also discovered facebook, and found I know more people than I had previously thought. I do it at work and on my phone. So if I'm not posting here, I'm over there. And I also like failblog.org and its affilated websites. Good comedy over there. Other than that I haunt the usual suspects, ajc.com, drudge, cnn, etc.
So if I'm not here, by all means, go over there and be my friend.
Am I an idiot for being on a social networking site? Hit comments and release your inner Kenny Loggins.
You are provocative and challenging. You help people realize who they really are. You live a very balanced life. You always take time for love and art. You are both a powerful and generous person. You always have time to give back. People find you to be incredibly ethical and loyal.
I thought I'd be Motley Crue, but the question wasn't "What Hair Metal Band are you?" Oh well. Hey, hit comments and let me know what metal you are, and release your inner Tommy Lee.
1. What social networking sites do you use? (Myspace, Facebook, etc.) None, just this page you're looking at. I think if I was a more sociable person, I'd be on a social networking site. So I'm just making my own social network. Hit comments and say something, and I'll respond. How's that for social? 2. What do you use them for? This site is for nothing more than making you numbskulls laugh, and giving me something to play with for literally minutes a day. :) 3. Do you have any applications on your profile? What's your opinion of them? There's a thingie where you can listen to music, and another thingie where you can watch my youtube videos. They're on the right side of the screen, since I don't have a "profile." 4. What's one thing you would change about social networking sites? More nudity.
I'm going to give you a list of drinks and you give me a song/album/artist that fits that particular drink: Espresso: "It's the end of the world as we know it" since I think you have to be hopped up on caffeine to sing at that speed. Wine:"Spill The Wine" It's on the Boogie Nights soundtrack. The song's pretty cool. Beer:License To Ill. Lots of beer-induced frat-boy rap. They quickly changed their tune. Milk: John Lennon had an album called Milk and Honey Water: "Don't go chasin' Waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to." It was the first water song that came to mind. Tea:Ming Teainsert Austin Powers imitation here Cappuccino:The Godfather Theme. It's Italian like the drink. Margarita: No brainer here, "Margaritaville"
I added some more funk to the mix. If you listening to it and you ain't groovin' in yo seat... something's wrong with yo ass. I changed some stuff around a bit too. What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner Jerome Benton.
"Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."
President Barack Obama Washington, DC 12:30pm, January 20, 2009
I'm feeling in a 70s funk mood today, so I put some tracks in the mix for yall. Where's that mixtape thingie that used to be to the right? Apparently the company's business model of streaming other people's music for free didn't hold up in these tough economic times. So now there's a new jukebox at the bottom of the page. To hear the funk, scroll down, way down. These aren't you average 70s funk tunes you hear on commercials, etc. These are rare tracks teeming with funk. Do you have any additions for the list? What are your funky favorites? Hit comments and release your inner Bootsy Collins.
This morning as I left my house, it was a scorching 18 degrees, by the time I got to work, it was 16. That's just re-gotdam-diculous. I know you northerners say, "Try dealing with cold and snow for months!" To which I reply, "Move." That's why I live in the south, cuz it ain't that cold. Even the one day a year when it does snow, it's not that cold. Oh well, you know what they say about the weather, everyone bitches about it, but no one ever does anything about it. How cold is it where you live? Hit comments and release your inner Jack Frost.
Did yall see the news yesterday about the plane that landed in the Hudson River? That pilot must have balls of steel to not only pull off a water landing but also have the skills to do it without any casualties. They say you should treat every day as a blessing, I hope the people on that plane who are making the tv news show rounds do just that.
And so this is Christmas. It was a wonderful 3 day vacation from work. On Christmas Eve, Tina and Abby wrapped gifts, while Alex and I hung out. After the kids were in bed, we proceeded to put together the "some assembly required" toys. I actually just played with Abby's little video game. It had a star wars game. What was I to. Tina arranged the gifts under the tree, and we crashed. 90 minutes later, Abby came in our room saying "Mommy, the rain woke me up, and I saw under the tree.. HE CAME! and gave me all the stuff I wanted!" This was at 2:15am. We convinced her to stay in bed until 6:30. She continued to talk and talk about what she thought she saw. We spent the next day playing with our toys that Santa brought. I got a guitar hero. Tina got a new camera. Abby got a scooter, and Alex got this thing called an "exersaucer," which sounds like something from an infomercial.
In the end we had a wonderful time, had a great dinner, and now it's off to 2010. The year of the non-event.
Today my daughter hits a milestone. She goes to school. I'm blown away by the whole situation. A mere 4 years ago, Abby was this little thing I could hold with one arm and prepare a bottle with the other. I know it's just Pre-K, but it's at an actual elementary school. Now she has a backpack, a bus number, and a teacher that's addressable by a last name. When did my baby become a little girl?
Brandi: Second suitor, if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
I also discovered facebook, and found I know more people than I had previously thought. I do it at work and on my phone. So if I'm not posting here, I'm over there. 
I'm feeling in a 70s funk mood today, so I put some tracks in the mix for yall. Where's that mixtape thingie that used to be to the right? Apparently the company's business model of streaming other people's music for free didn't hold up in these tough economic times. So now there's a new jukebox at the bottom of the page. To hear the funk, scroll down, way down. These aren't you average 70s funk tunes you hear on commercials, etc. These are rare tracks teeming with funk. 
