M&M'S Chocolate MPire

This is hilarious! Light-Saber wielding M&Ms!
M&M'S Chocolate MPire

Hot Dogs and French Fries

Onesome: Hot Dogs--Spring picnics and cookouts are coming! Is it hot dogs or hamburgers you want to have on your plate as you head back to the table? Hamburgers. I'm not a fan of the lips and assholes. I'm a hardcore carnivore.
Twosome: and-- ...and what else is on that plate that you just cannot be without as you work your way through the crowd? Potato salad? One of those huge pickles? Come on, there has to be something! Beans and chips.
Threesome: French Fries-- ...and the real toughie: do you have to have 'fries with that'? ...or will chips do well enough for you. Just curious... Chips are sufficient, but I'd rather french fries or even onion rings.

These are stupid questions, but I feel lacking in my duties if I didn't post something. Do you have a badass recipe or BBQ tip? Hit comments and release your inner Emeril.

"Game... blouses." 

Cinerama

1. What is your favorite movie of all time? I've thought about this a lot, and I can't nail it down to one movie. I have a favorite movie in any given genre. Comedy, Drama, Mafia, Music, Sci-Fi, etc. And some movies are good as part of a group. e.g. Kevin Smith's movies are great on their own merits, but taken as a whole are much better. So for the purposes of this exercise, I'll pick my favorite mafia flick, Francis Ford Coppola's Masterpiece, The Godfather. The movie has everything, sex, violence, profanity, and abuse of a horse head.
2. How often do you watch this movie? About once a year, and whenever its on TV. I watch it enough to recite the words with it.
3. What's your favorite line out of the whole movie? "Keep your friends close... and your enemies closer."
4. Who's your favorite character from this movie? Most people would say Pacino's character, Michael, or Brando's character, Vito. Those are too obvious. My favorite its Sonny Corleone. He's a hothead, he's ruled by emotion, and acts without thinking things through. Its all about instinct. His ole man tries to tell him never to let people know what he's thinking but he's all about the "Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom, you blow his brains all over your Ivy League suit." He even died cool. A car full of dudes fills his car full of holes, and he still gets out to try and get off a few shots. I think I like Sonny because he's the complete opposite of me. I tend to over-analyze things, and I would never beat a guy with a trash can lid."
5. What scene do you love the most? Again, most people would say when the guy wakes up with the horse head in the bed is their favorite, but I disagree. My favorite scene is when Michael goes to visit his father, who had been shot, in the hospital, and finds there's no one guarding him. He immediately enlists the help of the baker's son to pretend to be a gangster so when the guys come to kill his ole man, they'll know he's being protected. I think it showed Michael's prowess as a cool-headed gangster... and his switch from the WWII vet who comes home and promises to make the Corleone family legit.

How pathetic am I?

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton

You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door With more than a touch of geekiness

Who's Your Famous Blogger Twin?

Sweet Lincoln's mullet!

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.
-- Nicholas Butler

What business or career would you consider if you were starting over? What an ironic question. I'd like to write sitcoms, or a movie. Or maybe just do this for a living. (Spewing my "moronic thoughts.") Or be a porn movie reviewer.
What's more valuable: beauty or brains? First and foremost, most smart women are beautiful. Besides, looks can go, and if you have nothing else, what good are you? Look at that bitch Cybill Shepherd. She was hot as hell in the 80s, then when I run into her, she's a rotten twat. I have a feeling all these chicks like Britney, Lohan, Paris et al will eventually succumb to rampant face lifts or just become old whores... albeit rich old whores, but old tramps nonetheless.

Abby took a picture on Grandpa Charlies Birthday 

Bush Twins Gone Wild

I have a feeling I'm going to end up on VH1's "I Love The 00s." For the second time in 2 months, a national paper has called upon my keen and unique view for an article:
USATODAY.com - TiVo's ripple effect: Water-cooler chill.
And yet I'm still unemployed.

Anywayz, I heard the voicemail tapes of "Insider" host Pat O'Brien. He's in rehab. For some reason, entertainment shows think this is news. Who cares. Mary Hart got a bad case of the shits, but that ain't makin news. Anyway, the tapes are pretty pathetic. He wants this woman and describes in detail what he wants to do to her.

Have you seen this show called "The Shield." Its one of those cop shows that uses the word "shit" just because they can. It got stupid after a while. Its a shame, because the acting and stories are halfway interesting.

That picture of the Bush Twins has nothing to do with anything, but I thought it was funny.

Just messin' around with the new capture card, and the "xenofex" photoshop plug-in. 

Just Shoot Me

1. You know company is coming: do you panic and immediately begin cleaning house or do you sit back and relax because your place is already clean? Clean it up, but the joint don't get too dirty.

2. Which was a bigger surprise for you:
a) Robert Blake was acquitted Yes, this was a surprise. I thought it was so obvious. He may have done the crime, but he ain't gonna do the time.
b) Martha Stewart did jail time I was kinda surprised she did time, I totally expected her high-priced lawyers to get her off. In the end, her fellow inmates got her off.
c) Scott Peterson was sentenced to death Not surprised by this. This arrogant prick deserves to fry. I think if the two weren't good-looking white people, nobody would have heard of this story. I was surprised by the death sentence, but not the guilty plea. I figured he'd get life... more than his pregnant wife and their unborn son got.
d) The Michael Jackson trial began at all I'm not surprised. He's an easy target. Just like in the schoolyard, the queer black kid's gonna get picked on. I wasn't there at neverland when this stuff allegedly went on, but it sure as hell don't surprise me. I don't think he actually molested those kids. I think Michael's sexual growth was stunted at a young age, and therefore his sense of right and wrong is skewed. I'm sure in his mind, he was just being playful and some innocent touching. His world is so out of whack, that's OK.

3. What was in the last package you received in the mail? My sexy lil capture card. I'm a TiVo'ing fool now. No $149 TiVo plus subscription fees for me. It cost me a whole $20!

4. What commercial annoys you the most at the moment? That stupid commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker. I know they didn't make that commercial to appeal to me, a straight man. I'm sure gays and women think she's peachy keen. I think she's annoying, and has a horse-face. The Hootie Burger King commercial used to annoy me, but the song has grown on me, and I find myself humming it all day long. I even fell into Hootie's trap and went to BK to purchase this wonderful Hootieburger. The stupid fucking Marietta BK didn't have them! They were out! Is the marketing power of Hootie that powerful? Is his pimp hand so strong that he can cause a run on tendercrips bacon cheddar ranch sammiches... despite being dressed like a gay Roy Rogers? Apparently so.

If I'm ever in a vegetative state, please put a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Chicken Sandwich in my feeding tube.

5. What charity was the last one to call you to solicit a donation? Did you give them money? Why or why not? It was a scam charity called "Kid's Wish." They apparently thought people would think it was the 'Make-A-Wish" foundation and pull out their credit cards. I asked the woman if they were affiliated, just to see what she'd say, and without missing a beat she says, "We do similar work, helping children." I can usually spot a scam a mile away.

6. What common household product do you hate to run out of the most? Sinus Tablets. I take them so often that I run out. and Quesadilla ingredients.

I have a good idea...

Sometimes the jokes are just TOO easy...

You Are "Wow"!

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

Listen To The Funk Flow

Looking to hear some cool tunes? Now you can listen toThe Chas Chronicles Radio! Its got funk, classic rock and some other stuff. Yahoo throws the songs at me, I take 'em and share them with you. So you shouldn't have to hear some crappy Britney Spears or any other dumb shit. If I had a ton of free bandwidth, I'd stream MP3s, but I don't cuz I'm running this web site for zero dollars (minus the domain name). Try out the radio link, and lemme know what you think. I don't think it works with firefox, so make sure you have IE, which most of you do, unless you're on a shitty mac or something. Hit comments and release your inner Casey Kasem.

More stolen stills from the new Star Wars movie!

We have a mole within the George Lucas camp... who got us yet another still from the new movie, "Revenge Of The Sith"!

This movie is shaping up to be much better than the last two valiant attempts.

...in other words...

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
-- Henry Adams

1. Would you rather: be responsible for an oil tanker crash off the coast of alaska OR cause a rebellion in a developing nation? The oil tanker, fewer people would die. Tough shit for the animals.
2. get locked out of your house while naked OR throw up all over yourself in the middle of an important meeting? Throw up in a meeting, at least that way there's a chance my crappy co-workers would get sick too.
3. wake up to find your feet have grown two sizes OR hair all over your back that grows back every night? My feet, size 12 shoes aren't that weird.
4. eat nothing but cheese for a week OR only chinese food for two months? Chinese food. At least it would be different food.

These are a few of his favorite things!

He believes he can fly!

I'm gonna go friggin nuts

Ok, I read about that pig Rosie O'Donnell commenting on her website about stuff. This poem made me throw up my quesadilla:

michael jackson in his pj's made me cry
why has mario quit american idol?
the shick intuition razor is the best invention
since the tampon multi-pack

A multi-pack? She needs a rolled up army blanket and 17 tree-shaped air freshners.
And on the Mario American Idol thing... I'm sick of hearing about this douche. Who cares? Some idiot quits his only chance of stardom, and its news? People suck.

How much you wanna bet he's spinning Elton John and Michael Bolton CDs?
I'm in a pissy mood.

The Ole College Try

Since college basketballs been on and I've been writing and re-writing my resume, these answers were fresh in my mind.
1) Did you go to college? Yes, University Of Texas - Pan American. I got a BA in Broadcast Journalism.
2) Did you live in a dorm or an apartment? Not when I went to UTPA, but I did when I went to Nicholls State. It was an experience. Everyone should live in the dorms at least for one year of their college career. There was drinking, studying, and umm more drinking. It was cool to just pop your door open and somebody stop by to chat with you for a while. Both schools I went to were small, which was good.
3) Who was your favorite roommate? Bruno, he was like a big brother, and he was a fraternity brother as well.
4) What is your favorite college sport? Partying.
5) Who was your favorite professor and class? All of my journalism and TV classes were great. There were only 2 strictly TV professors. The rest were theater or speech professors who were kind enough to teach us TV flunkies.

While we're on the subject, there are 2, only only 2, good movies about fraternities: Animal House and Revenge Of The Nerds.

There are also two, and only 2, good movies about golf: Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore.

Agree? Disagree? What was your favorite lines from those flicks?
Hit comments and release your inner Belushi.

Stolen Stills From The New Star Wars Movie!!

I usually don't like pre-Star Wars Movie hype, but...

George Lucas is just wrong fuh dat!

Geraldo Visits Where Success Lives

What a weird day. I wake up to news that the guy who killed a judge and two deputies, and managed to elude the largest manhunt in Georgia history, was holding some chick hostage IN MY APARTMENT COMPLEX. Its a weird feeling when you put on Fox News Channel and see Geraldo Rivera doing a report from the front of your shitty subdivision, and then aerials of said complex. What next?

Hiding Under The Covers

News:
1. Michael Jackson: Did he do it? I wasn't there, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he did. I hope he gets thrown in jail and is tossed around like a salad before having to toss the salad. The friggin idiot shows up to court in his pajamas. He seriously needs a Godsmack.
2. Martha: Did she deserve prison? No, but I think its funny as hell that she got thrown in the pokie. Hopefully getting tattooed in the yard will humble her, and not have such a holier than thou attitude. I hope the first time she gets pissed at a production assistant or something, they turn around and say, "...oh I'm sorry, you're the first ex-con I've worked for..."
3. Bill Clinton: Think his wife is going to run for President? No way. Too many people hate her guts. I don't like her at all, and I think she'd be a horrible president. I don't think the country is open-minded enough yet to handle a female president. We MAY be ready soon for a black president, but he'd have to be light-skinned and extremely charismatic. Sen. Barak Obama has a chance, because by the time he gets his props in the senate, the country may have evolved past our racist tendencies. I'm not saying everyone in the country is racist, but there's a significant amount of people who are. They live in those red states (or was it the blue ones, I can't remember... the Bush states, anyway).
4. Madrid anniversary of 3/11: Are you thinking about it? Um no.
5. What's the headline of your local news outlet? The shooting of the judge and the manhunt for the shooter. Its a sad story. Glad I wasn't in the newsroom for that clusterfuck. I'd hate to see how the fuckwad news director is handling things. Probably screaming like a bitch.
Appetizer - Where do you go when you want to relax? To Bed.
Soup - Tell about something that made you laugh this week. Mr. Garrison got a sex change on South Park.
Salad - What is your favorite texture? smooth ass.
Main Course - If you were to publish your autobiography, what would the first sentence be? "What's holding you back?"
Dessert - Do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day? If so, how? Um no. I'm not irish, not that my nationality makes a difference. I'm Italian and I don't celebrate Columbus Day.
FQ1: If you could own any item from any movie, what would you take and why? Hmmm... a light saber... Prince's Motorcycle... Ron Burgundy's Jazz Flute....
FQ2: If you could become any character from any movie, who would it be and why? Dirk Diggler... for obvious reasons.
FQ3: If you could visit any location from any movie, where would it be and why? Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Just cuz its surreal, and there would be candy.

Its back to the 80s!

Play Nintendo and Sega video games online for free!

Blogger can bite my ass

I spent about half an hour typing a badass rant, with pictures and links... then I hit publish, and it says, "You must sign in first..." How the hell did I get to the new post screen if I didn't sign in? I bet its my paranoid firewall program deleting cookies and whatnot. Fuck 'em all. Its a conspiracy to piss me off.

Humbling Moment

Douchebag Prospective Employer At Shitty Temporary Job: "Where did you work before?"
Me: "I worked in TV."
Douchebag: "You worked on TVs?"
Me: "Um, no."

I'm square with Vishnu

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark sports.

How's Your Karma?

I'm a friggin genius

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

---

Hey take a look to the right, please avail yourself of the many useful features just sitting over there. You can write me an email with a just a few clicks... you can send me an instant message if you have AOL instant messenger. You can leave your mark in the guestbook, and take a look at the pictures in the picture flicker. And if you have an atom reader, you can read the site via that with our handy dandy Atom Feed. If you've missed any nuggets of my genius (see the above designation), you can read or re-read them, if you're so inclined. Beneath that is the banner ads, feel free to click them and help a brutha out.

---

As part of my adventures in unemployment, I'm taking a "Career Transition Class." We took the famous "Briggs-Myers" test. And those two bastards hit it right on the head. Here's the dynamic duo's assessment of yours truly:

Quiet, friendly, responsible, and conscientious. Committed and steady in meeting their obligations. Thorough, painstaking, and accurate. Loyal, considerate, notice and remember specifics about people who are important to them, concerned with how others feel. Strive to create an orderly and harmonious environment at work and at home.

Pretty accurate, huh? I think it was kinda spooky that they knew me. Some of the careers those two freaks suggested suck ass. Family Physician is the only decent job they mention, and thats just because it pays pretty well. It says I should be a Fashion merchandiser or a personal counselor. Right. Probation Officer or Inn keeper. Do they still have Inn keepers? Is this the 1800s? And a probation officer? What the hell? I'd just send all the bad guys back to jail. Why isn't porn star or rock star on the list? Can I pay off those dudes to put that on the list? Briggs & Myers should get with the guys who told me I was a genius, and that I'm going to invent the future of mankind. Could I do that if I'm an innkeeper? Chas The Revolutionary Inn Keeper? I could find a cure for cancer in between telling people that the "Spank-tra-vision" is on channel 69 in their room, and that if they need clean towels just dial 0.

Friday Feast

Appetizer - Who is the one person you email more often than anyone else? Tina

Soup - So far, which year of your life has been the most enjoyable? My first, all i had to do was eat, sleep and shit.

Salad - Name someone with whom you have lost touch but would like to reunite. Too many to name. Send me an email.

Main Course - What was the tastiest meal you had this past week? Quesadillas made with my new Salton™ Brand Santa Fe Quesadilla Maker. Available at finer department stores everywhere.

Dessert - Using the letters in your favorite color, write three words that describe your personality. Really Extremely Dorky.

Hootie makes me uncomfortable

This commercial is just too weird. How low has Hootie sunk when he's singing bluegrass on a BK commercial. I'm sure they're just trying to be campy and like an Old Navy commercial, but its just creepy. Hootie needs a job more than I do. I'm sure they're trying to do some kinda innuendo with the girls dancing with the buckets of ranch dressing, but its just weird.

What's your take? Hit comments and release your inner Hootie.

The News Of The World Ain't Good.

SAD: The Queen Of England met the Four of the greatest guitarists ever. Her response: "And what do you?"
SAD: Ozzy grabs his daughter's boob. The poor bastard probably didn't even know who he was grabbing.
SAD: Pamela Anderson doesn't want to strip any more.
SAD: Charlie Sheen dumps Denise Richards. What a scumbag. I got two words for him: Wild Things. Rent it, sitcom boy.

Like James Brown says, "Fellas, things done got too far gone."

New Month

Its March first, and while I'm not living in a house with D-List celebrities, it has been a Surreal Life.

During the month of February I've:

• Turned 32
  
• Interviewed 3.5 Celebrities
  
• Got mentioned in a national newspaper
  
• Been Fired
  
• Made at least 3 people cry
  
• Seen a new ultrasound of the baby
  
• Interviewed the first black president, and a civil rights leader
  
• Signed the contract to build my house
  
• Not killed myself or been killed by anyone.
  

Like they say, March comes in like a lion but leaves like a lamb. I hope so. Its gonna be an interesting year.

I'm Lois Lane

Congratulations! You are Susan Mayer, the divorcee
and single mom who will go to extraordinary
lengths for love.
Which Desperate Housewife are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday Twosome

1. Are you craving anything and if so, what? Vicodin injected right into my sinuses. Other than that, Quesadillas, made with my new Salton© Brand Quesadilla maker.
2. What is the weather outside, and do you wish it would change? Its just changed from rainy to sunny, and thats playing hell with my head, so I'll take any kind of weather, just as long as it stays the same.
3. What two websites do you think you will go to next after you are finished here? Fark.com or Drudgereport.com
4. Do you wish you were somewhere else and if so, where? Jenna Jameson's drawz
5. Do you wish you were someone else, and if so, who? Howard Stern

Oscars, etc.

1. Do you like awards shows? If you do, what do you like best about them? If you're not a fan, tell us why. I usually like the music-related ones, just because you see people play music, and musicians know the shows are bogus, and its just an industry's attempt at auto-fellatio. I watched the Oscars this year because I was over by a friends house with some friends and it was a good ending to a really really fucked-up few days.

This year's show was OK. Chris Rock seemed so out of place. It was like the ABC execs were keeping his pets hostage so he wouldn't make trouble. They did keep the show going fast by giving out awards in the audience. There were no of those cheezy song-and-dance number. It would be terrible to see Chris Rock doing a tribute to the Aviator by singing and dancing in an Aviator costume.

2. Which awards show is your favorite? Are there any awards shows you can live without? My favorite is the MTV music awards, just because its not usual top 40 people, and there none of those retarded categories like "Best CD spine art direction by a group or duo - Jazz." I can live without all the awards shows. I agree with Chris Rock... not only is it ridiculous for an industry to tell itself how great it is... but its also ridiculous to give an award on something as subjective as art.

3. Do you tune into the red carpet specials before the awards shows? Sometimes, if there's nothing else on. I can't take Joan and Melissa, and it'll be a cold day in hell before I watch 2 seconds of that pig Star Jones.

~ BONUS ~ Have you ever been to an awards show or to the red carpet? Is there one that you'd like to attend? Or would you be more interested in the after-show parties with the star I've never been to an awards show, but the Atlanta Grammy Chapter gives away awards for lifetime achievement, and I've been to that once. I saw James Brown and Bo Diddley sitting at the same table cracking jokes.. then I turned around and bump into TLC (the two not-dead members), then I made smalltalk at the bar with Nelson Eddy (the guy who made the Peter Gunn theme). It was cool. I'd love to go to the MTV Music Awards. Prince threw a Grammy afterparty last month, I'd give my left nut to show up there.