Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Season's Eatings!

Since the holidays are upon us, I thought I'd show everyone the origin of my favorite holiday treat.


What's YOUR favorite Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice treat? Hit comments and release your inner Pete Schwety.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Tis the season...

We're a good ten days off from Christmas, but it seems to me everyone is
knee-deep in it.
I'm looking forward to a quiet Yuletide at home. I'm spending a few
days with the Florida family for my brother's wedding, then after that,
its quiet time.
In years past I've felt compelled to go to my family's homes for
holidays, but with my own family and home, I'm ready for them to start
coming to me.
This year, it feels good to be able to have money to buy everyone gifts,
rather than being broke as a joke. Though I'm still a joke.
The Dad from Raymond, Peter Boyle, died. I liked him as an actor. He
brought to TV those immortal words, "Holy Crap."
What do you think? Hit 'Comments' and release your inner Frank Baronne.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Film @ 11

November is sweeps month in TV land. That's why you don't see any reruns, and newscasts are chock full of sexy stories to make you tune in... So they can charge more for commercials that will usually prompt you to change the channel. It's a vicious cycle, but somebody's making money from it, so they stick to it. Anyway, I found this list of sweeps stories from a stations in California.

"Would you let a registered sex offender into your house? You might without even knowing it!" (Channel 3, KCRA) Are they going to show us the secret handshake to identify them?

"I'm Pallas Hup. This summer I went to prison. No, I wasn't convicted. I was on assignment. Behind the Barbed Wire!" (Channel 13, KOVR) I bet he's going to say that jail is bad. Maybe they'll show him getting raped in the shower. Pixelated of course.

"Cruise Crime! Your safety on the high seas may be highly compromised!"
(Channel 3)
PIRATES! ARRR!!

"What online predators can do to your kids. Tonight at 11!" (Channel 3) I think people are well aware of what predators can do to kids, but thanks for giving rookie pedophiles some ideas!

"Your doctor could be battling a drug or alcohol problem. ... But don't expect anyone to warn you." (Channel 13) Why would I? Is the report going to give me a list of doctors on the pipe?

"Any station can bring you a story about crime. But only KCRA's Crime Tracker can keep you from being a victim." (Channel 3) Are they going to stand outside my car and make sure no one steals the radio? Maybe they should be with the reporter in jail to make sure he doesn't get shanked in the yard.

"The crime scene! The clues! The invasion! Dave Bender tracks killer storms!" (Channel 13) I've suspected those storms all along!

"In five days, we're breaking into one of these homes -- live! Will it be yours?" (Channel 13) Not if you don't want a lawsuit.

"Born again virginity: Why are these 20-somethings giving up sex?"
(Channel 3)
They're ugly.

"A weather pattern that makes you feel sick!" (Channel 13) Ask anyone with sinus problems and allergies... All of them make you sick.

"Never pay taxes again! All you have to do is become your own religion!"
(Channel 13)
OK this one I want to see.

"Your most private information posted on the Internet, all because you ordered a pizza?" (Channel 13) In their defense, it was a very good pizza.

"Uses and potential abuses of nanotechnology." (News10- KXTV's Cristina
Mendonsa)
We are Borg. Resistance is futile.

Men's body image, featuring a bunch of six-pack abs. (Channel 3's Adrienne Bankert) Yeah, thanks for the help.

"Salvation Navy": A reporter poses as a fake charity worker outside Ikea. (Channel 13's Tony Lopez) Been done 50 times in every market. How is giving to a fake charity any different than giving money to the bum on side of the road who needs a dollar to "get back on his feet."

The bottom line, local news stations are up against a wall. Get ratings to sell more ads so the news budget can grow so you can do better reports that will get better ratings to sell even more ads so the news budget can grow even larger and so on... All this while the budget is being cut back and the staff is being cut back and there's another
station that's trying to do the same thing and take your viewers. The
end result is that the viewer gets screwed because the real journalism is left to newspapers and cable outlets which has more time, and money, to delve deeper into topics. How deep can you get when you're looking for mold at the local Moe's Burritos?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving

What up yo.
It's been a long time since I've posted, I know. I have been busy.
So much has happened in the world just begging for me to make a smartass
remark about. But first lemme say Happy Thanksgiving. I have plenty
for which to be thankful. Much more than I deserve. I have my family,
which makes life worth living. I have a great job that I love. How
many people walk into work smiling and walk out of work smiling? Very
few. So I hope everyone eats lots of turkey and enjoys the things that
make them happy.

Now on to the torture...
Michael Richards. *sigh* What the hell were you thinking? Whether or
not you're a racist, Kramer, I don't know, and I don't care. Even if
you are a card-carrying member of the klan... You should know better
than to yell that shit in public. You've been in the business of show
for nearly 20 years, you know you can't do that shit! But it just goes
to show that someone who is seemingly benign in the public eye can be
thrust into infamy by one bad move. Somewhere I picture Kramer, Mel
Gibson, and Mark Foley sitting in a bar bemoaning the media and our
culture of trying people in the media and of course cell phones that
receive text messages and take video.

More later, work calls.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Abby, Warhol Style

Warhol
This is what happens when I'm on vacation and bored... or rather putting off stuff I have to do! I was fiddling with photoshop and came up with this.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Friday Musings

Its Friday... 2:27pm... 3 minutes before I'm off on vacation... At least
from this job.
I accidentally put on my underwear on backwards, so the dick flap is in
the back.
So I figured I should take advantage of it, so I shat with my underwear
up.
In keeping with the theme, I felt I should poo in the urinal.
I didn't mind it that much, but the 4 people waiting in line to use it
were not happy.
The moral of the story is...life is all about new experiences.
Or if you're gonna shit in the urinal, bring toilet paper before you
sit.

Friday, October 13, 2006

I would kill to go to this concert!!!


If something like this were ever possible it would rock beyond belief. Anyway, I thought it was funny. Enjoy the clip.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

War! What is it good for?

1. What's your opinion of nuclear war? um I have a bad opinion of it. Nobody likes it.

2. Do you believe a country has the right to possess nuclear weapons? Why/why not?
No, not at all. If they have nuclear weapons that means that they consider annihilating the entire planet an option. Don't fool yourself, there will be no isolated nuclear bombings. Once one missile is launched... they all will be launched. And I don't trust countries like North Korea and Iran with that kind of power. Their past behavior proves they don't value human life.
3. What do you think of this whole North Korea testing a nuke thing? Does it make you nervous? Do you care? Why/why not? It doesn't make me nervous right now. I think the nuclear test they say they conducted was a fake. There's no evidence it was a nuclear test... just a big ass bomb that registered on seismographs. I think it was Pyongyang's way of getting Washington's attention. Now watch that patented "cowboy diplomacy" that sent us to a tiny oil producing country in the middle east run and hide behind the so-called "international community." There are two options now for the world... that is the U.S.-controlled U.N.: either change N.Korea's behavior or change the regime. We see how good our regime-changing skills are working in Iraq. Let's see how well it works in a country that's swinging a nuke in our face. The US needs a tough negotiator to go in there and tell Kim Jung Il what to do and make him our bitch. He needs to be wearing Levi's jeans, drinking Coca-Cola, eating Apple Pie and have his lips firmly planted on the US asscheek. Anything else and we're stuck at the point we are now... with some lunatic armed with a nuke and no idea how to use it.

Bonus Question for Comments: Do you think there will be a WWIII or something similiar to it? What do you think will be the outcome?
No WW3. The world is past the point of wars like we had in WWII or in the Korean War. Vietnam is the proof of that. Our enemies now are strong because they don't have the thing that keeps most sane people fighting... a fear of death. Plus our enemy has no homefront... no battle lines to be drawn. The new enemies hide in plain sight and kill themselves as they kill others. The wars of yesteryear with guys in foxholes shooting at Charlie are gone. We need to win the modern day wars with idealistic things like: If you don't stop shooting, your family will starve and die while your selfish ass goes to heaven and collect your 74 virgins.

North Korea is another story entirely. I don't think NK will do anything to start a war, since all of its neighbors would side with the US. China feeds and fuels that country, and without trade with other countries the "Dear Leader" will bring his country to its knees. Then all of his citizens will flee the shitty conditions there and fill up the slums of South Korea and China, then Japan, and eventually the U.S. It's a lose-lose situation for Kim, he has one bargaining chip, and that's his reported nuke. What I see happening is that the world will give this little guy a ton of incentives to stop his program, he'll collect them and laugh all the way to the bank, while the rest of the world pats itself on the back for saving us from destruction. Is that the best solution? Of course not, but its what's going to happen. Then in a few years, Kim will die and the next guy will have to test the limits of global diplomacy and we give him more stuff. Checkmate.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Gargle

Hey Teens,
Bunch of shit in the news has me ticked off.
First of all, Florida Congressman Mark Foley. How stupid do you have to be to talk dirty over the internet with a congressional page WHO KNOWS WHO YOU ARE? He should be put in jail for being a dumbass. Now he's entering rehab so he can have an excuse. Why can't he man up and say he likes teenage boys? That rest-stop loving governor of New Jersey did it.
This may be off the radar already, but I like Bill Clinton's heated exchange with Chris Wallace on Fox News. That network is the most biased one-sided piece of Conservative propaganda since Nazi Germany. And for them to stand back after the incident arrogantly saying, "Who? Us?" is insulting to the collective intelligence of this country. Of course that intelligence is called into question when you look at the ratings for Fox News.

Anyway enough of the nastiness, now to the cuteness:

Monday, September 25, 2006

Vacation, all I ever wanted

Hey Teens,
I just got back from vacation. We visited the two families in Florida.
It was nice, 3 days in Jax and 3 days in Orlando is the perfect amount
of time. It was the first paid vacation I had taken since Christmas of
2004 (except for the 2 months I was on severance pay!). Anyway, the 3
grandmas, 4 grandpas, 3 uncles, one aunt and a cousin all doted on Abby.
But its good to be home and back with all yall no-comment-leaving
bitches. So go ahead, hit comments and release your inner Clark
Griswold.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Grrr.

I hate not being in control. That's why I was a mess recently when I had to deal with getting the car fixed after my little accident. I couldn't just drop it off, get a rental car, then bring it back when the car was ready. Many forces working against me prevented that. Forces beyond my control. The same thing happened yesterday. Abby is allergic to peanuts... so at daycare they have signs posted up all over the room saying just that. So guess what fucking happens yesterday? She ate a peanut butter sandwich. They said she took it from some other kid. I call bullshit. I think they just gave all the kids the same thing without paying attention to the 50 signs around the room saying not to. Why they even have peanut butter in a facility with at least 2 kids with severe allergies is beyond me. So after she threw up and got severe hives, she was eventually OK. The thing that bugs me is that even if it WAS an accident shouldn't they have been watching closer to see what my kid was doing on a day when ENTIRE class had something that could potentially kill her? The whole thing angers me to no end... not to mention my distrust of these people. We only have to deal with them another week. On top of that, It drives me crazy that I'm not in control of the situation beyond just taking her out of there. I could go to the school and start hitting people with a shovel and disembowling them, but that won't solve anything. It all drives me crazy. I wake up every day now wondering whose going to kick me in the nuts today. I have to say those idiotic bitches at daycare got in a good one yesterday. How about today? anyone anyone? no? no? ok.


Star Wars or Star Trek? Definately Star Wars, but I do love Star Trek. I consider them apples and oranges. Never shall the two intermingle. It would be just wrong.
Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? Hmmm. neither. Both movie series relied on special effects to make up for a long drawn-out boring story. I know tons of people like them, but I just didn't see what the big deal was... beyond being just special effects movies.
Internet Explorer or Firefox? Firefox without a doubt. I have to use IE at work, and it drives me crazy. Plus the fact that it's forced on me if I want to use Windows really ticks me off. FF is safer and faster, plus I like the ease of using it. Like the tabs, the themes, the pop-up blockers, etc. You can do most of that stuff on IE, but you have to download and install 50 additional programs. Just put it all in there in the first place.. . like firefox. Plus ff rarely crashes, unlike IE.
iPod shuffle or iPod Nano? I've never used either of these. I would have to say, just by what I know about them that the Nano is better because the shuffle is pretty much just shuffling your songs and doesn't give you any choice in the matter.
Camera phone or mp3 phone? Neither. They're both gimmicks. Buy an MP3 player or a Digital Camera. phones on cameras have notoriously shitty picture quality. And if you're going to listen to mp3s on your phone you're running down your battery for no good reason. I would rather have a good quality phone that just sends and receives calls than dick with that other shit. I don't mind phones with PDAs included, since the two actually go together.
Dilbert or Jon from "Garfield"? Again, neither. Dilbert isn't really funny and Garfield is funny if you're 8.
Mac or PC? PC without a doubt. Macs have their place, just not in front of me. They're too expensive to begin with and expensive to upgrade, etc. If I can't crack open the case and start moving shit around, I don't want to mess with it. Much like laptops. I don't have one because I can't open it up and rebuild it myself.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

More Media Mania!

Hi Teens!
Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Every second I'm not informing the world about the salsa-flavored hurricane thats going to kill us all... or the guy from sprockets that killed Jonbenet... I'm at home spending time with the family... and that ain't much between the two gigs.


Anyways...



Guess what crazy freak-looking mainstream media... YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED!
Stevie Wonder could see that this was a pedophile who just wanted to inject himself into the story. Hope he enjoyed the free first class ride back from the world's premier pervert destination, Thailand, after all, our tax dollars paid for it. But the bigger picture is... why did the media rush to judgement on this guy? From Jump Street, every news channel slapped the big graphic on the screen that said, "SOLVED?" What happened to due process? Had he confessed to killing a poor black girl, would we have gone through all this?
Meanwhile, CNN's Kyra Phillips is going to have one shitty Thanksgiving:


In addition, I am disgusted by the "Katrina... One year later" coverage. I see dozens of stories on how people are still screwed, but nothing on whats being done for them. I saw this poor bastard on CNN yesterday who made headlines because he wife died in front of him... and he was a mental wreck. All the while Kyra "Control Freak" Phillips pushed for more soundbites. No questions about whether he's getting mental help or counseling... just "tell us how it felt when Katrina ate your wife."

A big LIGHTEN UP to the people in Lexington, Kentucky. Yes it is horrible that a plane crashed killing 49 people... but to complain because Conan O'Brien's Emmy Awards opening had a plane crash in it on the day of the crash... that's ridiculous. Do you really think NBC did that on purpose? Or that the thought crossed their minds to take it out? Think about it: If you're the producer of a major network awards show... on the day of the show... are you sitting around watching the news wondering who you're going to offend? It was a sad coincidence... take it as that. He also spoofed that Internet Predator Dateline show... but you don't hear the advocates hollering about that. Why? Because they know its a joke. Now watch it and enjoy it, dammit.



Some good things happened today... The bank took back a $35 NSF fee for me going $1.66 over... and John Pruitt complemented my writing... and I may have cookies waiting for me at home. These days I'm looking for the little drops in the bucket.

What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner John Mark Karr.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Isn't She Lovely?


This was a video I made when Abby was like 6 months old. She has changed so much since then.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Musical Youth

1. Do you use email much?
Aw hell yeah. It's part of my job, and I use it to keep in touch with family and friends. I wouldn't talk to anyone if I didn't have email.
2. When did you start using email? 1992... It was Prodigy.

3. How many email addresses do you have? I can think of 7 off the top of my head.

4. If you could send an email to your favorite actor or musician, who would it be and what would you say to them?
TO: mel@gibson.com
FROM: chas@chaswelch.com
RE: F'ing Jews
Dude, chill out. You can be an anti-semitic wino, just keep quiet about it. You're starting to look like a nut. Well, an even bigger nut than one that made $600-million on a Jesus flick in a dead language. By the way, how is "Lethal Weapon VI: Operation Auchwitz" coming along?
Love
Chas

1. What's your favorite album cover from your collection? Sign 'O' The Times

It looks like an accident, but it's so visually interesting you can't look away. Also, The Stones have had some great album covers. Sticky Fingers with a real zipper... Satanic Majesties with a 3d picture... Tattoo You with a weird looking lady... and there was another one that looked like 1960s ads for wigs.

2. What album cover makes you wonder what the designer and/or band was thinking? Prince's Lovesexy. He's naked...and the record company made him airbrush his leg in front of his pecker, so it looks awkward, and just downright disturbing.


3. Do you own the White Album by The Beatles or the Black Album by Metallica?
I own the white album by the Beatles, no to the Metallica one. Prince also has a black album with just the catalog number on the cover. Spinal Tap has an all black album called "Smell The Glove." See the movie for an explanation.

My favorite female musician is _Sheryl Crow.
My favorite guitarist is _Eric Clapton/Eddie Van Halen (tie)_.
My musical guilty pleasure is _hehehe I download shitty pop tunes_.
My favorite Beatle is _John_.

Now, let's see how good your musical knowledge is. Fill in THESE blanks.

"Stand By Me" by _Ben E._ King.
"8__-5__9" by Tommy _867-5309 by Tommy Tutone_.
"The Girl's Got ________" by AC/DC.
"What's So Funny 'Bout (Peace, _Love_ and Understanding_)" by Elvis Costello.
"One ______ At A Time" by Johnny Cash.
"Save A _Horse_, Ride A _Cowboy_" by Big and Rich.

I missed two! I see myself as the master of all things musical and trivial. OH well. How many did you know? Hit Comments and release your inner Tommy Tutone.

Friday, August 04, 2006

In My Daughter's Eyes

Video of Abby Lane. Shot over the first 6 months of 2006

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

It's always something

You ever feel like no matter what you do... something always stands in your way. Life ain't never easy. Case in point, I'm trying to crawl my way out of debt and make a better life for my family, so I work two jobs. I'm trying to do the right thing and not just be a bum shuffling debt, so I'm putting my nose to the grindstone to get it done. I'm tired all day long and I miss my family. I haven't spent any time with them in a week. I'm getting one day off this entire month. But I press on... Nothing good comes without sacrifice and hard work.

So on the way to start my third 12-hour day in a row... I rear ended this girl. The damage wasn't bad, but for the next who-know-how-many-days I'll be dealing with the car. Insurance companies, repair estimates, rental cars, deductables... This will be my life for the foreseeable future. Now the money I'm busting my ass to earn will be poured into fixing the car.

Now I know what you're saying... It's all your fault, Lunchbox... Stop yer bitchin. Nobody forced you to work 2 jobs, nobody forced your foot to mash down on the gas pedal, or get into debt. I admit that's true. But can't a brutha catch a break? I sit here at work informing the world of the latest hijinx by an anti-semitic mad max and an incontinent communist leader, listening to everyone else talk about taking weekend vacations. I'm in need of a vacation and my ride just got crashed up. I feel like singing a refrain from a little ditty by my man MC Rappin' T. "I caught some hell... Livin on this day."

Thursday, July 27, 2006

My Girl


My biggest challenge today was getting Abby's pigtails to be even. I'd make a horrible hair dresser!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

May The Force Be With Yall!


This is the funniest damn thing I've seen in a while!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Rock's top 10 wussiest acts

Blender magazine ranked the top 10 wussiest rock acts.  I have to agree with them.  I’m surprised Michael Bolton isn’t on the list, and where are all those American Idol fags?  Maybe collectively they should rank as number one. They royally suck ass.  And Michael Jackson… has his wussiness transcended this feeble attempt at listing the wussiest music acts? 

 

10. Hilary Duff - I didn’t even know Hilary Duff did music.

9. Chris Martin – He’s so depressed, wah.  Lighten up, bitch.

8. Babyface – the name alone is gay enough.

7. Rascal Flatts – Maybe if they sang about their dog dying and their truck breaking down.

6. Kenny G – No explanation needed.

5. Peter Cetera –  eew.

4. Boyz II Men – the wussiest guys that could probably kick your ass. 

3. Dan Folgelberg – brought wussiness to a new level in the 80s.

2. Nick Lachey – Gayer than gay.  Needs an ass kicking. However, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one of his songs.

1. James Taylor – invented wuss rock.

 

What about you?  Who do you think holds the microphone with a limp wrist?  Hit comments and release your inner Simon Cowell.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The sexy side of Star Wars

Who knew such a thing existed? Well it don't. Unless you count the semi-incestuous kiss between Luke and Princess Leia erotic. I was 4 when Star Wars came out, I thought it was gross. Something I think is not gross is Natalie Portman naked. Yes, our Princess Amidala is going to bare it all in a movie soon. Wait... hear that? Thats the sound of nerds everywhere sporting stiffies. OK, me too. The original intergalactic temptress was, of course, Princess Leia in her metal bikini in Return of the Jedi. That set many a young man's heart aflutter. OK, me too. Now after 23 years, those metal cups-o-love are still tend to uplift the spirits of nerds everywhere. Ok, me too.

What about you? Who do you think is the hottest sci-fi character? Click comments and release your inner Chewbacca.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Tea Vee

1. What are your favorite TV shows? If you can, also tell us the one show you absolutely HATE to miss. I spend my life in front of either a computer monitor or TV, so thinking of these is hard because there are so many. Off the top of my head, favorites include: The Simpsons, King Of The Hill, Scrubs, The Office, My Name Is Earl, West Wing, and the list goes on, but the one show that I watch religiously and I have never missed is The Sopranos.

2. Who handles the remote control in your household? Me Me Me

3. How many remote controls are there in your house? Not counting your childrens' appliances. I can think of 10 off the top of my head.

4. Do you flip through the channels mindlessly, or do you stick with one or two channels? I usually find 2 shows and flip back and forth... but the journey to find those shows usually takes one or two trips up and down the dial.

5. Adam Sandler's latest movie is "Click," about a guy who discovers a remote control that works on life. If you could have such a device, how would you put it to use? I would just use the rewind and pause. I don't want to fast forward... I'm already too impatient and with my 4th grade span-of-attention, in no time flat I'd wind up as a 90-year-old man sitting on the beach with my hot younger girlfriend waiting for her to give me a sponge bath. And I would fast forward to next week's lottery drawing and get the numbers, then rewind and buy a ticket.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Sports suck.

There is nothing I care less about than World Cup Soccer, yet its everywhere.  What the hell?  Maybe it’s because I work with people from other countries.  I know I have an arrogant Ameri-centric view of the world, but I just don’t give a shit about this crap.   At least no one tries to start conversations with me assuming I give a shit.  I get that about football all the time. “Did you see the game yesterday?” asks my sports fan friends.  I reply, “I watched a video of this woman who shoots Jack Daniels out of her private parts yesterday… Is that what you’re talking about?”  That usually says more than, “No, and I really don’t care.”

Monday, June 26, 2006

Musical Firsts:

First CD/Album Purchased: It was an album... I predate CDs. Back in 1982... I think it was Queens Greatest Hits then Ozzy's Diary Of A Madman.
I got the Queen album because I had heard most of the songs on the radio a lot and I liked 'Under Pressure,' and my uncle played bass in a a band at the time, and they played it. Then came 'Diary Of A Madman,' and that was it for me. I was a 9 year old metalhead.

First Concert: My parents took me to a Willie Nelson concert when I was 7 but I don't remember much about it... The first real concert I went to was Men At Work. It was right when they were about to hit it big. They played on a riverboat. My cool uncle (the one who had a band) took me to go see them. He promised that we would meet the lead singer with the googly eyes, but he couldn't get backstage (even though were were on a boat and the band couldn't leave until we did).

First Over 21 Show: I was 21 in 1994, and by that time I had been to quite a few concerts.

First Musical Obsession: Ozzy at age 9, then Prince at age 11. I still like Ozzy, but Prince is still my favorte at age 33.

First Musical Crush: Olivia Newton-John. I was like 8 and we had 'Grease' on beta, and I watched it over and over. What kid wouldn't want the slutty Sandy? Tell me about it, stud.

First Musical/Musical Movie: I always like music-related movies because I was such a music fan at an early age. The previously-mentioned Grease was an early favorite. Then of course there was Purple Rain.

First Stereo: I had a hand-me down stereo from my parents when I was like 7 or 8, then when I was 10, I got a cool all-in-one record-player, cassette deck and radio. It was badass.

First Portable Device/Player: I got a cassette walkman when I was 11, then when I was 12 I had the first Sony portable CD player. It took 6 C batteries that lasted the duration of 2 CDs. Now you can get a $30 portable that runs on AA batteries for hours and hours.

First Musical Format Owned (i.e. LP, Cassette, 8 Track, CD) I first had a little phonograph that played 45s, then I got the hand-me-down stereo that played LPs, then the all-in-one monster. I never had an 8-track, but my parents had one in the car.

First 45/CD Single Purchased: My first 2 45's were when I was 4 years old. They were "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," by Elton John & KiKi Dee and "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell. I then got YMCA by the Village People, and it wasn't until 10 years later that I realized what the hell they were talking about. It turns out its not about the place where I took swimming and art lessons!





We're putting together a band, but the band members are going to be historical figures!
The lead singer must be a former U.S. President Bill Clinton. He's probably the only living ex-prez that could pull groupies. Even though I hear Gerald Ford is hung like a horse, he doesn't rock like Clinton.
The lead guitar player must be a famous author Jackie Collins, she'd probably have some wild stories to tell. And I don't know too many other authors.
The bass player must be a scientist Dr. Alfred Nobel.. cuz he's the bomb. Get it?
The drummer must be a famous criminal. Because, drummers are . . well, you know how they are. O.J. Simpson. He and Clinton would probably party like it's 1979.
If you want to add a rhythm guitar player or keyboard player too, choose a retired and/or dead baseball player. Babe Ruth, just because all I know about him is that he was an overweight drunk but still managed to be a star. Kinda like me. except i'm not a drunk... and I'm not a star... and I don't play sports... but I enjoy the candy bar named after him.

What would I call the band? The Infamous Fallopian Tubesteaks.

...til the end of time

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Media Hijinx

"Hijinx" is a funny word, as is "Hooliganism."

Anyway, today's is apparently "World Refugee Day." I feel for the millions of people who have been driven from their homeland due to the horrible conditions. But what I find insulting is that the only reason I know today is "World Refugee Day" is because Angelina Jolie is doing an interview with Anderson Cooper on the subject. I applaud her efforts to bring awareness, but I deplore the idea that it takes the star of "Tomb Raider 2" to bring it to light. What did they do before she came along? It's the media's fascination with celebrities whose hearts may be in the right place, but they take themselves too seriously.
The other sad media note today is about Dan Rather. Danny was the face of CBS news for years. He served at the network for 44 years. The guy makes one mistake, or rather, takes the fall for one mistake, and he's tossed out on his ear like yesterday's trash. I think it signals the official end of the network evening news dominance. Who needs to wait until 6:30pm to get a wrap up of the nation's news. Just turn on one of the many cable networks (I have a few suggestions ; ) to get in-depth analysis 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Dan is now reportedly headed to HDNet, a high-def network headed up by billionaire Mark Cuban. This may sound funny, but I equate Dan's exit from network news to Howard Stern's exit from terrestrial radio. Both men were titans in their field, basically re-writing the books on how its done. They inspired a new generation to do what they do. Both got a raw deal, and headed into uncharted territory for a new phase in their careers. Satellite radio is in its infancy, much like High-Defintion television. I wish the best for Danny. Godspeed, Danny Boy, Godspeed.

Friday, June 16, 2006

So ya had a bad day...

I'm having one of those days where I keep singing that stupid song. One of those days where people shoot spears at you from every direction. One of those days where nobody gives a shit about you or what you need, just what you should've done. If I drank I would get drunk. The only good thing is that its friday, and my day is officially half way over.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Don't Tell Me What Happened To Vito!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while kids. I've been busy with the new gig
(YAY!) and life in general.

Abby turns one tomorrow. This last year has gone by so fast. It seems
like just yesterday I could hold her with one arm and hold her bottle
with the other. Now she can eat off my plate and has 5 toofs to do it
with! We're having a birthday party at the house this weekend for her.
Yall can come. :)

I hate that at least 2 people have told me what happened on The Sopranos
last night before I could watch it!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Emily, Jacob Still Most Popular Baby Names | ajc.com

Daddy & AbbyAccording to the government, Abigail was the 4th most popular name in 2005... and the 5th most popular in Georgia. The web page says 500 other people copied off of us. Read the entire article: Emily, Jacob Still Most Popular Baby Names | ajc.com

Sunday, April 30, 2006

My Pimp Name Sucks.

Your Pimp Name Is...

Pimptastico Bling

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Innovations

"CNN recently ranked the top 25 innovations of the past quarter century. What would your top seven innovations be? Do you agree with their top seven, or would you have a different take? Remember, we're talking about innovations of the past twenty-five years ago."
  1. Pay At The Pump Gas stations - Anything that prevents me from having to deal with Habib behind the counter and wait in line behind Willie The Wino is wonderful in my opinion.

  2. Cottonelle Asswipes - Its like a cool drink of water for your sphincter. A dingleberry's worst nightmare. Keeping your backend clean is very important.

  3. Personal Computers/The Internet - Computers revolutionized the way people get things done, and changed the way businesses ran. Then along came the internet, and revolutionized the way people communicated.

  4. Cell Phones - Not for the way most people use them, walking down the street talking too loud, but for the technological aspect of it. The cell phone industry infrastructure is continually changing, and due to consumer demand, businesses are keeping up. Four years ago, having a camera phone was a little novelty, now you can take video, and send it to another person in a few key strokes. While that probably doesn't have a lot of practical use beyond playing around, the fact that you can do it at all, amazes me. Its an example of business following what consumers want, and competition bringing it to them at a price set by consumers. Not to mention the fact that if you're being chased by bad guys or break down in a spooky forest with Scooby and the gang, you can call for help, without walking a mile to Cooter's Garage to trade a joint for him fixing your tire.

  5. ATMs & Debit Cards - Not having to stand in line at the bank or sitting in the drive-through lane is great. You can now pretty much do everything via the machine or even on the internet.

  6. MTV & MP3 - They both took the music industry and tossed it on its ear. Before MTV, the only time you saw what singers looked like was on the album cover or a rare TV appearance or that poster in your bedroom. Its not just about what you sound like now.. .its what you look like. MTV gave artists another way to reach the audience: visually. That's also what MP3's did, except the way they reach listeners is via the internet. I think the full effect of digital music on the industry has yet to be determined. I think the dynamics are still in flux. MP3s essentially made record companies obsolete. A guy in his basement with a computer, some talent and a net connection could put out a song at virtually no cost, and get it to the fans faster and more efficient than a record company. Who needs to get a deal, record an album, press it, then distribute it? Just record it and promote it, and you're set. As for the copyright issue, that will always be there, I think eventually, the legal downloading will bring the labels enough money that they won't be as worried about file trading. Much like in the 80s when guys used to trade mix tapes.

  7. Digital Cameras - An entire photoshop in your hand. No more buying film, no more getting it developed. You get a good camera and printer, and within seconds, your photo is in your hand. All for less than $300.

The Music Memoirs

Name at least 2 songs with days of the week in the title
Manic Monday (The Bangles) and Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting (Elton John)
Name at least 2 songs about the weekend
Workin' For The Weekend (Loverboy) and Saturday In The Park (Chicago)
Name at least 2 songs with months of the year in the title
Sometimes It Snows In April (Prince) and September Rain (Guns & Roses)

C'mon Gimme something difficult! When will I be able to use my mundane music knowledge for good instead of evil? When, Lord, When? When's gon' be my turn?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Great Pretenders

Great Pretenders: "If you could freeze the time for less than an hour, since you’d be the only living thing that’s “alive” in that moment:
1. What would you do?
Find the nearest womens locker room. Then I'd steal a shitload of cash from a bank, then go back to the locker room for a while, then I'd put news anchor's hands in funny positions so when they come back on the air, they're smacking the weather guy's ass or something.
2. Why would you do that?
Because I'm demented.
3. Why you wouldn’t be able to do it if everything were normal and the time weren’t frozen?
Because hot lesbians usually don't invite me into their locker rooms, and bank robbery is illegal, and the anchors only slap weather guys asses off the air.

What about you? Hit comments and release your inner Bruce Almighty.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Elvis Crossed Jabba For The Last Time

The Music Memoirs

Name your three favorite songs from the 90's.These are random songs I liked in the 90s:
1) BBD-"Poison." It was da shit when it came out. Every brutha rockin' a high-top fade doing the running man would be singin' this tune.
2) Jesus Jones "Right Here Right Now." It was popular when I was graduating high school. I thought it was cool because it was about things happening in the world at that moment, and I was feeling the same way. The fall of Communism, the 1st Gulf War, Seinfeld.
3+)Jane's Addiction - "Been Caught Stealing", REM - "Losing My Religion" and RHCP - "Under The Bridge." and of course, "Smells like teen spirit." They all remind me of starting college. They played those damn songs over and over in the dorm. At least the white kids did.
Name your three favorite artists from the 90's. Prince of course, Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg, and umm Rico Suave. If they were any good in the 90s, they'd still be around in this century.
Name your three favorite albums released in the 90's. "The Chronic," Snoop Dogg's first album, and ummm that's about it. I discovered MP3s in 1995, so that ended my CD buying, unless it was something really good.

Name...
1. Two types of music you dislike most?
Country & Opera
2. Two types of food you dislike most? High-Fiber foods, and umm that's about it.
3. Two types of TV programming you dislike most (reality, sitcoms, dramas, etc.) ?
I can't stand reality TV, and any most news talk shows on Fox News Channel.
4. Two celebrities you dislike most? Only 2? Bill O'Reilly and Oprah. Celine Dion comes in at a close third.

5. Two conversation topics you dislike most (politics, family, employment, etc.) ?
Politics, definately. Because you're either a brainwashed follower, or a radical hippie. There's never a way to end the conversation unless one of you changes point of view to the other's. Either that or you're just preaching to the choir. And most people who talk about politics think they know everything, and they're usually full of shit. It makes those of us who do know everything look bad.

Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a Champagne Supernova.

Hit comments and release your inner Katie Couric. I even took that spam blocker thing off for you.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The Next thang fo yo Escalade...

Those spinning rims are so 2002! You need a digital display on your rims. Forget the spinners: pimp rims go high-tech. I think they're incredibly tacky, but damn if they aren't neat to look at.

Maybe if a company was to provide me with the rims, I'd advertise their wares. How cool would it be to have your rims sport a digital viagra logo or an ad for the new Vince Vaughn movie, "I'm a 38 Year Old man child, but I'll change my ways for this hot piece of ass." Co-starring one of the Wilson brothers and at least one cast member from Anchorman. But I digress...

I think as long as people keep making their cars look like Mardi Gras floats, someone will create something tacky to put on it. What happened to the days when you could just slap some rims on a mini truck and put some of those double-windshield-wipers and some AutoZone stickers on the side and call it pimped?

On all those "Pimp My Ride" shows, not once have you seen them put the most practical innovation in a car: a toilet. How cool would it be to hit a button on the steering wheel, and the bottom of the seat opens up, to reveal a toilet? You could put a toilet paper holder on the center console, and a some Purell to sanitize your hands afterwards. Then when you flush, the poo and pee is converted to fuel, which saves you gas money. Then automatically, your choice of 3 refreshing scents are sprayed into the car: Cherry, New Car, or Vanilla. You could theoretically eat a big breakfast that included some high-fiber cereal, and drive from LA to New York without stopping to refuel or use the bathroom. Just bring along some granola to keep the "fuel flowing."

Why am I the only one to think of these things?

What would be your dream upgrade if your car got pimped? Hit comments and release your inner Xzibit.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Yet another reason to hate Nascar

So this weekend I was supposed to see my first Nascar race. Not that I give two shits about racing, but my Dad got 4 free tickets, I figured what the hell, its free. So my parents come in town, check into the hotel that came along with the tickets (it was a package deal). The night before the race my Dad says, "The last bus leaves here for 8, so be here about 7:30." 7 am rolls around, and my ass is still in bed. I only had like 5 hours of sleep the night before because I had to work 430-Noon. So my Dad's pissed because I'm probably going to miss the bus, and I'm pissed because I want to go back to bed, and I'm getting stressed about an event I don't care about. My Dad had reason to be pissed, it was supposed to be him, me and my brother going together. My brother decided he wasn't going to go the night before, because he had a bad cold, and wasn't going to go sit in the cold rain with 120,000 inbreds watching cars go around and around for 4 hours. So here it is 7:30, I'm hauling ass down 285 to get to the hotel so I can get on the bus with my Dad. I get there with 10 minutes to spare, and I call my dad. He thought I was going to meet him at the speedway, so he was already on the bus... with the tickets. After careful consideration I say enough is enough and tell him to enjoy the race, I'm spending the day with my brother's family and my mom. So my Dad's at the speedway trying to make the best of it. He finds his seat, buys a cap so it won't rain on him, eats an overpriced hamburger and then they cancel the damn race due to rain. He's cold and wet and the only cars he saw were in the parking lot. I felt bad for him, but I was dry, and didn't have to wait in line behind Cletus for hours just to take a piss. Dad hasn't talked to me since. :)

Now share your thoughts on this stupid pastime.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Music Memoirs

Name your three favourite artists from the 1960's. The Beatles, The Stones, Hendrix.
Name your three favourite albums released in the 1960's. Let It Be, Abbey Road, Rubber Soul
Name your three favourite songs from the 1960's. Gimme Shelter, most Beatles Stuff, The Weight

I'm back from Hiatus. Still getting my shit together. Drop me a line, etc.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Hiatus

I'm on hiatus for a few days, getting my shit together.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Monday Music Mambo

1. What's your favorite movie about music? Purple Rain. What else is there? Spinal Tap is a far 2nd.

2. What's your favorite music concert video? Sign 'O' The Times. In 1987 I bought the video with my first paycheck. :) I still have the video. Its worn the hell out. I now have a semi-bootleg DVD of the movie, which will have to do until Prince gets off his ass and makes a really nice DVD of it.

3. What do you pay more attention to in a song: the music or the lyrics? Oooh, good question. It depends on the music. If its dance pop shit, then neither. If its rap, I listen to the beat and the words, giving neither much credit. I think it should be a 50-50 deal. Some people have great lyrics and shitty music, and vice versa. I like that Elton John realized early on that he wasn't a brilliant lyricist, but that he was a great pianist. I'm sure that's played a huge part in his success. Or maybe it was that Donald Duck outfit.

4. Here's a serious question involving a touchy situation. You've won a backstage pass to meet your favorite band! You go there after the show, very excited to meet everyone. When you arrive, you see some of the band members doing something illegal (drugs, weapons, etc.). After you've greeted the band, had them sign autographs, etc., do you tell anyone what you saw? Or do you keep quiet because you're sure they do this kind of thing all the time and it's no big deal? Tell everyone. While I'm not that naive as to think that bands are role models... I do believe that you should know the people you're looking up to. And if I saw a performer doing coke or meth or something, thats a personal flaw, regardless if he or she is a great musician. That doesn't give you a pass to be a druggie. Would Hendrix, the Sex Pistols, Motley Crue or the Doors been as good as they were without drugs? I don't know, but as a person in real life, you're known by the company you keep. I wouldn't hang out with a drug addict, regardless if he plays a mean guitar.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Question of the Day

1. Name five famous Georges
  1. George Washington
  2. George W. Bush
  3. George Clooney
  4. George Jefferson
  5. George Jetson
2. How many one-dollar bills do you have in your wallet/purse right now? 3

3. Ever been to Washington, D.C.? How about Washington State? Tell us a little about your trip to either of those places. And if you haven't been to either place, tell me what Washington, D.C. monument, institution or tourist attraction you most want to see if you ever go there. I went to DC when I was a high school senior. It was very interesting. At the time I didn't appreciate it as much as I would if would go now. I was more interested in the fun things and the chicks in the group rather than the educational benefits. Like when A.J. Soprano went to DC and he told Tony all he did was play Playstation 2 in the hotel. :) There are a few things I remember about DC: I had an appointment to meet both a Senator and a Rep from Louisiana. Both were in Louisiana while I was in Washington, so I got a tour of their stupid offices. How exciting. And I remember the Jefferson Memorial because the tour guide/counselor explained that the phrase "Peeping Tom" came from the memorial because the statue looks into the White House bedroom. I also remember the Iwo Jima Memorial, because the tour guide/counselor said there was one extra hand pushing the flag up, and that was to represent the hand of God. And also I went to the Israeli embassy, and knew nothing about Israel, but felt compelled to ask the guy (who may or may not have been someone important, he just had a thick accent) if Israel had nuclear weapons. He looked at me and said, "If we did I wouldn't tell you." L'chayim, asshole. I also went to the Lincoln Memorial, and the tour guide/counselor said there was one word misspelled, and we should try and find it. We never did.

I've never been to Washington State, and have no desire to go there. It probably smells like teen spirit. Eeeew.


1. A song by a Beatle "In My Life"
2. A song featuring piano as the main instrument "Piano Man" Billy Joel duh
3. A song with a woman's name in the title "Michelle" The Beatles
Sont les mots qui vont trés bien ensemble
4. A song with a man's name in the title "Real Slim Shady" Eminem
5. A song about money "Money" by Pink Floyd, "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits
6. A song with weather in the title "Purple Rain" Prince, "Here Comes The Sun" The Beatles, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" BJ Thomas.
7. A song with parentheses in the title. "Something In The Water (Does Not Compute)" Prince
8. A song made by a punk band "God Save The Queen" The Sex Pistols
9. A song with the word "song" in the title "Your Song" Elton John
10. A song you love so much you stop and listen whenever you hear it.
Hmmm... too many. I can't pick just one.

My message to those asswipes who are rioting and murdering because of that cartoon of Muhammed: LIGHTEN UP.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Monday Music Mambo

David Bowie or David Lee Roth? Bowie. David Lee Roth is a so-so singer. He's more of a personality. David Bowie is a music legend with talent beyond just singing and acting goofy.
Hotel Calfornia or Heartbreak Hotel? Hard one... Both are classics. California is like the #1 classic rock radio tune of all time, but Heartbreak is one of the genre's earliest hits. I'd say just because of the complexity and various layers, Hotel California is better. Maybe its the warm smell of colitas talking.
KISS or Love? Kiss. I never heard of a band called "Love." I know Courtney Love, and she's scarier than 4 middle age guys in clown makeup.
Jimi Hendrix or Jimmy Page? Hendrix. though the two are neck-and-neck, I'd say even Page would agree with me. Jimi re-defined playing electric guitar. Very few can come close to him on the guitar. Page is one of them, though.
Faith Hill or Faith No More? Faith No More, simply because they rock, and Faith Hill is a girly country singer.
Safety Dance or The Hustle? Eeew neither.
George Clinton or George Strait? No competition, Clinton. One guy sings about an Atomic Dog, the other sings about a dog under the porch. Besides, you think George Strait would wear a diaper on stage, and name one of his albums, "Hey Man, Smell My Finger."
Elvis Presley or Elvis Costello? Presley, he's the King. Costello is overrated.
Little Richard or Lil' Jon? Lil Jon, cuz I don't think he'd take one up the ass.
Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger? A tie. Both are awesome singers and showmen. Tyler my have a little more vocal skill than Mick, but Mick has the experience of helping define rock over the last four decades.
Keith Richards or Joe Perry? Another tie. Neither is better than the other. Both are skillful and have done some of Rock's most classic anthems. However Keith may have a slight edge because of his age and experience.
Live album or studio album? Its apples and oranges. Both have their merits, and both have their downfalls. I think they're different animals. Studio Albums sound better but Live albums have an energy that you don't get playing in a studio doing multiple takes. On the other hand its those multiple takes that make things sound great. Plus on a live album you can really see someone's skill as a musician. In the studio, you don't know if its studio tricks thats making something sound like it does.
Fender or Gibson? I don't play, so I really can't tell. I think its mostly the player and not the instrument. Hendrix playing a $20 box from Sears would sound better than me playing an original Les Paul. So there ya go.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Behold The CW!!!

I'm getting my own network!
I would have picked ChasTV as the name, but "The CW" works just as well. I promise to have reality shows that barely resemble reality... I promise to have black sitcoms that exagerrate stereotypes... I promise to take beautiful 30-somethings and make them pretend like they're teenagers to give real teenagers' self-esteem an abortion kick to the gut. All this plus a third rate newscast made up of stories you don't give a shit about, told by people who don't know shit about them.
Now for a catchy slogan...
"The CW... one letter away from 'The Cow'"
"You'll see double when you watch the CW"
"The CW... no it don't stand for country and western or The Crack Whore."
"Must 'C W' TV"
"The station that plays the 'Mama's Family' Reruns."
"The CW... hating Ryan Seacrest since 2006"
"You're money back if we suck."
"We've merged the WB & UPN.. can you say 'Nice package'?"
"WWJW?..The CW!" (What Would Jesus Watch?)
"Is Fonzie Busy?"

What do you think? Hit Comments and release your inner Van Der Beek.

Speaking of TV... NBC has cancelled one of my favorite shows, The West Wing. It jumped the shark about 2 seasons ago, when the original creators left the show. Oh well, the reruns still rule!

Monday, January 16, 2006

1. Name three songs that have the word "rain" or "water" in the title. To make it harder, I'll do 3 of each.
  1. Purple Rain - Prince(how obvious)
  2. Mandolin Rain - Bruce Hornsby
  3. Rain - The Beatles
  1. Waterfalls - TLC
  2. Something In The Water (Does Not Compute) - Prince
  3. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel

2. Ever been to a concert where it was raining? If not, is there a band or festival that you would want to see even if it meant standing in the rain?
Yeah, Kiss & Aerosmith once and Jimmy Buffett. Both times were at the Ampitheatre Formerly Known As Lakewood. I'd stand in the rain for Prince, and thats about it.
3. You're a movie producer, and you need a soundtrack for a weather scene. Pick songs that you think would fit with the following pieces of action:

a) Clouds coming in - Clubbed To Death (Kurayamino Mix) - Rob D. Its dark and ominous, but it moves.
b) Rain starts to fall, wind starts to blow - Metallica - One. The song starts slow and builds to a crescendo, much like a rain storm.
c) Sun finally comes along and makes everything better again - Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles (kinda obvious) Starts out quiet and ends on a happy note, like when the sun comes out.

1. Before I walk out the door, I always check to make sure I
have my wallet phone and keys.
2. I can't seem to catch up on my _______. Bills
3. The one surface in my house that always seems to get cluttered fast is _______. Desk
4. If I sleep past _____, I feel that I've slept in too late. Sheeit... you can never sleep too late.
5. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to _______. be satisfied.
6. I hope to have my income taxes done by _______. One day after I get my w2s.
7. This year I'd like to make more time for _______. putting cornrows in Willie the Homeless Wino's nappy hair.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Stayin' Alive... barely


The real reason Cheney's had foot problems... too much disco.

The Revolution Has Begun

"You're going to be trapped in an elevator with seven comedians for three hours. Choose seven famous laugh-makers, living or dead, that you'd most like to spend time with when they were in their prime."
  1. Chris Rock The funniest stand-up for years. His movies aren't all that funny, but as far as standing on a stage making people laugh, he's the man. Even from his early days on SNL and his cameo in I'm Gonna Get You Sucka you could see he knew he was funny as fuck.
    Embarrassing Stumble: Down To Earth. A dead Chris embodies an old rich white guy. Cliches run amok.
  2. Dave Chappell This guy is scary funny. His stand up is funny, and his show is funny as hell. Rick James, Lil Jon both owe the resurgence to him and his making fun of them.
    Embarrassing Stumble: The token black buddy in You've Got Mail. 'Nuff Said.
  3. Early 80s Eddie Murphy Back in the day, his act was so funny and so dirty, that as a young kid it blew my mind. Listening to him talk about The Honeymooners, his uncle at the barbecue, and taking a dump was groundbreakingly funny. "Raw" is a comedy classic, and a very accurate title of a comedy concert movie. Now he's turned into a family-movie star. He went from Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood to Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. He went from talking dirty to talking with animals. He went from talking about nuts to being the Nutty Professor.
    Embarrassing Stumble: Anything after 1990, including that video he made with Michael Jackson. Tito bring me a tissue.
  4. Early 90s Andrew Dice Clay When he did his first HBO special about 1988, and brought his Dirty Nursery Rhymes to the world... it was mind-blowing. Nobody talked like him. Then after about a year, his schtick got old.
    Embarrassing Stumble: He tried to be the caring dad on a CBS sitcom. Lasted about 10 minutes. Imagine that.
  5. Rodney Dangerfield One of the originals. One of the first guys to have a catch phrase. "I don't get no respect." He made funny movies as well. Watch "Caddyshack" and "Back to school" and then tell me he's not the king of the one-liner!
    Embarrassing Stumble: Lady Bugs. Coach Rodney turns a kid into a cross-dresser so a girls soccer team can win. How heartwarming.
  6. Dennis Miller His intelligent wit mixed with a good old-fashioned funny joke gave him his own niche. His rants are peppered with pop culture and obscure references that make you feel like you're a genius if you pick up on it.
    In the elaborate wardrobe of human emotions, guilt is the itchy wool turtleneck that's three sized too small. Guilt may be difficult to articulate, but when it surfaces, it's as unwelcome and distinct as Jethro Bodine in the lobby of an Ian Shraeger hotel.
    Do you know who Jethro and Ian are?
    Embarrassing Stumble: Became a Conservative
  7. Artie Lange He's a fat Italian guy who likes to curse and crack wise. I can't imagine why he'd be one of my favorite comedians. :) He's the everyman comedian. You'd think he was just the guy who sits next to you on the bus or that works down the hall from you, until you realize he's the funniest mufuka on the planet. He also has the best beginning to a story: "Ya ever been high on heroin and shit your pants?"
    Embarrassing Stumble: Played the token fat buddy in The Bachelor the Chris O'Donnell movie where he has to marry Renee Zellwegger to inherit some money.
In general, I usually hate stand-up comics. How many different jokes can you make about the president, flying, hotel rooms, and socks in the dryer? I also think that people seek out the spotlight and feel the need to make people laugh because of something in their childhood. Mommy didn't give them enough attention or they had overly strict parents. Wah. The funny thing is, most comedians will incorporate that into their act.

    Would you rather:
  1. get a prank phone call at 2:00am OR sit on a whoopie cushion on a public bus? Get a prank call... I like a good prank call. As for the whoopie cushion on a bus, who gives a shit.
  2. get poked in the eye OR get a wedgie?
  3. The wedgie, cuz you can pull out a wedgie. You can't unpoke your eye!
  4. taken to the hospital because of a freak accident involving a llama and whipped cream OR an allergic reaction on your nipples from latex?
  5. The nipples one. I could make up a story about why latex was on them. I don't think I could lie about my llamasexual experiences.
  6. get bit by a rabid chihuahua OR a wild badger?
  7. Badger? Badger? We don't need no stinking Badger!

1. Something that bothered you last week. Bills.
2. Something that made you smile Every minute I spend with Abby
3. Something that made you sad. Going to work.
4. Something that made you angry Useless Reporterettes whose personal problems become my problems.
5. Something that made you happy 1-9-05 Stern Uncensored!
I finally got my Sirius radio hooked up. I haven't listened to many of the stations beyond the Stern Channel and the classic rock one. Just being able to listening to Howard on the long commute to work is worth the price of admission. The other 100+ channels are a bonus. Not to mention its an alternative to the shitty Atlanta stations.

"Rusty Cage" by Johnny Cash is one of the best songs ever.


Can you guess what this is a picture of? Hit comments and release your inner Jethro Bodine.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

All is Quiet On New Year's Day...

1. From a financial standpoint, was 2005 a good year or a bad year for you? Do you expect 2006 to be better or worse?
Bad, very bad. See #2 for why...

2. What was your least favorite moment of 2005? February 25, 2005. I had a baby on the way, a house being built, and I got fired... the other worse moment (among many) was riding to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta with my 3 month old daughter in an ambulance.

3. Did you lose anyone close to you in 2005? If so, who were they? No, thank God.

4. Take this quiz (if you haven't already!): What do you know about blogging?
Well, You Know What a Blog Is...

You got 3/8 correct!
But, truthfully, most blogs probably bore you.

I really don't give a shit.

5. Where were you when 2005 began? Where were you when 2005 ended? I was in a shitty apartment with a pregnant Tina... As the year ends, I'm in my own home, with Tina and my little angel, Abby.

6. Did you make new year's resolutions for 2005? If so, how many did you keep? No resolutions, if you want to do something, just do it. Don't wait for the beginning of the year. Does the change of the calendar year really give you more willpower? Do you know of anyone who has had a resolution that's stuck?

I know its been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been busy with work and the holidays. This year is now over, and I've got nothing but good thoughts for 2006!