Yay! I'm not white trash!

I AM 11% WHITE TRASH! I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com

No wonder George Carlin was such a dick to me, he was probably sleepin' off a load of E&J or all hopped up on goofballs! Getting bitched at by a comedian is about as fun as pissing off an oldies act. 

The Nose Knows

1. What is your favorite scent?

2. Can you get your favorite scent in a candle, spray or plug in? A Plug-in, sometimes. ;)
3. What do you use to make your home smell good? (ex: spray, powder, candles, incense, oils, stick ups or plug ins) I clean it.
4. What scent do you dislike the most? Why? Patchouli or Ammonia.
5. Is there any natural scent that you really wish they could bottle? See #1

Evening Dispatch

1. Did you travel for the Christmas holidays? If so, how did you get where you were going and how was the trip? I drove from ATL to Savannah, then to Jax, then to Orlando. The trip was OK since it was split into pieces. We were like the Beverly Hillbillies with an Xterra full of presents to give on the way, then presents we got coming home. The trip was tiring, and I was glad to sleep in my own bed again.
2. Did you get most of the gifts you were hoping for? I wasn't really hoping for anything special. Its good just to have people in your life that care enough to get you anything. All the presents I got were thoughtful and great.
3. If you were to check Santa's list, would your name appear to indicate that you had been good enough in 2004 to have DESERVED those gifts? You'll have to ask Santa.
4. If you HAD to make one New Year's Resolution next year, what would it be? Not to make resolutions.
5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #36 from Mrs. L: What is your favorite kind of Christmas cookie or dessert? Mrs. Fields cookies made by my grandma, and raw ranger cookies.
6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #37 from Promise: Who inspires you the most in your life? I can't narrow it down to one person. I find inspiration everywhere. From friends to musicians to authors to regular people I meet.
What about u?

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

Regarding the Tsunami that killed 45,000 people:
"It should've hit L.A... They had it coming, after all that plastic surgery and stuff."

Dorothy Mantooth Is A Saint!

The greatest movie of the year drops on DVD today... Anchorman. All those Best Buy gift cards I got for Christmas will be put to good use! Three discs of Ron Burgundy goodness. Speaking of Willie Ferrell, I checked out Elf and Best Of Will on SNL while on my Oprah-sized vacation. Elf was cheezy and Christmassy, but funny. The SNL DVD is pretty funny, but after a while you're looking for other skits besides Will Ferrell Stuff.

I'm back to the grind after the big Holiday Tour '04, hitting Savannah, Jax, and Orlando. It was nice being with family and meeting new family, but if they could all congregate at one place (preferably not Atlanta!) so I don't have to drive, that would be nice of them. I think what I'll remember most about this vacation is having to have the bag o'pills close at hand the entire time. How was your Chrismakwanzakah? Hit comments and release your inner Grinch

A word from Record Producer Bruce Dickinson

I've got a fever, and the only prescription is...

Sofa King True!

This guy counted down the 25 most annoying newsmakers of 2004. I agree with every one of them! Who do you think is most annoying? Hit comments and get it off your chest!

Happy Xmas

1. What is a fond holiday tradition from your childhood? I remember as a child, being so excited to see my cousins around Christmas, and spending Christmas Eve at Grandma Ducci's house, then going to bed, and waking up to Star Wars Stuff left by Santa, then Going by Grandma Welch's house and getting more presents there. My Grandma would hide her homemade cookies in her bedroom closet, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE would sneak in there and get some. It was all so innocent and simple back then.
2. If you could start a new holiday tradition, what would it be? Any tradition is a good one, if you're doing it with those you love, and its fun.
3. What is your favorite Christmas song and who sings it? "Please Come Home For Christmas" The Eagles.
4. Is there a certain event, food, television program, etc. that makes your Christmastime complete? Just being with family is Christmas enough for me. If I'm not with loved ones, then its not Christmas. Nevermind the decorations, presents, food, etc. The Holidays are about putting the important stuff into perspective. Like even though we sat in the car for 2 hours waiting to see the retarded lights at Lake Lanier, we were with friends and had a good time.
5. Does is traditionally snow where you live at Christmastime? If not, do you wish that it did? It snows here in Atlanta once a year, usually not at Christmas time. I'm happy for that. I hate the cold.

... in other words...

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken, "Oh, the Things I Know", 2002

While I usually wouldn't quote an ultra-liberal ultra-bland comedian, this quote was up on a meme webpage, so I figured it was as good as any other quote to write about. I have made more mistakes than I care to remember... nor will I. But I've tried to learn from each of them. I've often not heeded that lesson learned. I've hurt people who don't deserve it, I've hurt myself by not heeding those lessons, I've wasted time and energy that could have been saved by seeing the writing on the wall. Billy Joel said your mistakes are the only things you can truly call your own. So I take ownership of those mistakes, and their lessons, and I appreciate them. You have to own up to that responsibility for those mistakes. This may or may not make sense, I'm tired, I hurt, and insomnia has become an unwelcome nightly visitor. Besides being another of life's cruel ironies, insomnia has a way of making you remember those mistakes. So you have no choice but to face them, or shut the hell up. I choose the latter.

Me and Bill Cosby spending Xmas Together it seems

You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy. You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

Funny photoshops

Hooray For Hollywood

1) Which movie do you think was THE BEST of 2004? The worst? Anchorman was by far the best movie I've seen this year. The worst movie ummmm... I've seen too many stupid flicks to remember... "Ladykillers" and "Envy" were pretty bad, those are the only ones I can think of offhand.
2) If you were handing out the Oscar's this year, who would pick as Best Actor and Actress. Name the actor/actress and the film. I can't think of anyone who really blew me away.
3) The category is 'best film of 2004'. There are 5 nominees. What 5 movies would be on your list. Anchorman, Bourne Supremacy, Farenheit 9/11, Jersey Girl, Team America.
BONUS) Is there a moving coming out in the upcoming year that you're excited to see? If so, what is it? Batman Begins, June 17, and maybe Clerks 2: The Passion Of The Clerks (I'm not sure if its coming out in 2005)

What are your picks?

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I'm in so much pain, I can't see straight. I can't wait until January 5th.

Make your own Christmas Carol!

You have to have some amount of musical talent, but if not, its still fun to play with. Czech it out. The Star Wars Christmas Carol is my favorite.

I Love Whitney...

...not because I love her singing, or her acting, or anything she'd want to me to love. I love her because no matter how stupid you think she could act, she always some something nuttier. Today, at about Five O'Clock, Whitney drove her car into a MARTA bus in Alpharetta. Way to go Whitney! Some people just can't light a crack pipe and drive at the same time. Whats your favorite celebrith gaffe? Hit comments and share.

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

"I'm gonna go rub my ass all over the afternoon meeting."

Just what you wanna see under the tree on Christmas morning 

Christmas Cheddar

1. What do you like most about Christmas? Getting to see the people you don't get to see a lot during the year. While some people you don't want to see, you mostly make time to see the ones you love.
2. How have your Christmas perceptions changed over time? Over time I've looked past the commercialism aspect of it, and I've looked for whats important during the Holidays: being with family, showing those you love how much you care for them. It used to be about the ritual of it... taking time off school, buying presents, giving them, eating dinner, getting back to your daily routine.
3. Is it truly better to give than to receive? Yes. I receive shit all the time, but I don't think I give enough. When I do give, I halfway feel guilty because it gives me pleasure to give someone something. If that makes any sense.
4. What's your all time favorite Christmas present? Zoë learned to say my name Christmas before last.
5. What gift are you most proud of giving to someone else? Ask me in a few months.

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You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

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Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas

For you, it's all about sharing times with family. Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Elton

"Sometimes when I'm nervous I stick my hands in my armpits, then smell them."

Evening Edition

• On Monday, December 13, 2004 our Noon News beat WXIA’s Noon show with a 3.0/8.0 HH Rtg/Shr.
  
• Badass Christmas II is done. Thanks to the one person who sent in a suggestion. I literally searched through about 3,000+ Christmas mp3s to find the perfect tunes. If you ask nicely you might find one in your stocking. Next to that other crap you're probably just going to return.
  
• While I love the lesbians, I don't see what Portia diRossi sees in Ellen DeGeneres. Is it the obnoxious dancing? Is it her premier cunnlingus skills honed between the legs of many a New Orleans dyke? Or is it just for publicity? Weigh in with your thoughts.
  
• Who knew there was remote control etiquette?
  
• While shopping for some kids on the Angel Tree, I was wondering if there's a similar program for hookers who won't get any presents for Christmas, or Hanukkah. Pimps take all their money, and they don't make that much to begin with. Would it be called the "Ho Tree"? Take off a tag with the name of a hooker, what size bra, what size clear-heeled shoe, and g-string she wears, then bring them back unwrapped to the local 7-11, adult bookstore, or Bus Depot. Never has so little gone so far.

Trick or treat, smell my feet. She's got more money than God, but yet she can't stop at Target and get some $3.98 Odor-Eaters. You can take the girl out the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out the girl! I think Britney and Paris are in some kinda competition to see who can be the richest, but act the trashiest. I have a feeling that The Federlines have a Mercedes up on blocks in front of their mansion.

Shaking Loose the Mortal Coil

So you find yourself dead. Can't control what happens next, or can you?
1. The split second before you're about to die, time stops and you can accomplish one last task before the end. What is it? Cure whatever the fuck I'm dying of... Eat a whole muffaletta... seriously... I'd see my family for the last time, and hope that they were smiling, and not sad that I was gone.
2. The Nacissistic Death is all about you - in what manner did you die? If I'm going to die Narcissistically, I'm going to go on a reality show and do it there. That way the pundits will say, "Has Reality TV gone too far?" Plus everyone would see me, and I'd have my 15 minutes of fame, just after I'm dead.
3. What music/song would you like played at your funeral? Sometimes It Snows In April.
4. RIP? You can do better than that - what finals words to the world are etched on your tombstone/urn? Is that it?
5. Apparently, there's suppose to be happiness in the afterlife. What age are you and what's different about you that makes you oh so happy to be here? 21. I was legal, I had only a few bills, I was relatively non-obese, I had a ton of fun, I had a world in front of me, so much potential. What the hell happened to me? That's what should be on my tombstone.

Friday Night

• James Brown has prostate cancer. James said his first sympton was a cold sweat. He expects to beat it and feel good soon.
  
• The trailer for "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" is out. I hate it. Willy Wonka looks queer as fuck. Since its not called "Willy Wonka ..." its technically not a remake of the Gene Wilder flick. Thats the only good thing about this flick. Its fucking edwards scissorhands with chocolate. I'm boycotting this blasphemous hunk of shit.
  
• Do the terrorists get their ideas from Dr. Evil? The government says the terrorists may use "lasers" to blind pilots when they're trying to land. What the hell? Next they're going to steal nuclear warheads to drill into the earth and hit liquid hot "MAGMA." Surely this is a joke. Is Osama bin Laden really gonna be sitting on side of Hartsfield-Jackson-Franklin International Airport with a laser pointer taking out AirTran flights full of tourists? I'm sure our airport security could twart a retarded plot like this. I think someone made a joke, and a reporter overheard it, and then ran with it.

Happy Hanukkah

Or is it Chanukah?
This is funny as hell. Shalom to my jewish friends. Enjoy!

Afternoon Dispatch

• I think I'm the North Georgia Correspondent. Twice in the last week I have trapsed up I-75. I went to do a story on a military send-off on Friday in Dalton, the carpet capital of the world. Then yesterday I hauled ass up to Ringgold, which is almost in Chattanooga to get a 20 minute interview. I talked to the father of the soldier that asked Rumsfeld the question about their armor. The dad was a nice guy, even though we interviewed him out in the cold on side of a BP station. We hauled ass back and and fed our video from the hill at the US Play. When the photographer and I were done, we were exhausted. Tonight I'll probably get sent to Nashville to cover something stupid. OH well. To make matters worse... I missed the best night of TV, Superman, West Wing, and South Park.
  
• There needs to be a Paris Hilton - Lindsey Lohan Bukkake video out. I'm tired of hearing about these idiots. They need to be taken down a few notches. I know what you're thinking, "You mean your pithy comments aren't enough to tear down their celebrity empires, Chas?" Sadly no. So keep your fingers crossed for the Bukkake.
  
• Hot Lesbian Love Tryst on The O.C.: CONFIRMED!
  
• Who would've thought that a guy named Dimebag Darrel would hang with a bad crowd?
  
• Sinus Infections suck ass... and snot.
  
• Adam Sandler should stick to dick and fart joke movies. Will his big paychecks replace the testicles he had to sever in order to get the big role in the spanish chick flick?
  
• These broads are funny as hell.
  
• I'm sure you have some thoughts on this bullshit. Hit Comments already, or tell your hotter, more popular, more literate friends to do it for you!
  

Assignment Desk Quote Of The Day

"Big Mama, I'm gonna keep a bottle of whiskey up here for days like this."
"If I hold any more hands, it'll be like I'm going steady in junior high school"

Imagine

Today is the day John Lennon was killed outside his New York City apartment in 1980. In his life, his music changed the lives of so many people. He never claimed to be more than just a guy with a guitar who spoke out about what he believed in... all without pretense. What would the face of music be if John had lived? I'm sure he would have been on the cusp of anything new and exciting just like he was during his short life.
A BBC Report From That Day.

Black People Love Us!

Sally and Johnny are wack, yo!

Desk Quote Of The Day

Desk Quote Of The Day: "I swear to God I'm gonna pull a Pete Townshend in a minute."

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Prince got 5 Grammy nominations, of which he'll win none.

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Keep Me In Your Heart
Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called 'When all is said and done'
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Jesus, Mary and Posh Spice

Religious folks in England are getting pissy because they've made a nativity scene with wax statues of famous people. Lighten the hell up, bloody wankers. Its not like they're showing a crucifix in a vat of pee. Do you think that if they put up a nativity scene with random wax figures that anyone would be talking about anywhere outside Madam Toussaud's neighborhood? If that gets at least 5 more people talking about religion, or the spirit of the Christmas season, then its worth putting Hugh Grant's face on Baby Jesus.

Jessica Simpson's Oscar Winning Portrayal of Daisy Duke

I'm sure the Academy will not gloss over Jessica Simpson's portrayal of Daisy Duke in this new Dukes of Hazzard movie. It seems Hollywood can't find any new ideas, so they're taking all the old TV shows and recycling them. Starsky & Hutch, Charlie's Angels, what else? "She's The Sheriff - The Movie" coming soon to a theater near you. Anyway, enjoy the hot ass picture of future Oscar-winner Jessica Simpson. Will Snoop Dogg do a cameo as Cooter?

Hope For The Future

Every while in a once, you come across an invention or something that makes you say, "damn thats a good idea." These guys have come up with a cell phone cover that turns into a sunflower when you throw it away. I guess sometimes you have to put your faith in your fellow man that they'll make everything alright, despite the sayers of nay. When you throw something away, have faith that one day it will grow into something beautiful.

Damn I love TV

Have I mentioned I love TV? More than that, I love girl-on-girl action on TV. The latest show to muff-dive in... The O.C. Apparently chronically-depressed Marisa will forego the chronically-depressed Ryan and the chronically-Mexican gardener, and go straight for the pink. God Bless The O.C. This could rank up there with such lesbian lip-locks as Madonna and Britney at the 2003 VMAs, Allie McBeal and that chinese chick back in the 90s, Jaime Pressly and Tiffani Amber Theisson on Fastlane, Sarah Michelle Gellar and that nerdy chick in Cruel Intentions, and Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in any of those movies they were in.
While the internet can provide hot lesbians 24 hours a day, its nice to see it on regular TV now and then. Its more taboo if you see it on TV. It leaves more to the imagination I guess. And I've got quite an imagination.
I think playing the lesbian card is a last ditch effort to revive sagging ratings. Its seems to have replaced the "lets add another baby to the show" formula. They've learned their lessons from the many series that have jumped the shark. I'd rather see some hot sitcom rug-munchers get it on instead of a warm cuddly family crack wise about changing diapers.

Lazy Sunday

Its cold and rainy here, and it has a bad effect on my mood. Thats why I like the summer time. I live in the south for that reason, I like it here. I like southern people. Anyways, I have no brilliant thoughts so I'll bring you the day's questions:
1) Which stone is your birthstone? Do you like it? Amethyst, a purple stone originally thought to make all who touched it sober if they were drunk. I'm not sure what that symbolizes. What do you think?
2) Do you prefer silver or gold? Neither, Platinum, yo.
3) Name the jewelry that you wear whenever you leave the house. Watch and Pimp Ring.
4) What is your most precious and valuable item of jewelry? My Dad gave me the pimp ring when I graduated High School.
5) Do you carry insurance on any of your jewelry and if not, why not? No. Jewelry is just an object. Its the thought behind them thats important. Not what other people think about you when you wear it. The object can be replaced, the thought behind it should endure.
Political ?s
1. Are you for or against George W. Bush? I think you should be for the President whomever it may be. Not necessarily be a blind follower, but respect the office, even if you don't respect the man. I voted for the other guy in the election, but that doesn't mean I hate Bush. I think he could've done a much better job, and I don't know if he'll do any better in the next four years. I respect the fact that he was democratically elected, and that along with the great freedom we have in voting comes the great responsibility of respecting the majority winner. In this country we also have the freedom to express disagreement with said leaders, and that,to me, is more important than any other right.
2. Are you for or against Firefox or Internet Explorer? I'm for whatever gets the job done. I like that firefox set out to create a better product than the one thats shoved down our throat. The market seems to agree, as IE has gone down to a 90% share of the browser market. Like everything else in the computer game, it'll eventually change. There was a time when Netscape clobbered Mosaic. Do you know anyone who still uses either of those browsers?
3. Downloading music: a gift from the heavens or something that should be outlawed? Easily a gift from the heavens. Like the browser war, the market has spoken. People don't want to pay $15 for a CD with one good track and 11 other shitty ones anymore. Now the industry that's still scared of MP3s is slowly beginning to embrace it. The new U2 album was available legally a week before it hit the shelves, and the album still hit #1. It also forced the market to find new ways to get people to buy CDs. Prices fell a bit (not enough), and they started adding incentives, like videos on the disc or added DVDs. I applaud those moves, but I'm still gonna download my mp3s for free. Screw the record industry. The digital music medium also gives unknown or obscure bands an even playing field on which they can get their music out.
4. How do YOU think the gun control issue should be dealt with? Common sense. Be strict with licensing and selling firearms. Don't sell an assault rifle to a kid or someone with a violent background. Yes, you do have a right to bear arms, but you don't have a right to fill somebody full of holes because you think they came to rob you. If you want the gun for honest reasons, then you should have no problem going throught he legal channels to get one. You have to go through legal channels to get a drivers license, a high school diploma, or a marriage license, so why not a gun. Besides, the spirit of gun control laws is to keep guns out of the hands of criminals. Last time I checked, the gang-member who shot and killed the kid who was playing basketball with his friends in the hood did NOT give a shit about getting a license. You can ask him politely if he's got one, though.
5. Would you ever donate to a charity? (Be honest.) I donate my time and energy every week to charity, I don't have extra cash to donate, so I try and do things to help those in need.

Keep Your Eye On The Ball

Normally, I wouldn't link to a piece of video of a guy Playing with his balls, but this guy is amazing. Check it out.

Phobias

1. If you have a phobia (or something close to one), what is it? Retarded people.
2. How long have you had the phobia (or something close to it)? Since I was a kid and my mom let me run around in Schwegmann's Grocery Store, and there was a retarded guy who worked there, and it scared the shit out of me. Since then, I freak out.
3. If you know anyone with a phobia (or something close to it), how does s/he act when s/he is experiencing it? Nah, if you have one, tell me.
4. What is one phobia you would wish not to have? Umm anything... thats a stupid question.
5. What is one phobia you wouldn't mind having, if you were to face one? Umm I guess fear of vomiting? Vomitphobia? Another stupid question.

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1. Think back to weddings you have attended (other than your own): what was the nicest part of the one you liked the most? Kathy and Davids. I got to wear a tux, I got to drink, the food was good New Orleans food, the music was good, it was a lot of fun. Its the standard by which all other weddings should be judged.
2. What is your favorite color and which room of your home has the most of this color in it? Black & White. My living room has a lot of black and white in it.
3. What is your favorite kind of popcorn:
A) Unsalted Yuk! Hell no. Why bother?
B) Buttered Rarely.
C) Extra Butter Aw hell yeah! The more the better!
D) Kettle Corn My new most favoritist flavor!
E) Caramel Corn Very good, but not different than other popcorn.
4. Take a little time (!!) for a quick inventory of the clocks in your home: how many do you have and what is the widest difference between any two of them? Just a few seconds. The last time we set the clocks back in October, I set them all with my watch, which is calibrated daily from the Naval Observatory in Fort Collins, Colorado. So blow me!

5. When was the last time you used a real rotary dial telephone to place a call? Jeeez, maybe in the mid-80s? We got cordless phones at my house fairly early. I remember that we had one before anyone else I knew. It was a badass invention!
6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #34 from Shannon: What is your favorite sport and why? Absolutely none.

Its a BK Christmas!

This is sad. Ding! Fries are done!

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what decade does your personality live in?


quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

Journalizzle

What is "Journalizzle?" Its what Snoop Dogg would call a cross between journalism and sizzle. Last night I watched as workers pretended to rescue
Fred Powers from a trench. To the people at home, it was pure eye candy. They saw him strapped to a basket, then get pulled out. He wasn't "buried alive" like we promised over and over during the day. The piece was a follow up to a story about a guy who really was buried alive in a trench collapse. Now can you imagine whats going through that poor bastard's mind as he's watching this shit on TV? This BUFFOON is doing a re-enactment of the horrible accident that put him in the hospital. Is this news? NO. Is it journalism? No. Does it give the viewer any more insight into what happened at the trench collapse? Maybe. Now back in the control room, there was a producer and executive producer YELLING at Fred in his earpiece to put more dirt on himself because it didn't look like he was buried. The OSHA guy on the scene wouldn't let the workers actually bury him. Well it was supposed to be four minutes of riveting TV, but it was 3 minutes of painful, mind-numbing idiocy. I'm sure people at home got some comedic value out of it, but I was just embarrased for our station.
It brings to mind the line between getting ratings and informing the public. When I write a story my first thought is, "how will this affect Aunt Edna?" Aunt Edna is the average person at home. She doesn't care about the latest budget battle, she just cares that her garbage gets picked up. She doesn't care about a gas leak on the other side of town, she just cares that her ride home is going to be an hour longer. Too often the news is judged not by what people want to see, but what news managers/producers/news directors want to see on their air. Does Aunt Edna care that a certain station was the only station that talked to some chick who saw a hooker get busted? Nope, but I bet that you'll see the "EXCLUSIVE" bug plastered all over it. So whats behind this hairy mole on the ass of Journalism? Its a number of things. Increased choices among tv stations. If you don't like the news on one station, there are at least 8 other news outlets where you can get your news. Its also because peoples lives are so much more fast-paced than in years past. They don't have time to sit and watch a 5 minute piece on Middle Eastern Peace Talks. Give it to me in 20 seconds or I'm gonna flip over to Judge Judy. And in general, TV viewers have a shorter span of attention. One casualty of that is the TV theme song.
So what is the answer? Pickier viewers. Go for the steak, not the sizzle. Will that happen? Hell No. Thats why reality TV is so big. You get what you think is reality, in small, safe, morsels. I think I need to get out of this business... simply because I've given up on Aunt Edna. I'm ready to strap her to the roof of my family truckster and drive her off a cliff.

The Year Of The Blog

They're saying 2004 is the year of the blog. Its apparently the most popular word of the year according to Merriam-Webster. I've been doing this since 1999 as a "blog" (I've had web pages since 1996). I guess the rest of the world is seeing how easy it is to be a publisher. Since the election was this year, more people had things to say. And if you've looked around at the blogs out there, everyone's got an opinion. Including me. I think its great that you can publish your opinion with a few clicks of the mouse, and have it all nicely formatted and pleasing to the eye. So keep it up! Speak yo Mind! Hit Comments! Now!

Speaking of speaking your mind, this woman says porn is like Cocoa Puffs. Are you coo-coo for cocoa puffs?

Make Love Not Spam

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Weird Wednesday

1. Why does Santa bring presents? He brings presents so parents will have a reason to buy stuff. Santa himself brings the gifts because the FedEx guy doesn't have all his teeth.
2. Why isn't rooves the plural of roof? Its a contractual deal with the Roofers Union. Don't mess with the union.
3. Why do too many cooks spoil the broth? Would too many accountants also spoil the broth? And if so, how many accountants is too many? Too many cooks spoil the broth because they all want to put shit in it. Accountants would also spoil the broth because they would be too concerned with the numbers and the recipe. It doesn't allow for flair, which is why too many cooks spoil the broth, they'll put too much flair in it. As for how many accountants are too many... well its the exact same number of buttons on a TGI Friday's uniform.

4. In American football, why does the center have to snap the ball to the quarterback? Why doesn't the quarterback just start with the ball? Again, talk to the union. If the center didn't have his hands on the balls, what would they do?

5. Compare and contrast the food turkey with the country Turkey. Turkey the food contains Tryptofan, and people in Turkey trip on fans. Turkey the food is browned before being served, Turkey the country is served by Brown, aka U.P.S. Turkey the food makes good sandwiches the day after, people in Turkey make good sandwiches.

The Best Prank Ever!

Yale students play the best prank ever on Harvard fans. It would probably be funnier if I went to one of those schools, but then hell would have frozen over. Several times.

A Badass Christmas

Back in 1999, instead of Christmas Cards I gave my friends a CD of the best Christmas tunes. Not your old ass Burl Ives singing Rudolph, mind you. This Yule Log of Funk had such classics as "Christmas In Hollis," "Please come home for Christmas" by The Eagles, and my favorite Christmas song, "The Hanukkah Song." I updated some of the songs for the 2003 version, which garnered much praise from my peeps. This year, I've gotten a request for a new Badass Christmas Collection. As the funkiest white man on the face of the planet, its my duty to spread some Christmas cheer via music. But I need some help. I need you, YES YOU, to send me some of your favorite Holiday tunes and the artist who did your favorite version. Just hit comments below, and remember to leave your email address. As an incentive, if you contribute a good song, I'll send you a CD when its done. With your help, and some illegal internet downloads, we'll have the most badass Christmas ever.

Evening Dispatch

• That freak will finally lose on Jeopardy! Tomorrow. Good. He should use his knowledge of trivial matters for good instead of financial gain. Yeah right.
  
• What the hell kinda name is Phinnaeus?
  
• Heidi Klum is going to shill for McDonalds. Will they show her puking up her happy meal at the end of the commercial?
  
• National Treasure was a pretty good movie. Not exactly an Indiana Jones flick, but not as gay as The Mummy.
  
• Cheese is as addictive as Morphine. I've been known to mainline Queso Blanco, Freebase Mozzerella, and Snort some Provalone. Save me from myself.
  
• Dan Rather is quitting CBS News. I'm sure you've all heard about it. I think its too bad. I think he's getting railroaded out of the job, after the whole memo thing. Sure he's goofy on election night with his down-home colloquialisms, sure he's kind of a stuffed shirt sometimes. OK, maybe its a good thing that he's quitting. Some of the names being tossed around as replacements include current White House Correspondent John Roberts, and Reporter Scotty Pelley. I think both of these guys would do fine, but neither has "star power." CBS is also said to be courting Matty Lauer and Timmy Russert. I think these guys are what CBS needs. A shot of adrenaline. Lauer has a youthful look and name recognition, and is a seasoned journalist. Russert is by far one of the best interviewers on TV today. I love his style, he even makes boring blather sound halfway interesting. Rather's stepping-down also makes me wonder if we even need the nightly network news anymore. Anyone who is interested in the news will want it ASAP, and will turn to one of the cable news networks. If people want different angles on stories, they'll surely get it there. A 24-news operation has much more time to dedicate to a story than a 30-minute newscast. I don't even think people are necessarily tuning in to see the different anchors. Surely names like Bill O'Reilly, Shephard Smith, Paula Zahn, Larry King, and Tony Harris are just as recognizable as Jennings, Rather and Brokaw. No matter what, I'm sure Dan will enjoy his time off:
  
  
• My heart skipped a beat when I saw there was a fatal accident in Canton today.

Christmas Shopping

"George Washington had a vision for this country. Was it three days of uninterrupted shopping?" -Jeff Melvoin, Northern Exposure

1) Do you enjoy shopping at the mall? No. Overpriced crap, too many people, too many punks, ugh. I'm glad I'm not a teenager anymore. I go in with a shopping agenda (to quote Fashionable Male Benny Affleck), get what I must and get out.
2) What is your favorite mall food? Orange Julius and Bourbon Chicken. All the other food is the same fast food you get at other places prepared by the same pimply-faced teens who would rather slit their wrists than look you in the eye and tell you to go to hell.
3) What are your three favorite “mall” stores? B. Dalton, Prints Plus, and Kay.
4) What is your favorite mall? Parkdale Mall in Beaumont, Texas. That was "my" mall as a young teenager. I liked it so much I got busted shoplifting there in the 7th Grade. I also like The Esplanade in New Orleans. That was "my" mall as an older teenager. I hung out there in that 2 year period between the point when I got my drivers license and when I was able to drink. At the time, Richie P and me walked around there talking about how stupid people at the mall were while perusing the latest CDs at the Wreka Stow. Speaking of Richie P, I been trying to e-mail yo ass for months. I must have a wrong email address. Send a brutha some e-mail goodness.
5) Do you have one special person that you enjoy going to the mall with the most? Yeah, Donald Trump.

Porn Wars

As an obvious follow up to "What Star Wars Euphemism For Masturbation" post, I give you....


Porn Wars

Call it a geek's wet dream, call it really sad, just don't call un-imaginative.

I know its not Tuesday, but....

Your Star Wars Masturbation Method Is: Evacuating Tatooine

Get your own Star Wars Masturbation Method

Saturday Six

Its been a few days since I posted anything noteworthy because of the holidays and stuff, so here's some new stuff for you to chew on. Feel free to hit comments and leave your answers or comments.

1. How long do your Thanksgiving leftovers usually last, and at what's the first non-Thanksgiving item you begin to crave when you tire of turkey? I usually don't cook the dinner, so the leftovers are left over at someone else's house.

2. Of the following, which would you most prefer to be located:
a) Interstate highway traffic jam
b) Slow-moving checkout line
c) Dentist's chair
definitely the traffic jam. At least I could listen to music or use the phone. I hate long checkout lines, because getting on with the rest of my life is determined by the ghettorat cashier who would rather polish the 3 foot fake fingernails and get her 'herrr did' than make the line go faster. And the jackasses in front of me are usually no better. Its usually a 104-year-old lady whose buying food to stock up a bomb shelter or feed the 3rd Infantry or something, and she stacks up one item at a time on the conveyer belt. That's why those self-checkout thingies at wal-mart are a Godsend. Then you just have to worry about the idiot who can't seem to operate the thing. They should put a sign there: "If you can't read simple 3rd grade directions, get in line with the other idiots. If you can walk and chew gum, you're ok here." And the Dentists chair is just torture, nobody wants that shit.

3. What is at the top of your personal Christmas gift wish list this year? I'm getting a big present later in the year.

4. What improvement would you most like to see added to AOL's Journal software? Hmmmm.. well I use neither AOL nor its journal software, so I can't really say. I do think its good for people on AOL who want to put up a blog like this. It seems to be pretty configurable and easy to use. Bravo AOL, I hate you [ ] that much less.

5. What seasonal movies do you most look forward to this time of year? I think I answered this. Is XXX Lesbian Fiesta IV a holiday film?

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #33 from Tara: What is your favorite classic 80's video game? I liked Pac-Man and Tron. And I liked Super Mario Brothers. I'm not a video games person.

I assure you, we're open.

Christmas came early! Thanks Uncle Kev! 
Though not from Clerks, its still a fine piece of prose:

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I can't do this any longer. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of you and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

How many times have you wanted to say something that great?

Music Mambo

If you could thank one artist/band for their contribution to your life, who would it be and why? Who do you think??? Prince of course.

What albums are you thankful that you purchased or heard this year? I've bought very few CDs since I download so much stuff. Most of the CDs I've bought were Beatles CDs. I'm thankful that I bought them. Its kind of an subtle link I have to my Dad's childhood. He used to run down to the record store and get Beatles LPs, and I ran down and got the CDs. So I'm thankful for the Beatles shamelessly re-releasing the same music over and over.

If you wanted to tell someone thanks in song, what song would it be? Adore. Look on the card.

What musical things are you thankful for? I'm thankful for Badass JamZ CDs, Janet's Boob popping out, The Musicology Tour, downloading that rare tune that nobody's heard, then everyone else catches on.

Afternoon Dispatch

• Wondering what to get that special someone? Look no farther than your local Target. They've got the perfect gift. I'm recommending it for everyone on your Christmas or Chanukah gift list. So what if they've already got it? Get them the soundtrack!
  
• Rolling Stone listed the 500 best songs ever. Prince has 6 (7 if you count "Nothing Compares 2 U"), The Beatles have 23, and the Stones have 14. The number one song was "Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan. While I like the song, its no where NEAR the best song. To be the best rock song, you need a certain amount of ingredients. A face-melting guitar solo, a ground-shaking beat, emotional lyrics sung with conviction. That stupid Dylan song has none of that. So screw them.
  
• Speaking of lists, The AFI has released its list of the 400 best movie quotes. I seem to quote movies way too often. I found this list pretty good. Some of the old movies I had never seen. I couldn't find one of my favorite lines, its from Naked Gun: Frank Drebin (looking up at Priscilla Presley on a ladder): "Nice Beaver." Priscilla Presley: "Thanks I just had it stuffed" (as she comes down the ladder holding a stuffed beaver.) Pure comedy gold, people, gold I tells ya. I guess at the end of the year people like to see these types of lists as a way of looking back, reflecting on the year, trying to make a clean start in the new year. It never works. Its all the same crap.
  
• The Holiday Spice Pepsi is pretty good.
  
• BasketBrawl. These Basketball players are suspended after going after some rowdy fans. Hello, talking shit is part of the game. If these players are too stupid to realize that, and can't control themselves, send their overpaid, spoiled asses back to the playground in Compton.
  

I'm apparently stuffing

You Are the Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together. People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

1. Your most favorite gadget: Does the entire computer count? If not,then my cell phone. I has every number I need and it takes pictures and I can IM on it.
2. Your most useless: Webcam. Nobody wants to look at my ugly ass.
3. Your most useful: The Cell phone again.
4. Best-bargain gadget you've purchased: My cable modem was free, and I can't live a day without it.
5. The one you would love to receive this holiday season: DVD writer, 16x black to match my sexy box. (OK, post your snide remarks)

Sunday Brunch

"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

1) How do you cook your turkey? (Stuffing, spices, cooking bag, etcetera) The only time I've cooked turkey was at Golden Corral, and that process involved taking 4 to 5 round white balls of solid meat out of a plastic pack, and putting it in an oven for like 4 hours. Yum!
2) What is your favorite Thanksgiving dessert? Pecan Pie. Some people call them "pee-cans," but they're wrong. Its "P'cawn." And the pie is tasty.
3) What are you doing this year for Thanksgiving? Nothing. I ate alone at a Chinese restaurant last year, and will probably do it again this year.
4) Do you have any family traditions at Thanksgiving? I rarely see my family at Thanksgiving. I usually have to work or just wait until Christmas. So our tradition is not being together.
5) What one dish does it just not feel like Thanksgiving without besides turkey? Stuffing and Brown n' Serve^® rolls. Everything else is subjective.

Saturday Six

1. Other than news, sports, editorials and weather, which specific features or columns of the newspaper do you always read?
I read the entire 'Living' Section in the AJC. I like the 'vent'. For you non-ATLiens, thats where people send in one-liners about life in Atlanta. For example: "If Star Jones was truly a "star with stardom" she would have the finances for a star studded wedding."

2. When do you normally do your Christmas shopping? Have you started this year's, yet? Do you intend to spend more, less or the same this year versus last year? I do my shopping at the beginning of December. I make a list of people to buy for, and I set out on one day and get presents for them all. I haven't really started this year. I will probably spend the same as I did last year.

3. You're having a true "TV Dinner," made by a classic character: who would you rather have in the kitchen:
A) Aunt Bee from "The Andy Griffith Show"
B) Alice from "The Brady Bunch"
C) June from "Leave it to Beaver"
D) Edith from "All in the Family"
E) Claire from "The Cosby Show"
Aunt Bee, definately. She was always cooking good stuff like fried chicken and pies. I never saw Alice cook anything good, and June Cleaver's dinner probably is as bland as that show, and Edith probably doesn't have a good repertoire. While I'd like Claire Huxtable to be a dinner guest, because she's way more intelligent than the others, I've never seen her cook anything. She's a career woman and probably never had time to cook for all those damn kids.

4. What topic are you most sick of hearing about in J-Land? The fucking election. Its over, let it be. I'm also tired of the middle east. I know the Jews and Muslims are fighting and suicide bombing each other, but when it happens every day, who cares? Its half-a-world away. Seems to me, if I lived in a place where they had bombings and terrorism on a daily basis, I would've moved a long time ago. I know its the holy land, and one side thinks they have more of a right to it than the other, but how holy is a land where children get blown up. If they were smart, they'd be living the sweet life out in Southern California's beautiful San Fernando Valley! (Hit comments if you know what movie thats from) Ain't no bombing there.

5. What company is annoying you most with junk mail? Credit Card Companies. They constantly send me junk mail.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #32 from Chantal: What cheesy sitcom (from any era) most describes how you grew up? Your family, location, dynamics, details...
Herman's Head. Few people saw this sitcom when it was on in the early 1990s, but I identified with it. Its about a guy who had four people living in his brain. They each represented the different sides of his personality. A woman named Angel was his sensitive side, a fat guy named Animal was his lust side, a wimp was his anxiety side, and another nerdy guy was his intellect. Sometimes I feel like I have those four people yelling at me all the time. Or maybe thats just the voices in my head. That really doesn't describe my famly, etc. but I always liked that stupid show.

---

1. If you were a shoe, what would you look like? Red Wing Boot: Big, Black, and can survive a nuclear blast or some golden corral grease.
2. If you were a t-shirt, what would you say? Your name or logo here.
3. If your house caught on fire and was burning to the ground...what is the one thing you'd save and why? Nothing. I've been to at least 20 house fires, and written stories on hundreds more. People try to save things and wind up burned or dead. Nothing is that important. Your stuff can be replaced, but you can't.
4. If you were a book...would you read yourself? No way, how boring would that be?
5. If you could do anything at all (without consequences), what would you do I would do nothing different. Everything has consequences. You eat a piece of Aunt Bee's Apple pie, there are consequences. You hurt someone you love, there are consequences. You live your life, you go on, and try to learn from those consequences. If you could do something with no consequences, its probably something you shouldn't have done in the first place, or its something that doesn't matter.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving

Onesome: No one- ...to talk to? Nah, who is it you look forward to seeing at one of the holidays just to be able to sit around and chat with? Sure, even someone you see during the rest of the year! My 3 Uncles. The two from San Antonio are the funniest people I know. My Uncle in New Orleans is more of a close friend than a family member. I don't see any of them but once a year, but I'm always happy to spend time with them.

Twosome: diets- Have you ever tried one of the "fad" diets out there? Yes, I include Atkins in this category! How did it work for you? Would you do it again or try another one? I've tried them all. None work, I like to eat too much, and I don't like to exercise.

Threesome: on Thanksgiving- What's your favorite dish? Would you be happy just pigging out on turkey, or do you need all the fixings? Does the pumpkin pie make the meal or do you prefer Mom's green bean casserole I need all the fixings. I prefer green bean casserole. Pumpkin Pie tastes like vomit to me.
What about you? Hit comments, spread your Thanksgiving goodness, and let the Triptofan take over.

The Grey Video

I'm a big Jay-Z fan and a HUGE Beatles Fan. So I thought it was badass when DJ Danger Mouse came out with "The Grey Album." Jay-Z released an a capella version of his "Black Album" so people could mix it up on their computers, etc. There's been a ton of them out there. They mix other groups music with Jay-Z's rhymes. There's even one with Prince music called "The Purple Album." Anyway, they made a video for one of the songs on The Grey Album. Its called The Grey Video. I wish more performers had the open mind that Jay-Z has.

Fast Food Commercials That Take The Cake

I love McDonalds, but I have to say, if they had commercials like this here in the U.S., their sales would be through the roof. I now have a new appreciation for tomatoes. Those Japs get all the cool stuff first: Electronics, Karaoke, Anime, Bukakke. Not to be outdone by Mickey D's, Hardees offers up something just as tasty. Ironic that when you actually eat the product the hot chicks are advertising, you'll have zero chance of actually attracting said hot chick. Irony, thy name is fast food!

pros·e·ly·tize - To induce someone to convert to one's own beliefs

What album do you have that most people haven’t heard of and you would proselytize to your friends?

Paul's Boutique by The Beastie Boys. I've written about this disc before, I love it so much, one of my favorites of all time. Easily the most under-rated album of all time. Its like a musical funky hip-hop tapestry. You can listen to this CD over and over again and always pick out new samples and say, "Hey I recognize that little snippet." Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio and hear something they sampled and it'll catch my attention. The way its all weaved into a wonderful piece of work is amazing. It was released at just the right time... it was before lawyers sued cuz you used samples, but after sampling had become an artform. The Beastie Boys had huge success with License to Ill, and instead of just releasing another clone of that, they went in a totally different direction. In their quest to distance themselves from 'License To Ill,' they embarked on a totally new, experimental journey, and the rest of hip-hop followed. Their lyrics weren't all of the simple booze-backing 'Brass Monkey' or frat boy anthem "Fight For Your Right To Party" ilk. These lyrics had meaning, but with the Beasties trademark wit. Their random obscure references would make Dennis Miller scratch his head. "Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat" Do you know what he's talking about? (OK, thats an easy one!) Its a shame it wasn't more popular when it came out. The first two singles, "Shake Your Rump" and "Hey Ladies" did well, but after that it kinda fizzled. If you're at the used record shop and want to hear something thats fun, different, and worth a spin while you're driving, pick up Paul's Boutique.

What were his parents thinking??

Tonight's South Park was great. They were little news people. They had the cool coifs and everything!