The Best Prank Ever!

Yale students play the best prank ever on Harvard fans. It would probably be funnier if I went to one of those schools, but then hell would have frozen over. Several times.

A Badass Christmas

Back in 1999, instead of Christmas Cards I gave my friends a CD of the best Christmas tunes. Not your old ass Burl Ives singing Rudolph, mind you. This Yule Log of Funk had such classics as "Christmas In Hollis," "Please come home for Christmas" by The Eagles, and my favorite Christmas song, "The Hanukkah Song." I updated some of the songs for the 2003 version, which garnered much praise from my peeps. This year, I've gotten a request for a new Badass Christmas Collection. As the funkiest white man on the face of the planet, its my duty to spread some Christmas cheer via music. But I need some help. I need you, YES YOU, to send me some of your favorite Holiday tunes and the artist who did your favorite version. Just hit comments below, and remember to leave your email address. As an incentive, if you contribute a good song, I'll send you a CD when its done. With your help, and some illegal internet downloads, we'll have the most badass Christmas ever.

Evening Dispatch

• That freak will finally lose on Jeopardy! Tomorrow. Good. He should use his knowledge of trivial matters for good instead of financial gain. Yeah right.
  
• What the hell kinda name is Phinnaeus?
  
• Heidi Klum is going to shill for McDonalds. Will they show her puking up her happy meal at the end of the commercial?
  
• National Treasure was a pretty good movie. Not exactly an Indiana Jones flick, but not as gay as The Mummy.
  
• Cheese is as addictive as Morphine. I've been known to mainline Queso Blanco, Freebase Mozzerella, and Snort some Provalone. Save me from myself.
  
• Dan Rather is quitting CBS News. I'm sure you've all heard about it. I think its too bad. I think he's getting railroaded out of the job, after the whole memo thing. Sure he's goofy on election night with his down-home colloquialisms, sure he's kind of a stuffed shirt sometimes. OK, maybe its a good thing that he's quitting. Some of the names being tossed around as replacements include current White House Correspondent John Roberts, and Reporter Scotty Pelley. I think both of these guys would do fine, but neither has "star power." CBS is also said to be courting Matty Lauer and Timmy Russert. I think these guys are what CBS needs. A shot of adrenaline. Lauer has a youthful look and name recognition, and is a seasoned journalist. Russert is by far one of the best interviewers on TV today. I love his style, he even makes boring blather sound halfway interesting. Rather's stepping-down also makes me wonder if we even need the nightly network news anymore. Anyone who is interested in the news will want it ASAP, and will turn to one of the cable news networks. If people want different angles on stories, they'll surely get it there. A 24-news operation has much more time to dedicate to a story than a 30-minute newscast. I don't even think people are necessarily tuning in to see the different anchors. Surely names like Bill O'Reilly, Shephard Smith, Paula Zahn, Larry King, and Tony Harris are just as recognizable as Jennings, Rather and Brokaw. No matter what, I'm sure Dan will enjoy his time off:
  
  
• My heart skipped a beat when I saw there was a fatal accident in Canton today.

Christmas Shopping

"George Washington had a vision for this country. Was it three days of uninterrupted shopping?" -Jeff Melvoin, Northern Exposure

1) Do you enjoy shopping at the mall? No. Overpriced crap, too many people, too many punks, ugh. I'm glad I'm not a teenager anymore. I go in with a shopping agenda (to quote Fashionable Male Benny Affleck), get what I must and get out.
2) What is your favorite mall food? Orange Julius and Bourbon Chicken. All the other food is the same fast food you get at other places prepared by the same pimply-faced teens who would rather slit their wrists than look you in the eye and tell you to go to hell.
3) What are your three favorite “mall” stores? B. Dalton, Prints Plus, and Kay.
4) What is your favorite mall? Parkdale Mall in Beaumont, Texas. That was "my" mall as a young teenager. I liked it so much I got busted shoplifting there in the 7th Grade. I also like The Esplanade in New Orleans. That was "my" mall as an older teenager. I hung out there in that 2 year period between the point when I got my drivers license and when I was able to drink. At the time, Richie P and me walked around there talking about how stupid people at the mall were while perusing the latest CDs at the Wreka Stow. Speaking of Richie P, I been trying to e-mail yo ass for months. I must have a wrong email address. Send a brutha some e-mail goodness.
5) Do you have one special person that you enjoy going to the mall with the most? Yeah, Donald Trump.

Porn Wars

As an obvious follow up to "What Star Wars Euphemism For Masturbation" post, I give you....


Porn Wars

Call it a geek's wet dream, call it really sad, just don't call un-imaginative.

I know its not Tuesday, but....

Your Star Wars Masturbation Method Is: Evacuating Tatooine

Get your own Star Wars Masturbation Method

Saturday Six

Its been a few days since I posted anything noteworthy because of the holidays and stuff, so here's some new stuff for you to chew on. Feel free to hit comments and leave your answers or comments.

1. How long do your Thanksgiving leftovers usually last, and at what's the first non-Thanksgiving item you begin to crave when you tire of turkey? I usually don't cook the dinner, so the leftovers are left over at someone else's house.

2. Of the following, which would you most prefer to be located:
a) Interstate highway traffic jam
b) Slow-moving checkout line
c) Dentist's chair
definitely the traffic jam. At least I could listen to music or use the phone. I hate long checkout lines, because getting on with the rest of my life is determined by the ghettorat cashier who would rather polish the 3 foot fake fingernails and get her 'herrr did' than make the line go faster. And the jackasses in front of me are usually no better. Its usually a 104-year-old lady whose buying food to stock up a bomb shelter or feed the 3rd Infantry or something, and she stacks up one item at a time on the conveyer belt. That's why those self-checkout thingies at wal-mart are a Godsend. Then you just have to worry about the idiot who can't seem to operate the thing. They should put a sign there: "If you can't read simple 3rd grade directions, get in line with the other idiots. If you can walk and chew gum, you're ok here." And the Dentists chair is just torture, nobody wants that shit.

3. What is at the top of your personal Christmas gift wish list this year? I'm getting a big present later in the year.

4. What improvement would you most like to see added to AOL's Journal software? Hmmmm.. well I use neither AOL nor its journal software, so I can't really say. I do think its good for people on AOL who want to put up a blog like this. It seems to be pretty configurable and easy to use. Bravo AOL, I hate you [ ] that much less.

5. What seasonal movies do you most look forward to this time of year? I think I answered this. Is XXX Lesbian Fiesta IV a holiday film?

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #33 from Tara: What is your favorite classic 80's video game? I liked Pac-Man and Tron. And I liked Super Mario Brothers. I'm not a video games person.

I assure you, we're open.

Christmas came early! Thanks Uncle Kev! 
Though not from Clerks, its still a fine piece of prose:

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I can't do this any longer. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of you and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

How many times have you wanted to say something that great?

Music Mambo

If you could thank one artist/band for their contribution to your life, who would it be and why? Who do you think??? Prince of course.

What albums are you thankful that you purchased or heard this year? I've bought very few CDs since I download so much stuff. Most of the CDs I've bought were Beatles CDs. I'm thankful that I bought them. Its kind of an subtle link I have to my Dad's childhood. He used to run down to the record store and get Beatles LPs, and I ran down and got the CDs. So I'm thankful for the Beatles shamelessly re-releasing the same music over and over.

If you wanted to tell someone thanks in song, what song would it be? Adore. Look on the card.

What musical things are you thankful for? I'm thankful for Badass JamZ CDs, Janet's Boob popping out, The Musicology Tour, downloading that rare tune that nobody's heard, then everyone else catches on.

Afternoon Dispatch

• Wondering what to get that special someone? Look no farther than your local Target. They've got the perfect gift. I'm recommending it for everyone on your Christmas or Chanukah gift list. So what if they've already got it? Get them the soundtrack!
  
• Rolling Stone listed the 500 best songs ever. Prince has 6 (7 if you count "Nothing Compares 2 U"), The Beatles have 23, and the Stones have 14. The number one song was "Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan. While I like the song, its no where NEAR the best song. To be the best rock song, you need a certain amount of ingredients. A face-melting guitar solo, a ground-shaking beat, emotional lyrics sung with conviction. That stupid Dylan song has none of that. So screw them.
  
• Speaking of lists, The AFI has released its list of the 400 best movie quotes. I seem to quote movies way too often. I found this list pretty good. Some of the old movies I had never seen. I couldn't find one of my favorite lines, its from Naked Gun: Frank Drebin (looking up at Priscilla Presley on a ladder): "Nice Beaver." Priscilla Presley: "Thanks I just had it stuffed" (as she comes down the ladder holding a stuffed beaver.) Pure comedy gold, people, gold I tells ya. I guess at the end of the year people like to see these types of lists as a way of looking back, reflecting on the year, trying to make a clean start in the new year. It never works. Its all the same crap.
  
• The Holiday Spice Pepsi is pretty good.
  
• BasketBrawl. These Basketball players are suspended after going after some rowdy fans. Hello, talking shit is part of the game. If these players are too stupid to realize that, and can't control themselves, send their overpaid, spoiled asses back to the playground in Compton.
  

I'm apparently stuffing

You Are the Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together. People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

1. Your most favorite gadget: Does the entire computer count? If not,then my cell phone. I has every number I need and it takes pictures and I can IM on it.
2. Your most useless: Webcam. Nobody wants to look at my ugly ass.
3. Your most useful: The Cell phone again.
4. Best-bargain gadget you've purchased: My cable modem was free, and I can't live a day without it.
5. The one you would love to receive this holiday season: DVD writer, 16x black to match my sexy box. (OK, post your snide remarks)

Sunday Brunch

"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

1) How do you cook your turkey? (Stuffing, spices, cooking bag, etcetera) The only time I've cooked turkey was at Golden Corral, and that process involved taking 4 to 5 round white balls of solid meat out of a plastic pack, and putting it in an oven for like 4 hours. Yum!
2) What is your favorite Thanksgiving dessert? Pecan Pie. Some people call them "pee-cans," but they're wrong. Its "P'cawn." And the pie is tasty.
3) What are you doing this year for Thanksgiving? Nothing. I ate alone at a Chinese restaurant last year, and will probably do it again this year.
4) Do you have any family traditions at Thanksgiving? I rarely see my family at Thanksgiving. I usually have to work or just wait until Christmas. So our tradition is not being together.
5) What one dish does it just not feel like Thanksgiving without besides turkey? Stuffing and Brown n' Serve^® rolls. Everything else is subjective.

Saturday Six

1. Other than news, sports, editorials and weather, which specific features or columns of the newspaper do you always read?
I read the entire 'Living' Section in the AJC. I like the 'vent'. For you non-ATLiens, thats where people send in one-liners about life in Atlanta. For example: "If Star Jones was truly a "star with stardom" she would have the finances for a star studded wedding."

2. When do you normally do your Christmas shopping? Have you started this year's, yet? Do you intend to spend more, less or the same this year versus last year? I do my shopping at the beginning of December. I make a list of people to buy for, and I set out on one day and get presents for them all. I haven't really started this year. I will probably spend the same as I did last year.

3. You're having a true "TV Dinner," made by a classic character: who would you rather have in the kitchen:
A) Aunt Bee from "The Andy Griffith Show"
B) Alice from "The Brady Bunch"
C) June from "Leave it to Beaver"
D) Edith from "All in the Family"
E) Claire from "The Cosby Show"
Aunt Bee, definately. She was always cooking good stuff like fried chicken and pies. I never saw Alice cook anything good, and June Cleaver's dinner probably is as bland as that show, and Edith probably doesn't have a good repertoire. While I'd like Claire Huxtable to be a dinner guest, because she's way more intelligent than the others, I've never seen her cook anything. She's a career woman and probably never had time to cook for all those damn kids.

4. What topic are you most sick of hearing about in J-Land? The fucking election. Its over, let it be. I'm also tired of the middle east. I know the Jews and Muslims are fighting and suicide bombing each other, but when it happens every day, who cares? Its half-a-world away. Seems to me, if I lived in a place where they had bombings and terrorism on a daily basis, I would've moved a long time ago. I know its the holy land, and one side thinks they have more of a right to it than the other, but how holy is a land where children get blown up. If they were smart, they'd be living the sweet life out in Southern California's beautiful San Fernando Valley! (Hit comments if you know what movie thats from) Ain't no bombing there.

5. What company is annoying you most with junk mail? Credit Card Companies. They constantly send me junk mail.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #32 from Chantal: What cheesy sitcom (from any era) most describes how you grew up? Your family, location, dynamics, details...
Herman's Head. Few people saw this sitcom when it was on in the early 1990s, but I identified with it. Its about a guy who had four people living in his brain. They each represented the different sides of his personality. A woman named Angel was his sensitive side, a fat guy named Animal was his lust side, a wimp was his anxiety side, and another nerdy guy was his intellect. Sometimes I feel like I have those four people yelling at me all the time. Or maybe thats just the voices in my head. That really doesn't describe my famly, etc. but I always liked that stupid show.

---

1. If you were a shoe, what would you look like? Red Wing Boot: Big, Black, and can survive a nuclear blast or some golden corral grease.
2. If you were a t-shirt, what would you say? Your name or logo here.
3. If your house caught on fire and was burning to the ground...what is the one thing you'd save and why? Nothing. I've been to at least 20 house fires, and written stories on hundreds more. People try to save things and wind up burned or dead. Nothing is that important. Your stuff can be replaced, but you can't.
4. If you were a book...would you read yourself? No way, how boring would that be?
5. If you could do anything at all (without consequences), what would you do I would do nothing different. Everything has consequences. You eat a piece of Aunt Bee's Apple pie, there are consequences. You hurt someone you love, there are consequences. You live your life, you go on, and try to learn from those consequences. If you could do something with no consequences, its probably something you shouldn't have done in the first place, or its something that doesn't matter.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving

Onesome: No one- ...to talk to? Nah, who is it you look forward to seeing at one of the holidays just to be able to sit around and chat with? Sure, even someone you see during the rest of the year! My 3 Uncles. The two from San Antonio are the funniest people I know. My Uncle in New Orleans is more of a close friend than a family member. I don't see any of them but once a year, but I'm always happy to spend time with them.

Twosome: diets- Have you ever tried one of the "fad" diets out there? Yes, I include Atkins in this category! How did it work for you? Would you do it again or try another one? I've tried them all. None work, I like to eat too much, and I don't like to exercise.

Threesome: on Thanksgiving- What's your favorite dish? Would you be happy just pigging out on turkey, or do you need all the fixings? Does the pumpkin pie make the meal or do you prefer Mom's green bean casserole I need all the fixings. I prefer green bean casserole. Pumpkin Pie tastes like vomit to me.
What about you? Hit comments, spread your Thanksgiving goodness, and let the Triptofan take over.

The Grey Video

I'm a big Jay-Z fan and a HUGE Beatles Fan. So I thought it was badass when DJ Danger Mouse came out with "The Grey Album." Jay-Z released an a capella version of his "Black Album" so people could mix it up on their computers, etc. There's been a ton of them out there. They mix other groups music with Jay-Z's rhymes. There's even one with Prince music called "The Purple Album." Anyway, they made a video for one of the songs on The Grey Album. Its called The Grey Video. I wish more performers had the open mind that Jay-Z has.

Fast Food Commercials That Take The Cake

I love McDonalds, but I have to say, if they had commercials like this here in the U.S., their sales would be through the roof. I now have a new appreciation for tomatoes. Those Japs get all the cool stuff first: Electronics, Karaoke, Anime, Bukakke. Not to be outdone by Mickey D's, Hardees offers up something just as tasty. Ironic that when you actually eat the product the hot chicks are advertising, you'll have zero chance of actually attracting said hot chick. Irony, thy name is fast food!

pros·e·ly·tize - To induce someone to convert to one's own beliefs

What album do you have that most people haven’t heard of and you would proselytize to your friends?

Paul's Boutique by The Beastie Boys. I've written about this disc before, I love it so much, one of my favorites of all time. Easily the most under-rated album of all time. Its like a musical funky hip-hop tapestry. You can listen to this CD over and over again and always pick out new samples and say, "Hey I recognize that little snippet." Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio and hear something they sampled and it'll catch my attention. The way its all weaved into a wonderful piece of work is amazing. It was released at just the right time... it was before lawyers sued cuz you used samples, but after sampling had become an artform. The Beastie Boys had huge success with License to Ill, and instead of just releasing another clone of that, they went in a totally different direction. In their quest to distance themselves from 'License To Ill,' they embarked on a totally new, experimental journey, and the rest of hip-hop followed. Their lyrics weren't all of the simple booze-backing 'Brass Monkey' or frat boy anthem "Fight For Your Right To Party" ilk. These lyrics had meaning, but with the Beasties trademark wit. Their random obscure references would make Dennis Miller scratch his head. "Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat" Do you know what he's talking about? (OK, thats an easy one!) Its a shame it wasn't more popular when it came out. The first two singles, "Shake Your Rump" and "Hey Ladies" did well, but after that it kinda fizzled. If you're at the used record shop and want to hear something thats fun, different, and worth a spin while you're driving, pick up Paul's Boutique.

What were his parents thinking??

Tonight's South Park was great. They were little news people. They had the cool coifs and everything!

Mistaken Identity

It was a case of Mistaken Identity!
The world mourns the loss of Ringo Starr.

TV Tuesday

The Holidays are quickly coming upon us, what will be on your TV?
1. Any holiday favorites you can't live without? 'A Christmas Story' is one of my favorite Christmas movies. I also like 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Other than that, I'm not stuck on Holiday Movies. Why don't they show 'A Rich Little Christmas Carol' any more?
2. Holiday viewing: Parades or Football? HA! Parades without question. Unless I'm going to a football game, I couldn't care less about it.
3. What's your favorite holiday TV memory? Seeing Robbers-turned-pedophiles Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern chasing a pre-pubescent Macaulay Culkin around the house. Seriously, the holidays are a time to turn off the TV. There are more important things around you.
~Bonus~ Holiday remakes, are you a faithful fan of the old classics or do you prefer the newer versions? Depends on the movie or song. Jingle Bells vs. Jingle Bells sung by dogs... which do you think is better? White Christmas by Bing or White Christmas By The King? The King of course! The cartoon grinch vs. the Jim Carrey Grinch... There are countless others.
Hit comments and spew your Christmas bile all over this beeyotch.

This is hilarious!

The Ashlee Simpson Lip-Syncing Hoe-Down!

Privates OK, Private Ryan Not OK

I think its a funny that ABC stations had no problem showing the opening of Monday Night Football last night, but could not show Saving Private Ryan on Veterans Day. In the MNF piece, a naked Nicolette Sheridan, star of "Desperate Housewives," jumps into the arms of Eagles Wide Receiver Terrell Owen. I applaud ABC for having the balls to at least *try* and put something provocative on... but I give them a swift kick to the nuts for apologizing for it. Censorship has so many people gunshy. I say TV isn't trashy enough. There is a time and a place for everyone and everything. While 9pm on a monday night right before a football game might not be the place to show some steamy interracial action, I still think it has a place on TV. As long as there's no nudity or the "7 dirty words," put it on TV. Thats my censorship rant for tonight. I think its funny that the sports guy stood at my desk ranting and raving about how trashy it was, but then kept telling me to replay 9 times. Yep NINE TIMES. God Bless G.T.!

Inane Trivia spewed by The West Wing.

There is only one fruit that bears its seeds on the outside. Strawberries.
There are 3 words and 3 words only that start with the letters DW. Dwindle, Dwell, Dwarf.

Dirt McGirt

• I usually like awards shows, but the AMAs sucked ass. They were boring as hell. Even the newly-discovered Beatles video was boring. The only high point was an inebriated Anna Nicole Smith acting like her usual retarded self. Was anyone actually surprised she showed up shitfaced? In addition, Prince was nominated and lost. To Usher. Usher's cool, but he can't play the funk like Prince. Prince is actually going to make a movie with Usher next year. Ironic, ain't it?
  
• Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, the team that brought you "Edward Scissorhands" is now desecrating a classic movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. In my life, I've read the book a dozen times and watched the movie about a million times, and to tinker with a classic, that just sucks. Will Jar-Jar Binks be the leader of the Oompa-Loompas? Look at the picture of Johnny Depp, he looks like british queer. The filmmakers will probably quote the original, "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams," and therefore can ruin whatever childhood memory they want.
  
• The Richs-Macys tree snapped. I had to laugh. The old people who grew the tree for the last 25 years, were heartbroken. I feel bad for them, but ummm its just a damn tree.
  
• The latest sweeps stunt: make your anchor take off all her clothes in public. I can only hope that Fred Powers doesn't get wind of this.
  
• Can we really live in a world without Ole Dirty Bastard?
  

dis or dat

Shit you don't care to know about me:
1. bar soap or shower gel Bar Soap, its cheaper.
2. cd's or cassettes Neither, MP3s.
3. television movies or documentaries Movies. I see to much newsy stuff all day long. When I watch TV or go to the movies, I want it to be as far from reality as possible.
4. wall calendar or desk calendar desk calendar.
5. dsl, cable, or dial-up Cable. Dsl sucks ass, DSL providers suck ass even more. Earthlink can eat the peanuts out my shit.
6. summer or winter Summer. I live in the south for a reason.
7. city or country Definately the City.
8. camping or stay in a hotel Hotel. Even cavemen knew to come and sleep inside.
9. gold or silver Platinum baby.
10. fiction or non-fiction books Books? What are those?
11. mashed potatoes or baked potatoes Both!
12. ranch, italian, or catalina dressing Bleu Cheese. Especially on Pizza.
13. solid or spray deodorant solid.
Your turn. Hit comments.

i'm here for you. talk to me.

• Ole Dirty Bastard died in the studio. Godspeed ODB. Its shocking, since he led such a wholesome healthy lifestyle.
  
• Test your knowledge: Dogtoy or Dildo?
  
• Speaking of sex toys, how would you like a diamond encrusted vibrator? This, as opposed what its encrusted with now. :)
  
• SNL was funny last night. I haven't watched it in ages. I liked the Star Jones bit.
  
• Marlene said I look much happier. I agree.

Saturday Six

1. Who is the last house guest you invited into your home and was it a pleasant visit? My parents and Zoë. It was nice. We saw a ball game and watched TV.

2. Other than to work or school, where was the last place you drove? The Red Cross. I volunteer there on tuesday and thursdays.

3. In terms of emergency supplies, how many of the following do you have in your home? A) Candles B) Fresh batteries C) Containers of bottled water a)shitloads b)all that I can take out of my 50 remotes c)no bottled water, just one of those Brita thingies. Plenty of D.C. though!

4. You're invited to a pot-luck dinner: what specialty do you offer to bring? I make good spaghetti and meatballs. I'm Italian, its kinda a law.

5. Which of the following do you feel is the most true based on your own life experiences:
A) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Not true at all.
B) The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Very true, I work in live TV!
C) To have a friend, you must first be a friend. True
D) Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. A quote from the Godfather... but I have few enemies, and they stay far away from me.
E) Never judge a book by its cover. Most definately true.
F) The tree of knowledge bears the noblest fruit. MMMMMMM noble fruit. aarrgh.

6. We have all watched movies and TV shows that have inspired us to want to do what the characters in the show are doing, (doctors, lawyers, politicians, fire fighters, etc). Has there ever been program that you watched that made you realize that the occupation of the characters was something you could NEVER become? Almost all shows are like that. I wouldn't want to be a mafioso like on the Sopranos, an undertaker like on 6 Feet Under, or any type of doctor like on ER, or a lawyer like on any of the thousands of courtroom shows. I'd hate to be a homicide cop, except that I could wear short sleeves with a tie like Sipcowicz.

Drawing The Line

Where is the line between what you do and what you are?
Last night I interviewed a scared, teenage couple, whose 5-month-old son had been taken by a baby sitter. As I sat in their home asking them questions, the tears flowed from their eyes. I asked them to retell their story for the camera, with each detail, my heart broke even more. I can't imagine the pain they're going through, and as they talked it became clear to me, they didn't know what to do. They were lost in a community that may or may not help... and a police system that's bogged down already. My dilemma was how to keep down the lump in my throat... and still do my job, to look for that perfect soundbite that will make the story work. After I had asked them all the questions I needed... I felt like I had raked these poor people over hot coals. When I was done, I waited by the door while the photographer shot the baby's empty bassinett and the toys that will go unplayed with. The couple then embraced and bawled. I gave them the only comfort I felt I could offer in that situation. I told them I'd get the word out, and that someone will see this woman, and the police will find her. I felt drained as we drove off. Did I help these people? Or did I just capture the lead of the newscast? Would the circumstances be different if I was in their position? God Forbid, what if that was my kid? Would I want somebody asking me questions like that? I tried to be as diplomatic as I could. What more could I have done? Later that night, the mother called, and said someone told her they saw the babysitter with the child. I told her to call the police, she hadn't. She called me first. About 3 times in the middle of the night, I checked my voice mail, hoping they'd call and tell me the baby was found. No luck. Today, another reporter followed the story all day, and eventually someone saw the woman and the baby, and by the 6 o'clock news, the baby was back with the family. The mother said the babysitter brought the baby back because she saw herself on the news. As I watched the beautiful little 5 month old boy giggle and smile for the camera, I felt like I had played a very small part in making this happy ending.

Wake Up To Darth & Heidi!

Who wouldn't want to be awaken by Darth Vader and Heidi Klum? That's awesome. Who could offer such badass booty... Such pop culture prizes... Such quirky coolness? Target of course!

Four For Friday

Q1: If you were given the opportunity to perform in the circus, and you knew ahead of time that you would not fail, what would you do? High Wire or Lion Tamer. I would do it better than those fruits Sigfried and Roy. I'm not a fan of circuses. Cirque du Soleil was cool, but fruity like Sigfried and Roy.

Q2: You've just been hired to a promotions position at a major breakfast cereal company. What would you put in a new cereal box as a gimmick? If its a high-fiber cereal, I'd put a roll of toilet paper. If its a kids cereal, I'd put something that makes noise. That way when you see the commercial on TV or when you're in the store with your kids, and you see the box, it'll remind you of the noise. In other words, a multi-sensory memory is more powerful than a single sensory memory (i.e. taste only).

Q3: Who is the most famous or well known person you've had a face-to-face encounter with? Bunches in the last year... Matt Damon, John Travolta, Duran Duran, Jerry Springer, Kevin James, and a few others. I met George Carlin at a book signing last month. He was a dick. The other day, I was at my desk and looked up and Joe Montana walked by. It took me by surprise that a football legend would just walk by. I said hi, and that was it. It was surreal.

Q4: Can you comfortably eat alone in a restaurant with nothing to do at the table but eat, i.e., nothing to read, no earphones to hear music thru, no one to talk with, etc.? What about going to the movies alone? I can eat alone with nothing to do. I usually find something to do, make little stick men out of the straw wrapper and sweet-n-low packets, or play with my phone or something. I've only gone to the movies alone like twice, and that was only because I had to watch the movie because I was going to interview one of the stars, and they like you to know something about the flick, so you don't ask stupid questions.

Arafat's Death

Finally somebody got it right.
He was a monster. Save your happy tributes.

Political Coverage

1. Do you watch political coverage? If so, how much? I watch a lot because its part of my job. When I'm not working, I can't stand it. I think two people arguing, and not listening to the other side is useless. Two people who refuse to listen to the other is not good. Its not good TV. No one learns anything, and no one acknowledges that the other side could actually have a point.
2. Does political coverage effect how you vote? I guess subliminally it does. But the so-called unbiased media is so biased, and I can see it sooo blatantly. So screw them. They aren't educating anyone or even opening political discourse. "I'm right! NO, I'm right!" What can you learn from that?
3. Do you think the up to the minute coverage of returns effects those who haven't yet voted? For stupid people it does. The informed, educated people know who they're voting for.
~Bonus~ Do you think there should be guidelines for political ads? For example, banning putting other candidates down. No, that would be infringing on freedom of speech. I do believe it needs to be true.
Courtesy of TV Tuesday

Tara Reid Is Stupid

1. Do you download music? I have been downloading music since 1997. My first two songs: "Virtual Insanity" and "Falling In Love is hard on the knees."
2. What program do you use to download? Kazaa Lite, Agent & Direct Connect
3. What are the last 3 songs you downloaded? Garbage - "#1 Crush", Trick Daddy - "Let's Go", Kill Bill Theme.
4. Suggest a song for me to download. Tower Of Power - "What Is Hip"
5. Once you've downloaded do you burn CDs? or just listen off the computer? Both, but just the Badass JamZ make it to CD.

Music

Music made me the person I am today because.......
The first time I heard Prince, I knew that I was The Funkiest White Man On The Planet.

Boybands make me want to HURL!.

Funk makes me want to get up and dance.

The Beatles is my favorite Band, because they did great music before anyone else. Nobody could touch them. They emerged at the right time, had the right sound, and the right look. The were perfect.

If I want to relax, I listen to the crappy Jazz station.

If it weren't for Prince, I never would have listened to Old School Funk.

Music is the language that it brings people together from every different social strata. It evokes a common emotion shared by millions of people. Imagine 20,000 white, black, young, old, rich and poor people all singing the same song... all smiling, screaming and clapping together. However, each of those 20,000 people have a different memory of that particular song, but yet they're all together. You think a politician can evoke that kind of emotion? or a motivational speaker? No way. That's not to say how performing and writing music can heal and be cathartic. That's why I have about 1,000 cds laying around the floor of the Xterra!
What do you think?

The Logo. Use it on your web page if you want to link back to my page. If you do, lemme know I'll give you a shout back. 

Three Things:

1. ...you cannot live without. High Speed Internet, Cable, Sinus Tablets.
2. ...you CAN live without, but cannot seem to part with. fat, junk food, old computer parts.
3. ...you wish to accomplish this COMING week. car wash, dry cleaners, get the tech page up and running.
4. ...you have accomplished this PAST week. VOTED! Installed new speakers in The XTerra, made this blog from scratch.
5. ...on your holiday (or non-holiday) 'wish list.' DVDs, DVD Writer, More speakers for the XTerra!
6. ...you would like to change about yourself. Everything, Anything, All of The Above.
7. ...you like about yourself. I'm a damn good writer, I have a scary amount of trivia in my head, I'm the funkiest white man on the face of the planet.
8. ...you should be doing right now instead of what you ARE doing. Sleeping, Washing Dishes, Finding a job.
9. ...in your life that could use a little more organization. finances, future, my schedule.

Elvis Has Left The Building 

Don't Fear The Reaper

"Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription... is more cowbell!"

---

Ah, Love.

Revenge Of The Sith

Today they released the trailer for Episode III. I wasn't as excited as I was for the other two. Anyone whose seen the other 5 movies, can probably guess what happens. But it was still cool as hell to see the outfit unveiled and hearing The Emporer say, "Rise Lord Vader." OK I'm a nerd. Fuck you, I thought it was cool. When Episode I came out, I actually got a lump in my throat when I saw the trailer, because it had been 16 years between movies. Then the movie came out and it was mediocre. Then Episode II came out, and it kinda made up for it. Hell, the Yoda light-saber scene was more badass than the entire Episode I. But what's up with the stupid names? "The Phantom Menace" means absolutely nothing. And "Attack of the clones" is a 30s sci-fi movie... not nearly suitable for the pivotal chapter in the greatest sci-fi story ever told! Now we have "Revenge Of The Sith." Another attempt by George Lucas to add a word to our pop culture lexicon. Much like "Jedi," "Ewok" and "Wookiee." So for now I'm cautiously optimistic about Episode III, as long as it doesn't include Jar-Jar, or have Greedo Shooting first.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Life Is Good! I got my Oprah-sized Christmas Vacation approved. So the countdown is on! Every once in a while things go in your direction. Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. Today, I am the victor! I've worked long and hard like Ron Jeremy for this time off, now I can enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Reality TV

1. Do you watch reality shows? Which ones? I used to watch Ozzy before it went "Hollywood." I think I just watch "The Surreal Life" when its on. All the other ones are boring as hell. Who gives a shit that some dork on an island can't find the best way to sell something, so Donald Trump votes him off.
2. What's your favorite all time reality show? The Osbournes in the beginning. Maybe the 1st season of "The Real World" from back in the day.
3. Do you feel "reality" shows are real or are they faked? They're fake as hell. People doing immunity challenges on an island is not real. Seven mentally-unstable people living in a phat pad in a posh area of town is not reality. Flavor Flav and Brigette Nielson in the same house is not reality.
~Bonus~ If your life was a reality show what would it be called? "Watching Paint Dry"
What would be the story line that kept people coming back? Fat Dork finds new and inventive ways of screwing up seemingly simple things.
~Bonus 2~ If you could create a reality show of your choosing what would it be about Easy, it would be in a real newsroom. If you heard some of the weird shit, and knew some of the weirdos I've encountered in my years doing this... it would get better ratings than anything on the air. It would feature characters such as these: An Amazonian He-She that roams the halls like Sasquatch... a Ritalin-deprived stoner who spews his opinion at volume 11... the sports guy just beamed down from Planet Mars... The dreadlocked idiot who got fellatiated by a hooker in a live truck.. The guy who got busted because he brought back a borrowed VCR with a gay porn tape in it. It would be better than anything else on the air.

---

Hallelujah
Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
and love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

First Avenue Closed

The club made famous by Purple Rain is closing! How sad. I visited First Avenue when I visited Minneapolis. I didn't get to go in, it was during the day, and closed. A lot of bands made it big after playing First Avenue (to quote the movie!). In the mid-80s, it was a hub for the Minneapolis sound. While most would say, "So what?" Just the fact that there is a Minneapolis Sound is incredible. Its a town in the middle of the snow! They roll up the sidewalks at 10pm! Except for the Denny's and Perkin's! Anyway, its a shame this music landmark is closing.

2 Pimps, what a SHOCKER! 

Kerry Concedes

In about 15 minutes John Kerry is going to concede the election. I knew last night when he wasn't going to get Ohio that his goose was cooked. Look at the map, Kerry didn't get the South or the Midwest. You cannot win a national election without two MAJOR sections of the country. I think Kerry's main problem is that he didn't capture the country's imagination. He was a putty-faced stodgy New Englander who can't identify with the rank-and-file. George W is the uncle that taught you how to make underarm farts. Maybe the democrats will learn YET AGAIN how to get someone decent elected.

Technical Stuff

Since this site is new I figured I'd put some technical info about its creation, and some other bull.
Do you.....
1. Code your own website or use a template? I use a template that I've tweaked to hell. On the old site, I coded the whole thing with dreamweaver. For this one, I wanted something quick and easy. I set the whole thing up in one afternoon while at work. How productive am I??
2. Use a digital camera or a film camera? If digital, do you print your own pictures, order them online, or send them out? I use the little camera on my phone sometimes. My other camera is a 35mm. I've used it like twice in the last 2 years.
3. Make your own cards or buy them at a card shop? Even though there are hundreds of programs for creating your own cards on the computer, I think its kinda cheezy.
4. Draw your own graphics or get them from the internet? Both. I find its much easier to steal them, like the sexy one to the right. If I want something specific, I'll do it myself.
5. Take showers or baths? Guess.
6. Make your own candles or buy them? And are they soy or paraffin? Buy them. And I don't know what "paraffin" means.
7. Celebrate Halloween or not? Yep, I'm dressed as Hasselhoff in the picture above! Actually the real pictures from this year are coming soon. This year's celebration wasn't as fun for me, I was somewhat depressed.
8. Sleep in on weekends or get up early even if you don't have to go to work? Starting this weekend, I'm sleeping in like a mufuka!! But on my days off I usually have something to do, so I have to get up early anyway.
9. Correct other people's grammar, or just let it go? Depends on the person that makes the mistake. I'm a writer, its my job to not only use correct grammar myself, but also to correct other people's grammar before it hits air. It also depends on the situation. If I'm talking to Leroy the Spunk-mopper down at the Porn Emporium ™, I'm not going to tell him he used a dangling modifier or that he ended his sentence with a preposition. For the most part, when I hear someone butcher the english language or spell stuff really badly, it does tend to grate my nerves.

What about you? Hit Comments and answer the questions. C'mon, its fun!

Its Poll-a-Palooza '04!!

Its 8:00 and the big red and blue map on the news is blinking like a Christmas Tree. I think its so funny how this time around the networks are being so conservative. Every chance they get I hear Dan Rather saying, "We're being conservative." This has been such a decisive race, the nation is so polarized. My vote for president was basically useless. Georgia was called for Bush before the polls even closed. Yay Hillbillies! My brother is a Bush-backer, he told me tonight he figured out why I'm voting for Kerry. He thinks its because I'm in "the media." Well that's true. The Bush Administration has backed a climate of censorship in the media that was touched off with the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. So if voting for Kerry will allow me to listen to whatever I want to listen to or watch whatever I want to watch... so be it. I'm not a liberal, I'm not a conservative, and I'm neither Republican nor Democrat. I vote my conscience, I vote for what will impact me. Stifling the First Amendment affects me, so screw Bush.
If Bush stays in office, he'll no doubt send more troops to Iraq, and eventually he'll need to send more troops. There's talk he'll re-instate the draft. I don't want my kid having to deal with a draft... nor do I want anyone else's kid to be sent to some shithole to kill people they don't know. Is your life any different, much less safer, because we liberated Iraq? Fuck no. If the election had been held right after 9/11, I would've voted for Bush. But instead he squandered the admiration and respect many people had for him. Just like Janet's boob gave the conservatives a ticket to impede upon free speech, 9/11 gave them a ticket to invade Iraq. They were planning to invade Iraq long before 9/11, they just needed a reason. So while AMERICANS are dying in Iraq, Osama bin Laden is running around footloose and fancy free. Sure we liberated Afghanistan and Iraq, but Afghanistan needed to be liberated because it harbored the terrorists that attacked us. Iraq just lost a war 13 years ago. Do I think Iraqis are better off than they were 4 years ago? Yes. Do I think Americans are? NO. More Americans died in Iraq because of Bush than died on 9/11. Where's the logic? What's the frequency, Kenneth? I hope Kerry wins, but its 12:45 and it looks like he may not.

In the meantime:

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Election Jokes
10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all."
9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'"
8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling."
7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party."
6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for."
5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes."
4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches."
3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state."
2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election."
1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."

The First Rant

This is the new web page. ChasTV.com is gone. Its time to cut ties. ChasTV had a good 5 year run. Now its time to let it go. I had set it up to pretty much be maintenence-free... but all the non-blog stuff was just kinda secondary to the rants themselves. So now I'm going the minimalist route, just using this to spout my shiznit. Hope you like it, and as always, please leave a comment or email me with your thoughts. Later today I'm sure I'll be spouting my thoughts about the election. Until then, just please vote.