I ain't no Hollaback Girl

I haven't been feeling creative lately, so here you go, anyway.
The Music Memoirs:
First recording artist you had a crush on. Olivia Newton John in Grease. I was 4. I knew I wanted the leather-slut Sandy, not the puking at the quasi-lezbo slumber party Sandy.

First band you obsessed over. Ozzy. I was the only kid in 4th grade with an Ozzy T-shirt. Ahhh the 80s. :) He's got some neurological disease that gives him the shakes. I feel sorry for him, cuz he's been shit on left and right... and those kids, and that wife, and all those fuckers leeching at his house. Poor Bastard.. poor poor bastard.

First song you wanted to forget I dunno, I forgot.

First song that you liked but none of your friends liked. I was the only kid I know who listened Prince. So I caught shit from my friends all the time. Now when I was front row at the Prince show, I had 6 people saying they wish they had my seat.

George W. Bush Jacked Off A Horse

This is relief for anyone whose ever been an apartment dweller. Its the Revenge CD. Here's a look at the funky trax:

1) Drill; 2) Party (At Least 200 People); 3) Orgasm (Outstanding); 4) Train; 5) Drum (Played by a Child); 6) Inhuman Screams; 7) Walking (High Heels); 8) Domestic Squabble; 9) Doors Banging; 10) Bowling; 11) Unhappy Dog; 12) Practicing Scales (Violin); 13) Traffic Jam; 14) Garbage Truck; 15) Newborn; 16) Phone Ringing; 17) Ball Game; 18) Pigeons; 19) Spring Cleaning; and 20) Cock-a-Doodle-Doo!

To all those messikins who insist upon playing the Mexico's Top Hits at all hours of the night... payback's a beeeech, vato! Its like a Tijuana disco up there. I can just imagine leaving that CD on for hours while I'm at work. Ahhh. Sweet Revenge.

Speaking of revenge, the runaway bride's husband needs to get as far away from this bug-eyed psycho bitch as soon as possible. He says he still wants to marry her, after she ran off, and sparked a manhunt. He's admirable for sticking by this broad, but dayum, what an idiot.

Other shit (besides the fucking runaway bride) in the news that annoys me:

Michael Jackson Trial - Fry him or let him go, just be done with it.
The ABC American Idol Exposé - Who gives a shit. Reality TV is not real? Imagine that. So the douchebag with no talent got slighted by another douchebag with no talent. Is this really a big deal? There are people starving to death in this country, giving hand jobs for crack, living out on the street, smart kids not able to go to college because its too expensive... but ABC chooses to expend its journalistic efforts on exposing Paula Abdul's penchant for young hot cock.
Laura Bush's 'Desperate Housewives' Comment - Yet again, who cares. So she does a few jokes that someone else wrote. Lighten the fuck up. They're jokes. So she made a joke about George W. Bush jacking off a horse. Woooo... how risqué! She joked about going to a strip bar with other uptight Washington biddies. You can't do anything without pissing someone off.

What my birthday means.

Your Birthdate: February 18

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others. Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Sunday Brunch

1. What do you tend to focus on the most?
A. The past.
B. The present.
C. The future as you think it will be.
D. The future as you are afraid it will be.

The future as I think it will be. If you live in the past and go backwards, you'll never go forward, or get anything new. Like my Dad always says, "If you do what you always did, you gonna get what you always got." Onward and Upward. Nobody can make your future for you. Do what you have to do to make your future what you want it to be. A dream without a plan is just an activity.

2. Name three famous people (living or dead) whose blogs you would like to be able to read. Prince, John Lennon, Ron Jeremy.



3. How long have you lived in your current residence? How much longer do you intend to live in the same place? We've lived in this shithole for like 10 months, and we're getting out ASAP. Soon as the new house is ready, we're outta here. Pix of it is in the flickr.

4. Take the pointless quiz: What color is your heart? Black.

6. RAPID FIRE Question #2: Who or what is the most annoying:
a) Politician George W. Bush
b) Late Night Talk Show Host Jay Leno. "Have you seen this, have you heard about this?"
c) Color Periwinkle. Actually I'm colorblind, so they all are annoying.
d) Habit Smoking. If you want to inhale smoke and carcinogens, do it so it doesn't invade my airspace, bitch.
e) Female Celebrity Paris Hilton, Star Jones, Rosie O'donnell, J-Lo, The list goes on.
f) Male Celebrity Anyone affiliated with American Idol.
g) Television Show American Idol
h) Commercial The biracial life partners in the AOL commercial (see the other post )
i) Fashion Statement Trucker Hats. Even more when they're sideways.
j) Word Blog

Thanx 2 Patrick's Place

And I Ran... I Ran So Far Awaaaay...

Yay Georgia! Another reason for the rest of the country to laugh at us! The Runaway Bride story happened in the same city they found the guy who went on a shooting rampage at the courthouse. Where was Geraldo Rivera? Yall knew I couldn't resist spewing some bile on this bug-eyed spoiled sack of shit. After hours and hours of people looking for her... it turns out she got "cold feet" over her wedding. I'm waiting for every person who spent days looking for her to smack her upside the head. I'm waiting for them to come up with some bullshit excuse like "she had emotional problems," or "she was taking Xanax and couldn't think straight." Puh-leeze. Lets call it like it is, a spoiled bitch threw a tantrum, and thousands of people paid for it. So she got cold feet about a wedding, no big deal, but if you're gonna run off, leave a fucking note. Do the world a favor. If you don't want to get married, just say so, get it over with, so everyone can get on with their lives. I feel for the soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. This poor bastard got the shit end of the stick. Not only did his woman run off, but he's been on TV for 3 days saying how much he misses her, now he's looking like a jackass. The only good thing, he saw what kind of psycho bitch she was before he walked down the aisle. He turned out to be the victim here. Now this guy's gonna be scared shitless the next time he's in a relationship. Everytime the next girl goes to the store or something, he's gonna be wondering if she's coming back. Wondering if whatever he did to set off the first chick is going to set this one off, and she's going to do the same thing. In her one huge selfish act, she left a scar on this guy's heart that won't ever fully heal. Imagine whats going through his head now... "what did I do?" "what did I say?" The guy tried to do everything right, and now look what he's left with. The ruins of what could've been... and a little relief over bullets dodged. Would her apologies be worth anything? He might smile and say he still loves her, but he knows she'll run away again. Maybe not for Las Vegas and spark a nationwide manhunt... but he'd be a fool to say they're still getting married. I'm sure they'll go there separate ways and try to avoid anyone who heard of this story.

Now here's the real news: Jennifer Wilbanks Too Annoying to remain Kidnapped

More Star Wars Hype!

The posters just ain't what they used to be... or are they what they used to be?

Blame Canada!

I usually laugh heartily when I see someone forget the words to a song, or slip and fall on the ice with thousands of people watching... but when all of those things happen at the same time...

I laugh uncontrollably.

I feel for the poor lady, but dayum, you gotta take certain precautions. Jeeez.

I also found an interesting extension for firefox, its the "Abe Vigoda Status" plug-in. Its useful if, from time to time, you need to know if Abe Vigoda is alive or dead. Today: Alive. For the record, I'm pretty sure Abe could both sing the national anthem with all the words intact, and stand on ice at the same time. He was in The Godfather for Chrissakes.

Just in case the make slavery legal again...

I am worth $1,959,252.00 on HumanForSale.com.

Now, how much to rent, I wonder...

The Old Negro Space Program

Who knew there was a Negro Space Program. It was a concerted effort by the government and the press in the 50s and 60s to keep the blackstronauts down. Now in the 21st century, its our duty as a civilized society to pay homage to these brave souls. All I can say is, its a good thing Buzz Aldrin could pass off as black! Do your part, watch the documentary.

More Funner Than Regis

1. What season are you in right now? Pollen.
2. Do you celebrate anything special this time of year? I have many reasons to celebrate this special time of year... so yes.
3. Name 3 things that come to mind when you think of spring (or your current season)? a)Pollen b)Sinus Problems c)The 2nd half of the school year.
4. In the current season, about how many hours of the day are daylight hours? Uhhh about 12.
5. Do you do any 'spring cleaning?' Yeah, I clean about once a year.
6. Do you wash your own car or take it to the car wash? take it to the car wash because a) I'm lazy, and b) I'd have to wait in line behind the mexicans to use the car wash at this horrible apartment complex.
7. Do you hang your laundry out on a clothesline on nice days? What are we back in the pioneer days? I have this new invention called a "dryer." It flips them around and blows hot air on them.

Monday Music Mambo:
01. This favorite 90s sitcom didn't really have a theme song, just a bass guitar line. Seinfeld
02. What show's theme song closes with the words "Hello, Wisconsin!"? That 70s Show. Its called "That 70s Song."
03. Danny Elfman composed the theme to this animated favorite. The Simpsons. He also did 'Tales from the Crypt,' The Batman movie and a ton of other movies. Besides being a founding member of "Oingo Boingo."
04. When, according to the theme song, did the action in "Mystery Science Theater 3000" take place? In the year 3000? I never watched that show.
05. The three "CSI" shows use songs by what band for their themes? The Who. They are: "Who are you"(csi), "Baba O'Reilly"(csi:ny), and "Won't get fooled again"(csi:miami)
06. Frank Sinatra's "Love and Marriage" was used as the theme for what show? Married With Children.
07.What music legend sang the theme for "A Different World?" Aretha Franklin.
08. Mark Snow composed the theme to this 90s sci-fi series. The X-Files (guess)
09. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants
10. The O'Jays' "For the Love of Money" is now better known as the theme to what show? The Apprentice. MoneyMoneyMoneyMoooonaaaay
11. This show used "Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett as its theme. No idea, I vaguely remember a show used it.
12. "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs" was the theme to what show? Frasier.
13. Where was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air born and raised? Philadelphia
14. Hank Williams, Jr. adapted one of his more popular songs for this long-running sports show in the 90s. Monday Night Football is the show, "All my rowdy friends" is the song.
15. "This Wheel's on Fire" by Bob Dylan and Rick Danko was re-recorded for the theme to what show? NO idea.
16. "Dog Pound Hop" was the title of the theme from this weird animated show. No idea.
17. War's "Low Rider" is the theme to what current sitcom? The George Lopez Show. The only famous guy to ever come out of my alma mater is a bit player on that show. Go Pan-Am!

Godspeed, chastv.com, Godspeed

The chastv.com domain is going away. So if you got here via that, change your bookmark to chaswelch.com. Click here to open it in another window and then hit control+d in Firefox or Internet Explorer. 

The Worst Commercial, Ever. Who are these assholes? If, in the year 2005, someone has a computer and doesn't know what anti-virus software does, HE SHOULDN'T BE USING A COMPUTER. And if he has to be taught by a back dude putting shit all over his lunch, then he should be shot. AOL... Assholes On Lithium. 

Have you seen this, have you heard about this?

The second most retarded kid on South Park not only gets dates with 4th graders, he goes to hookers, most notably Nutgobbler, and he has car chases with Pimps! And still manages to kill on stage with his observational comedy. How does he do it all? Jimmy is becoming one of my favorite South Park Kids. He's no Cartman, tho.  

Friday Feast

Q1: Do you like your office space? Why or why not? I like the movie Office Space. I don't really have a cube or a desk or anything. I find a computer and work my magic from there.

Q2: Have you ever changed a flat tire on an automobile? If you never have, do you think you'll be able to if and when the time comes? Once or twice. I watched a guy do it a few weeks ago. :) I think unless you drive it off-road or run over something sharp, with regular maintenence, you won't get a flat tire.

Q3: Joseph Ratzinger, now known as Pope Benedict XVI, is being characterized by some as a hero to the conservative wing of the Catholic Church, and by others as something of a Darth Vader figure to liberal Catholics. Despite your religious affiliation, how do you feel about Ratzinger's selection as Pope? See my previous rant. I'm sure the guy's done some good work, I just don't agree with his ultra-conservative views. But if he's really Darth Vader, I may change my views. :)

Q4: A privately supported, not-for-profit membership organization, National Public Radio (NPR) serves more than 750 independently operated, noncommercial public radio stations, each of which serves local listeners with a distinctive combination of national and local programming. Do you listen to NPR? If you do listen to NPR, have you ever made a donation to support its efforts? If you do listen but have never made a donation, do you think you ever will? Why or why not? I'm knee-deep in news all day, I sure as hell ain't gonna listen to that boring, monotone crap. The real news is boring enough. As for a donation, why the fuck would I pay for it? Its like the PBS pledge drive. Why would I help support TV that sucks? If they want some donations, put on some good stuff. Can't they play "Sopranos" reruns, or at least "Mama's Family" reruns? Their reality show 'Colonial House' shows people bathing naked in a lake, but do they show anything good? Hell no. Show a little T&A, then maybe they'd get some donations. It takes one show to launch a network. South Park launched Comedy Central, Queer Eye launched Bravo, The Valerie Bertinelli/Meredith Baxter Birney "Cancer-stricken abducted-kids-by-an-ex with an eating-disorder divorcee, but I have a plucky spirit and I'm fighting back" movie launched Lifetime. Show some shit people wanna watch, and give them more than a tote bag when they do.

1. How many locations (dwellings) have you lived in? About 20... soon to be 21.

2. If you could place your dream home in any location, where would it be? On a beach somewhere, within walking distance from a Best Buy.

3. In terms of the act of moving: are you a packer or a box mover? Packer. I pay messikans to do the moving. I went to college so my fat ass don't have to do manual labor. I think Manuel Labor is the guy who moved my stuff here. Gracias, Manuel, gracias.

4. What one item do you own that you absolutely hate to move? Ask Manuel. :) Seriously, the computer and stereo stuff is a pain to move because I have a birds nest of wires behind them that I have to sort out.

5. What's worse: the act of moving or a routine cleaning at the dentist? Moving, definately. Teeth cleaning just takes an hour, and if you do it twice a year it isn't an ordeal. And sometimes the hot hygenist flops her boobs in your face.

Appetizer: Name something that helps you fall asleep. Listening to music or reading... or listening to NPR.

Soup: Who brings out the best in you? I have no best to bring out.

Salad: What do you like to do on a rainy day? I do my regular routine, I just drive a little slower.

Main Course: Complete this sentence: In our home, we never have enough... Quesadilla fixin's and Sinus Tablets.

Dessert: Which shoe do you put on first? Right.

Really Limp Bizkits

Who knew it would be possible for Fred Durst to look like more of a tool than he does today? Here's the proof..

Dutch Oven

If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Invisibility. You would see so much cool shit. People do weird shit when they think no one's looking.
Onesome: Domain--Hypothetically, if you could own any domain name you wanted, what would it be and why? chas.com. Apparently its owned by a Swedish Death Metal band.
Twosome: Name-- Are you called by something other than your legal name? If not, have you ever had a nickname? Or done something weird with your name, to try and stand out? Like an odd spelling or a slightly different pronunciation? Or just flat out wanted to change your name? To what?Its kinda obvious what Chas is short for. Spelling it with an 's' and pronouncing it with a 'z' seems to flummox some people. People would ask, "Is your name Chase?" I tell them "Chase is a verb, Chas is a noun." I wish I could take credit for having a unique name, but it was my Grandfather's nickname when he was a kid. He grew out of it, I apparently did not. :)
Threesome: Renewal--Do you have any magazine or other subscription that is an absolute 'must renew' whenever you get the notice? Nah, I get magazines for free, and there's nothing that important in a magazine that I can't live without. Especially with the internet, anything in print is usually online.

In other news, I hear there's a new Bennifer. A stronger, meaner one. Bennifer v2.0. I can't wait until the media ruins this one.

I also wrote a story yesterday about a Vietnam Vet that spit tobacco juice in Jane Fonda's face. That is so funny. The guy had an opinion, and he expressed it. Jane Fonda insulted a lot of people who were putting their lives on the line. Whether or not the U.S. belonged in Vietnam, these guys went over there and put their lives on the line because their country called. They fought in a war many people thought was wrong, he deserves the right to express his opinion.

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can you hear me when I Sing?
You're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

American Pie Actress Turns To Bestiality

Every while in a once, I run across a story that just makes me laugh out loud. This broad from American Pie & The Slums of Beverly Hills, Natasha Lyonne, flipped out and told her neighbors "I'm going to sexually molest your dog." And you thought pie-fucking was bad. This woman's been in a ton of those teen flicks, then she went nuts. I think its funny to see the mighty fall. Not that she was so "mighty," but she's been in more hit movies than me. Rule of thumb, if you're even halfway famous, know that every time you shit, some douchebag's gonna comment on it. That would be me. Apparently the crazy dog-fucker is still on the loose, so lock up your puppies.

Gary Fights the Flu

Kevina.TV - Gary The Retard Fights the Flu

Freakin hilarious! Plus great animation.

It was a good laugh at the end of a horrible day.

---

In other news, they elected a Nazi Youth Pope. He worked for the Nazi's Airborne Panzers, and guarded a BMW plant staffed with Jews from the Dachau Concentration Camp. Nice. The guy looks like Hannibal Lecter. I hate to put a negative spin on a guy whose a holy man, but this is 2005, and I'm a cynical prick. It was politics that got this guy elected. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was known as "God's Rottweiler" and "The Enforcer." He was the guy who told the "liberal" John Paul II to be more conservative. Expect new tirades against Gays, Stem Cell Research, Women Priests, Abortion and Birth Control. From The Guardian:

As head of the powerful Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Ratzinger disciplined dissidents, backed John Paul in resisting reforms sought by liberals and urged caution in pursuing relations with other Christian denominations.

Do you know what the "Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith" was formerly called? THE INQUISITION. We're all inclusive" says the Catholic Church, now do what we say, not what we do. I am amazed at the Hypocrisy.