Dayum I should update this piece mo often.
Let's catch up. How've you been? Did that thing on your ass cheek heal? Oh congratz.
Anywayz, here's this:
The Super Bowl: The Saints won. My hometown team. I don't watch football, I don't really care beyond whether the Saints win or lose. But I had to get behind their road to the Super Bowl because of something else: The healing power it has over the city. In the four and a half years since Katrina, the city went from having the country's pity to having the country's envy. And that transcends a game, a fan chant, or any lawsuit surrounding it.

The Academy Awards: I actually made a point to watch some of the movies nominated this year. Here are my thoughts:
The Hurt Locker: (Best Picture winner, et al) Long, but really good. It kept my attention, which is my litmus test.
Inglourious Basterds: (Best supporting actor)Very Tarantino. I liked it. I'm always fascinated by his use of music in his films. He doesn't use music that "fits" the scene, but yet it still conveys the emotion of the scene. In this movie about WWII, there was music I can only describe as 70s Jazz Funk. The story was really good, too. Bradolph Pittler was a little too over the top with his hillbilly accent though.
Star Trek: (best makeup) They give awards for this? I loved the movie, though.
Losers: Up In The Air: Was exactly the same as Jason Reitman's other film Thank You for Smoking. Except instead of an asshole selling cigarettes who ultimately doesn't change, its an asshole firing people who ultimately doesn't change.
District 9: While I'm glad there's more sci-fi being considered for Oscars, this movie was long and boring. The effects were nice, but that doesn't make up for a shitty story. Yes I'm looking at you Lucas. Plus this flick was up against Avatar, so it had no chance.
Food, Inc.: I watched this documentary thinking I should be outraged and not want to eat meat or only buy organic or locally grown food. But I said, meh, and ordered a pizza.
Princess and the Frog: I liked it because it featured Anthropomorphic African-American animals, but Disney pulled out every New Orleans cliche and put it in a formulaic cartoon movie.
Movies I didn't see this year:
Avatar: Never got around to it, the hype turned me off
Precious: I'd sooner stick red hot skewers in my eyes. And also, the long ass subtitle was so obnoxious. Stern was right.

It sucks that Cher's soon-to-be-son's name is Chaz, as is Roger Ebert's wife. I'm glad they spell it with a Z and not an S.

What do you think? What was your favorite flick of the last year? Who was robbed of an Oscar? Does anyone give two shits about them? Hit comments and release your inner Roger Ebert.

It's been like 5 weeks since I've put anything on this thing, so I'm going back to the well. Check facebook for more substantive outpourings of my genius.

What’s the one thing that really annoys you? People who think they know everything, while knowing absolutely nothing. If you're dumb accept it. Case in point, I overheard a woman going on about how her firsthand dealings with a sick relative makes her an expert on "Old Timer's Disease."
If it was the end of the world what be the last thing you would try to do? Two chicks.
If you had the choice of designing a mobile phone what one feature would you add to it? Tomorrow's lottery numbers, or x-ray vision.
Diamonds or pearls? I'm a dude, why would I wear pearls?
Silver or gold? Silver, Gold can't kill a werewolf or a vampire!
Are you at home or work? If you're a co-worker reading this, I'm at home. Otherwise...
1. What is the most extreme weather you’ve experienced where you live in the past week? 32 degrees with rain.
2. What’s the worst kind of storm you’ve experienced in person? The tornado that ran over CNN Center and Centennial Olympic Park. I've been in several Hurricanes, but (knock on wood) they didn't do much damage.
3. Where are you more likely to get your weather forecast: on TV, on the radio, in the newspaper, or online? Online. Just type "Weather" then your zip code in google and you're set. The local news usually isn't on when I need it, and I don't listen to local/terrestrial radio.
4. Do you have access to 24-hour channels like The Weather Channel or WeatherPlus? If so, how often do you watch them? Rarely. The Weather Channel tells me the weather for every other city in the world before mine. Plus when they have the local forecast it plays creepy elevator music.
5. Take the quiz: What Kind of Storm Are You? Online quizzes annoy me, so I'll just tell you. I'm a quiet storm.
6. What’s your favorite kind of food to eat when you’re home on a chilly, rainy day? Clam Chowder.

Christmas throwdown '09

And so this is Christmas. It was a wonderful 3 day vacation from work. On Christmas Eve, Tina and Abby wrapped gifts, while Alex and I hung out. After the kids were in bed, we proceeded to put together the "some assembly required" toys. I actually just played with Abby's little video game. It had a star wars game. What was I to. Tina arranged the gifts under the tree, and we crashed. 90 minutes later, Abby came in our room saying "Mommy, the rain woke me up, and I saw under the tree.. HE CAME! and gave me all the stuff I wanted!" This was at 2:15am. We convinced her to stay in bed until 6:30. She continued to talk and talk about what she thought she saw. We spent the next day playing with our toys that Santa brought. I got a guitar hero. Tina got a new camera. Abby got a scooter, and Alex got this thing called an "exersaucer," which sounds like something from an infomercial. In the end we had a wonderful time, had a great dinner, and now it's off to 2010. The year of the non-event.

Tiny Dancer

This was Abby's first dance recital. We schlepped two kids across the metro-Atlanta area in the cold and rain to the Griffin Performing Arts center, which has no parking. Which is appropriate, because I don't believe anyone artistic would perform in this hillbilly hamlet. Abby's group was the #18 song. Out of 21. So we had to sit through 17 songs that where mercifully short, and watch other people's kids. They were fine, but I've got the attention span of a gnat, and at that point I had no patience. Don't even get me started on the white trash parents that had screaming kids and bladders the size of chick peas. Anyway, Abby did great, I'm so proud of her, so it was all worth it.

Chas's Christmas Spectacular

Like any entertainment giant, I'm putting on a Christmas Spectacular!! I've gathered my favorite clips, etc. for your Holiday enjoyment.

First up, a musical number to get us in the mood. Here's Run DMC with their ode to Chicken and Collard Greens, "Christmas In Hollis."

A bit of trivia about that song, it uses a sample from Clarence Carter's tune about Santa's yearning for some dirty love, "Back door Santa."

Now for the culinary part of our program. Let's check in with NPR's Delicious Dish, and one of my favorite snacks. I'll take a sackful, please!


Hey let's take a moment to talk about family and the holidays. It's a time for being thankful for having family near, and renewing the ties that bind. Then they arrive. Just kidding, but it reminds me of a bit of prose spoken on a December morn by one Clark W. Griswold.
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn
The clean, cool chill of the holiday air
And an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.
And with that I give you... The shitter was full.

Full indeed, full of Christmas cheer!

Who can forget those Christmas mornings as a child, when you'd run to the tree and see what Santa brought you. The night before it was so hard to go to sleep, and you'd have all the possibilities swirling in your head. What will he leave? I remember wondering how the hell Santa Claus got into my house since we didn't have a fireplace. Then nanoseconds later I would see the mound of Star Wars toys tucked gently under the tree. It would be 5am and I knew I had a good 3 hours of playing time without any interruptions from anyone. The weeks leading up to Christmas would consist of me scouring the Sears Catalog, looking at the kaleidoscope of action figures and stuff that Santa would seemingly pick up on his way to my house. Adding to that anticipation, the machine gun delivery of the kids in the Star Wars toy commercials that conveyed a sense of urgency. Oh, they taunted me every Saturday morning.

I had most of those toys, if only I knew where they were now. I could put them in a box in the attic and think about how much they'll be worth in 50 years!

But Christmas is not just about toys, it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus, if you're Christian. If you're Jewish, it's about... Well I dunno. But I know who does. The star of Spanglish and Mr. Deeds, Adam Sandler!


Well that concludes our Christmas Spectacular!!. I hope in this holiday season, you take a break from the doorbuster values, drunken parties, and shitty claymation TV specials to give thanks for what you have, and honor your fellow man.
We leave you with some new Christmas classics, courtesy of the four little boys from South Park.
So from my family to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

"So you're the one who bought that CD..."

Top 5 musical purchases you regret (or would like to cast aside to the nearest used CD store)
Well, since I download 99.9% of my music, I just hit delete. Of the CD's that I've actually paid for, here are the shittiest ones:
1. Ace Of Base - The Sign. I liked those 2 hits before they got big, then I got the CD and it was like an aural enema. It's what drove me to MP3s.
2.Peter Gabriel - So. Sledgehammer and Big Time are great, the rest was pretentious garbage.
3. Arrested Development - the album with Tennessee. The CD had 2 good songs, the rest was crap.
4. De La Soul's 2nd Album - I love love loved their first CD. This one was monumentally bad, unfunky, unclever, unlistenable.
5. Johnny Gill's CD with "Rub you the right way" and "My My My" - I bought it to play when I was gettin' busy with a woman. She wasn't impressed and laughed at my music choice. I bet no broad ever laughed at Johnny Gill.

Surely you have some stinkers in your CD collection. Hit comments and release your inner Donny Osmond.

Halloween

Ok Ok Ok, I'm sure you've seen a thousand pictures of people dressed up or their kids dressed up. So here's mine.
Dorothy and the scarecrow.

Dorothy

and the Scarecrow

Alexander The Great

Abby Gets Funky

Why yes, the funk does run in the family.

There aint no easy way out I will stand my ground And I wont back down

Da Kiddoz

I don't know what I did to deserve these to angels.

Who should I be pissed at?

My son is now 17 days old. In his short time on this earth, he has overcome a bruised face, acid reflux, jaundice, constipation and now blood in an uncomfortable place. The German doctor lady tells my wife on that last thing: "It could be nothing, or it could be something serious." Thanks, Frau, now return to the militant wing of the Salvation Army. My insides are infected by frustration, anger and pain, and I can't imagine what its like for an infant to go through this. Despite this, he's a happy baby and a fighter. He'll get through this tough spot and be stronger for it. Until then, my hands are tied, I'm paralyzed. I hate not being able to do anything. There's no one to yell at. No one to blame. I find myself pissed at the world asking, "What's next?"

What was your favourite show on TV when your were little? When I was like 4 I loved the show "Emergency." It was about firemen, and starred the bar owner from Roadhouse. The other guy's name was Randolph Mantooth, the greatest actor name ever. I wonder if he's related to Wes Mantooth and his mother Dorothy Mantooth, who is a saint, btw. Then Star Wars happened, and that all went out the window.
What’s the first CD/LP that you bought? Again, when I was 4, I had a record player, and my first two 45's were "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" and "Rhinestone Cowboy." That should give you an idea of when I was a kid!
Who is the most famous person you have ever met? I interviewed Matthew McConaughey. One day I'll upload the video, and hunt down the picture of him, Tina and I. I also interviewed Vanna White (about crocheting!). I had Cybill Shepherd on my show once, she was a pain in the ass. I had Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits on my show, and insulted him by asking him to autograph a bootleg CD. You should see the note he wrote on the CD! I've also briefly met John Travolta, Matt Damon, Kevin James, and Willie Nelson.
What’s your most guiltiest of pleasures? Krystals. But I pay for it 3-4 hours later.
What’ the worst habit you have or had? All of them, except substance abuse. I don't do drugs, and rarely drink.
Describe yourself in three words? What The Fuck?

Maybe I'm Amazed

My Nest

I like to have all my birds in my nest. When I hit the bed at night, the very least of my worries is where my wife and daughter are. When they're out of town or something, I worry. None of that compares to my worry tonight. Alex, who is all of 42 hours old, is in the NICU at the hospital. I know its for the best, and he's getting good care, but when a mother comes home, so should the baby. Tonight, that's not the case. He's apparently having trouble breathing since he was 4 weeks early, and his little lungs aren't fully developed. Making my heartbreak worse, they told us he'd probably come home today, and even had us bring in the car seat so they could make sure he could breathe OK in it. He's fighting to get well, and there's not a damn thing his father can do but wait and pray. I keep telling myself its much much better that the doctors are in a prevention mode rather than a reaction mode, and I know it'll all turn out OK, but I want my nest complete.

Here Comes The Son

The Welch name will live on. Alexander James was born at 4:31 am, weighing in at a whopping 8 pounds! He was 4 weeks early, but he wanted to come out. He's obviously headstrong like his uncle with the same middle name! Mom and Big Sis are excited, Dad is elated. I can't wait to teach him about Star Wars, Prince, how to build a computer, dick-n-fart jokes, and about how if a gadget is good, but the newer, faster one is better.

Too Fat To Fish

[Listen] What music did your family listen to as you were growing up, and did that music end up influencing you in any way? My Dad always had Beatles playing. I still love all their music. We just went and saw Paul McCartney last weekend, so I guess it influence me.

[Watch] What is your most quotable movie? And if you want, share a couple quotes from it. Coming To America and the Austin Powers movies.
"His mama call him Clay, I'mma call him Clay."
"This ain't my first rodeo, Cowboy."
"Brooklyn Heights own Mister Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate"
"That ain't no woman, it's a man, man."

[Read] Think about the last book you read. In what ways were you similar to the writer or narrator? I read Artie Lange's book "Too Fat To Fish." I'm similar to him in many ways. The most obvious: being a fat Italian guy. The book is both hilarious and sad at the same time. Like me as well.

Best concert: Prince, 2002, MPLS. 7 days in a row, at his house, with nothing but hardcore Prince fans in the house, and chilling with my home skillet Bino. He laughed incessantly when I wound up on my ass in the middle of the street in front of Paisley Park.
Song you can listen to over and over and not get tired of: Too many to list!
Band/artist you never thought you'd like but you do: Jimmy Buffett. He's too country and kinda cheesy, but I enjoy his concerts, and I'm not ashamed to say I only listen to his hits. :) Also, in my old age I don't mind Duran Duran. I hated them with a passion in the 80s, but now I sing with the radio when their tunes come on.
Worst movie music soundtrack or score: Full Metal Jacket. Crappy 80s synthesizers over a movie set in the 70s doesn't sound right.
A song you wish wouldn't get stuck in your head but always does: "There is always something there to remind me..." and any song that's on a kids show that Abby watches. Why yes, I have hummed the Dora theme song while not watching the show.

Milestones

Today my daughter hits a milestone. She goes to school. I'm blown away by the whole situation. A mere 4 years ago, Abby was this little thing I could hold with one arm and prepare a bottle with the other. I know it's just Pre-K, but it's at an actual elementary school. Now she has a backpack, a bus number, and a teacher that's addressable by a last name. When did my baby become a little girl?
I have no issues with separation, she's been in day care since she was a baby. I have no worries about how she will interact socially with classmates, since she's been in day care and has gone to play dates all her life. I have no worries about how she will do academically. Abby can count to 100, backwards from 10, and to 10 in Spanish... and can read books above her age.
Maybe I'm just taken aback by how proud I am of her, and how excited I am to see her take the first step in to a much larger world.

Hey I'm all man, lady!

Brandi: Second suitor, if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?