New Orleans

We're back from our trip to New Orleans. It was fun, we caught up with so many family and friends that we haven't seen in a while. It was also a time to see the changes in the city in which I grew up. Much of it has changed, but much has stayed the same. Of course I wouldn't expect the city to stop changing just because I moved away 18 years ago. I guess you're always jarred by things changing. My view of the city also changed. The trip was jam-packed with things to do. We enjoyed much good food, including po-boys, crawfish pies, and breaking with tradition, BBQ. Much is said about New Orleans food, and many of the locals will tell you just because the restaurant is pretty shabby the food will still be good. I believe that, sometimes. Here's why: We drove 8+ hours to NO, and the last thing I wanna do is sit in some shithole of a restaurant because they make good sandwiches. For Mr. Pete's sake, 70s paneling on the walls and taped up pictures of Saints players ain't "flair," its crap. It's emblematic of the entire city. Driving up and down the roads, I see the same old rotting buildings and houses I once knew, right next to new buildings. Why should they change? That's the way its always been, and that's the way it'll always be. At City Park (where the above pic was taken), we brought the kids to "Storyland," which is an old ass mother goose-themed kiddie area. Right next to it, was a beautiful "Great Lawn" with more new construction next to that. I used to be amused by that shit and say, "Only in New Orleans..." but I'm tired of that. After Katrina, A Super Bowl, and the BP disaster, it's time to set the bar a bit higher. Don't get me wrong, I love the city and I'm already planning my next trip there. Or maybe I'm the one that needs to change.

21 Nights

We ran a story tonight about a CNN floor manager that just went to his 100th Aerosmith concert, and the network set up a meet 'n greet with the band. Here's the story:


That got me to thinking about who I'd like to meet. The first name that comes to mind would be Prince. I'm not sure I want to meet him. I've heard good and bad things, and there's the old saying, "Never meet your heroes because they'll always disappoint you." That being said, I would have to be an idiot to pass up meeting him. Shit, I'd be an idiot to pass up meeting any rock star. Maybe I'll tell CNN I'm going to my 100th Prince concert, maybe they'll set me up a meet 'n' greet. Yeah right. I started thinking about how many more concerts I'd have to see to reach 100. It's 78. That sounds like a challenge, and one funky ass road trip. :) Here's the list so far:

1. The Summit, Houston, November 27, 1988, Lovesexy Tour
2. The Alamodome, San Antonio, August 8, 1996, Jam Of The Year Tour
3. Frank Irwin Center, Austin, November 2, 1997, Jam Of The Year Tour
4. The Tabernacle Atlanta, November 22, 2000, Hit & Run Tour
5. Cricket Arena, Charlotte, November 26, 2008, Hit & Run Tour
6. Atlanta Civic Center, Atlanta, April 14, 2001, Hit & Run Tour
7. Atlanta Civic Center, Atlanta, April 15, 2001, Hit & Run Tour
8. Symphony Hall, Atlanta, April 3, 2002, One Nite Alone Tour
9. Symphony Hall, Atlanta, April 4, 2002, One Nite Alone Tour
9.5 Club 1120 (Aftershow), Atlanta, April 4, 2002, One Nite Alone Tour
10. Paisley Park, June 21, 2002, Xenophobia
11. Paisley Park, June 22, 2002, Xenophobia
12. Paisley Park, June 23, 2002, Xenophobia
13. Paisley Park, June 24, 2002, Xenophobia
14. Paisley Park, June 25, 2002, Xenophobia
15. Paisley Park, June 26, 2002, Xenophobia
16. Paisley Park, June 27, 2002, Xenophobia
17. Veterans Coliseum, April 27, 2004, Musicology Tour
18. Philips Arena, Atlanta, April 30, 2004, Musicology Tour
19. Philips Arena, Atlanta, August 9, 2004, Musicology Tour
20. Philips Arena, Atlanta, August 10, 2004 Musicology Tour
21. The Tabernacle (Tamar Show), March 15, 2006, Tamar Tour

Eye Que

So Abby took an IQ test, after being moved out of Kindergarten into first grade. It seems she's smarter than many of our U.S. presidents. Including George W. Bush, which isn't saying much. I couldn't get an exact number on the presidents, the best I got was ranges, and she's above most of their ranges. That's good for my 5 year old, but bad for the country. I'm not only proud of her, I'm simply amazed.

Hold On Tight

Accroche-toi à ton rêve
Accroche-toi à ton rêve
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir
Quand tu sens ton cœur se briser
Accroche-toi à ton rêve.

Florida Vacation July 2010

My little sunflowers

Oily Residue

So the oil spill is still spewing, despite a cap on it. What the hell? After day 50 the president decides he should follow the media's suggestion and get mad. Day 50. Really? He needs to get the 50 greatest environmental clean up engineers and sit them in a room... then put the 50 greatest underwater oil well dudes in another room. He walks in and tells them, "You have 7 days to figure out a way to stop the gusher and clean up the mess. If not, expect to be audited every year until you're 65. Expect to be called for jury duty on the first day of summer every year. Expect your ATM fees to be double what they should be. Expect the cable guy to come sometime between 6:30am and 9:30pm. Expect to be put on a no-fly list. Expect your computer to only connect to the internet via dial-up. Expect the garbage man to drive past your home. And finally, expect that hot chick that won't talk to you at the gym to seduce your wife. So good luck, see ya in a week."

Since I'm in an advice-giving mood, I have some suggestions for BP's horrendous PR department. I understand BP is the easy whipping boy. Their carelessness criminal neglect caused this crap, they deserve the blame. And I'm sure they want an end to it fast, since they're losing money and have a PR nightmare on their hands. Here's how to fix it: Stop running commercials patting yourself on the back. It makes you look worse than you already do. Don't let Ringo the CEO be your spokesman anymore. We hate him. Get an American with a comforting southern accent. Paula Deen maybe. Then make a bold move. Move your headquarters from Houston to New Orleans. Then you can say, "We're here for the long haul." and promise the many fishermen who provide the state with much-needed income that they can come directly to the HQ and make a claim. Then change your name. BP now means "We shat in your gumbo." Call yourself Louisiana Energy or Gas Orleans or Bayou Vroom-Vroom Juice. Will this work? Ask AirTran. They used to be ValuJet until they crashed into the south Florida swamp. Now they're based out of Orlando, and everybody loves them. Except Kevin Smith. Then go to every higher education institution in Louisiana and give them enough money to rename their agricultural or environmental science building "Bayou Vroom-Vroom Juice Hall." But first, plug the damn hole, clean up your mess and compensate the fishermen you fucked over.

Attention Whores

They annoy me. So your mommy didn't pay you enough attention, so now I gotta placate you? It's not even just people I know, though in my bidness there are A LOT. The inspiration for this rant was some numbnut I saw walking into work as I was walking out. They guy was wearing tighter than tight biking shorts and shirt, bright yellow. Then the guy had a bike helmet with a rear-view mirror attached to it, with some big sunglasses. We get it, you ride a bike. Then the douche had the nerve to cinch his bike, not to the bike rack like everyone else, but to a pole 6 inches away from the rack. While I have absolutely nothing against people who ride their bikes to work, I think that's great, fewer cars on the road, this bitch is too much. He's probably the CEO of the company and would love nothing more than to cut me loose like Lance Armstrong's missing nut. Smug bastard probably loves the smell of his own farts and looks down on the rest of us for not being as green as him and his tour de farce outfit.
This is what goes through my head when it's too early to go home and go to bed, and too late to have more coffee.

A ribcage!

I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!

Shame Shame Shame

I've been writing stories about this oil leak in the Gulf for 35 days now. That's about 34.5 days too many. Every day there's something worse than the day before.
It's easy to say BP is to blame and they screwed up royally... they did. And it's easy to say the government displayed Bush-like ineffectiveness in dealing with the disaster... they did. But my concern isn't who did what... it's who is doing what right now. The U.S. has access to the greatest fucking minds in the world, and we're waiting on BP to come up with brilliant ideas. The best they can do is "shove cement, golf balls, and tires in it." Why are we trusting them to fix something when they're the ones that made the fucking mess in the first place?
Louisiana seems to the center of the universe when it comes to natural disasters that are magnified by human error. Five years after Katrina, things seemed to have come full circle. The Saints won the Super Bowl giving the region a much-needed shot of excitement after years of bad news. Then this happened. I can only hope the rest of the world realizes that New Orleans isn't on the Gulf and that its still the vibrant city it's always been. Oil, tourism, and fishing all have this symbiotic relationship that keeps the state afloat. When tragedy strikes one, the others suffer. I don't have the answer, and I don't think anyone has a perfect solution, but there needs to be a John Wayne dude to come in and get something done, instead of watching BP, the Coast Guard and the Government sit and bicker like junior high girls.
Like Smiley says...

Sleep. Rest. A Jedi craves not these things.

It's week two of my vampirical existence. So far no major problems, besides being tired and prone to nap at any moment. I'm working the 10p-8a shift at work. Who did I piss off to get that shitty shift? Well, I asked for it. The way I see it the benefits outweigh the problems. My 10-hour shifts give me a 4-day work week, with Weekends and Friday's off. Ya can't beat that. Plus I get a bump in pay, and I'm home for dinner every night. Before I was working nights and weekends, and had to get up at 6am, after working until 1am just to see my kids before they're off to school/babysitter. Then I would have to cram a week's worth of activities with them into the few hours before I had to work on the weekends. My breaking point with that schedule was when I had to request vacation time for my daughter's birthday party and dance recital, then hope no one else had that time off. I know nobody cares about my work schedule, but I've been up for about 23 hours now and I need to do something to get me through the next hour. My Dad sacrificed by standing on his feet 6 days a week running restaurants to make sure we had nice things. I think a little sleep deprivation is the least I can do.

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I get writer's block, actually, its not really writer's block, its "they can't handle it the truth" block. It reminds me of a line from a movie I can't watch anymore:

A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay.

I was reminded of this a few minutes ago, when I said the funniest shit ever, and I just got stares. OK, it wasn't funniest shit ever, but it was worthy of a mercy guffaw. I was just told to "calm down." Maybe I should make sports references or something. I can't since, as Bud Brumner pointed out, I'm not gay.

One.

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head?

Dayum I should update this piece mo often.
Let's catch up. How've you been? Did that thing on your ass cheek heal? Oh congratz.
Anywayz, here's this:
The Super Bowl: The Saints won. My hometown team. I don't watch football, I don't really care beyond whether the Saints win or lose. But I had to get behind their road to the Super Bowl because of something else: The healing power it has over the city. In the four and a half years since Katrina, the city went from having the country's pity to having the country's envy. And that transcends a game, a fan chant, or any lawsuit surrounding it.

The Academy Awards: I actually made a point to watch some of the movies nominated this year. Here are my thoughts:
The Hurt Locker: (Best Picture winner, et al) Long, but really good. It kept my attention, which is my litmus test.
Inglourious Basterds: (Best supporting actor)Very Tarantino. I liked it. I'm always fascinated by his use of music in his films. He doesn't use music that "fits" the scene, but yet it still conveys the emotion of the scene. In this movie about WWII, there was music I can only describe as 70s Jazz Funk. The story was really good, too. Bradolph Pittler was a little too over the top with his hillbilly accent though.
Star Trek: (best makeup) They give awards for this? I loved the movie, though.
Losers: Up In The Air: Was exactly the same as Jason Reitman's other film Thank You for Smoking. Except instead of an asshole selling cigarettes who ultimately doesn't change, its an asshole firing people who ultimately doesn't change.
District 9: While I'm glad there's more sci-fi being considered for Oscars, this movie was long and boring. The effects were nice, but that doesn't make up for a shitty story. Yes I'm looking at you Lucas. Plus this flick was up against Avatar, so it had no chance.
Food, Inc.: I watched this documentary thinking I should be outraged and not want to eat meat or only buy organic or locally grown food. But I said, meh, and ordered a pizza.
Princess and the Frog: I liked it because it featured Anthropomorphic African-American animals, but Disney pulled out every New Orleans cliche and put it in a formulaic cartoon movie.
Movies I didn't see this year:
Avatar: Never got around to it, the hype turned me off
Precious: I'd sooner stick red hot skewers in my eyes. And also, the long ass subtitle was so obnoxious. Stern was right.

It sucks that Cher's soon-to-be-son's name is Chaz, as is Roger Ebert's wife. I'm glad they spell it with a Z and not an S.

What do you think? What was your favorite flick of the last year? Who was robbed of an Oscar? Does anyone give two shits about them? Hit comments and release your inner Roger Ebert.

It's been like 5 weeks since I've put anything on this thing, so I'm going back to the well. Check facebook for more substantive outpourings of my genius.

What’s the one thing that really annoys you? People who think they know everything, while knowing absolutely nothing. If you're dumb accept it. Case in point, I overheard a woman going on about how her firsthand dealings with a sick relative makes her an expert on "Old Timer's Disease."
If it was the end of the world what be the last thing you would try to do? Two chicks.
If you had the choice of designing a mobile phone what one feature would you add to it? Tomorrow's lottery numbers, or x-ray vision.
Diamonds or pearls? I'm a dude, why would I wear pearls?
Silver or gold? Silver, Gold can't kill a werewolf or a vampire!
Are you at home or work? If you're a co-worker reading this, I'm at home. Otherwise...
1. What is the most extreme weather you’ve experienced where you live in the past week? 32 degrees with rain.
2. What’s the worst kind of storm you’ve experienced in person? The tornado that ran over CNN Center and Centennial Olympic Park. I've been in several Hurricanes, but (knock on wood) they didn't do much damage.
3. Where are you more likely to get your weather forecast: on TV, on the radio, in the newspaper, or online? Online. Just type "Weather" then your zip code in google and you're set. The local news usually isn't on when I need it, and I don't listen to local/terrestrial radio.
4. Do you have access to 24-hour channels like The Weather Channel or WeatherPlus? If so, how often do you watch them? Rarely. The Weather Channel tells me the weather for every other city in the world before mine. Plus when they have the local forecast it plays creepy elevator music.
5. Take the quiz: What Kind of Storm Are You? Online quizzes annoy me, so I'll just tell you. I'm a quiet storm.
6. What’s your favorite kind of food to eat when you’re home on a chilly, rainy day? Clam Chowder.

Christmas throwdown '09

And so this is Christmas. It was a wonderful 3 day vacation from work. On Christmas Eve, Tina and Abby wrapped gifts, while Alex and I hung out. After the kids were in bed, we proceeded to put together the "some assembly required" toys. I actually just played with Abby's little video game. It had a star wars game. What was I to. Tina arranged the gifts under the tree, and we crashed. 90 minutes later, Abby came in our room saying "Mommy, the rain woke me up, and I saw under the tree.. HE CAME! and gave me all the stuff I wanted!" This was at 2:15am. We convinced her to stay in bed until 6:30. She continued to talk and talk about what she thought she saw. We spent the next day playing with our toys that Santa brought. I got a guitar hero. Tina got a new camera. Abby got a scooter, and Alex got this thing called an "exersaucer," which sounds like something from an infomercial. In the end we had a wonderful time, had a great dinner, and now it's off to 2010. The year of the non-event.

Tiny Dancer

This was Abby's first dance recital. We schlepped two kids across the metro-Atlanta area in the cold and rain to the Griffin Performing Arts center, which has no parking. Which is appropriate, because I don't believe anyone artistic would perform in this hillbilly hamlet. Abby's group was the #18 song. Out of 21. So we had to sit through 17 songs that where mercifully short, and watch other people's kids. They were fine, but I've got the attention span of a gnat, and at that point I had no patience. Don't even get me started on the white trash parents that had screaming kids and bladders the size of chick peas. Anyway, Abby did great, I'm so proud of her, so it was all worth it.

Chas's Christmas Spectacular

Like any entertainment giant, I'm putting on a Christmas Spectacular!! I've gathered my favorite clips, etc. for your Holiday enjoyment.

First up, a musical number to get us in the mood. Here's Run DMC with their ode to Chicken and Collard Greens, "Christmas In Hollis."

A bit of trivia about that song, it uses a sample from Clarence Carter's tune about Santa's yearning for some dirty love, "Back door Santa."

Now for the culinary part of our program. Let's check in with NPR's Delicious Dish, and one of my favorite snacks. I'll take a sackful, please!


Hey let's take a moment to talk about family and the holidays. It's a time for being thankful for having family near, and renewing the ties that bind. Then they arrive. Just kidding, but it reminds me of a bit of prose spoken on a December morn by one Clark W. Griswold.
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn
The clean, cool chill of the holiday air
And an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.
And with that I give you... The shitter was full.

Full indeed, full of Christmas cheer!

Who can forget those Christmas mornings as a child, when you'd run to the tree and see what Santa brought you. The night before it was so hard to go to sleep, and you'd have all the possibilities swirling in your head. What will he leave? I remember wondering how the hell Santa Claus got into my house since we didn't have a fireplace. Then nanoseconds later I would see the mound of Star Wars toys tucked gently under the tree. It would be 5am and I knew I had a good 3 hours of playing time without any interruptions from anyone. The weeks leading up to Christmas would consist of me scouring the Sears Catalog, looking at the kaleidoscope of action figures and stuff that Santa would seemingly pick up on his way to my house. Adding to that anticipation, the machine gun delivery of the kids in the Star Wars toy commercials that conveyed a sense of urgency. Oh, they taunted me every Saturday morning.

I had most of those toys, if only I knew where they were now. I could put them in a box in the attic and think about how much they'll be worth in 50 years!

But Christmas is not just about toys, it's about celebrating the birth of Jesus, if you're Christian. If you're Jewish, it's about... Well I dunno. But I know who does. The star of Spanglish and Mr. Deeds, Adam Sandler!


Well that concludes our Christmas Spectacular!!. I hope in this holiday season, you take a break from the doorbuster values, drunken parties, and shitty claymation TV specials to give thanks for what you have, and honor your fellow man.
We leave you with some new Christmas classics, courtesy of the four little boys from South Park.
So from my family to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

"So you're the one who bought that CD..."

Top 5 musical purchases you regret (or would like to cast aside to the nearest used CD store)
Well, since I download 99.9% of my music, I just hit delete. Of the CD's that I've actually paid for, here are the shittiest ones:
1. Ace Of Base - The Sign. I liked those 2 hits before they got big, then I got the CD and it was like an aural enema. It's what drove me to MP3s.
2.Peter Gabriel - So. Sledgehammer and Big Time are great, the rest was pretentious garbage.
3. Arrested Development - the album with Tennessee. The CD had 2 good songs, the rest was crap.
4. De La Soul's 2nd Album - I love love loved their first CD. This one was monumentally bad, unfunky, unclever, unlistenable.
5. Johnny Gill's CD with "Rub you the right way" and "My My My" - I bought it to play when I was gettin' busy with a woman. She wasn't impressed and laughed at my music choice. I bet no broad ever laughed at Johnny Gill.

Surely you have some stinkers in your CD collection. Hit comments and release your inner Donny Osmond.

Halloween

Ok Ok Ok, I'm sure you've seen a thousand pictures of people dressed up or their kids dressed up. So here's mine.
Dorothy and the scarecrow.

Dorothy

and the Scarecrow