At The Movies

After watching the Academy Awards some months ago, I decided I would use my knowledge of the internet's backroads to watch some of these honored flicks in an effort to be more cultured. Since then, I've seen some of the movies that got the most buzz. I don't know if the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences nominating committees were watching the same movies, but the ones I've watched... suck.
Here now is my rundown of a few movies that Oscar cheered, but Chas kinda jeered:
Juno: Won for best original screenplay, the only win of its 4 nominations. Slang-slinging teen misfit learns life lessons while pregnant. The writing was pretty good, despite trying to crow-bar in the teenspeak. The acting was well-done, but the story just kinda dragged. The music to me sounded all the same. I think they hired the first granola chick at the local liberal arts college who played guitar to shit out a few songs. At the end I was just thinking, "So what?"
There Will Be Blood: Won two of its eight Oscar nods, one for best actor Daniel Day Lewis, and the other for best cinematography. There will be boredom. By the end of the 6-to-7 hour movie I was going to demand my money back. I couldn't exaclty do that, so I was going to find Paul Thomas Anderson and waste 6-to-7 hours of his life. Maybe ask him Dirk Diggler questions. I should've known better after watching two of his other movies, "Magnolia" and "Punch Drunk Love." They both sucked major ass. Anyway, the plot on this clunker went nowhere: a Sleazy oilman and his son shiester a small town. I was pleading with the movie gods to please make something happen. It just dragged on and on and on. The dialogue was sparse, and not compelling. The characters had moments where they were interesting, but the momentum then fizzled. For example, the soft-spoken preacher guy was pretty boring the whole movie, then all of a sudden he's this charasmatic evangelist who was healing in the church. I was left thinking, 'where the hell did that come from?' And contrary to popular belief, Daniel Day Lewis can't cover up his british accent. He just sounds fake in this and in "Gangs of New York." I don't know why Hollywood swings on this guy's nuts... or the nuts of this film.
Sicko: Nominated for best documentary feature. I like Michael Moore, but this thing was a fill-in-the-blank documentary for him. It gave a little more credence to his critics who say you can slant something to make it look however you want. Plus it was so anti-American it made my stomach turn. Don't phone it in Mike, you're better than that.
Michael Clayton: Tilda Swinton Won Best Supporting Actress for the film, the only winner among its 6 nominations. Good film, however it's not without its flaws. It's way too long, and the dialogue just drags and drags. Too much needless conversation. Overall the movie was engaging, and kept me interested until the end. That Tilda Sinton woman who got the Oscar was barely in it, and I didn't think her performance was anything special... and she kinda freaked me out cuz she's reminds me of those old concentration camp newsreels. George Clooney should've gotten an Oscar for this film.
American Gangster: Nominated for best art direction and Ruby Dee was nominated for best supporting actress Good film, lots of action. I like gangster films, and this fits in well with the classics. Denzel should've been nominated here. You can see the anger that's boiling just below his cool exterior, and when it blows, it's spectacular. It had a happy ending that I thought was a bit cheezy. Russell Crowe CANNOT do a Jersey accent. It's just impossible. He should stick to gladiator movies. The writing was good and the character development was good as well. I agree with the art direction nod, everything in it looked like the 70s and early 80s. The cars, the clothes, etc. They looked like that era, but not too cliche. I don't get the Ruby Dee nomination, she was barely in it, and she plays the same old lady she's been playing since 'Do The Right Thing.'
BONUS: 2006 FILM I SAW LAST NIGHT:
Little Miss Sunshine: Won two of four nominations: Best screenplay and Alan Arkin won best supporting actor. Imagine if you got the most boring professor you had in college, then told him to remake "National Lampoon's Vacation." You would get "Little Miss Sunshine." A hapless dad takes his know-it-all wife, weird kids, and strange family members on a cross-country trip in a silly vehicle. Can't miss, huh? Oh yeah. I chuckled exactly 3 times in this movie. The only bright spot is Alan Arkin's cursing grandpa (the Aunt Edna of the trip, he even dies halfway through like Aunt Edna!). But you get no sense of why he's an old coot. The characters' exposition should weave into the story... but it doesn't. I think by the end of a movie, the characters should have changed in some way. In this movie, they did... and that's the one good thing I can say about it.

Now my usual caveat, this is my opinion I welcome yours, hell, I'm pleading for it! Hit comments and release your inner Peter Travers.

Back In Black

1. Who's the black sheep in your family? In my immediate family there's only 3 of us, so nobody. In my whole family, it would be my brother. He always ummm "did his own thing."
2. Do you take your coffee black? Nope. I put tons of cream and sugar. I need it smooth and full of caffeine.
3. Do you own a Blackberry? Nah, I don't need to be that in touch. I would get one if it didn't cost extra on your phone plan or if they gave me one at work. I asked for one, they said I didn't need one, and that they were not going to give me one just to play with. Overall, I'm enamored with gadgets, and I fight back the urge to get one just for the sake of having it.
4. Which black forest would you rather eat - cake or ham? Cake, definitely cake. Ham is good, but it ain't cake.
5. Have you ever had a black eye? Nope, I'm a lover not a fighter.

See Ya George

George Carlin died yesterday. I'm kinda sad. I met him once in December 2004 at a book signing. He was a dick to me. I walked up and said, "Hi, I'm Chas" as I handed him my book, to which he replied, "I don't personalize nothin!" Then when I asked if I could take a picture with him he said, "Sure, but I usually don't look up." As you can see, he didn't look up. Then I got home and started reading the book. It sucked. Why would I say less than flattering things about a guy who just died? Because George was a "call it like you see it" kind of guy, and would want no less. If someone is a dick, call them a dick... not a "personality-challenged individual." Just listen.
Despite that one bad experience, I have loved his comedy since the early 80s when, as an impressionble youth, would watch his HBO specials. Even as a kid I liked him because he not only made you laugh, he also made you think. Godspeed funnyman.

The story of my life

If you're at work, you'll wanna turn the sound down.
You're doing your best, working you ass off, then a bug flies into your mouth.
Wait, that was wrong.

More of these things that you guys keep telling me you loooove!

1. How many days a week, on average, do you eat breakfast? I eat breakfast every day. Six days a week its toast to go, cuz I don't have time to eat.
2. If you eat a breakfast that involves actual cooking, what are most likely to prepare for yourself? Every once in a while I'll fry a couple of eggs.
3. If you eat a breakfast that requires no cooking, what are you most likely to choose for yourself? Toast, cereal, sometimes instant oatmeal.
4. Take the quiz: What Kind of Cereal Are You?

You Are Cheerios

Like other Cheerios eaters, you want to be a responsible adult. But you can't help but still be a kid at heart! You try to make good decisions. You're a clean cut, conscientious person. You're the type of person who would never skip breakfast. Part of you thinks that breakfast is too important to miss... But a bigger part of you knows it's too fun to miss!

What Kind of Cereal Are You?

That's funny, cuz I don't like Cheerios.
5. When you eat pancakes, how many do you typically place in a stack?4
6. How do you like your pancakes: with butter/margarine or without, and what flavor of syrup? Butter and regular ole maple syrup.
What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner Tony the Tiger.

Word Association

The first song/artist/album that comes to mind when you see these colors:
Pink: Aerosmith's tune of that name.
Purple: Rain
Blue: -s Brothers
White: Lines (old school rap song)
Gold: Band Of..
Silver: Maxwell's Hammer, The Beatles
Green: Day
Yellow: Submarine, The Beatles
Red: 99 Balloons
Brown: James,the Godfather of Soul

I added these songs to the playlist, hit play on the cassette to the right for more badass JamZ, then hit comments and leave your favorite color songs/artist/album and release your inner Barry White or Jackson Brown.

its 5 am.

Hey teens.
I know it has been quite some time since I have posted. Why? I dunno.
I started a new job, got a new car, and my baby is about to turn 3. I went on a cruise and I hate the bahamas. Life is what you make of it. I'll try and be more attentive.

1. What was your most memorable moment in school? In high school it was driving to school and showing up wearing my cool Girbaud or Cavariccis. Then I graduated and I realized I wasn't cool. I hated high school. In college, it was becoming the 'teacher's pet' cuz I was a freaking journalistic genius. Then I graduated and realized I wasn't a genius.
2. What was your favorite subject in school? My writing classes and the classes on computers. Back then, classes with computers were considered "high tech."
3. Did you participate in any extracurricular activities? Nope. I hated school and wanted to leave ASAP. I worked. That was my extracurricular activity. I fried chicken for the Colonel and filled up a trough at Golden Corral.
4. If you could go back in time and give your school-age self some advice, what would you say? Participate in extracurricular activities, not because they'll help you later in life, but because they might make you hate school less.

1. What is your favorite song about or mentioning Mexico? "...but it's a real beauty, a mexican cutie. How it got here I haven't a clue."
2. What is your favorite Mexican or Mexican-American musician/band? Is J-lo mexican? :)
3. What is your favorite song by a Mexican or Mexican-American musician/band? "A little bit is better than nada... sometimes you want the whole enchilada..." I'm not really into the song, but that's a catchy line.

What about you? Hit comments and release your inner Freddy Fender.

Blow me down

In case yall was wondering, I'm still alive. I tried to avoid the cliche "It sounded like a freight train!" It didn't sound anything like a freight train. It was more like just a deep rumble, like when you're about to take off in a plane. It was more of a pain in the ass than anything... like everything else. It has been a shitty year. I got real sick like 3 times, my grandpa died, I got caught up in a tornado, some saw-happy dentist wants to yank out my wisdom teeth, another doctor says I have sleep apnea that's causing my headaches... sometimes I yell 'What's next?' I shouldn't complain, I've had my best friend by my side the entire time, and my daughter keeps me grounded in what's really important. I have gray hairs now. I'll look like Gay-Jesus Anderson Cooper by the end of the year.

PEEEX

I fixed the slideshow to the right of the screen. It has more than one set of pictures. I'll try and add some more. eventually.

Sickness

I have been sick since the beginning of the year. Since then, I have had a stomach virus, a sinus infection and a cold. Between them, I have had a filling put in and a sadistic dental hygenist shove large pieces of metal and plastic in my mouth to take some sort of xray. I'm really just getting tired of all of it.

I was wondering how all this shit in the air gets into peoples' systems the other day... then I saw the answer. Someone brought a bag of candy to work, and put it on the bridge, so everyone can have some. Then all these people came up and stuck their funky fingers in it and got some. I thought, Do I know these peoples' sanitary habits? One of those bitches could have took a piss or nasty shit and not washed their hands. I don't know about yall but filthy vag gummi bears are not my idea of a lovely after-dinner snack. Yet I watch in disgust as people come up and experience gummi-induced euphoria while a buffet of e-coli and dookie careens down their throats.

What are your tips for keeping healthy this cold and flu season? Hit Comments and release your inner Dr. Phil.

I wish U Heaven

Here I am on the dawn of my 35th year. I seemingly have everything I want... but I have become the thing I hate. I fear I am incapable and undeserving of happiness. I fight it everyday. Have you had your plus sign today?

Take that, Prince!

Bells will be ringing...

What Christmas means to me...

"Rhymes so loud and proud you hear it, it's Christmas time, and we got the spirit. The time is now, the place is here to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year."


"The silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air . . . an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."


Remember... It's OK to say Merry Christmas.
Hit "comments" and release your inner Clark Griswold.

Brothas gonna work it out

1. what was your worst job? why? You tend to forget the bad times at your past jobs, but right now, its WSB. Its amazing you can work at the #1 station in the market, and one of the strongest stations in the country, and still hate it. I guess they got to number one by treating people like numbers. Just a warm body to fill a spot. I have so much resentment and bad feelings built up from my time there. I also had shit jobs like KFC and Golden Corral, but you take those at face value... a high school/college job, not really your career.

2. what was your best job? why? CNN. Every-fucking-thing. My co-workers are great, the money's good, the benefits are phenomenal. I always give thanks to uncle Ted.

3. are you looking for a new job now? Nope, and I pray I won't ever have to again. I've been in that desperate situation before. Too qualified for some jobs in your field, and underqualified for the better ones.

4. when did you get the job you have now? if you're unemployed, how long have you been without a job? I've been here about 2 years.

5. have you ever been fired from a job? what happened? Just once. My "business relationship" with a certain bottom-dwelling station ended because the piece of shit station couldn't afford to keep a morning show afloat, so they laid off everyone involved with it, plus a few others. Now, their ratings have never been lower! Good for them. In the words of John Lennon, "Time wounds all heels."

6. have you ever had a horrible, back-stabbing colleague? Hello? I work in TV.

7. have you heard of or ever been involved in a an office scandal at your work? Nope, why put a target on your back. Keep your nose clean, and do your job and go home. Keep your personal shit out of work. If we're friends outside of work, let me help you with your problems, but if we just happen to work at the same place... keep yo shit to yo sef.

8. what's your dream job? Producing at ET, extra or one of those cheezy entertainment shows.

1. Considering your political views now versus seven years ago, do you think they have changed or remained the same? Yeah. Pre-9/11 I had a small interest in politics, mainly because of my job. Post-9/11, there are Americans dying, here and abroad, and that changed things for me. After the Iraq War started my view of the President changed altogether. When 9/11 happened, and the president said "go travel, help the economy," I took a trip. I looked to him as a leader. He betrayed me and all those who died that day.

2. Should a president be allowed to run for a third term? Not a consecutive one. If they're so good, they could sit out one term, then run again.

3. Do you think a president would be able to accomplish more if he could only be elected to a single term?
Nope. Besides the war, the president doesn't stay one one item that long anyway. What happened to the failing social security system? Is it back to being OK now? What about that big wall that was going to keep all the Messikans out? To me that's evidence that the issues are just notches on an agenda. To hell with the lives that are affected.

4. Take the quiz: Which political group most agrees with you? Well, I knew that I'm closest to the Libertarians because their approach to government is the same that your mama taught you as a kid: "Do what you want, just don't hit your sister." In all fairness, that quiz is hosted on a Libertarian website, so I assume most of those 8 questions will point you in that direction. I do agree with them that both Republicans and Democrats are fundamentally flawed, and neither has the answer to everything. And just from my own discussions with people, I believe the majority of Americans are fiscally conservative and socially moderate. Issues like gay marriage, evolution and flag burning are good for nothing but polarizing people. They're just more fodder for Rush and O'Reilly to call people hippies or for the liberals to call someone a religious zealot.

5. Can you imagine ever running for office? With the plethora of skeletons in my closet? Sheeeit. Seriously, I could never run for office because the main job of a politician is to hold out his hand and ask for money *before* they do a job that they can't guarantee they'll get done. Imagine walking into a McDonalds and giving them $5 for your Extra Value Meal and the pimply-faced teen replying, "I'll try my best to get that for you. No guarantee you'll get it. If you don't get it, blame those fuckers in the back, not me."

6. Let’s suppose that you were a candidate, and that you found some real dirt that no one else knew about your opponent. If that candidate started a negative campaign against you, how tempted would you be to use that information? Depends on the opponent. I'd pull him aside and let him know I have the info. Then he would have to a)acknowledge it publicly himself, trying to control the spin or b)tone down his negative campaigning or c)be a punk bitch and feel my wrath.

"Drink wine... This is life eternal... This is all that youth will give you... It is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends... Be happy for this moment... This moment is your life."

Prince hates other people's kids too!

Not only does Prince hate my kid, he hates 230,000 other people's kids as well. A mother got the same email I did accusing her of violating Prince's copyright by playing it in the background while her toddler dances. Of course she was smart enough to sue. I just bitched about it on my stupid blog. I ought to get in on the suit and try and recoup some of the thousands of dollars I have spent over the years on cds, albums, 12" singles, concert tickets, and whatever other music the dude put out. I have been buying the guy's music since I was 12 years old. I wonder if he'll sue me over my groom's cake:

Next time I'll play Ready For the World when I want to shoot video of my little girl. What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner Morris Day.
p.s. more wedding pics.

First Pics From The Wedding 9-30-07

Abby Getting Ready:


I am truly blessed. Look at my beautiful wife and daughter. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful women in my life.

The wedding was wonderful, the weather that day was perfect, I got to spend time with my dear friends and family... and ate some amazing food.

All I can say is.. ya shoulda been there!

Say Anything

1. How different is your speech pattern among your friends versus a stranger you’d meet on the street? Very, though I don't talk much, I speak in 3 word sentences to strangers. It makes them wonder about you.

2. How often do you get asked where you’re from based on your accent? Rarely, every once in a while I will say something like a "YAT" from New Orleans. I don't really have much of an accent, of course everyone says that!

3. What word or phrase said by newscasters is your biggest pet peeve? I write news for a living, so when I hear bad writing or an anchor use a cliche, its like fingernails across a chalkboard. The first two that come to mind is hearing "completely destroyed." That is wrong. It is either destroyed or it ain't. The other is "behind bars." Just say the fucking guy is in jail. I got about a million more, but I can't think of any more right now. Hit comments and add your own.

4. Take the quiz: How good at grammar are you? I write for a living, though you wouldn't know it from the ebonics mixed with bullshit I spew here!

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

5. How often do you look up a word in a dictionary, either online or print? Every while in a once, not a lot. Most programs I use have a spell checker on it, and i'm a decent speller.

6. How many books or guides on grammar do you currently own? Maybe 2.

Turn your head and cough.

when was the last time you...

1. went to the doctor? why did you have to go? My seasonal visit for a sinus infection. Between Atlanta's crappy air and the germs Abby brings home from day care I'm surprised I don't go more than 4 times a year!

2. had surgery? for what? can't say

3. visited someone in the hospital? who was it? Around September of 2005, Abby was 3 months old and had a UTI. She, of course, couldn't tell us that so she had to go through a shitload of tests at Children's Hospital of Atlanta. The doctor was so worried that she called an Ambulance to bring us there. Imagine driving 40 miles in the back of an Ambulance with your 3-month old child that is sick for an unknown reason. If I can think of the worst moment in my life... that was it.

4. took a prescription medication? for what? the aforementioned sinus infection.

5. injured any part of your body? what were you doing? I fractured my coccyx. I fell down the stairs at my house. The stairs that I walk up and down 50 times a day. There's no ass cast, so I just had to endure the pain.

6. ate something that gave you food poisoning? what was it? Not that I know of...

7. had a cold/allergies? I never had allergies until I came to Atlanta.

8. did NOT heed a doctor's advice? what did you ignore/do differently? "Go on a diet and exercise."

Lazy Saturday

Happy Weekend, my nubian brothers and sisters,
I've been working non-stop for the last month. and before that it was 6-day weeks. This weekend I'm getting Sunday and Monday off. What a concept. It caps off what has been a shitty week. Right now, I'm physically at work, and that's about it. The Little League college world series is on, and I'm more interested in that than work. This, despite the fact that I like neither baseball nor little league sports. So without further ado, here are those things y'all keep asking for.

1. What is the most unlucky thing that has happened to you all week? I asked a bank for money.

2. Do bad things happen more often to good people or bad people? Bad things happen to bad people. While what makes them bad is always subject to argument, everything happens for a reason. That's not to say bad things don't always happen to good people, just not as often, and we pay more attention to it. And often times we think the people are good and righteous, then it comes out that they did bad stuff to deserve their fate. That's right, I'm looking at you Mr. Vick.

3. How much do you believe that you can improve your outlook in life (from a “fate” perspective) by doing good deeds and correcting past wrongs? Your outlook on life has very little to do with your past deeds. This is a stupid question. I believe you can have the appearance of righting past wrongs, but they're there no matter what. What if OJ cured cancer? What if Hitler brokered peace in the middle east?

4. Take the quiz: What will happen to you in the future? This quiz is as stupid as the last question, I won't even acknowledge it.

5. Do you believe in fate, coincidence, or both? Both. They happen independently of each other. You can change your fate, but coincidences happen without anyone doing anything to cause them. If me and some crackhead whore both bought a pack of Big Red gum at the same Citgo station in lovely Southwest Atlanta at the same time, its a coincidence. If I were to beat her up and steal that aforementioned Big Red pack, it would be her fate not to have that gum. Not that I advocate beating women, or selling crack, or prostitution, or even chewing gum. I'm just saying... you can change fate, not a coincidence.

6. Overall, when “bad things” happen, how often do you believe the victim generally “had it coming?” Most of the time.

Just remember... there are two kinds of people in the world... and you're one of them.

1. Quiet evening at home or Out on the town?: Home, its closer to the bed and TV.
2. Watch a movie or Reading a good book?: Is Hemingway dead?
3. Order a meal or Cooking one yourself?: Order it... I can't make special sauce or french fries... And I don't have a Henny Penny to make KFC Original Recipe Chicken.
4. Going for a walk or Taking a ride in the car?: The car. Walking is soooo last year.

1. You are driving down a lonely road at night when in front of you, you see __________?: Don Rickles

2. You stop the car and get out to __________?: Insult him.

3. In the background you hear __________?: The Godfather theme

4. You return to your car and __________?: Eat the Cannolis.

Prince hates my kid.

In the previous post, I put up, via youtube, a cute little video of me and Abby singing about 15 seconds of Little Red Corvette. Then I get an email from them saying they're taking it down because its a violation of copyright laws. Apparently a two year old singing with a fatass is a threat to Prince's artistic livelihood.

Oh, and for the record, his last album SUCKED.

Abby & Daddy Sing "Little Red Corvette"

Potpourri

I have a few minutes with nothing to do, so I figured I'd put something on here. I should do this more often, but I don't. Two jobs and a family leaves little time for this type of hullabaloo. Also, I'm eventually going to change up the picture thingie to the right. Flickr sucks. They only let you have a certain amount of pictures, then they hold them hostage until you pay up. I'm trying out google's picture service, Picasa.

I like this quote, from The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy: "Of the Star Franchises; Trek, Wars, Gate, Search ... Stargate is my favorite!"

1. Who is the last person you talked to?: John Bachman, channel 2 anchor guy.
2. What is your weather like right now?: Hot and steamy, with rain approaching.
3. Where will you be this weekend?: I'm working pretty much the entire weekend. I had an hour to have a picnic with the family.
4. What's for dinner?: I scarfed down Wendy's between scripts. I haven't had the nerve to get the Baconator... which is the coolest name for a food since cumquats.

Name your favorite rock and roll . . .
1. Band The Beatles
2. Singer Prince
3. Guitarist Prince, Clapton, BB King. There are tons of amazing guitarists out there, but none of them can touch these 3.
4. Bassist As much as it pains me to say this, the best bassist around is Larry Graham. As a guy, his religious views are ridiculous and he corrupted the best living performer, but the man can play the bass.
5. Drummer Sheila E. Put her up against anyone. She's got the latin percussion down, and can play over a drum machine and look good doing it.
6. Album sheeit, there are 2 many 2 name.

Our Hot Dogs Are Rich In Bunly Goodness

I am seriously considering a trip to Florida just to visit a Kwik-E-Mart!

I cannot wait for the Simpsons movie to come out. The summer is about half over and I haven't been moved to go see anything. The big movies, Spiderman, Transformers, etc don't excite me. I may be wrong, I'm probably missing out on some good flicks. What flicks have you seen? Which are you looking forward to? Hit comments and release your inner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

Purple

Back by popular demand, The Memes. I quit doing them because I don't have as much time to dick with the blog... but the people have spoken, and I aim to please.
Purple
1. What did you think of the Tinky Winky controversy? A homophobic leader of rubes tried to make a things worse for a group of people who already have the cards stacked against them. Said leader is now burning in hell.
2. What was the last thing you heard through the grape vine? Personnel changes at work, and which disgruntled employees are going on interviews where. Personally, I am a gruntled employee.
3. Who do you want to see laughing in the purple rain? Jose from Macaroni Grill.
4. What is Grimace? Purple turd that walks and talks.... and enjoys the occasional shake.
5. If you had a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater,who would you feed to it? Pizza with bleu cheese.
What about you? Hit comments and release your inner Fry Guy.

One week post-Sopranos

I waited a week to give my views on the Sopranos ending. Let me first say that my interpretation is no better than anyone else's. Even that guy at work who thinks he know FOR SURE what happened. He don't, you don't and neither do I. That's the genius of this ending. At first I thought it was horrible. We've been taught through years of watching movies and TV to expect a nice tidy ending. Bruce Willis was really dead all along, BJ writes goodbye in rocks, and Kevin Spacey wasn't a retard after all.
I say, in the ending in my brain, Tony was whacked. Why? because in the 2nd to last episode Tony talks to Bobby Baccala in a flashback and they're talking about what its like when you're killed. Bobby says something like, "it just happens." So when the end of the show just ended, I knew that's what he was doing. Plus the guy going into the bathroom was a nod to the Godfather.
David Chase has done one of the best endings in TV history. As an artist, what do you want in a series finale? Something out of the norm that gets people talking, transcends the show itself, and sticks in people's minds. That's exactly what happened. Like it or hate it, it's a week later and people are still talking about it.
There's also speculation that the Sopranos will return. It might happen in a few years. Probably when Gandolfini gets tired of being offered roles that are described as "Tony Soprano-types."
What do you think? It 'Comments' and release your inner Uncle June.

2nd B-Day Pic

MMMM Caaaake.

Swear Jar

My Thought For The Day...

You have a right to pursue happiness... Not to get it.

FREE PARIS

It must be nice to have your sentence cut down because of "Medical
Reasons." I guess being retarded *is* a medical condition. Why can't I
be sentenced to 40 days at Paris Hilton's house? I'll clean up after
myself, I promise. They should have sentenced her to stay in the Denver
hospital with that TB dude.

One more episode.

The last Sopranos will be shown in just 5 more days. I'm looking forward to the last episode, but on the other hand I'm not. Here's a spoiler, Phil gets hit at a gas station. I'll miss the family, but with the 18 months in between the seasons, we're used to it. Maybe they'll make a movie. David Chase better make it the best episode ever.
On Sunday's episode, I was pissed he threw out the gabbagool and vinegar peppers sandwich.
What do you think will happen? Hit comments and release your inner Bobby Baccala.

J'ai une ame solitaire

I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I used to be frightened by the devil
and drawn to those who weren't afraid
Remember when you told me
that love was touching souls?
Well, surely you touched mine
Part of you pours out of me from time to time in these lines
You're in my blood like holy wine... so bitter and so sweet
I could drink a case of you darling
and still be on my feet... still be on my feet

WHOA!

Wow, more than a month without posting a single thing. It's not like nothing's happened! I'm still working my ass off, but I've also taken 3 vacations this year. We visited family in Florida, Texas and Louisiana. And of course took tons of pictures of Abby. She's getting big, and talks up a storm! Here she is on Easter dyeing eggs:



Too cute for words, huh? She and Tina are away this weekend, and I already miss them.

Now I shall bring the pain:

Don Imus. The only thing I ever hear about him is when Howard Stern makes fun of him. And over the years that's been a lot. Anyway, about his comment. He handled it all wrong. He should've said, "I said something stupid, and I'm sorry I said it." Then he should have gone on with his life, and take his lumps. Don't go on Al Sharpton, don't act like a cowboy... because it is obvious you ain't (Despite your stupid hat)! That made the situation even worse. It was the equivalent of saying, "some of my best friends are black!" He even slipped in the "you people..." during his apology. He apologized to the women he offended, and now he's going off into the sunset like the cowboy he wishes he could be. The bottom line, to me, is he should not have been taken off the air for saying something stupid... he should have been taken off the air for being a horrible DJ. A 77-year-old man trying to stay hip by using slang comes off as pathetic. Now he's a pathetic old white guy who has raised the ire of both women and blacks. Good riddance, enjoy the rest of your days with your creepy wife changing your diaper.

And here I thought he was the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Fuck Imus, get Sirius.

As I sit here listening to people across the room praising Bill O'Reilly the following thoughts come to mind... I hate that people think that if you question the government you're not American. Why don't people understand that questioning the government is the very definition of being American. Government for the people... by the people. I also don't understand people who think Fox News Channel is fair and balanced. The world ain't black and white, and those that think it is, they're blind to half of the world. How hard is it to pander to the right, then belittle anyone with a different opinion? One day people will wake up and see O'Reilly and his ilk for what they are? Look at why he does what he does. He can't really believe all the pablum he pukes over the airwaves. Its a schtick to make money. How long would he survive if he had someone on with a differing opinion and say, "You make a good point, I can accept that." Like most open-minded human beings could possibly say. How do I know it's an act? Because on the other Fox network they aren't right-wing nutjobs, they put on shitty reality shows, another crap that are the bane of a conservative's existence. But no Republican would dare say anything that would make Daddy Rupert mad! The bottom line as I see it... think for yourself, get the facts, make up your own mind.

Figure Skating?

Will Ferrell is gonna do a movie about figure skating with Napoleon Dynamite. It looks to be the typical Ferrell fare, but still funny as hell. I'm sure Chazz Michael Michaels will be honored alongside such larger than life luminaries as Ron Burgundy and Ricky Bobby. It made my day to hear that Willie would be playing a character named Chazz. Too bad he spelled it wrong!

Holy Shit

Ketchup

Hi Teens,
It's been a while since I posted something meaningful (or never, according to some of you!). I've been sentenced to the vampire hours at work, so during the daylight hours I'm in zombie mode. It's taking a toll on me physically and mentally, but it could be worse. I could be working the vampire shift as a spunkmopper at the adult movie theatre. Notice the 're' at the end? I'd only mop spunk at a classy joint.

Anyways, Bring the pain:
• Yesterday I completed 34 revolutions around the sun. They always ask, "Do you feel older?" and for the first time ever, I said yes. I have gray hairs, everything hurts, I worry about bills and retirement, I worry about my kid's future, and a bunch of other stuff I don't even want to get into. It seems like just yesterday I took off of work for a week to hang out at Prince's house for a week. Now I keep thinking of the lyrics to that old Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide."


• Britney's New Hairdo. Who gives a shit. I feel kinda sorry for her. We all have our meltdowns, but we have the privilege of having them in private. On the same token, she knew the price of celebrity. My main objection is to the intense coverage of it. Who gives 2 shits that she's bald. It'll grow back. "Has she hit rock bottom?" Maybe she has, now what does it say about we (i.e. the media) who choose to publicize it to death? I'm sure the 24 year old mother of two in Peoria who isn't a pop star who shaved her head in the middle of a tattoo parlor wouldn't get a second look. I'm guilty of it too... I watched the video of her shaving her head over and over... and I looked at the pictures of her giving the paparazzi a gynecological view of herself numerous times as well. But then again, I'm a scumbag, obviously with a lot of company.


• Anna Nicole Smith passes. I feel sorry for her as well. This woman had the best and worst luck all at once. But I totally understand how losing a child could take your soul. The woman was an idiot and surrounded herself with wolves in sheep's clothing. If the people around her had any respect for her, they wouldn't turn her death into a media circus. But of course that's like asking a leopard to take off his spots. My only hope is that her little baby lives the rest of her life in anonymity and normality. I hope she's not the Lindsey Hilton of the next generation. That would turn this tragedy into something much worse.


• Crazy Diaper Astronaut. I got no sympathy for this crazy bitch. You're smart enough and have the drive to make it into space... yet you still got psycho hose beast sitting on the mental launch pad ready to blast off as soon as Johnny Spaceman gives you a glance. I hope this woman joins the Pop Culture Hall of Shame alongside Lorena Bobbitt, Amy Fisher, and OJ Simpson. People like that have no concern for the outcome of their actions. The families of all those involved are forever tarnished, countless hours of needless bullshit must be undertaken by police and NASA, etc.


• Sirius and XM Merge. Wow, I never thought it would actually happen. Hopefully it will mean more people are drawn to the medium. I've been a Sirius fan since Howard started there, and I'll never go back to regular radio. After listening to all that great music, interesting people, and infinite choices of music, I don't think I could go back to the crap that passes for local radio. Why would you listen to "Boomer and the Diz " on the local morning zoo when there are 100+ other choices waiting for you. Its the best $13 you can spend if you have a craptacular commute like I do.
  

What do you think? Hit 'comments' and release your inner Howard K. Stern. Anwayz, that's it for now. The Welchs are on vacation this week.

All Along The Best Of U

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Bare-foot servants too
Outside in the cold distance
A wild cat did growl
Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
I will choose
I swear I’ll never give in
Yes, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool

Super Bowl XLI Final Score: 31-21

I have a very very faint interest in football. In fact I just found out tonight that my hometown team, the Saints are like one win away from going to the Super Bowl. And now Prince is going to be the halftime show? I'm actually looking forward to the big game! Let's get ready to rumble! Oh wait that's boxing.

Another football note: The Florida Gators won because of one thing... their good luck charm:

What are your thoughts, sports fans? Hit comments and release your inner Marv Albert.

Interview With A Vampire

Its day 4 of my new gig on the overnights. I think I may have tried all the tricks to get used to this unnatural schedule. None of it works. I guess I just have to deal with it. Coffee makes me sick, it's too cold in here to keep drinking Cokes, sleeping during the day doesn't work well for me... so I'm just stuck. It ain't so bad, I got internet, tv, and a heater at my feet, plus I get paid well for being here.

It just occurred to me that this is my first post of 2007. I think back to my old BBS back in 1994, and realized here I am doing the same shit on the computer. Just on a much faster one, with more people seeing it and better graphics.

2006 was a great year for me, my little girl got older and discovered many new things... 3 media outlets were vying for my talent services and paid well to get them... all that with no major bummers for the year. Anywayz, here's to a wonderful 2007.

Anyone have any hopes for 2007 or resolutions? Hit comments and release your inner Dick Clark.

Season's Eatings!

Since the holidays are upon us, I thought I'd show everyone the origin of my favorite holiday treat.


What's YOUR favorite Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice treat? Hit comments and release your inner Pete Schwety.

Tis the season...

We're a good ten days off from Christmas, but it seems to me everyone is
knee-deep in it.
I'm looking forward to a quiet Yuletide at home. I'm spending a few
days with the Florida family for my brother's wedding, then after that,
its quiet time.
In years past I've felt compelled to go to my family's homes for
holidays, but with my own family and home, I'm ready for them to start
coming to me.
This year, it feels good to be able to have money to buy everyone gifts,
rather than being broke as a joke. Though I'm still a joke.
The Dad from Raymond, Peter Boyle, died. I liked him as an actor. He
brought to TV those immortal words, "Holy Crap."
What do you think? Hit 'Comments' and release your inner Frank Baronne.

Film @ 11

November is sweeps month in TV land. That's why you don't see any reruns, and newscasts are chock full of sexy stories to make you tune in... So they can charge more for commercials that will usually prompt you to change the channel. It's a vicious cycle, but somebody's making money from it, so they stick to it. Anyway, I found this list of sweeps stories from a stations in California.

"Would you let a registered sex offender into your house? You might without even knowing it!" (Channel 3, KCRA) Are they going to show us the secret handshake to identify them?

"I'm Pallas Hup. This summer I went to prison. No, I wasn't convicted. I was on assignment. Behind the Barbed Wire!" (Channel 13, KOVR) I bet he's going to say that jail is bad. Maybe they'll show him getting raped in the shower. Pixelated of course.

"Cruise Crime! Your safety on the high seas may be highly compromised!"
(Channel 3)
PIRATES! ARRR!!

"What online predators can do to your kids. Tonight at 11!" (Channel 3) I think people are well aware of what predators can do to kids, but thanks for giving rookie pedophiles some ideas!

"Your doctor could be battling a drug or alcohol problem. ... But don't expect anyone to warn you." (Channel 13) Why would I? Is the report going to give me a list of doctors on the pipe?

"Any station can bring you a story about crime. But only KCRA's Crime Tracker can keep you from being a victim." (Channel 3) Are they going to stand outside my car and make sure no one steals the radio? Maybe they should be with the reporter in jail to make sure he doesn't get shanked in the yard.

"The crime scene! The clues! The invasion! Dave Bender tracks killer storms!" (Channel 13) I've suspected those storms all along!

"In five days, we're breaking into one of these homes -- live! Will it be yours?" (Channel 13) Not if you don't want a lawsuit.

"Born again virginity: Why are these 20-somethings giving up sex?"
(Channel 3)
They're ugly.

"A weather pattern that makes you feel sick!" (Channel 13) Ask anyone with sinus problems and allergies... All of them make you sick.

"Never pay taxes again! All you have to do is become your own religion!"
(Channel 13)
OK this one I want to see.

"Your most private information posted on the Internet, all because you ordered a pizza?" (Channel 13) In their defense, it was a very good pizza.

"Uses and potential abuses of nanotechnology." (News10- KXTV's Cristina
Mendonsa)
We are Borg. Resistance is futile.

Men's body image, featuring a bunch of six-pack abs. (Channel 3's Adrienne Bankert) Yeah, thanks for the help.

"Salvation Navy": A reporter poses as a fake charity worker outside Ikea. (Channel 13's Tony Lopez) Been done 50 times in every market. How is giving to a fake charity any different than giving money to the bum on side of the road who needs a dollar to "get back on his feet."

The bottom line, local news stations are up against a wall. Get ratings to sell more ads so the news budget can grow so you can do better reports that will get better ratings to sell even more ads so the news budget can grow even larger and so on... All this while the budget is being cut back and the staff is being cut back and there's another
station that's trying to do the same thing and take your viewers. The
end result is that the viewer gets screwed because the real journalism is left to newspapers and cable outlets which has more time, and money, to delve deeper into topics. How deep can you get when you're looking for mold at the local Moe's Burritos?

Thanksgiving

What up yo.
It's been a long time since I've posted, I know. I have been busy.
So much has happened in the world just begging for me to make a smartass
remark about. But first lemme say Happy Thanksgiving. I have plenty
for which to be thankful. Much more than I deserve. I have my family,
which makes life worth living. I have a great job that I love. How
many people walk into work smiling and walk out of work smiling? Very
few. So I hope everyone eats lots of turkey and enjoys the things that
make them happy.

Now on to the torture...
Michael Richards. *sigh* What the hell were you thinking? Whether or
not you're a racist, Kramer, I don't know, and I don't care. Even if
you are a card-carrying member of the klan... You should know better
than to yell that shit in public. You've been in the business of show
for nearly 20 years, you know you can't do that shit! But it just goes
to show that someone who is seemingly benign in the public eye can be
thrust into infamy by one bad move. Somewhere I picture Kramer, Mel
Gibson, and Mark Foley sitting in a bar bemoaning the media and our
culture of trying people in the media and of course cell phones that
receive text messages and take video.

More later, work calls.

Abby, Warhol Style

This is what happens when I'm on vacation and bored... or rather putting off stuff I have to do! I was fiddling with photoshop and came up with this.

Friday Musings

Its Friday... 2:27pm... 3 minutes before I'm off on vacation... At least
from this job.
I accidentally put on my underwear on backwards, so the dick flap is in
the back.
So I figured I should take advantage of it, so I shat with my underwear
up.
In keeping with the theme, I felt I should poo in the urinal.
I didn't mind it that much, but the 4 people waiting in line to use it
were not happy.
The moral of the story is...life is all about new experiences.
Or if you're gonna shit in the urinal, bring toilet paper before you
sit.

I would kill to go to this concert!!!

If something like this were ever possible it would rock beyond belief. Anyway, I thought it was funny. Enjoy the clip.

War! What is it good for?

1. What's your opinion of nuclear war? um I have a bad opinion of it. Nobody likes it.

2. Do you believe a country has the right to possess nuclear weapons? Why/why not? No, not at all. If they have nuclear weapons that means that they consider annihilating the entire planet an option. Don't fool yourself, there will be no isolated nuclear bombings. Once one missile is launched... they all will be launched. And I don't trust countries like North Korea and Iran with that kind of power. Their past behavior proves they don't value human life.
3. What do you think of this whole North Korea testing a nuke thing? Does it make you nervous? Do you care? Why/why not? It doesn't make me nervous right now. I think the nuclear test they say they conducted was a fake. There's no evidence it was a nuclear test... just a big ass bomb that registered on seismographs. I think it was Pyongyang's way of getting Washington's attention. Now watch that patented "cowboy diplomacy" that sent us to a tiny oil producing country in the middle east run and hide behind the so-called "international community." There are two options now for the world... that is the U.S.-controlled U.N.: either change N.Korea's behavior or change the regime. We see how good our regime-changing skills are working in Iraq. Let's see how well it works in a country that's swinging a nuke in our face. The US needs a tough negotiator to go in there and tell Kim Jung Il what to do and make him our bitch. He needs to be wearing Levi's jeans, drinking Coca-Cola, eating Apple Pie and have his lips firmly planted on the US asscheek. Anything else and we're stuck at the point we are now... with some lunatic armed with a nuke and no idea how to use it.

Bonus Question for Comments: Do you think there will be a WWIII or something similiar to it? What do you think will be the outcome? No WW3. The world is past the point of wars like we had in WWII or in the Korean War. Vietnam is the proof of that. Our enemies now are strong because they don't have the thing that keeps most sane people fighting... a fear of death. Plus our enemy has no homefront... no battle lines to be drawn. The new enemies hide in plain sight and kill themselves as they kill others. The wars of yesteryear with guys in foxholes shooting at Charlie are gone. We need to win the modern day wars with idealistic things like: If you don't stop shooting, your family will starve and die while your selfish ass goes to heaven and collect your 74 virgins.

North Korea is another story entirely. I don't think NK will do anything to start a war, since all of its neighbors would side with the US. China feeds and fuels that country, and without trade with other countries the "Dear Leader" will bring his country to its knees. Then all of his citizens will flee the shitty conditions there and fill up the slums of South Korea and China, then Japan, and eventually the U.S. It's a lose-lose situation for Kim, he has one bargaining chip, and that's his reported nuke. What I see happening is that the world will give this little guy a ton of incentives to stop his program, he'll collect them and laugh all the way to the bank, while the rest of the world pats itself on the back for saving us from destruction. Is that the best solution? Of course not, but its what's going to happen. Then in a few years, Kim will die and the next guy will have to test the limits of global diplomacy and we give him more stuff. Checkmate.

Gargle

Hey Teens,
Bunch of shit in the news has me ticked off.
First of all, Florida Congressman Mark Foley. How stupid do you have to be to talk dirty over the internet with a congressional page WHO KNOWS WHO YOU ARE? He should be put in jail for being a dumbass. Now he's entering rehab so he can have an excuse. Why can't he man up and say he likes teenage boys? That rest-stop loving governor of New Jersey did it.
This may be off the radar already, but I like Bill Clinton's heated exchange with Chris Wallace on Fox News. That network is the most biased one-sided piece of Conservative propaganda since Nazi Germany. And for them to stand back after the incident arrogantly saying, "Who? Us?" is insulting to the collective intelligence of this country. Of course that intelligence is called into question when you look at the ratings for Fox News.

Anyway enough of the nastiness, now to the cuteness:

Vacation, all I ever wanted

Hey Teens,
I just got back from vacation. We visited the two families in Florida.
It was nice, 3 days in Jax and 3 days in Orlando is the perfect amount
of time. It was the first paid vacation I had taken since Christmas of
2004 (except for the 2 months I was on severance pay!). Anyway, the 3
grandmas, 4 grandpas, 3 uncles, one aunt and a cousin all doted on Abby.
But its good to be home and back with all yall no-comment-leaving
bitches. So go ahead, hit comments and release your inner Clark
Griswold.

In memory of Whitney & Bobby's Marriage

I'm the modern day John Bender

Grrr.

I hate not being in control. That's why I was a mess recently when I had to deal with getting the car fixed after my little accident. I couldn't just drop it off, get a rental car, then bring it back when the car was ready. Many forces working against me prevented that. Forces beyond my control. The same thing happened yesterday. Abby is allergic to peanuts... so at daycare they have signs posted up all over the room saying just that. So guess what fucking happens yesterday? She ate a peanut butter sandwich. They said she took it from some other kid. I call bullshit. I think they just gave all the kids the same thing without paying attention to the 50 signs around the room saying not to. Why they even have peanut butter in a facility with at least 2 kids with severe allergies is beyond me. So after she threw up and got severe hives, she was eventually OK. The thing that bugs me is that even if it WAS an accident shouldn't they have been watching closer to see what my kid was doing on a day when ENTIRE class had something that could potentially kill her? The whole thing angers me to no end... not to mention my distrust of these people. We only have to deal with them another week. On top of that, It drives me crazy that I'm not in control of the situation beyond just taking her out of there. I could go to the school and start hitting people with a shovel and disembowling them, but that won't solve anything. It all drives me crazy. I wake up every day now wondering whose going to kick me in the nuts today. I have to say those idiotic bitches at daycare got in a good one yesterday. How about today? anyone anyone? no? no? ok.

---

Star Wars or Star Trek? Definately Star Wars, but I do love Star Trek. I consider them apples and oranges. Never shall the two intermingle. It would be just wrong.
Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? Hmmm. neither. Both movie series relied on special effects to make up for a long drawn-out boring story. I know tons of people like them, but I just didn't see what the big deal was... beyond being just special effects movies.
Internet Explorer or Firefox? Firefox without a doubt. I have to use IE at work, and it drives me crazy. Plus the fact that it's forced on me if I want to use Windows really ticks me off. FF is safer and faster, plus I like the ease of using it. Like the tabs, the themes, the pop-up blockers, etc. You can do most of that stuff on IE, but you have to download and install 50 additional programs. Just put it all in there in the first place.. . like firefox. Plus ff rarely crashes, unlike IE.
iPod shuffle or iPod Nano? I've never used either of these. I would have to say, just by what I know about them that the Nano is better because the shuffle is pretty much just shuffling your songs and doesn't give you any choice in the matter.
Camera phone or mp3 phone? Neither. They're both gimmicks. Buy an MP3 player or a Digital Camera. phones on cameras have notoriously shitty picture quality. And if you're going to listen to mp3s on your phone you're running down your battery for no good reason. I would rather have a good quality phone that just sends and receives calls than dick with that other shit. I don't mind phones with PDAs included, since the two actually go together.
Dilbert or Jon from "Garfield"? Again, neither. Dilbert isn't really funny and Garfield is funny if you're 8.
Mac or PC? PC without a doubt. Macs have their place, just not in front of me. They're too expensive to begin with and expensive to upgrade, etc. If I can't crack open the case and start moving shit around, I don't want to mess with it. Much like laptops. I don't have one because I can't open it up and rebuild it myself.

More Media Mania!

Hi Teens!
Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Every second I'm not informing the world about the salsa-flavored hurricane thats going to kill us all... or the guy from sprockets that killed Jonbenet... I'm at home spending time with the family... and that ain't much between the two gigs.

Anyways...



Guess what crazy freak-looking mainstream media... YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED!
Stevie Wonder could see that this was a pedophile who just wanted to inject himself into the story. Hope he enjoyed the free first class ride back from the world's premier pervert destination, Thailand, after all, our tax dollars paid for it. But the bigger picture is... why did the media rush to judgement on this guy? From Jump Street, every news channel slapped the big graphic on the screen that said, "SOLVED?" What happened to due process? Had he confessed to killing a poor black girl, would we have gone through all this?
Meanwhile, CNN's Kyra Phillips is going to have one shitty Thanksgiving:


In addition, I am disgusted by the "Katrina... One year later" coverage. I see dozens of stories on how people are still screwed, but nothing on whats being done for them. I saw this poor bastard on CNN yesterday who made headlines because he wife died in front of him... and he was a mental wreck. All the while Kyra "Control Freak" Phillips pushed for more soundbites. No questions about whether he's getting mental help or counseling... just "tell us how it felt when Katrina ate your wife."

A big LIGHTEN UP to the people in Lexington, Kentucky. Yes it is horrible that a plane crashed killing 49 people... but to complain because Conan O'Brien's Emmy Awards opening had a plane crash in it on the day of the crash... that's ridiculous. Do you really think NBC did that on purpose? Or that the thought crossed their minds to take it out? Think about it: If you're the producer of a major network awards show... on the day of the show... are you sitting around watching the news wondering who you're going to offend? It was a sad coincidence... take it as that. He also spoofed that Internet Predator Dateline show... but you don't hear the advocates hollering about that. Why? Because they know its a joke. Now watch it and enjoy it, dammit.



Some good things happened today... The bank took back a $35 NSF fee for me going $1.66 over... and John Pruitt complemented my writing... and I may have cookies waiting for me at home. These days I'm looking for the little drops in the bucket.

What do you think? Hit comments and release your inner John Mark Karr.

Isn't She Lovely?

This was a video I made when Abby was like 6 months old. She has changed so much since then.

Musical Youth

1. Do you use email much?
Aw hell yeah. It's part of my job, and I use it to keep in touch with family and friends. I wouldn't talk to anyone if I didn't have email.
2. When did you start using email? 1992... It was Prodigy.

3. How many email addresses do you have? I can think of 7 off the top of my head.

4. If you could send an email to your favorite actor or musician, who would it be and what would you say to them?
TO: mel@gibson.com
FROM: chas@chaswelch.com
RE: F'ing Jews
Dude, chill out. You can be an anti-semitic wino, just keep quiet about it. You're starting to look like a nut. Well, an even bigger nut than one that made $600-million on a Jesus flick in a dead language. By the way, how is "Lethal Weapon VI: Operation Auchwitz" coming along?
Love
Chas

1. What's your favorite album cover from your collection? Sign 'O' The Times

It looks like an accident, but it's so visually interesting you can't look away. Also, The Stones have had some great album covers. Sticky Fingers with a real zipper... Satanic Majesties with a 3d picture... Tattoo You with a weird looking lady... and there was another one that looked like 1960s ads for wigs.

2. What album cover makes you wonder what the designer and/or band was thinking? Prince's Lovesexy. He's naked...and the record company made him airbrush his leg in front of his pecker, so it looks awkward, and just downright disturbing.


3. Do you own the White Album by The Beatles or the Black Album by Metallica? I own the white album by the Beatles, no to the Metallica one. Prince also has a black album with just the catalog number on the cover. Spinal Tap has an all black album called "Smell The Glove." See the movie for an explanation.

My favorite female musician is _Sheryl Crow.
My favorite guitarist is _Eric Clapton/Eddie Van Halen (tie)_.
My musical guilty pleasure is _hehehe I download shitty pop tunes_.
My favorite Beatle is _John_.

Now, let's see how good your musical knowledge is. Fill in THESE blanks.

"Stand By Me" by _Ben E._ King.
"8__-5__9" by Tommy _867-5309 by Tommy Tutone_.
"The Girl's Got ________" by AC/DC.
"What's So Funny 'Bout (Peace, _Love_ and Understanding_)" by Elvis Costello.
"One ______ At A Time" by Johnny Cash.
"Save A _Horse_, Ride A _Cowboy_" by Big and Rich.

I missed two! I see myself as the master of all things musical and trivial. OH well. How many did you know? Hit Comments and release your inner Tommy Tutone.

In My Daughter's Eyes

Video of Abby Lane. Shot over the first 6 months of 2006

It's always something

You ever feel like no matter what you do... something always stands in your way. Life ain't never easy. Case in point, I'm trying to crawl my way out of debt and make a better life for my family, so I work two jobs. I'm trying to do the right thing and not just be a bum shuffling debt, so I'm putting my nose to the grindstone to get it done. I'm tired all day long and I miss my family. I haven't spent any time with them in a week. I'm getting one day off this entire month. But I press on... Nothing good comes without sacrifice and hard work.

So on the way to start my third 12-hour day in a row... I rear ended this girl. The damage wasn't bad, but for the next who-know-how-many-days I'll be dealing with the car. Insurance companies, repair estimates, rental cars, deductables... This will be my life for the foreseeable future. Now the money I'm busting my ass to earn will be poured into fixing the car.

Now I know what you're saying... It's all your fault, Lunchbox... Stop yer bitchin. Nobody forced you to work 2 jobs, nobody forced your foot to mash down on the gas pedal, or get into debt. I admit that's true. But can't a brutha catch a break? I sit here at work informing the world of the latest hijinx by an anti-semitic mad max and an incontinent communist leader, listening to everyone else talk about taking weekend vacations. I'm in need of a vacation and my ride just got crashed up. I feel like singing a refrain from a little ditty by my man MC Rappin' T. "I caught some hell... Livin on this day."

My Girl

My biggest challenge today was getting Abby's pigtails to be even. I'd make a horrible hair dresser!

May The Force Be With Yall!

This is the funniest damn thing I've seen in a while!

One can wish...

Rock's top 10 wussiest acts

Blender magazine ranked the top 10 wussiest rock acts.  I have to agree with them.  I’m surprised Michael Bolton isn’t on the list, and where are all those American Idol fags?  Maybe collectively they should rank as number one. They royally suck ass.  And Michael Jackson… has his wussiness transcended this feeble attempt at listing the wussiest music acts? 

 

10. Hilary Duff - I didn’t even know Hilary Duff did music.

9. Chris Martin – He’s so depressed, wah.  Lighten up, bitch.

8. Babyface – the name alone is gay enough.

7. Rascal Flatts – Maybe if they sang about their dog dying and their truck breaking down.

6. Kenny G – No explanation needed.

5. Peter Cetera –  eew.

4. Boyz II Men – the wussiest guys that could probably kick your ass. 

3. Dan Folgelberg – brought wussiness to a new level in the 80s.

2. Nick Lachey – Gayer than gay.  Needs an ass kicking. However, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one of his songs.

1. James Taylor – invented wuss rock.

 

What about you?  Who do you think holds the microphone with a limp wrist?  Hit comments and release your inner Simon Cowell.

The sexy side of Star Wars

Who knew such a thing existed? Well it don't. Unless you count the semi-incestuous kiss between Luke and Princess Leia erotic. I was 4 when Star Wars came out, I thought it was gross. Something I think is not gross is Natalie Portman naked. Yes, our Princess Amidala is going to bare it all in a movie soon. Wait... hear that? Thats the sound of nerds everywhere sporting stiffies. OK, me too. The original intergalactic temptress was, of course, Princess Leia in her metal bikini in Return of the Jedi. That set many a young man's heart aflutter. OK, me too. Now after 23 years, those metal cups-o-love are still tend to uplift the spirits of nerds everywhere. Ok, me too.

What about you? Who do you think is the hottest sci-fi character? Click comments and release your inner Chewbacca.

Tea Vee

1. What are your favorite TV shows? If you can, also tell us the one show you absolutely HATE to miss. I spend my life in front of either a computer monitor or TV, so thinking of these is hard because there are so many. Off the top of my head, favorites include: The Simpsons, King Of The Hill, Scrubs, The Office, My Name Is Earl, West Wing, and the list goes on, but the one show that I watch religiously and I have never missed is The Sopranos.

2. Who handles the remote control in your household? Me Me Me

3. How many remote controls are there in your house? Not counting your childrens' appliances. I can think of 10 off the top of my head.

4. Do you flip through the channels mindlessly, or do you stick with one or two channels? I usually find 2 shows and flip back and forth... but the journey to find those shows usually takes one or two trips up and down the dial.

5. Adam Sandler's latest movie is "Click," about a guy who discovers a remote control that works on life. If you could have such a device, how would you put it to use? I would just use the rewind and pause. I don't want to fast forward... I'm already too impatient and with my 4th grade span-of-attention, in no time flat I'd wind up as a 90-year-old man sitting on the beach with my hot younger girlfriend waiting for her to give me a sponge bath. And I would fast forward to next week's lottery drawing and get the numbers, then rewind and buy a ticket.

Sports suck.

There is nothing I care less about than World Cup Soccer, yet its everywhere.  What the hell?  Maybe it’s because I work with people from other countries.  I know I have an arrogant Ameri-centric view of the world, but I just don’t give a shit about this crap.   At least no one tries to start conversations with me assuming I give a shit.  I get that about football all the time. “Did you see the game yesterday?” asks my sports fan friends.  I reply, “I watched a video of this woman who shoots Jack Daniels out of her private parts yesterday… Is that what you’re talking about?”  That usually says more than, “No, and I really don’t care.”

Musical Firsts:

First CD/Album Purchased: It was an album... I predate CDs. Back in 1982... I think it was Queens Greatest Hits then Ozzy's Diary Of A Madman.
I got the Queen album because I had heard most of the songs on the radio a lot and I liked 'Under Pressure,' and my uncle played bass in a a band at the time, and they played it. Then came 'Diary Of A Madman,' and that was it for me. I was a 9 year old metalhead.

First Concert: My parents took me to a Willie Nelson concert when I was 7 but I don't remember much about it... The first real concert I went to was Men At Work. It was right when they were about to hit it big. They played on a riverboat. My cool uncle (the one who had a band) took me to go see them. He promised that we would meet the lead singer with the googly eyes, but he couldn't get backstage (even though were were on a boat and the band couldn't leave until we did).

First Over 21 Show: I was 21 in 1994, and by that time I had been to quite a few concerts.

First Musical Obsession: Ozzy at age 9, then Prince at age 11. I still like Ozzy, but Prince is still my favorte at age 33.

First Musical Crush: Olivia Newton-John. I was like 8 and we had 'Grease' on beta, and I watched it over and over. What kid wouldn't want the slutty Sandy? Tell me about it, stud.

First Musical/Musical Movie: I always like music-related movies because I was such a music fan at an early age. The previously-mentioned Grease was an early favorite. Then of course there was Purple Rain.

First Stereo: I had a hand-me down stereo from my parents when I was like 7 or 8, then when I was 10, I got a cool all-in-one record-player, cassette deck and radio. It was badass.

First Portable Device/Player: I got a cassette walkman when I was 11, then when I was 12 I had the first Sony portable CD player. It took 6 C batteries that lasted the duration of 2 CDs. Now you can get a $30 portable that runs on AA batteries for hours and hours.

First Musical Format Owned (i.e. LP, Cassette, 8 Track, CD) I first had a little phonograph that played 45s, then I got the hand-me-down stereo that played LPs, then the all-in-one monster. I never had an 8-track, but my parents had one in the car.

First 45/CD Single Purchased: My first 2 45's were when I was 4 years old. They were "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," by Elton John & KiKi Dee and "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell. I then got YMCA by the Village People, and it wasn't until 10 years later that I realized what the hell they were talking about. It turns out its not about the place where I took swimming and art lessons!





We're putting together a band, but the band members are going to be historical figures!
The lead singer must be a former U.S. President Bill Clinton. He's probably the only living ex-prez that could pull groupies. Even though I hear Gerald Ford is hung like a horse, he doesn't rock like Clinton.
The lead guitar player must be a famous author Jackie Collins, she'd probably have some wild stories to tell. And I don't know too many other authors.
The bass player must be a scientist Dr. Alfred Nobel.. cuz he's the bomb. Get it?
The drummer must be a famous criminal. Because, drummers are . . well, you know how they are. O.J. Simpson. He and Clinton would probably party like it's 1979.
If you want to add a rhythm guitar player or keyboard player too, choose a retired and/or dead baseball player. Babe Ruth, just because all I know about him is that he was an overweight drunk but still managed to be a star. Kinda like me. except i'm not a drunk... and I'm not a star... and I don't play sports... but I enjoy the candy bar named after him.

What would I call the band? The Infamous Fallopian Tubesteaks.

...til the end of time

Media Hijinx

"Hijinx" is a funny word, as is "Hooliganism."

Anyway, today's is apparently "World Refugee Day." I feel for the millions of people who have been driven from their homeland due to the horrible conditions. But what I find insulting is that the only reason I know today is "World Refugee Day" is because Angelina Jolie is doing an interview with Anderson Cooper on the subject. I applaud her efforts to bring awareness, but I deplore the idea that it takes the star of "Tomb Raider 2" to bring it to light. What did they do before she came along? It's the media's fascination with celebrities whose hearts may be in the right place, but they take themselves too seriously.
The other sad media note today is about Dan Rather. Danny was the face of CBS news for years. He served at the network for 44 years. The guy makes one mistake, or rather, takes the fall for one mistake, and he's tossed out on his ear like yesterday's trash. I think it signals the official end of the network evening news dominance. Who needs to wait until 6:30pm to get a wrap up of the nation's news. Just turn on one of the many cable networks (I have a few suggestions ; ) to get in-depth analysis 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Dan is now reportedly headed to HDNet, a high-def network headed up by billionaire Mark Cuban. This may sound funny, but I equate Dan's exit from network news to Howard Stern's exit from terrestrial radio. Both men were titans in their field, basically re-writing the books on how its done. They inspired a new generation to do what they do. Both got a raw deal, and headed into uncharted territory for a new phase in their careers. Satellite radio is in its infancy, much like High-Defintion television. I wish the best for Danny. Godspeed, Danny Boy, Godspeed.

So ya had a bad day...

I'm having one of those days where I keep singing that stupid song. One of those days where people shoot spears at you from every direction. One of those days where nobody gives a shit about you or what you need, just what you should've done. If I drank I would get drunk. The only good thing is that its friday, and my day is officially half way over.

Don't Tell Me What Happened To Vito!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while kids. I've been busy with the new gig
(YAY!) and life in general.

Abby turns one tomorrow. This last year has gone by so fast. It seems
like just yesterday I could hold her with one arm and hold her bottle
with the other. Now she can eat off my plate and has 5 toofs to do it
with! We're having a birthday party at the house this weekend for her.
Yall can come. :)

I hate that at least 2 people have told me what happened on The Sopranos
last night before I could watch it!

Emily, Jacob Still Most Popular Baby Names | ajc.com

According to the government, Abigail was the 4th most popular name in 2005... and the 5th most popular in Georgia. The web page says 500 other people copied off of us. Read the entire article: Emily, Jacob Still Most Popular Baby Names | ajc.com

My Pimp Name Sucks.

Your Pimp Name Is...

Pimptastico Bling

What's Your Pimp Name?

Innovations

"CNN recently ranked the top 25 innovations of the past quarter century. What would your top seven innovations be? Do you agree with their top seven, or would you have a different take? Remember, we're talking about innovations of the past twenty-five years ago."

1. Pay At The Pump Gas stations - Anything that prevents me from having to deal with Habib behind the counter and wait in line behind Willie The Wino is wonderful in my opinion.
   


2. Cottonelle Asswipes - Its like a cool drink of water for your sphincter. A dingleberry's worst nightmare. Keeping your backend clean is very important.
   


3. Personal Computers/The Internet - Computers revolutionized the way people get things done, and changed the way businesses ran. Then along came the internet, and revolutionized the way people communicated.
   


4. Cell Phones - Not for the way most people use them, walking down the street talking too loud, but for the technological aspect of it. The cell phone industry infrastructure is continually changing, and due to consumer demand, businesses are keeping up. Four years ago, having a camera phone was a little novelty, now you can take video, and send it to another person in a few key strokes. While that probably doesn't have a lot of practical use beyond playing around, the fact that you can do it at all, amazes me. Its an example of business following what consumers want, and competition bringing it to them at a price set by consumers. Not to mention the fact that if you're being chased by bad guys or break down in a spooky forest with Scooby and the gang, you can call for help, without walking a mile to Cooter's Garage to trade a joint for him fixing your tire.
   


5. ATMs & Debit Cards - Not having to stand in line at the bank or sitting in the drive-through lane is great. You can now pretty much do everything via the machine or even on the internet.
   


6. MTV & MP3 - They both took the music industry and tossed it on its ear. Before MTV, the only time you saw what singers looked like was on the album cover or a rare TV appearance or that poster in your bedroom. Its not just about what you sound like now.. .its what you look like. MTV gave artists another way to reach the audience: visually. That's also what MP3's did, except the way they reach listeners is via the internet. I think the full effect of digital music on the industry has yet to be determined. I think the dynamics are still in flux. MP3s essentially made record companies obsolete. A guy in his basement with a computer, some talent and a net connection could put out a song at virtually no cost, and get it to the fans faster and more efficient than a record company. Who needs to get a deal, record an album, press it, then distribute it? Just record it and promote it, and you're set. As for the copyright issue, that will always be there, I think eventually, the legal downloading will bring the labels enough money that they won't be as worried about file trading. Much like in the 80s when guys used to trade mix tapes.
   


7. Digital Cameras - An entire photoshop in your hand. No more buying film, no more getting it developed. You get a good camera and printer, and within seconds, your photo is in your hand. All for less than $300.
   

The Music Memoirs

Name at least 2 songs with days of the week in the title
Manic Monday (The Bangles) and Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting (Elton John)
Name at least 2 songs about the weekend
Workin' For The Weekend (Loverboy) and Saturday In The Park (Chicago)
Name at least 2 songs with months of the year in the title
Sometimes It Snows In April (Prince) and September Rain (Guns & Roses)

C'mon Gimme something difficult! When will I be able to use my mundane music knowledge for good instead of evil? When, Lord, When? When's gon' be my turn?

George W. Bush Does Lennon

Great Pretenders

Great Pretenders: "If you could freeze the time for less than an hour, since you’d be the only living thing that’s “alive” in that moment:
1. What would you do?
Find the nearest womens locker room. Then I'd steal a shitload of cash from a bank, then go back to the locker room for a while, then I'd put news anchor's hands in funny positions so when they come back on the air, they're smacking the weather guy's ass or something.
2. Why would you do that?
Because I'm demented.
3. Why you wouldn’t be able to do it if everything were normal and the time weren’t frozen?
Because hot lesbians usually don't invite me into their locker rooms, and bank robbery is illegal, and the anchors only slap weather guys asses off the air.

What about you? Hit comments and release your inner Bruce Almighty.